SCREAMING - HELP ME PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kidbell]

Hi everyone sorry to bother you with my problems but I am at the end of my tether. I have a 7 year old girl who grew up with the normal problems but I now have a 2 year old devil boy. It started about a year ago - these terrible tantrums - he just wont stop screaming and I dont mean crying I mean earpiercing screaming where he can just be standing in the middle of a room and start I feel I have tried everything from understanding him, asking whats wrong, ignoring him where he then wants to lash out at me or anything in his way to smacking him but nothing seems to be working please help.

My first child was a screamer a stomper and a bad tempered little monster but only in the house never in public. My second child doesnt care where she strops and screams and she also has a thing about the bob machines, depending on my mood, my money or the amount of time i have to linger, i either let her have a go or if she doesnt want to hear that terrible word "no", i snatch her up from the floor and just walk away with her tucked under my arm screaming.
Luckily she seems to get the gist that people are looking and once we are away from the bob type machine she sobers up. I say luckily though as my dd1 once started could go on for hours.
Remember that most mums have days like this, some more than others and it does eventually pass.
Much sympathyx

Fruitbat - I feel the same way as you. What have I done to deserve to be treated so badly by this (occasional) monster!? I'm reasonable, loving, kind, firm, no-nonsense - but don't want to smack and shouting just isn't in my nature. What do you do with an assertive toddler? Well - I'm just learning a combination of ignoring/speaking firmly etc, but I still can't believe how bossy DS is towards me sometimes.

At the moment, his behaviour is adapting from straightforward aggression, to trying out different roles. When he wants to be horrid, he lately tends to announce "I'm Fireman Sam, mummy and you're Dilys". He then proceeds to shout "NO DILYS" at me in answer to the simplest request.

(Where he's got the idea that Fireman Sam should be lording it over Dilys concerns me, too... How has he got this impression of superior/aggressive Sam over submissive/inferior Dilys???)

Anyway, I reckon I'll just ride out the storm. I find that in the supermarket, where the Captain Pugwash ride reigns supreme, bribery works well. A straightforward whisper in the ear of: "I think there's chocolate in the car" in advance of a crisis can often work wonders. (Obviously only to be used sparingly in extreme circumstances).

Thanks so much everyone. Sometimes it just helps telling others. I think I'm in comtrol again, at least until my hormones fail me!

I am trying 'time out on the stairs' at the moment which does seem to help calm him down whilst at home!

I agree his lack of speech is causing him much frustration, paticularly when he appears to understand so much.

Oh well, it's only a phase -I keep repeating it and it does help!

Hi everyone - I can assure you they do grow out of it! My son is 5 now but at 2 was absolutely dreadful with his tantrums, particularly when it came to getting out of the front door! We got through it by giving in a little bit (ie you can walk to the shop at the end of the road but then mummy's pucshing you) and by huge amounts of distraction or leaving him to it. As I was also expecting baby number two I often left him in the lounge to have his tantrum with something like the Tweenies on which always calmed him down. It's pointless trying to talk to them when they're having a tantrum as they're so desperate to retain your attention they just scream even more. We also had a surprise tin full of cheap party-bag toys and if he was good about things like the pushchair and didn't have a tantrum for a day or so he was allowed a little surprise...I also found diet had a huge effect on his tantrums - if he'd had any sugary stuff his behavious would go downhill rapidly an hour or so later so we had to avoid supermarkets as he'd always scream for something rubbish to eat! Don't know if this is any help but it all sorted itself out by his third birthday as he had more interesting things to do like ride a bike and had given up all his baby habits like a cot, nappies etc - this seems to have a good effect on behaviour! Good luck everyone, they will get over it!

My ds was fairly good when out and about, but have to say, that when I was pregnant I made a point of taking the buggy so that if he ever got too much (eg.tired or running off) he would be strapped in. Then he can make all the noise he likes but at least you can get your shopping done. No way would I let him go on the Bob ride if he had tantrummed about it.

Fruitbat - you say you put your 19mth old on the stairs for "time out". How does this work - do you have to stand guard over him? Up till now I have put ds3 (21 mths) in lounge for time out (behind safety gate). He hates it and I would like to try a less distressing way of teaching him self-control. But can't see him staying on the stairs.

Dahlia- GREAT well now i am almost looking forward to the next major paddy!! wait till I tell Dd's dad! your mum is a gem.

Fruitbat - best thing i've found in shops with paddying kids is to firmly walk away and hide! Make sure you can see your child and wait - the shock of your absence is much like the cold water.
my son threw a major wobble one day because i wouldn't buy fish fingers. he threw himself prostrate on the floor kicking and screaming for all he was worth. I told him i was going and marched away to the top of the aisle and hid behind the shelf. A snotty woman said 'is that your child- can't you do something?' 'I am' was my reply. Ds stopped instantly, stood up, panicked yelled for me ; as he saw me he ran to me relieved and all signs of paddy gone in the relief. Sorry to go on- but it worked for me and i still use it now with my imp of a third child.
Good luck.

Just to add to the points about children needing boundaries, which I agree with. A friend of mine expresses it well by saying that his house is not a democracy, it's a benign dictatorship!

Hi all just thought id check back in with you and let you know how we're all doing. My dd is terrific doing so well at school and looking forward to the summer holidays My ds on the other hand is'nt so good things have gone from bad to worse his screaming has been constant and his temper is frightening. On Thursday my sister-in-law and i went shopping to the supermarket ds had an episode going thought the doors of tesco he throw himself on the ground and plunged his head repeatidly on the concrete ground resulting in bruised blood coming to the surface of his forhead, and he draw a crown which as you know makes it all the more harder to deal with because you know everyone will have an opinion already.I could'nt take it anymore i smatched him up from the ground and took him to the doctors then and there to cut a very long story to just a long story the health visitor is coming to see me this week and they are refering my ds to a child psychologist. Im scared of what they might say ,but at the same time i feel as if there must be a reason for his violence and self harming and ofcourse his screaming and i just need to find out what it is, so i can help him it's hart breaking to watch your baby hurt themselves and not be able to stop it and it's scary too. Im so sorry to have bored you all to death but ive not been on line for a while so i had a lot to get off my chest i hope you dont mind.

Kidbell, thats sounds really hard. I really feel for you. A freind of mine had a litlle boy who used to bang his head on the floor , coffe table - whatever he could find and would always look a bit battered and bruised. I think it was out of frustration that he couldn't control really ...also he didn't communicate well which frustrated him too. (he did eventually grow out of it - but I ofetn wonder if there is more to it )
I really admire you for going to the dr and getting some help. Sometimes thats harder than doing nothing. I hope it all works out ok and that you get some support.
Thinking of you..good luck

kidbell don't worry about 'boring' anyone, it helps to talk about your problems and we all know that it's comforting when you discover you're not alone. I'm sorry you're going through all of this with your ds, it sounds very upsetting and I hope it is something he will eventually grow out of. Good luck with the child psychologist appointment and let us know how it goes.

My brother apparantly used to bang his head sometimes making it bleed and nearly always had a huge bruise. He's now nearly 30 and fine - he did just grow out of it. I used to hold my beath (what a family!) and can clearly remember doing it out of frustration. So your ds is not the only one - alhough it probably isn't much comfort so it's great that your going to get some help, I think its just finding the best way to cope with it which is very dificult.
Anyway good luck! It's a very difficult age for most children.

Thank you all so much for you support. Im sorry but its another rant i need to let off steam.Today the health visitor was suppose to come after a week of waiting for the appointment, and the health centre called me 10 minutes before she was due to arrive to let me know that she couldnt make it as something had turned up, maybe its because im so tired and stressed that this has upset me so much but what do you have to do to get HELP. Last Thursday i walked in off the street breaking my heart begging for some help and i was reasured that i was no longer on my own, well where are they ? No wonder parents who find it hard to cope do senceless things not that im at that stage yet but they dont know that. Oh im sorry everyone for moaning again.

Oh kidbell, big cyber hugs, I don't know what else to say, sorry

Ms ds has stopped his screaming but still loves a good tantrum most days. It really gets you down doesn't it?

And now you've got a third party involved and they're not playing ball either, it's a bit poor.

Kidbell, sorry your hv let you down. Can you call them in the morning and insist on speaking to a GP or a HV (don't tell the receptionist) and explain that you really do need to see someone? Maybe they just thought it was a routine check type visit and it didn't matter if it was rearranged. You could also try Homestart who might be able to help.

hi everyone thanks for your ideas and reasurring words yet again . I called on Thursday (hv) and was told to call back on Friday ,i did only to be told (hv) was unavailable again ,asked if i could call back today being Monday but alas no (hv) again ive given up hope it looks like ill just have to sink of swim. Dont get me wrong if its for my kids benifit ill make sure that i am strong enought to cope, sleep or no sleep the support i was looking for was more for me. Just as im writting this ,stuff the health visitor ill go directly through my GP ill let you know how i get on, keep your fingers crossed that they give me an appointment before ds next birthday in January. Bye for now and thanks again

I think Homestart can be very good - and they will give you loads of support (it's really for parents). I have heard good things about it and think it would be very well worth a call, particularly as you are having such a disappointing response from your HV.

Just opening this thread up. I'm interested in the jug of water thing. DS will be four in three months and has developed the most ferocious temper over the last year. I have always been firm and consistent over permitted behaviour but recently he has been driving me completely potty. He has become so aggressive towards me and his baby sister. I have explained clearly over and over again how, hitting, kicking, punching etc is not OK and I have asked him to tell me what I've said (check he has heard me). I am not a smacker, so I've tried every other discipline method I know: removing the victim, time out, withdrawal of a treat, horrible shouting. I even made him lie on the dining room floor yesterday until I said he could get up.
So, I'll be trying the jug of water next time, he hurts his sister, I tell him off and he then screams at me like he is possessed by the devil.
I don't know whether I should be concerned about this increase in bad behaviour or whether it is all part of being a small boy. DS has excellent language skills, so there is no question of him not being able to vocalise his feelings. If anyone else has any views, had similar problems, it would be good to hear them.

Bugsy you're not alone, my son (3.5) is always hurting his little sister - I wonder if its an age thing as both of our children are the same age. It drives me mad as well. You run out of threats don't you. I am in the 'sending him out of the room phase', which means he cries very loudly and slams the door on his way out. But I can't leave him alone with his sister as he always knocks her over, hits her, throws something at her etc etc. When will he grow out of it??

My DS has been the most difficult ever in the past three months or so (he will be 4 in 2 weeks time). Unfortunately we have had poisonous SIL staying with us for the past month and I am still tearful at her endless nasty remarks abut his behaviour (in front of him as well as to me).

He is occassionally v mean to his baby sister but I do feel that I probably unconsciously favour her (because she is so easy) and I wonder whether he has picked up on that. Anyway, I did actually do the jug of water thing on a recent outing and it worked. He was initially outraged and v upset but calmed down remarkably quickly.

Overall, I am very much hoping it is a phase but with my maternity leave starting in under 3 weeks, I will be certainly having a crackdown on his behaviour (at least in terms of my consistency in dealing with it) and I am hoping for some improvement.

I do think it's a small boy thing ( possibly a small girl thing too but since I have no daughters, I can't say from experience)

I know how awful it can be when your child is the stroppy one in company, whether it with adults or other children.

My oldest son aged 3/4 would really play up. He had no younger sibling to hit, but he did hit his friends from time to time if he didn't get his own way or a playfight got out of hand. He just didn't know when to stop and things then got physical. I wondered if he's ever learn the social graces and worried that he'd turn into a bully at school.

All I can say is the opposite happenend. My son has his faults but he is a very nice boy ( usually) in company and makes friends with both adults and children very easily. Despite being a big, chunky boy, he is not a bully or a fighter in school or out of it and is often told how good he is at thinking of others.

If only I had known this would happen 5 years ago, I'd have felt a lot less bad about his stroppyness.

Good to hear its not just my son who is being a horror and encouraging to think he may grow out of this monster behaviour at the moment.
Bells sorry to hear you have been having an awful time with evil SIL - just what you don't need at the end of your pregnancy.
He wasn't so bad yesterday so the jug of water didn't have to appear. I think it is the public humiliation I find hard to cope with. The screaming deamon in the library, simply because he didn't want a particular video afterall. I feel my blood pressure rocket through the roof and I just think what a hateful, spoilt, child and really itch to slap him. Anyhow, I look forward to this phase passing!