My mum and dad have made a suggestion WRT DD for when lo is born, I have some questions to ask people in the know about it.

[DustyTv]

DD will be 20mo when lo is born. I am starting to worry about how DD will cope with a sibling and how I will cope with 2 lol.
I am also very worried about DD feeling pushed out etc.

I was speaking to my mum about it last week and she called me earlier this morning to make a suggestion that her and dad had come up with.

For the first few weeks after lo is born mum has said if I want her and dad will pick up DD for the day 3-4 times a week. This will give me time to settle the baby and get BF off to a decent start. It will also give DD some good one on one attention with her GP's.

I think it is a lovely idea and would wholeheartedly go for it, but I am worried about how DD will perceive this.
Will DD see it as 'out with the old and in with the new' so to speak. Will she think that I have abandoned her in favor of her younger sibling?

She loves my mum and dad and sees them 4-5 times a week as it is anyway but not always on her own for a full day. She will be fine wit them but I am just worried about her feeling put out, away from me IYSWIM.

Any advice welcome.

I can remember having similar thoughts when my second one came along but DS just took it all in his stride.

I'm wondering if 4 times a week might be too much time away from you but 2 or 3 times a week would be lovely for all, I think. Try it for a week or two and see what happens. It doesn't sound like an arrangement set in stone so be prepared to be flexible.

Hmm, not sure. If you do want to do it, I would probably start before the baby is born rather than as soon as the new baby appears in the house, DD gets shunted out (I know that's not how it is, but how it might seem to your DD). I would perhaps limit it to 2 or 3 days a week too. Your DD needs to get used to the idea of a new baby and the new family unit too, so she needs to be around, IMO.

Perhaps for a couple of days a week I think it would be great, not a majority though.

I'm assuming that your DH will be around at weekends, so you really need to be as a family then, and you'll be able to manage 2 or 3 other days with the 2 of them - just don't set your sights too high in the early days and accept that cbeebies might be on a bit more than you're used to atm!

I think it sounds lovely but if your parents are up to it, then maybe start doing it before the baby is born so that she doesn't associate the two? Will also give you a much needed break at the end ofyour pregnancy. I have 15 months between my two and dd1 reacted brilliantly, better than I expected but I did worry about it a lot.

DD1 stayed with my gran a lot during the end of my pregnancy but after I had the baby she came home. She didn't want to go her Nana's because she was excited about the baby and wanted to be with her.

I didn't want feeling like the baby was more important. So long as you ensure that you and dd still get 1 on 1 time she will be fine with the new baby.

did you see this thread dusty?

might help

DD2 was 20 months when I had ds - she just pointed at him and said 'baby', then totally ignored him! I agree with the others about starting the visits before the baby is born, and keeping it at 2-3 per week.
In my experience, it was a few weeks later whn she realised that ds was here to stay that things got a little tricky!

ds1 spent a lot of time with my parents in the weeks after ds2 was born and in hindsight I think it was a bad idea.

I think it is important that the older sibling is at home with everyone and being made to feel a part of things... not pushed out with grandparents.

i mean, ds1 loves my parents and would gladly spend all day every day with them, so it isn't that. it's just that I think it may have helped if we'd all just been together and stuck it out instead of farming him out to them.

YOU know you are doing it for the right reasons, but to a very small child it could well seem like "hmm, I have to go away while mummy and daddy stay with the new baby"

What about half days?

DS1 carried on going to his childminder for half days during my maternity leave pre and post DS2's birth (we were paying her anyway and I needed a break AND still had work to do pre-baby).

It worked really well for us.

She came and picked him up in the morning so I could stay in my dressing gown, and I didn't have to deal with the 2 of them on my own for a whole day at time.

It was lucky we DID do this because DS2 had bad reflux and didn't sleep at all and screamed non-stop.

I think towards the end of your pregnancy and the early weeks of the little one being here is a great idea. I wouldn't go for more than 2-3 days a week.
DS1 went to my Mum and Dad when I had DS2 and although DS2 arrived quickly and we were ready for DS1 to come back by Saturday Lunchtime - he stayed at my Mums until Sunday afternoon - it was lovely for DH and I to have that time with DS2.
Enjoy - Sounds like your M&D are going to be a great support to you

I sort of agree with midnightexpress post. If youwait until the baby arrives to let DD go 3-4 times a week with your parents she will feel pushed out (My DD1 nd DS1 are 22 mths appart so quite similar really). And 3-4 days might be a little too much as well.

I found that it was a bit harder for me but better for DD1 to actually have both of them with me most of the time and try to involve her with little things like getting a clean nappy for you... She will feel better if you share things (on the sofa, baby in one arm and Dd on other lap, even if justy for a few minutes at a time).

I had 17mths between mine, and didn't have the option of someone taking dd1 away, but actually I think it was quite nice for them to be together. Could your folks come over to yours for an hour or so a few times a week, so that your dd can get the extra attention, but without feeling "pushed out"? That might achieve the same aim (giving you time to deal with the baby without having to also look after dd1) and makes her feel important and special at the same time???

We considered doing something similar when DD2 was born, but decided against it. The GPs would pick up DD1 for an afternoon out, but we felt that it was important that we all settled into life as a family of four. It was lovely to have the occasional quiet afternoon though! And DD1 loved being able to go out and have fun, as it was hard for me at first (actually still is 3 months on ).

What a lovely offer. I agree it would best if they could start well before the birth.

Also, if she turns out to be a baby that always sleeps in motion, perhaps they could come over and take the baby out in the pram so you get some special time with your eldest. My Dad did this for me. He was never far away so I didn't have to worry about baby suddently waking hungry.

BTW, 21 month age gap here and they play so well together, it is fab!

Ooooh, I just thought that actually sometimes maybe your parents could just take dc2 out for a walk for an hour or so (timed with feedings obviously) to give you some time alone with ds1? That would balance things out a bit.

My hv is lovely and said something really helpful in the first couple of weeks when dd1 was a bit tearful at nursery - the first few weeks after baby is born are all a bit weird for an older sibling, not just becuase of the baby but because daddy is (probably) home, there are lots of visitors (we had parent/in-laws staying for nearly 2 weeks), lots of presents and stuff going on and in fact for some toddlers that can be a bit unsettling after a while. She advised that when things settled down and dp went back to work and everything got back to "normal" (as normal as it can be with two littlies on your hands), DD1 would settle down too and that was totally true. So do whatever you need to do to get through the early weeks (depending how you feel after the birth and what kind of baby dc2 is) and then just settle into a routine as a family of four.

I think maybe if they could do a few mornings for you as suggested that may be a help - that way if youve had a bad nights sleep you can catch up!

I think its really important though to start this before the baby arrives, there are 2 years between my children but when I look at photos of that time now all I can see on DS1s face is anxiety as he wasnt sure about the impact the new baby would have on his life.

We also bought him a present we knew he really wanted and gave it to him as a present from the baby the first time they met. He always referred to it at "the one X gave me"

Yes osoth's suggestion is good too.

My mum had a bad experience with "sending" me away when my DB was born.

She was in hospital for a couple of weeks (as you did at the time) and so sent me to stay with my grandparents.

Apparantly I loved it but got back and there was a baby in my place.

You are not suggesting anything so extreme and fwiw my mum thinks that the way we did things really helped DS1 to adjust to having a new sibling whilst also having someone to be 100% available for him (his childminder).

Sounds like you can play it by ear anyway.

oops x-posted there osotc!

I second the present suggestion - DS1 (now 4) referred to it again the other day.

He asked if DS2 had the present in my tummy with him!

We just got a toy airplane - nothing major but as I said, he still remembers it.

LOL havent...I think my son asked the same thing

His was a really cheap DVD he was desperate to have.

Thank you everyone, some really good suggestions on here.

It is not set in stone anyway and mum just said to think it over and to speak to DH about it.

What about if mum and dad were to pick DD up for a couple of mornings a week and maybe a short afternoon. So from 10-13 two mornings a week, then mum can give DD her dinner, and 13-16 one afternoon a week. DH comes home about 16.30-17.00 ish anyway so that would work out well I think. I wll deffo start it early, maybe when I am about 7 months gone.

We have decided to get DD into the spare room and into a 'big girl' bed when she is about 18mo so that we have the nursery free. I know lo will be with us for the first 6 months anyway but we may as well get her used to it as soon as poss.

DH did suggest to me the other day about having the lo 'give' DD a present from them. I am glad to hear that it is something that works.

Alos mum and dad will be having DD when I go into have lo, probably at least one night over. DD hasn't stayed over anywhere without me before as I am not ready for it yet. I think DD will be fine though. Should we have a couple of 'practice' sleep overs at mum and dads before the baby is due? Or is that too PFB?

I don't think you need to do a practice sleep over - you don't even know if you'll need it (baby might be born in the day time so DH can go home and look after her.

YOur plan sounds good - I mostly sent DS to the childminder's in the mornings and lunch too - he came home and we all snuggled up together in bed and read some books and I usually had managed to eat some lunch so was more relaxed.

But an occasional afternoon will be nice for a sleep too (or even to get out of the house if you need to buy baby stuff - I found it fine to do a quick run to the shops with a sleeping newborn but with DS1 in tow it would have been a nightmare).

Good luck - it will all be fine with so much support to hand.

I am just so glad that I have so much support from my mum and dad, I feel very lucky.

dp took ds out most mornings and it was lovely to have quiet restful times with dd. sounds like you've worked out a good plan. good luck!