DH won't stop screaming at dcs - help please

[winterblues]

Especially our 4 year old ds. Our ds is being unbelievably difficult and it is unbearably stressful but my dh keeps losing his temper and screaming at him. This is imo making the situation worse. I have no problem with the type of discipline my husband suggests, e.g. time outs and the like. It is the way he flies off the handle before dragging him to a time out that I hate and resent. I am so so depressed about all of this. I feel out of control of my ds and bitterly resent my dh for losing the plot constantly. I really really don't know what to do. My dh says he feels bad about it but carries on doing it.

It's so hard to deal with. I understand that feeling. Sometimes when they had time together, the power politics became much less, and my dh behaved brilliantly. I think when two of you are trying to deal with a situation, the child can behave even worse, thus triggering desperation in parent's response. It's actually very good that you can see a pattern emerging because it shows that you can find a solution to your ds's behaviour by staying calm, and you are seeing things objectively.
Could you ask your husband if he feels personally let down by your son's behaviour, rather than realising that it is something that you both have to deal with. My husband sometimes felt he had spent all day being kind and nice, looking after the dcs and they were so ungrateful etc. But you cannot actually reason with children of that age, it is not possible to negotiate or tell them how they should feel. They just FEEL.
Perhaps you could talk him through the whole situation, and how together you have to model very calm confident behaviour not reactive aggressive behaviour, and tell him how much you value his help.
Good luck

Book Parenting classes for you both.
Then say to your husband that you do not feel able to cope with your childrens behaviour so you are going to go to a parenting class, and will he come top as you don't trust yourself to remember all you have learnt, and also it would help your kids if you both parented the same way.

Hi thanks, are there any particular parenting classes you would recommend? DO you think they really do help?

Winter, they can't not help, anything is worth a try.
I have found this its worth a try

Yes. Family Caring Trust do courses. don't know links unfortunately. But there's a book called From Pram to Primary School by Michael & Terri Quinn Isbn 1872253105 published by FCT. But I only found out once my dcs were at school! It was a brilliant course.

Thanks load I will have a look at that. In the meantime has anyone else been through this. Between my dh and my ds I just want to run away (although I would never do that to my dcs) but I really really want to.

Can't say my dh went on it tho. But he absorbed what I learnt.

Parenting classes are a good idea,
also look for books by Steve Biddulph and 'How to talk so kids will listen and..' at the library.

I know it is massively easier said than done
but in the meantime just let him do his parenting to the best of his abilities
and you do your parenting the way you see fit.

I have had a few of these situations with the missus as well as my parents
and found that you cannot really impose your ideas on someone else
mainly because so much in parenting is instinct and emotions.

hmm. I think you need to step in when you think your dh is losing control. Show by example, (if you are able to) that a calmer parent can will eventually calm a frenzied small child.

In our household dp and I swap this role, as sometimes Dp is tired and less able to cope with ds's meltdowns, and sometimes I need Dp to do it for me. Ds is 5 now, and a much calmer happier boy than his 4 yr old self, so this phase doesn't last forever!!

The advice above is good. I would add (and this is our personal thing) that if one of us becomes angry with Ds then the non angry one offers solace/kindness/comfort - so that we never 'gang up on' Ds IYSWIM? This helps too - for us, as Ds is then left to deal with his personal outrage alone.

Sorry, meant to say - never left to deal with his personal outrage alone.

I think a huge part of the problem is my dh's dreadful temper and black moods. And when he starts screaming I get seriously pissed off and we end up not talking. Tonight is especially bad and he has just screamed at the kids who are playing up about sleeping. I already suffer from PND and I am beginning to feel seriously low. I have no family here so when dh and I argue I have noone. Plus I, myself, do not know how to sort out the kids, they are being so suprememly difficult and added into the equation is a baby who never sleeps. It is a f..king nightmare just now.

Please don't let your DH shout at your children - my dad was a mad shouter & it has, dare I say it, damaged me.

I am seeing a therapist, who, when I described my childhood, called it a warzone. I am jumpy, anxious & currently suffering from depression.

Your children will be affected by this & you, as their mother, must protect them.

I am also hot tempered & shout, but am working extremely hard to stop. It is very difficult.

My DH is much calmer, so I am asking him to step in quicker to deal with the situations so that I don't blow. Perhaps this is something you could try ?

Also, perhaps you could sit down with your husband & find out what is making him angry that he blows his top at their behaviour, there is usually a link to something else.

very definiately with DS1 who is 3; if I get cross he gets worse,

if I play down his bad behaviour and give him positive attention the difference is amazing. Time out tends to make him worse, much better to get to his level, explain why he should stop what he is doing and then ignore him. If continues threaten a sanction (eg to remove toy) and then if continues will little fuss remove toy.

But far more importantly praise the good. If leaving the house is a flash point, talk the dc and say we all fight lets make it better, (and then look at things you can do to ease the tension eg -sort out bags before you start getting kids ready. Then if he does leave the house nicely give him a sticker or lots of praise.

I also think consitency is massively important so if you and your Dh are doing things differently your kids will be confused and play up.

Give warnings about things that are going to happen eg - we'll watch the end of this programme then lets turn it off, then as it ends say 'the programmes ending in a minute' then when it ends say 'who wants to turn it off' (they actually fight to do this in our house...the same kids baying to have it on 10 mins earlier )

The warning thing works for everything; tea time (and we're having..), it makes them feel like they have some control as they know what is coming next. I would hate for someone to say shoes on we're off out now with no prior warning.

Also your DH needs to sort out his anger, it can be very frightening for a small child. It is like that to you?

I second the book 'how to talk'

and parenting classes can be really good.

hope things get better

You are both so right, I am just so exhausted by this. I was also brought up in a shouting household and it was the last thing I wanted for my dcs. My dh never used to be like this but as each year passes he gets worse. I am no angel and can have a filthy temper myself but I am really trying to control ot around the children. I don't feel he is. He has stormed off to bed because I said I will not talk to him while he is an agressive mood. It must be terrifying for a small child as I find it frightening myself. God this is a nightmare.

Poor you, it sounds really tough

How about relate as well? It really helped friends of mine

of to bed now ...I am ill !

but will check in tomorrow to see how you are

when you say he never used to be like it was that before you had you dc?

how many do you have btw?

poor you, three dc's, no sleep, stressed out, no wonder you're all so bad tempered.

Would agree, if you can find some parenting classes, and you can somehow get your dh there...can you somehow make him think it's his own idea?

As Load said.

Do feel for you.

Get some sleep.

Will check back tomorrow.

No ideas, I'm afraid, but can identify with change in behaviour since children. My dh was always prone to occasional tempers, but has got so much worse since dd was born. (She is now 2). He never gets angry with her, but I often feel that I never do anything right. Shouts, sulks, slams doors, refuses to speak to me ... I am constantly tryiing to avoid doing something annoying. It's no way to live.

I have read that having children awakens all sorts of issues about your own childhood. Did dh have a bad childhood? I know mine did, and sometimes it sort of helps to remember this and think that he is probably even more unhappy than I am.

if you can i would suggest a bit of 'time out' from it all yourselves

i do know what its like to be in your situation with the dc

when we recognise that its all becoming a bit too heated, too often we will take a step back fom it and say that its not going anywhere, shouting isn't good, we're upset the dc are upset no one is happy etc so we think of a plan to stick to with the dc we both agree to how we're going to handle things with them and stick to it

i never undermine dp in front of the dc (and vice versa) but if i don't agree with the way he handle's things i will tell him in private, that i think he was unfair/too harsh/shouted too much - you need to communicate if you can with him

SInce the dcs have been born we have had some really serious money problems that he feels is all his fault. His confidence has taken a total dive and I am probably not sympathetic enough but I am angry at the lies re money and totally shit scared.

I have to say we have had a really bad time over the past few years what with money, illness, my depression, bereavement. But instead of pulling together we are fighting and my poor poor dcs are suffering, which makes both of us feel full of absolute guilt.

The problem is when he is in one of his black moods I am terrified that he is hiding something from me and I don't trust him when he says things are fine.

I have mentioned relationship counselling numerous times but he doesn't want to know, I am guessing because of the cost of counselling.

I utterly love the man I married but he is hard to find at the moment.

it does sound like you need some counselling, could you make an appointment to see your gp about it? they may be able to suggest something

if he's lied to you re money then i don't think you need to show symphathy to him on that front,

but low confidence is very hard to build back up do you think if you 'praised' him that he would respond to it?

also does he spend any one on one time with your ds? it might be a good idea for them to bond more so that they get to know each other more

if he's anything like my dp he may recognise something of himself in your ds that reminds him of himself iykwim

ah winterblues

you guys have a lot on your plate

what would it take for you to get over your anger and mistrust?

Might be worth mentioning to him that whenever you shout, people stop hearing what you say. He will only succeed in giving himself a sore throat and a headache.
Don't tell him this when he's losing the plot, though - wait until all is calm and he's having a nice snack or a soothing drink (not alcohol).
Talk to him about behaviour management and mention the 3 most effective techniques - timing, tone of voice and body language (all the time quietly role modelling).
He sounds like he's overwhelmed and just trying harder with behaviour managing techniques that are not working for him.

do you think that your 4 yr old's difficult behaviour is connnected to all the other stuff that's been going on for you recently?

He is overwhelmed as am I. I think we are both desperately unhappy and it is such a shame because we do love each other and our dcs so much yet we are falling apart.

But I take on board what you all say and it is very good advice. Thank you all so much.

I know it sounds like a contradiction but he is one of the gentlest men I have ever known but it is submerged in anger. I think we do have too much on our plates but then so do other people and they seem able to cope. Oh dear we both feel like failures.