Did a BAD thing this morning-I sent dd to school in her pj's

[Pawslikepaddington]

And she was screaming so much when I left her there another mum came out and asked if she had had an accident . They have implimented a leave your child at the door policy, as the school is very small, and so the nursery nurse teacher asked me to leave and said she would get her dressed, so I did. I feel so mean-she is a horror most mornings re getting dressed, doing teeth, and doing hair, and I decided that I had to get tough or she would never stop it, so I did. Please tell me I did the right thing-she had so many chances this morning and blew them all, was saying "I will only get dressed if you take me here" etc, and I am NOT bargaining over getting dressed in the morning!

I can understand your frustration, but i doubt taking her school in her pjs will be any guarantee that it wont happen again.

My ds who is nearly 5 has a strop about getting dressed, i try to avoid power struggles at all costs. I turn it into a game, lets see how fast you can do it, i will count etc, etc. If that doesnt work i sit there and give him a choice, what do you want to put on first, your socks or t shirt.

What have you tried to encourage her to get dressed?

She had it within her power to choose to get dressed and she chose not to. Therefore YANBU, she is!

I would have done this yonks ago.

Once you've picked your battle you have to win it.

Hope she comes out contrite later.

I'm sure you're doing this already but give her countdowns in the morning - we're leaving in 15 minutes, leaving in 5 minutes etc.

Lots has been said since I first wrote post. Have you tried asking the school for support - the class teacher can verbally encourage the child when she arrives on time. They could reward her with something if she makes it. Talk to them. If her behaviour is also like that in school it may be worth a chat with classroom teacher or even senco for advice. Do they have a morning exercise thing (wake up shake up?) Perhaps if she liked that she would be nore enthusiastic about getting ready? Does she like school are there any issues that delay tactics are helping her to avoid? Sorry lots if questions..!

I'd like to know how you got her out of the house and on the bike wearing her pjs. IME, the threat "You will go to school in your pjs if you don't get dressed", followed by "Right, I am leaving now" results in the child running to get dressed. Did your dd not kick up a fuss at being made to leave the house in her pjs?

by the way, the child should read "your beautiful daughter" and nore should read "more"!

I have tried EVERYTHING-charts, outings, no breakfast until dressed, what would you like to wear, picking the clothes out the night before, games, a tv programme as a reward (she isn't allowed morning tv as it makes it so much worse), the list goes on, and still the power struggles go on. She was fully aware that she would end up going in in her pj's from 7.15 this morning-she had an hour and a half, of warnings every 5 minutes increasing to every two minutes, and yet she still wouldn't let me get her dressed, let alone get dressed herself, so I gave up and carried the threat out. Right, am off to work-thank you for making me feel like I haven't damaged her irrepairably!

Hope tomorrow is better for you

Every morning we have a little competition-she chooses her clothes, I choose mine, and we get dressed. This morning it was a no go, I was fully dressed, dd was hiding in her wardrobe and I had to physically remove her. Then, to diffuse the situation we went down to breakfast as "we must hurry now, it is 8 o'clock, we only have time for breakfast and hair, quick dressed and then go", and the countdown continued from there-she learnt her minutes past the hour from our morning countdowns! I got her out of the hosue and on to the bike through physical restraint, and three times she had the opportunity to go back and change, and each time refused and shouted bad things at me, so in the end I said last chance and then set off. Think it was a shock to her that I actually did it though. Think we should do the wake up and shake up at home!!

Paws I don't think it is a solution for everything but as a one off then hey don't worry about it.

I carried DS1 (4) to school on Friday because he wouldn't put his shoes on. I decided not to argue about it and said that was fine but it wasn't going to stop him going to school.

It is such a nightmare when you get stuck in a rutt and feel like you have tried everything. Hope tomorrow is easier for you

The thing is, the OP didn't humiliate her child. She told her child to get dressed. She said she wouldn't be doing it for her child. She pointed out that if her child didn't get dressed, she would still be in her pjs when it was time to go to school. Her child is old enough to understand, and capable of dressing herself.

The child chose not to get dressed. So she arrived at school in her pjs. Logical consequence.

Now that you've made the point - and it sounds like she needed it to be made strongly - now, all the other stuff - games, stickers, encouraging - all that may have a chance of working. Good luck!

I've let ds1 walk to school in his socks with no coat on a few times cos he spent so much time faffing around at the door, and the rest of us were all ready to go. I threw his coat and shoes onto ds2's pram, and made sure he had appreciated how cold it was before I stopped and let him put them on ... He is in the nursery class and it doesn't really matter if he is late, he doesn't care, but dd is older and he makes her late as well.

Thanks Greyskull-that's all it really is here-she thinks that she goes to school and I go back home, so wants to be at home instead and so will try anything to not go to school (which I don't, and have shown her where I work etc, so she knows, but just doesn't WANT to know!)

x-posted with Paws!

Not that carrying ds1 was an option for me, with ds2 to push. And anyway, ds1 would see that as a treat, I'd never get him to put his shoes on if he thought I'd carry him if he didn't.

Not Paws, Bythepower.

Thank you too fruitful-I am an "old school" disciplinarian-you get the consequences of your actions. I was even willing to get her dressed, but I refuse to run around for 40 minutes in the morning trying to pin her down to get knickers on her-I shouldn't have to, and she is aware of this and aware of where the boundaries are. Oooh I love sticker charts though!! xx

oh, I empathise with you completely; DS used to be just the same. I can understand why you did it as we used to threaten it all the time, but thankfully it never got to that stage.

We found that an egg timer and sticker chart gave him the motivation he needed to get on and get himself ready, with a little help if needed. He occasionally slips back into his old ways so the timer comes out again or we make it a race or get him to see if he can beat his alltime recordm and that gets him back on track.

The taking her to school in her pjs has probably scared her enough to make her get dressed for a while, but i doubt it will last forever.

How about sitting with her and giving her the choice, socks or shirt. Putting nothing on is not an option, its either socks or shirt. Then if you dont choose i will and i will put your socks on.

Im totally with you on the carrying threats through, otherwise they are empty, just trying to thinks of ways to avoid a power struggle

Daisy-you have given me a great idea!! Dd is obsessed with numbers and maths, so we can do a record book in the mornings-it took dd x minutes to eat her breakfast, y minutes to get dressed, dd got up at x o'clock, we left the house at y o'clock, it took z minutes overall to leave the house, (+ stickers of course!) and that way she may get really excited and fill it in, and will want to read it before her bedtime story to compare (she loves numbers, but letters do nothing for her, so if you write get dressed - sticker square it means nothing, but if you do it in numbers she will get really excited, i.e. gets a sticker for a good time). Right, argh, must work!! Thank you all!!

sounds brilliant Paws - My DS1 would love that as well

Good Luck

I completely sympathise with you Paws. I've had to put dd's tights on at school gate before now. I know other people who have given child to nurse to dress, and that did detoxify windup situation. What worked for us to defuse morning windups were first starcharts which included getting dressed and coming home from school nicely, and then when that wore thin, elaborate hairdos in morning hairslides, clips etc, hairbrushing, which she looked forward to showing off to her friends.
But really in the end, it was a way of asserting herself, so I had to make her feel that she was powerful and important in some other way or it was a battle I was never going to win.

Paws, she sounds very much like my DD also age 5 in that DD is generally really well behaved apart from getting dressed in the morning (whether she has school or not) and getting undressed at night (though she doesn't hit etc she stalls, sulks, moans etc). I have tried absolutely everything that has been mentioned by others, the thing is the effects of these wear off after a while and we have to constantly be inventive to find new ways of getting dressed in time. I feels like this problem has been going on for years ever since I can remember and I am really sick of it. Like you I wanted to take her to nursery in her pjs but DH wasn't having it (Yes, we have that good/cop bad cop thing going). Yesterday morning I told her to get me a pen and paper because I wanted to write a letter to her teacher in advance of her being late for school to tell him it was because she wouldn't get dressed. That worked but it won't work again unless I carry it through. Not much help but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one with this problem.

swanriver I am interested in how you make your DD feel important and powerful in other ways?

Loads of MNers have said it, but just to chip in - I, too, have taken my DD to nursery in her PJs as she was not ready when I said it was time to leave, despite masses of warning, encouraging etc. Like most, I only had to do it once!

Paws, I too would have done the very same thing, and probably a lot sooner too! At 5 a child is more than old enough to understand that actions come with consequences and as someone else has mentioned, refusing to get dressed in the mornings results in pitching up at school with pajamas on - simple! I've already been teaching my 21 month old the same concept for example - emptying out his entire toy box results in him tyding it all up again, deliberately throwing his food on the floor results in him helping me clean it up etc. I want him to learn to take responsibility for his actions and so far it's working really well!