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Original poster

should i explain to this other mum about DS being autistic? and if so, how??? wwyd?

30 replies

belcantwait · 28/01/2009 11:59

posted this here as well as sn as want both opinion sreally.

ds2 has High Functioning Autism/Aspergers. he is nearly 6 (in 3 days as he so kindly keeps pointing out lol). he is in mainstream school, is very very sweet and lovely but often gets things a bit 'wrong' often due to his literal thinking. anyway, i am frequently having mums come up to me saying that ds had done such and such to their child and sometimes the other mum knows about ds's autism and they are annoyed but understanding. if they dont know i dont mention his autism as i dont want to be seen to be making excuses as i understand also that they are angry as i would be fi something happened to one of my dc.

HOWEVER, before xmas hols, in fact on the last day, a mum who i liked (who actually speaks to me- not one of the playground clique!), told me she was really upset as her dd had come home from school with a bruise on her face and was crying becasue ds had punched her in the face. i apologised etc and said how unlike him it was etc etc but it wasnt til i picked him up at the end of the day that i got out of him what had happened. i am ashamed to say this is really the fault of dh. a coupkle of weeks previously ds had been picked on by some boys in yr above and was coming home with scratcheds pn his face. school werent helping and basically accused ds of lying about it so dh stupidly said to him 'if anyone hits you, you hit them back'. meaning obv children who were bullying him. so ds tells me X hit him in the arm and so he punched her in the face (cos daddy told him to hit if someone hits him [stupid man emoticon]).

so as this was the end of the term i didnt see her again til jan and she is now blatantly ignoring me. ds hasnt been invited to her dd's party and yet i know they play together at school in breaktime. i just dont want her to think ds is naughty or horrible becasue he's not- he is completely lovely and a real softie actually. but at the same time i dont want her to think i am making an excuse and i have left it quite late and dont even know how to bring the subject up with her. i did think about writing her a letter but thought thats a bit stupid.

arggggghhh! wwyd?

OP posts:
cory · 28/01/2009 12:02

I think I would write to her. It needs sorting out for the sake of both of them.

ajandjjmum · 28/01/2009 12:03

Just ask her if you can have a quiet word, and say that you understand exactly how she must feel, but explain how it came about.

And have a word with your dh - typical man - doesn't think!!!

Maveta · 28/01/2009 12:03

Oh I know you must feel dead awkward but it's at least worth trying to bring it up. Just tell her you have felt terrible that you did not have a chance to speak to her again about it what with the hols etc. and it has been on your mind.

Then just tell her what you have told us. Exactly. If she still blanks you, well at least you tried

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 12:04

I'd go up to her and calmly tell her truth. Apologise on your ds' behalf and tell her that you have now explained it is unnacceptable to hit people in the face. I'd also explain about his Autism but be prepared to answer any questions and explain the condition. I didn't fully understand what it was untill I joined MN

tell her you didn't have chance to speak to her before now but wanted her to know how sorry you were that this happened and you hope you can still be friendly.

Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 12:06

thank you. had kind of built myself up yesterday to say something to her and then she wasnt there! i am not picking up today so will have to wait again. you know i am prob building this up to a much bigger thing than it needs to be arent i?

hope she's a mumsntter then i wont have to go through the agony lol

OP posts:
newgirl · 28/01/2009 12:08

no need to write to her - just be friendly one afternoon and say 'its been really worrying me about when my child hit yours' and explain what your dh said. You could say if you get the chance youve explained to him that he should tell the teacher rather than hurt another. Be careful how you say it in case it sounds like you think her child was somehow involved - best keep that out of it now!

it may have no bearing on the party - unless every other kid is going - my dd plays with lots of kids in the class but doesnt go to all the parties - budget/numbers etc all play a part

mistlethrush · 28/01/2009 12:09

I would be quite up front about it and go over to her and say - hello x, the issue about the incident last term got me upset as I was so sorry that my son did this - its quite unlike him as I know he normally plays really well with your daughter. I have got to the bottom of it, and now know why it happened - it was because ds has Aspergers/Autism and his father... (blablabla bullying blabla ).

I've now explained to ds that he cannot do this if someone has knocked him accidently, and that your dd would not ever want to hurt him intentionally. I am so sorry that this happened, but I am as certain as I can be that something like this will never happen again between them. I would hate this to spoil the friendship that they clearly have....

This gets it out in the open. It doesn't condone ds's behaviour, but explains to the mother why it happened, and that you have done your utmost to ensure that it will never happen again, but also that it was a misunderstanding on the part of your son (through no fault of his own) and that he would never want to hurt her dd....

If someone could explain behaviour like this to me and demonstrate a) why it happened and b) that they'd taken all the steps possible to ensure it didn't happen again, (as well as being quite appologetic - its not nice if your child comes home hurt because of what someone else's child has done) I would be much more likely to let bygones be bygones and give the whole thing a 2nd chance....

Best of luck - tricky situation.

mistlethrush · 28/01/2009 12:11

(sorry, took a long time to type, but similar response to other people!!)

PinkTulips · 28/01/2009 12:19

well fwiw i think she's over reacting even without taking the AS into account tbh.

blanking you for a tiff between 2 5 year olds that they have forgotton about themselves is a bit daft!

however i can understand why you want to patch things up as things are difficult enough between you and other moms at the school so if i were you i would take her to one side and say basically what you've posted here.... that you understand completely why she's upset, as would you be if the roles were reversed, but that your ds simply misinterpreted something your dh told him. explain about the bullying and about how ds takes things a bit too literally. explain to her that he's upset about the party as he simply doesn't understand what he did wrong.

if she's reasonable she'll understand and if she still has the hump after you saying all that, well then you might be better off without her friendship tbh

troutpout · 28/01/2009 12:21

Honestly? i would tell people that he has autism. I would make sure it was 'out there'
It gives other people the best chance to handle the situation and him properly...and to do the right thing (some may not anyway...but i think they are being rather shortchanged to be kept in the dark). It offers him and you protection too...from misunderstandings and all sorts of ridiculous judgements.

I would go up to the woman and explain...if she is anyway decent she'll probably understand....if she is still off with you then....well...at least she's shown her colours.

I have had a similar conversation/disagreement with ds's (age 11 aspergers/dypraxia) new form tutor (he has just started secondary school). He wants to keep it a secret (ds's dx) within the form group....to the extent that i think ds is occasionally shortchanged in terms of the help he should be getting.
I don't want him to 'pass' for nt. he is different.(sooooo different).Because quite frankly by doing so...it makes him more vunerable. I want the teacher to look at how to address the issue of inclusion with the whole class.

i'll go away now... ...but yes, i would speak to the woman

pagwatch · 28/01/2009 12:26

Yep
just speak to her
you are not aking excuses , you are placing your childs behaviour in context and that will allow you to reassure her that you are doing all you can to ensure those hitting behaviours are reduced.

I have a DS2 with autism but at 5/6 it could just have easily been an NT child. Again I would just say she wants to know that you don'tthink hitting her child is OK.

Parents can get quite irrational in defense of their children can'tthey.

DS2 is being terrorized by another child with ASD and whilst I know it is not the other childs fault it does not stop me imagining bad things happeing to him in my head sometimes

SammyK · 28/01/2009 12:36

I think you have had some good suggestions here on how to approach this mum, and that's what I personally would do to clear the air, wouldn't take the party issue to heart tho.

I am wondering about how I explain DS to other parents myself, he has aspergers too (age 4), and I am thinking of sending a note out to all parents via school, explaining why he is so upset everyday at transition points, that he doesn't like his space invaded, takes things literally etc. ALso asking politely that they don't fuss him when he cries, as this makes him even more hysterical and DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION.

OP: If you hae parents coming up to you regularly in the playground to complain about our ds I think you should brng that up with the school TBH, it must be upsetting for you, and the parents should be aware (and thus sympathetic) to the issues your ds faces.

Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 12:36

thank you all for your replies. now i now what i have to do. i have to be brave. i am so not brave.

{belcant worries it might be her ds picking on pagwatches}

OP posts:
pagwatch · 28/01/2009 12:38

Sadly or otherwise the thing about the playground is that if you tell a couple of mums you then don't have to keep going on about it as it is gossip and they will all tell each other.

I am not saying it is a bad thing - people like to share stuff - and it does save having to make a big announcement.

Talk to a few people you trust ( to repeat it accurately) and they will tell everyone else.

Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 12:39

sammy- the schooli s aware of ds's dx but they are not very supportive tbh. altho i think that they try and deal with it within school as much as poss as after the first parent came up to me and shouted about my ds hurting hers i burst into tears (in rather a hysterical fashion too if i recall) {blush]
after this latest incident the teacher seemed surprised that the mum had spoken to me as she saud it had been 'dealt with' in school time.

OP posts:
Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 12:40

good idea pagwatch. maybe i should get sdome of those cards explainging AS from the NAS??

OP posts:
SammyK · 28/01/2009 12:42

there are cards? they sound like just what I need for ds! am off to look. . .

pagwatch · 28/01/2009 12:47

OOH Bel
make your own it is way better!
I made some for DS1 to give out when DS2 was being especially difficult.
It was fantastic because he worded them how he wanted to and put in butt clenchingly awful things for the people who were complaining and tutting and staring like
'he is just my brother , a little boy who is doing his best' and
' please remember your manners and don't stare at us'

He gave a couple out when people were being especially ghastly and watching them slope away was strangely comforting

troutpout · 28/01/2009 12:50

lol...i love that idea pagwatch

SammyK · 28/01/2009 12:51

they sound great pagwatch

just looked at the ones on the NAS site, and thought myself that I could make some more personal to DS, like the 'I'm not naughty I'm autistic' button badges though.

Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 13:05

pagwatch thats funny! great idea though. cant get ds1 to do them tho as he has AS as well and is currently getting on my wick!!!! (but thats a whole other thread!). how old is your ds with As pagwatch? ds1 is 10 and currently horrific. am worried its hormones and its gonna get a whole heap worse lol

OP posts:
pagwatch · 28/01/2009 13:09

bel
he is 12 now. He is doing pretty well really although we have just had a bad week or two and he has been self harming which I find so .
But generally the downside of him getting older is the hormone thing. The upside is that he gets more comfortable all the time with what is expected of him.
I think DS2 does tend to go through good times and bad times. The bad ones are soo hard arn'tthey because you worry they won't pick up again IYSWIM

You should get DS1 to do them. he could surprise you ( in a good way or a bad way )

Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 13:16

that must be a dreadful thing for a parnet o wacth. mine is ' just' depressed and angry. its like he has pmt. are both your boys autistic?

OP posts:
Original poster
belcantwait · 28/01/2009 13:17

omg! "parent to watch' is what i meant to type. sorry lol

OP posts:
PeachyBAHonsPRSCertOnRequest · 28/01/2009 13:23

Pag ds1 is doing self harming atm also- heart rending isn't it? (for him it's about eating disorders, pulling own hair, hitting himself etc).

makes me dread the future, and so glad that whilst ds3 might be more 'severe' (i'd say moderate with additionals- like facial scarring emphasising language issues)at least he has virtually no (atm) self awareness. never thougt that would be a bonus!