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Original poster

Did I do the right thing and what do I do if it happens again today?

68 replies

bignose · 18/12/2008 14:12

My ds is in reception year.When I collected him from school on Tuesday and the teacher told me he had been put on time out.I had a word with him and he explained etc etc.I didnt make a big deal out of it.
I then collected him again yesterday and discvered again that he had been on time out.
The teacher explained that he was bein dilly and not listening.
My ds has never been on time out before and always behaved pretty good most of the time (though he'e not perfect).
I got him home and sent him straight to his room.I went up after a while and asked him to explain,he did and I said he is not going to xmas dancing party that evening and that he would not see santa and get a present.He wasnt that bothered to be honest.
I sent him off to school this a.m with 2 stickers praisin him for everything he did this morning before school.said that if he gets 5 stickers he will be abloe to open a present before xmas day.
Is this an ok thing to do?
WHat the hell do i do if he gets put on time out again today!!!!!!??

OP posts:
gothicmama · 18/12/2008 14:56

perhaps you set him a easily achievable task to reinstate party and santa if he is in time out today then accept it don't add to his pumishment you donot know what has happenned fuly at school If it was me I would question why teacher needs to use time out so often

PinkPoinsettias · 18/12/2008 14:59

wow.... and people think i'm overly strict with dd [shcok]

he's 4 fgs, he's only tiny yet and he was already punished at the time.

he wasn't doing anything deliberately wrong, just being a little boy and tbh i think the teahcer was a little ott to use a time out for 'sillyiness and not listening' in a reception class the week before christmas

i think this is one of those rare times as a parent you really do need to go back on what you said, admit to ds you were being a bit unfair and let him go to the party... such and unfair punishment surely forfeits the 'never go back on what you say' parenting rule?!

your post made me feel so sad for you little boy, he must feel so ganged up on and he probably doesn't even know what he did wrong

BaDaBing · 18/12/2008 15:03

I completely agree she over reacted and you will see from my first post I said she should apologise to him. She behaved badly but does that give you carte blanche to call her a stupid cow? In my opinion, it doesn't. Everyone on this thread feels bad for her ds, including the op, so rather than turn this into the op feeling attacked we should be concentrating on her poor decision and giving her some advice on how to be a better parent.

Your first post was powerful, but you could have made a bigger impact without be so aggressive in your posting style. But hey, BN is a grown up and can stick up for herself so its probably not my place to tell you how to behave toward her.

merryberry · 18/12/2008 15:24

what badabing said. stipd cow and stupid woman are unfair comments on the poster. the rest is fair comment.

blinks · 18/12/2008 15:29

i think the tone of this thread is ridiculous.

OP was a tad OTT and punished unnecessarily.

OP thought twice and came here for some advise which shows she's got her kids best interests at heart.

OP never raised a hand or abused her son in any way so talking of 'blood boiling' and verbal abuse is not appropriate.

OP deserves an apology.

silentnightplease · 18/12/2008 15:45

Just wanted to offer more support for OP.

Isn't that what MN is all about - asking for advice about parenting and getting constructive advice?

When you know you have made a bad parenting choice and you are big enough to admit it, I don;t think being called stupid makes you feel any better.

yes we do all ask for opinions and of course should be prepared to be told we are wrong but why be so nasty?

I hope you are all perfect parents who never get it wrong.

Good luck bignose - hope you make peace with your DS.

MerlinsBeard · 18/12/2008 15:54

it was a HUGE over reaction on the part of the OP but TBH if you take away the swearing and name calling from what CRSEIH said, i agree with that. What happens at school and is punished at school should be the end of it...maybe he loses a sticker off a chart or something but to do ALL THAT as a punishment for not listening is ridiculous. Its the week before xmas, he is 4...there are a billion worse things he could have done.

Did you, if you are being honest with yourself, actually expect ppl to come on and praise you for your heavy handedness?

VirginBoffinMum · 18/12/2008 15:54

Yes, things did get a bit heated in this thread, didn't they.

I personally think it was a bit heavy handed to effectively double the punishment, but we all get it wrong sometimes, and the world doesn't end.

I clipped one of mine around the ear 1950s style for eye rolling at me last week, and then felt so terrible I had to take him out for tea to make up for it and plan out how to avoid getting into this situation again. We're good friends again now.

In my darker parental moments I have taken to watching this hilarious film on YouTube to remind myself how hard it is getting it right all the time. As the lady says, "I am the Mom, the Mom, the Mom".

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kbDs2XNmZos

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 18/12/2008 15:57

Well speaking as someone who was emotionally abused as a child, this struck a harsh note with me.

I am usually the one sticking up for the OP, but not in this instance. I got angry with her tone and even angrier when she said she punished that way because that's what her friend did.

I make no apologies for being harsh in my tone. This is psychological abuse and she needs to know that. This is Mumsnet, we all have kids, we have all come from different backgrounds and we all do have emotions, because we are all human. I'm normally Mrs Reasonable and most of you know that, I don't blow my top. I'm not apologising until she comes back on and says that she has apologised and made it up to her little boy.

PinkPoinsettias · 18/12/2008 15:58

tbf though, she didn't feel she was wrong in her punishment in her op... she asked what to do if her son kept getting time outs but she seemed to feel she'd done the right thing so far.

she asked 'is this an ok thing to do' in relation to the stickers, not the punishment and i certainly got the impression from the op that she seems to be franticaly obsessed with good behaviour and drilling it into her 4 year old that he was naughty.... for being silly

cliffs tone may have been ott but she hasn't said a word that wasn't true.... and i do mean not a word... basing you parenting on what another parent would do is a fairly unintelligent way to behave, especially when it results in a child being punished in such a vindictive manner for such a minor incident.

MerlinsBeard · 18/12/2008 16:00

bignose, skimming a couple of your other threads, it seems to have been a pretty hard year for your DS with one thing or another(your DD is hardly mentioned so i assume its gone over her head),not forgetting that he has just started school. Perhaps take that into consideration when you punish him.

blinks · 18/12/2008 16:26

this boy is hardly being abused CRSEIH.

who gets it right all the time? OP sounds uncertain and confused, maybe lacking in confidence so perhaps verbally abusing her isn't the best way to get your point about 'psychological abuse' across.

she got it wrong... but it's easily put right.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 18/12/2008 17:44

maybe.... but she hasnt told us anything to reassure us she'll be less ridiculously harsh next time.... or maybe think about her parenting strategies and how she wants to be as a parent instead of copying her mate.... has she?.....i'm with cliff.....

nooka · 18/12/2008 17:59

ds got the next punishment along from a Time Out once (I can't remember what it was called), and did get a stern word and no TV that night (possibly that weekend). We also asked school to let us know about his Time Outs (apparently if you get three in a half term you get the next punishment along), so then we got a little slip each time. Mostly they were for really daft things, and a stern word and no TV that evening were enough to reinforce the message from the school. But they are a way for the teacher to manage behaviour, all they require from the parental side is to acknowledge, discuss and reinforce. The OP was very OTT, but I can see why she was concerned as it was two days in a row. The problem is that if you use such large punishments you quickly run out of options if things escalate. I think no party was probably fine, but no Santa (if Santa is a big thing for your child) is extreme. Is the opening the present idea to compensate for not seeing Santa?

Original poster
bignose · 18/12/2008 19:53

You're all such perfect parents on here arent you!!
Is this what you use this site for so you can just be abrupt and have a go at young parents that are learning and trying very hard to be the right parent.I am only 19 and single.Im doing the best that I can and trying to get advice where I can.
Thank you so much

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 18/12/2008 19:56

for something relatively trivial - and honestly it's trivial, he wasn't violent or destructive, backing up the school is the main thing, no further punishment is desperately needed. This half term is long and dark and I think a lot of 4 year olds are getting restless. I would try for a fresh start in the new year. if stickers are a good incentive, then you can always carry on with them.

Original poster
bignose · 18/12/2008 20:03

Isnt that what people do?? Ask friends for advice and try out different things to try and work out the best thing for the child.Are you saying that we mustnt get advice and "copy" our friends with anything!!!??
Sorry to those who were polite an thank you kindly.
Cliffrichard-I suggest you go get some therapy for what has happened to you and Im not entirely sure you are in the right job if you get upset over discipline.Would you have a go at parents at the school you work at if you heard they were discipling in a way that you didnt aprove of.

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 18/12/2008 20:17

maybe bignose has had enough stick for one night and might just need a bit of a push in the right direction for nest time she needs to discipline her ds?

i am sorry i cant give you any advice, my dd is totally wild and unruly, not much works with her.

oneyummymummy · 18/12/2008 20:19

Personally, I don't agree with the punishment. He is a little young to be expected to behave in such a way, but i also completely DISAGREE with the way some of you have posted about this! bignose is obviously after some advice and realises shes done the wrong thing here! mumsnet is supposed to be about support and help for mums and parents, not a place to come for support, advice and help and get ABUSED by other parents! You cannot take out your feelings about what happened to you on others, I can understand why you may have strong feelings about this subject but what you are doing is abusing this young mother!

I think maybe you should talk to your ds, ask him why he's behaving the way he is and see if you can't talk to him to understand why maybe this is happening all the time i.e maybe another child is initiating it but your son is getting caught out for it! Talk to the teacher about what is happening as differences in the way children are 'punished' for different things can be a reason, agree with the tacher a line of punishment that will work for both of you!

And when i say 'punishment' I don't mean any abuse (just incase I get hung draw and quartered too) just things like timeout, sticker charts, losing privelages etc...

Original poster
bignose · 18/12/2008 20:24

Looking back it is obviously harsh and now from the kind supportive comments I am learning alittle more so next time it wont be quite like that.
He did so well at school today and had his class christmas party and santa came to visit with a present!!
He is very excited and eager to get more stickers so he can open a xmas present.He sat nicely at dinner and came out of school beaming that he didnt get put on time out.

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 18/12/2008 20:25

good, he sounds like a lovely little boy

Twiglett · 18/12/2008 20:26

May I suggest something

If you consider that CliffRichard is over-reacting in the same way that you over-reacted to your child over these incidents then you will appreciate how wrong you got this one because of how upset / hurt she has made you.

I think the point you should note is that we all fuck-up .. every single one of us gets it wrong .. we come down too hard, or too soft or mess up .. and then the next time we don't .. that's the point in parenting we learn as we go along

so no biggie, you can make it better, you already started with the stickers this morning .. brush the rest under the carpet and promise yourself you won't do it again (you will but maybe not in such an extreme way)

Twiglett · 18/12/2008 20:27

although the "I'm only 19 and single" comment does not wash .. you're a mum .. you have to do it as well as you can

strive to be good enough .. none of us are perfect

Original poster
bignose · 18/12/2008 20:29

I am striving hense why Im on here getting abused

OP posts:
bronze · 18/12/2008 20:42

Keep at it. Ignore the rubbish and weed out the advice.
The difference is it sounds like you've moved on in a positive way. Shame Cliff can't do the same with you.
You're not the only parent who has ever reacted then wondered if they've done the right thing. I know sometimes I snap get it wrong and have to backtrack and say sorry. We're only human.