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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

explaining sex to a 5yr old because she asked ....

48 replies

mumof2rugrats · 25/01/2009 17:24

my dd was laying on the floor and her sister (20 months) was sitting on her bouncing as they do and my dd came out with stop having sex with me on my face when she said it i asked her where did she hear that from and she told me a older girl at her school told her that when your cuddling someone and they bounce on you thats called sex now she asking us if it is as we told her that its not something children do or talk about its for grown ups as i dindnt know what to say as i didnt expect my 5yr to ask ..
what would you do im a bit bout it and dont know if i should talk to the girls mum ..
please help

OP posts:

EllieG · 26/01/2009 09:03

My DSD was very confused about her spacehopper after reading that page....

HSMM · 26/01/2009 09:24

My DD (now 9) knew from an early age that babies can come out of your bottom, or a doctor can take them out of your tummy. She didn't ask how they got there. She is currently going through puberty (!) and certainly knows more about how her body works that I did at age 9. I simply fed her information at the rate she asked for it, so she didn't get any 'scary' facts she didn't want to know about. If I hadn't told her the truth earlier, how would I explain what I have taught her this year?

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 26/01/2009 11:02

reading through all of these i do think i handled it right she is still to young to know all the details and its not lying its just not going into detail i think telling children that santa and tooth fairys are real is the worst lie as when they find out the truth they know that you have lied to there face ...

OP posts:

Littlefish · 26/01/2009 11:16

But it is lying.

You are telling your daughter things that are not true. Therefore, it is lying.

You told your daughter that babies come out of belly buttons. That is a lie.

You told her that the doctors gave you special medicine to make her sister. You have confirmed here that you did not need any fertility treatment so again, you have lied to her.

5 yrs old is not too young to understand the basic and simple facts about body parts and reproduction.

Have you read the overwhelming sentiment on this thread? You are absolutely in a minority in your views on this. I had hoped that it might give you some food for thought, but obviously not.

How old is "old enough"? Will you tell her when she's 6, or 7 or 8? It's entirely possible that her periods may start by the time she's 9. Will you have told her the truth by then?

She will begin talking at school about emotions, bodies, sex and relationships in her PHSE lessons. It would be much better if she heard it from you first.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 26/01/2009 11:27

When DD2 was about four I remember finding her sitting on the floor naked with a mirror pointing at her fanjo. When I asked her what she was doing she informed me that she was trying to look up her vagina.
Children are naturally curious about their bodies. Why not let them have the information they need. You wouldn't think of telling them lies about how their heart or their lungs work, would you?

RockinSockBunnies · 26/01/2009 12:08

So what age is appropriate to stop lying to your children then?

What's going to happen if your DD starts puberty early? Or if she gets confused in the playground when a friend happens to tell her a more factual version of the human body and reproduction?

Are you going to bury your head in the sand and come out with trite little stories when she begins being sexually active?

I think it's ridiculous that you equate factual knowledge of the human body with some kind of loss of innocence. Just because a child knows that a vagina is and how a baby is made, this won't suddenly make them start experimenting with sex. It will just give them a natural and healthy view of their body.

Mamazon · 26/01/2009 12:11

Only ever answer the question youhave been asked. don't try and get ahead of yourself or over complicate things.

she said that sex was bouncing on someone whilst cuddling. you simply asnwer that the other girl has gotten it wrong, of course it doesn't mean that.

then IF she asks what sex is you can explain that its what adults do to make babies.

alicecrail · 26/01/2009 12:13

mumrugrat I think you handled it well ie: Sex is something grown ups do, its not for children etc. At 5 i think thats all they need to know especially if she is happy with that explanation. However, i don't agree with the lying about medicene etc, could be making a rod for your own back! I think my line is going to be "Mummy and Daddy have decided to have another baby" End of conversation (i hope!!) Hope all is well, and will see you next week x

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 26/01/2009 12:18

thanks alicecrail the medi thing was the first thing i could think of when she asked how the baby got in my belly lol...

OP posts:

Gorionine · 26/01/2009 12:19

I agree that a question asked should be answered,whatever age the child is with appropriate words, not lies. I think your answer is the correct one at that age.

alicecrail · 26/01/2009 12:31

Perhaps you could ask people on here to advise on books that may be useful for this age and topic, or ask her teacher.

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 26/01/2009 12:36

i spoke to her teacher and she said i told her the right thing as her class will be learning sex ed in summer but only watching a kitten being born and that there needs to be a girl and boy cat that sort of thing..

OP posts:

alicecrail · 26/01/2009 12:41

Thats a good idea, I'm hoping dh can explain to dd as he's a vet!!! Passing the buck!

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 26/01/2009 13:02

wish i could do that but as dp was laughing his head off as it was a bit of a shock that she came out with it lol..

OP posts:

Horton · 26/01/2009 13:11

I don't think the belly button stuff is at all appropriate. For a start, a CS is not at all the same thing as having a baby come out of your navel and secondly, that is not the usual route. DD is two and asked me where babies come from so I said "out of a mummy's vagina" and she is perfectly happy with that. She likes to talk about Mummy coming out of Mummy's Mummy and Daddy coming out of Daddy's Mummy and finds it all very interesting. She hasn't asked how the babies get in there yet but when she does, I will go for the little fishes/sperm and eggs route (while pointing out that it's something that only grown ups do). I don't think it's at all a good idea to give children the idea that such things are somehow not to be talked about, which is exactly what you are doing if you tell lies and then have to backtrack later. She will wonder why you couldn't have told her the truth to start with and probably assume that there is something (maybe bad) about it that needs to be a secret. It's a perfectly normal and natural part of life and it's completely normal to be curious about it!

Original poster

mumof2rugrats · 26/01/2009 13:16

i understand what you are saying but thelling her the way i did is fine and we all lie to our children as i said earlier are you going to tell them that santa aint real or are you going to let them find out and upset them and i have not told her that sex bad just that its for adults .

OP posts:

Horton · 26/01/2009 13:50

I honestly don't think that Father Christmas and the tooth fairy are the same thing at all. Children work out on their own that these aren't real, gradually. And it doesn't seem to upset most of them. And it wouldn't matter if they got to twelve or thirteen and still believed in them, apart from being a bit odd.

Mimia · 26/01/2009 16:22

My mum told me she bought my younger brother in Tescos on special offer I was of the learnt in the playground variety.

Astrophe · 26/01/2009 23:20

fwiw, I don't tell my kids that father chrictmas or the tooth fairy are real either...but in any case, I don't think its the same. If they find the lie of Santa upsetting, or confusing, well...theres not so much harm done I guess. But what message do we give our children if we lie about sex? That its dirty? Evil? Embarassing? Not things I want my kids to think! At best, they will just assume that WE, the parents, are dreadfully embarassed about it, ad so they wont want to talk to us about sex, and will talk to their friends and others instead.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 26/01/2009 23:28

I answer all of dd1's questions about sex/babies honestly but with little details. She is normally happy.

i.e.

dd1; How did you get a baby in your tummy?
me; Mummy and daddy made her and now she has to grow in there.
dd1; how did you make her.
me; daddy gave me some sperm and it mixed with my egg and grew into a baby
dd1; whats sperm
me; it's what boys have to make babies and girls have the eggs.

If she asks specifically what sex is then I will tell her its what adults do when they are in love with each other either to make babies or to express love towards each other.

cory · 27/01/2009 09:17

mumof2rugrats on Mon 26-Jan-09 13:16:03
"i understand what you are saying but thelling her the way i did is fine and we all lie to our children as i said earlier are you going to tell them that santa aint real or are you going to let them find out and upset them and i have not told her that sex bad just that its for adults ."

Afraid I really don't get your position on this at all. First you said you couldn't tell your dd the truth because you didn't want her to think you'd been lying to her and now you say lying to her is fine and we all do.

Well, either it's fine or it isn't.

The difference between Santa and the belly button story is that Santa is a sort of fairy tale that we make up for the children to enjoy, to make life more exciting and magical; once they see through it, they usually understand this and are happy to play along.

It is hard to see how your dd would get the same feeling from your peculiar explanations of sex: the most likely outcome is that she will feel that you think there is something a bit nasty about the truth.

When I was a child in the sixties we had an absolutely beautiful book with colour photographs of a baby growing in the womb and being born(Lennart Nilsson) and it really made me feel how special the whole thing was. I wish I could get hold of it for ds.

Littlefish · 27/01/2009 10:17

Cory - that book has been re-released. I was given it when I was pregnant with dd. It's absolutely wonderful.

A child is born

cory · 27/01/2009 10:47

Ah bless you- oooh, I want that!

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