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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

explaining sex to a 5yr old because she asked ....

48 replies

mumof2rugrats · 25/01/2009 17:24

my dd was laying on the floor and her sister (20 months) was sitting on her bouncing as they do and my dd came out with stop having sex with me on my face when she said it i asked her where did she hear that from and she told me a older girl at her school told her that when your cuddling someone and they bounce on you thats called sex now she asking us if it is as we told her that its not something children do or talk about its for grown ups as i dindnt know what to say as i didnt expect my 5yr to ask ..
what would you do im a bit bout it and dont know if i should talk to the girls mum ..
please help

OP posts:

mrsmaidamess · 25/01/2009 17:28

I wouldn't say anything to the other parent.

If your child asks again, say sex is something grown ups do to make a baby. She'll probably trot off quite happily with that explanation.

I don't think you should say its something not to be talked about.

cory · 25/01/2009 17:31

perfectly normal for a 5yo to ask and I wouldn't make her feel awkward for asking

just explain that sex is how grownups make babies, and that it is also a special way for grownups who are in love to show love

you see the alternative to not explaining: she will get some odd mixed-up idea from the playground

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 25/01/2009 17:36

iv told her if she wants at talk about anything she gets told at school that she dont undrstand that she can ask us but we told her that the docs gave us special medi to make her sister as she was to young to understand now i dont want her to think that mummy and daddy lie to her ...

OP posts:

cory · 25/01/2009 17:39

And did the doctor give you special medi to make her sister? If not, then you did lie to her, and sooner or later she is going to find out. But if you had fertility treatment, then you can say sex is how babies are made but sometimes the doctor needs to give a bit of extra help. Or whatever.

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 25/01/2009 19:07

no we made her the old fashion way but she had only just turned 3 when i was pg so i didnt think telling her about sex was right at that age and i still dont now and alot of her friends know how babys come out whereas she thinks they come out of your belly button ..

OP posts:

hercules1 · 25/01/2009 19:10

I would just say mummies and daddies give each other special cuddles and this makes a baby start growing in teh mummies tummy. I would defintely tell her how babies are born. Once around 7 I would have no problem telling her the full story.

Oovavu · 25/01/2009 19:13

You might well just be confusing her. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with telling a 3 year old that mummy and daddy made the baby. And there's also nothing wrong at all in explaining that a baby some out from an opening between the mummy's legs.

Anything but honesty is confusing to a child, imo, although you don't need to be explicit. It's all on a need-to-know basis I've found so far. You wouldn't try to hide the truth about about how food turns into poo would you? It's a bodily function so just treat it like that: honestly and as matter-of-fact as you can.

I've taught sex ed to 14 year olds in the past year and their lack of knowledge about basic sex is truely frightening

mrsdisorganised · 25/01/2009 19:20

Maybe I'm too honest, but my dd's 5,6 and 8 all know exactly how babies are made, periods etc we have a fantastic human body book wich DD2 is obsessed with! Using that and talking about it helped alot, I have no problem with it and we don't use made up words, it's vagina and penis etc Maybe I will be flamed for it, but I feel honesty is the best policy, and hope they come to me later on.....

bcsnowpea · 25/01/2009 19:21

My best friend's favourite story about her childhood was when she asked her mum how babies were made. Her mum was always very honest with her, so the mum decided that if she was going to be asking the question she was ready to here a pretty detailed answer. My friend's response was "But mummy, why would daddy and mummy want to do that to each other?" with a look of mild disgust on her face. Her mum just burst out laughing, and my friend accepted the explanation and moved on.

Prob explaining sex from the baby perspective is the best because kids can understand that, and especially if they've got younger siblings, or are just thinking about themselves, they can relate it to something they know. I have to say I agree with best friend's mum... if they're old enough to be honest and ask the question, then they're old enough to get some form of honest response. I guess the level of detail is up to you.

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 25/01/2009 19:27

well she never brought it up before and its only cos of a older girl at school told her about it and i wasnt lying to her when i said that babies come out of your belly button really as some do as she found out the other day when i turned the tv on and a lady was having a c-section ..

OP posts:

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 25/01/2009 19:29

You told her babies come out of your belly button
Words fail me.

neolara · 25/01/2009 22:52

I've just read my 4 year old dd "Mummy laid an egg" by Babette Cole. It explains the basics. There's one page that made my raise my eyes a bit - but maybe that's because I'm a bit of a old prude.

piratecat · 25/01/2009 22:55

Littlefish · 25/01/2009 22:58

Please don't tell lies to your child about things like this. You don't have to give her all the facts at once, but please answer any questions she asks honestly and simply.

Telling a child that her sister was made by mummy being given medicine, and babies come out of your belly button is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

You know that at some point (very soon) you are going to have to back track and tell her the facts, don't you. Please don't confuse her any further.

Littlefish · 25/01/2009 22:59

Just remembered, there is a great course for parents called "Speakeasy" which is run through some schools and children's centres. It's all about how to talk with your children about bodies, emotions, sex and relationships. It sounds like you might benefit from attending.

cory · 25/01/2009 23:01

What I don't get is why you seem to think there is something wrong about a young child knowing how a baby is born- or conceived for that matter? Do you think there is something a bit nasty about it? And do you want your dd to grow up thinking there is something a bit unpleasant about the whole thing?

Why would it be preferable for her to believe that babies are born through the belly button? If you said that C-sections are given through the belly button, then you were certainly not telling the truth- what a revolting idea! The scar doesn't bear thinking of.

I have found that the stories doing the rounds of the playground are far more disgusting than the truth: apparently, ds's friends have told him that babies are conceived by the Dad weeing on the Mum. I was quite happy to be able to disabuse him of that idea.

Astrophe · 25/01/2009 23:01

sorry mumof2rugrats, I'm sure you are a lovely mum, but I think you have been silly to tell your DD lies.

My DD, 4.5 years, knows the basics of sex - Mummy, Daddy, egg, sperm, vagina, penis...and that its a very special thing that only Mummies and Daddies do because they love each other. She knows that its a 'private' thing, because its about 'private bits', and that she can talk about it to Mummy any time.

The above is collected information from conversations we have had since she was about 2 - obviously the detail has grown over the years.

I think you need to back right up and start again with her, or she is going to end up with odd layground ideas about sex and , worse than that, will feel awkward and ebarassed about talking to you about it.
Good luck

RockinSockBunnies · 25/01/2009 23:02

I really don't understand why you're choosing to lie to your child and store up potentially confusing issues for her. What is so hard about giving a factual answer to a question?

If your DD asked where food went, surely you'd explain the process of chewing, swallowing, how it's absorbed and where it comes out? So why make such a song and dance about where babies come from?

Can't you explain the concept that a seed from each of you meets, a baby grows in a uterus and emerges from the vagina?

The more you mutter about sex and make it something 'dirty', the more issues she's likely to have with it.

Remotew · 25/01/2009 23:11

I had this when DD's dad had got his girlfriend preggers when she was 5 (DD that is). I said that the daddy puts a seed inside the mummy via a special place and it can grow into a baby. Then after 9 months the baby comes out of the mummy via the same special place.

OK she asked but how does the daddy put the seed in there? Ohhhh. Ok you know that boys and girls are different. 'Yes boys have short hair girls have long' OK but our bodies are different. 'Ohhh yes boys have willys', yes and when we are adults the grown up boys put the willies into that special place that grown up girls have, pointing. She burst out laughting, ROLF and said that is soooo rude and never mentioned it again. . did tell her not to tell her friends until they asked.

Sorry if tmi but I remember this 10 years ago.

nooka · 25/01/2009 23:12

Well I had two c-sections, and my belly button had nothing to do with either of them. A five year old is more than capable of handling honest, simple answers about sex. I really think you are storing up lots of trouble for yourself if you go on making up stories instead of giving her answers to what are perfectly reasonable questions. The media is so full of sexual innuendo that the sort of circumstances that you describe (ie your child hears something, gets the wrong end of the stick and asks you about it, or you overhear something a bit odd) will only increase. Much easier to just say it how it is. Generally I have found that if I have given my two too much info they switch off, and ask about other things, but it is a very natural interest.

Remotew · 25/01/2009 23:17

At 5 though we should still allow our children innocence. I think I handled it well see below, or above. Later on if she asked she got age appropriate explanations.

This was a penis, vagina etc people call them all sorts then we had a laugh about the slang names, but not at 5 more like 9 or 10.

nooka · 25/01/2009 23:29

Yes your approach sounds similar to mine, although I got plenty of follow up questions over the years

Astrophe · 26/01/2009 08:52

But whats more innocent than a small child understanding the basics of sex, and not feeling 'weird' abut it? In a few more years, they will have been fed all sorts of rubbish by the media, and all sorts of distored views of sex - and thats what ruins their innocence, not understanding sex in the context of loving relationships...thats beautiful! Personally, I want to get to my kids before the world does on this one.

macwoozy · 26/01/2009 08:57

neolara I know exactly the page you're talking about, very imaginative shall we say

GooseyLoosey · 26/01/2009 09:02

Our explanation to 4 and 5 year old dcs went a bit like this:

"You know how baby chicks hatch out of eggs? Well mummy has eggs in her tummy. On their own the eggs do not grow into babies - daddy has special little cells a bit like tiny fishes which come out of the end of his willy. It takes one of daddy's little fishes and mummy's eggs to make a baby. The baby grows in mummy's tummy".

Ds will now happilly tell anyone about "little fishes" and eggs. Sometimes I wonder if I came up with the right explanation as it does sound a little odd.

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