3yrs daughter having terrible tantrums and attitude!

[madame]

My daughter was 3 last September and she has really started to have lots of tantrums in the last two to three months. She really creates when she doesn't get her own way on anything. I give her so much praise when she is a good girl, reward charts, goals etc.

She has just developed a really annoyed attitude, become bossy and I hate to say it but very waring and not fun to be around. I am really beginning to get down about it as it's been happening for some time.

Help.....

Message withdrawn

Now I feel bad for not posting back again earlier, but I'm new to posting on MN so that's my excuse. I have to say cj that your whole bedtime thing sounds like a nightmare, and your poor little boy just waiting to be put to bed, bless him. I do feel that the second child always seems to get put in second place while all these histrionics are going on, poor little things, I suppose they'll get used to it.

Christiana - I have a 10mo DD as well, am dreading what she'll be like as she grows older, esp with her sister as such an excellent role model

If it's any consolation, you all sound like you're doing exactly the right thing, it's just so hard isn't it. You know what you're supposed to do, it's just so difficult to stick to it. I'm afraid I do use bribery too much. But yesterday I went to pick up DD1 from preschool and her key worker said she'd thrown a tantrum and they'd basically just left her to it, how embarrassing. Now I feel as though they think I'm a crappy mum who can't control her child and I also feel as though she's the only one behaving this badly. Sigh.

Latest thing is to snatch anything that her poor little sister is playing with (baby toys usually). My latest tactic (think I read it somewhere else on MN actually!) is to then give DD2 one of DD1's favourite toys instead. That gets the original toy given back pretty sharpish ...

I'm not much help as I'm about to post something similar about a 2 year old! However, I read a great book which may have some ideas - 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' Faber and Malish (forget the spelling of the second name). I have used some of the techniques with success and will be re-reading the book next week when I return from holiday before I pull my hair out! Good luck!

How funny Shylily - I found that book on amazon the other night and thought that it looked just the thing to get. Is it really helpful even for little ones? Must be since you have a 2-year old. Am going to go online and see if I can get it from my library I think! Desperate measures ...

Message withdrawn

My 3 nager (was 3 on boxing day)is exactly the same and has been since 18 months old.I am so ashamed to admit it but somedays I dont actually like her very much at the moment, I find it so exhausting.I love the child to death but she is impossible some days (and the next day lovely so you never know what you are going to get)For a while I stopped taking her anywhere as I was frightened of how she might behave but I knew this wasnt the answer and we are back on the social scene now (if nothing else it helps to get out I think)I find it very hard not to take it personally when she says she hates me etc but think its important not to react to that as she will realise it gets a reaction and do it more.
The only thing that slightly works with DD is explaining everything we will be doing that day before hand.(However am then stimied as she will throw a wobbler if there is a change to the discussed routine so its not a winner all the time)

DD2 (18 months) copies everything DD1 does, so God help me!

Hurray, the thread lives! Am relatively new on here so am very paranoid - threads I'm on just seem to fizzle away, and all the 'cool' people are off somewhere else at their own private party. Just like being a teenager all over again!

Thanks everyone for advice and sympathy.

Christiana - congrats on No.2. Oh love, a boy wouldn't love you more, just differently. They can be just as tricky! (And remember, a daughter is for life, blah blah blah ...)

I think what's reassuring about this thread is that all these little darlings are doing the same thing at the same age, regardless of what else is going on in their lives. It's so easy to beat yourself up about other circumstances - Christiana is pg, hairygodmother has just dropped another attention-grabber into the mix, I have separated from XDH - and yet the common denominator is their age.

I so foolishly thought having a little girl would be all about playing with dolls houses and reading The Secret Garden ...

I've got How To Talk etc but gave up on it because it seemed to be for slightly older kids, who you could have a bit more of a conversation with. Should I revisit?

(Christiana - Mad Men is on the list but haven't quite got there yet. Have you seen Studio 60?)

I spoke too soon. Threadkiller strikes again, mwah ha haaa ...

OK CJ, here I am again. Have been having a little trawl on amazon and have found a book called 'Getting your Little Darlings to behave' by Sue Cowley. Looks as though might help. She apparently originally wrote one for teachers called 'Getting the buggers to behave'. Ha! Sounds like my kind of woman. Actually, when you start looking at all the books out there it's really quite frightening and makes me feel like a really bad mummy for only having read 'Toddler Taming'. Which is quite good and v down-to-earth but doesn't q go far enough into detail. Interestingly seem to be several books specifically about tantrums, am just about to order one on my library's website (absolutely brilliant) so will see how that turns out. Anyway, probably everyone else is out somewhere lovely on a Sat night trying to forget about their 3 yr olds. Or downstairs sinking into a bottle of wine, my next move ...

thank god for this thread. thought dd was the only one!

i should add that she'll be 3 in less than a month.

it's baffling as her language skills are good and you would have thought she would have been able to communicate pretty much everything she wanted to. But no - if anything doesn't go her way she says 'bash!' or 'it's just a banger' whilst raising her fist and pummelling the nearest object/person.

it was slightly disturbing at first but i'm learning to wait it out now and give her some space to calm down. I've also cordoned off the living room with stairgates to make a kind of 'calming down' space. Which, naturally, she hates.

My ds is 3.4 and displays many of the same traits as your dd op. It's not just dd's! I'm nearly driven to tears with his defiance and lack of respect of his family or toys. I'm hoping 4 will be better. Keep everything crossed

My DS1 started headbanging on the floor at 20months at it has continued to be a rocky road ever since.... he is now 4.

I must say he has got better with age but the slightest thing can set him off - the other day he broke down because his younger brother was saying he could see the moon from his side of the car when in fact it wasn't there to be seen at all. Cue hideous tears shouting etc - he just can't seem to cope sometimes when things don't go his way. It is honestly like it physically hurts him.

I have read Living with your spirited child - lots of it rang very true. See if that will help you - but as with all these self help books it's having the time and paitences to make it work in RL!

Hi Hairy, sorry I haven't been back ... either been too traumatised or too tired! Let me know how that book works out - sounds good. And I know what you mean about all the books. I have a few but none of them seem to deal with this specific problem. Had another warzone/bedtime tonight, just exhausting and really upsetting. Tried the bribes but she's not interested!

Oh well ... people keep telling me she can't keep this up forever. She's stubborn enough to give it a go, though. Little darlings, indeed.

Good luck with the books.
I found that threats, time-out type things, bribes etc don't work for my DS - particularly for tantrums. I tried lots of the strategies in 'Toddler Taming' but they didn't work for us.
'How to Talk ...'gives other ideas.
He has just started throwing stinky tantrums in the shops. He did 3 days in a row. The book talks about 'natural consequences' rather than unrelated punishment. So, on the third day I decided to try it. 1 hour after we got home, after he'd calmed down and we'd already talked about the tantrums, I got the keys and said 'bye everyone, I'm off to the shops'. He said 'I coming'. I said 'Sorry darling, you can't come with me because the last 3 times you came with me you screamed and kicked and upset other people in the shops'. As I drove off, he ran, screaming, behind the car for 2 streets (with my mother in hot pursuit).
The next day I went to the shops again and this time I let him come with me. We've now had a week of going to the shops every day without 1 tantrum or any nagging for 'things'. It's not guaranteed to last but it worked for now.
I also employed another strategy in which they suggest that if they're nagging for things in the shops, you write down what they want. You don't have to say you're going to do anything in particular with it, just write it down. I've done that twice as we're heading for a screamer and he just nods, says 'Bye teddy' or 'bye icecream' and walks out of the shop. He's 2, he can't read, but it works! Don't ask!
Good luck with it all.

I am so glad I started this post as it's flagged up so many great ideas for me. The support is always so comforting....

Think I need to read some of this more in depth... dd is a nightmare atm... mainly inked to ds's arrival though