*HELP* My 2 year old son refusing to eat dinner EVERY night, until he is put in cot and then asks for dinner, and also waking up thru night and refusing to go back to sleep.....SCREAMS the house down until lifted into our bed.....please help!

[Angiebabes]

My 2 year old has started refusing dinner every night, wont eat and it results in a temper and he is put in his cot, he screams until he realises he actually is hungry and then asks "to eat dinner" but this performance every evening is grinding me down, I should add he eats his food perfectly when he is at his Gran's without the need for a tantrum.

The other issue is that he goes to bed fine, as he has done since he was 4 weeks old, but is now waking anywhere between 1am and 5am, shouting for Daddy or Mummy, and then SCREAMING the house down if we don't lift him, we have tried the techniques of going in re-assuring and leaving, and of re-assuring and staying in room, but he just will not go back to sleep and the minute you leave the room all hell breaks loose....my DH and I are like half shut knives and it is affecting my DH at work, it ends up with DS being lifted into our bed and DH sleeping in spare room, as DS takes over our bed so not enough room for 3!! We cannot let him scream at 3am in morning, we have next door neighbours!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE CAN SOMEONE HELP

Sorry, I should add he is 2 years 10 months almost!

Anyone??????????

Has anything major happened in his life recently?

Feed him more breakfast and more lunch.

do you give him the dinner afterwards or not? if you do then I would stop that.
I would remind him at dinner time that if he doesn't eat then there is nothing until breakfast. but maybe try giving him his main meal at lunchtime so that it impacts less in the evening?

as for the morning thing, well I am prob in a minority here, but I tend to believe that if a child is waking and wanting a parent it is for a reason. if my child needs comforting in the night then I will happily do it. if that means him coming into my bed until morning I will do it.
I strongly believe that a need that is met will evenmtually go by itself. whereas a need that is not met will manifest itself some other way later on.

so, what I am saying is that I would go along with having him in your bed until he is managing to sleep a bit better. then try keeping him in his own bed later down the line

Sittingbull, here are the answers you asked, no problem.

1. where does he eat dinner? is he in a high chair? at the dinner table? in the kitchen? are you eating with him?

He eats at dining table, most nights with us, some nights we eat after he goes to bed. And he sits on dining chair.

1. when he has the "temper" do you put him in his cot? (not clear from your post) or is it after dinner and bath etc, that he is then put in his cot?

when he throws a tantrum during meal we put him in cot, usually within 10 mins he has clamed down and asks for his dinner and its a s if there has been no tantrum!

1. what do you do when he has the "temper"?

We try to reason with him, in a normal calm tone, asking him whats wrong, asking him to eat dinner, and he screams no go to bed! (even though we know there is no tiredness or reasoning except he is trying to call our bluff!)

1. what is your bedtime routine?

He goes to bed at 7pm and as soon as he gets into bed he is usually sound within 5 - 10 mins at most. He always says night to me, kisses and tell me "love you mummy" usually his Daddy that takes him up to bed, has been since he was much younger...just the routine we have got into, so we stuck with that.

LuckyLady........no nothing has changed in his life, still same as it was.

He is overtired. Bring his bedtime and dinner time forward one hour. Make sure he eats enough during the day so that he only needs a light meal before bed. This is pretty normal behaviour at 2 IME.

I appreciate what you are saying thisisyesterday, about the night thing and allowing him into our bed, but surely the more this is done, the more he expects it, its like a vicious circle.
My husband has a job that requires concentration, and right now he is struggling, due to broken sleep.....we cannot keep going like this.

I personally feel that letting him into our bed means he is controlling us, and right now with the food issues, its like he is the boss in the house, that in my view should be our bed, unless of course he was really upset for some reason or ill, I'm not a bad mummy for wanting my son to sleep in his own bed.......am I????

And hope you don't think I'm getting at you, it's nothing personal.

sounds similar to my dc3 when he was 2. Have you thought of him helping you with the cooking?

Basic stuff like pancakes, cracking the eggs, letting him use a handwhisk for the milk, spooning in the flour etc Let him play with some flour while you're cooking the pancakes so he gets to feel positive around the food.

Talk to him all the way through and presume he understands everything you say.

Get him to help you lay the table, ask him what he thinks we need and where everyone is sitting.

Maybe add a candle to the table to make it extra enticing.

Then serve the meal to whole family and praise him like mad, saying how delicious it all is.

Then say after you eat your pancake you can blow out the candle, making it into a ritual.

You try to reason with a 2 year old?

He isn't old enough to begin to grasp the concept of reasoning.

If he isn't eating his dinner before he goes to bed, he is probably waking because he is hungry.

He is too little to know/understand your expectations of how he should behave when he wakes in the night.

Little children change all the time - it is normal.

My dc3 also eats better when all the family are there, if dh is late he sometimes won't eat until his dad is sitting there with him.

I wonder if its a boy tribe thing?

So he is nearly 3?

Sorry But I would be getting tough.

If he does not eat his dinner and tanrums, remove him to quiet area to get it out of his system. then get him to eat his dinner when he as calmed down.

When he wakes up in the middle of the night, put him back to bed, and insist he stays in bed, put lock or baby gate on his door so he could not get out.

Be Tough, and stick with it.

The way you describe his behaviour sounds like he is very bright.

The more you talk to him, the better he will understand, and the reasoning will come from that (eventually)

Have you read faber mazlish 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'? They have their own website that may be worth a look.

My dc3 also did the bed thing, though never when he has stayed at granparents! We made a little sleep book with our own pictures of him getting ready for bed ie. bathtime, getting into pj's,, brushing teeth, story, cuddle, and sleep.

Another good book is 'goodnight moon' too tired myself at tthe moment to remember the author

Angie - sorry to say but is it poss that when you give him his dinner you have a "rabbit in the headlights" look about you? The "OMG if he doesn't eat he won't go to bed" look?

It's not comfy to eat when there is stress and anxiety around the table.

Are you really eating with him at children's teatime? I mean 4.30-5pm? As IMO this is a difficult age and any tiredness at mealtimes would mena that tantrums happen then so I would suggets that anything after 6pm is poss too late for him.

How about trying breakfast at 7ish; lunch at 12 (and make it a big meal meat & 2 veg style?) followed by a sleep; tea at 5pm (something like baked potato & cheese or a bit of pasta). Then playtime from 5-7 including bath book bed.

Sorry if that's what you're doing anyway but it might stop the tantrums at the evening meal - he can have a bit of yours too if he wants while he scampers around the table while you eat.

The night time thing is also typical - try the classic night light/story tape/quiet music? And he may be waking because he's cold so put a pair of tights on him under his pyjamas and a long sleeved vest too.

And it sounds as though he is not getting into your bed. You are putting him there! So somehow you need to be brave and tough it out - if that's what you want to do.

Lots (most) people on here would just tuck their lo in bed with them - but if that's not for you then don't go down that road.

Stay strong, say "night night", click the night light/music/story on, pop his snuggly toy under his arm and walk away. It may take all night for a week but in the end he'll get the message. And if he has a dummy throw them all away!?

Agree with gagarin.

All of ours came into our bed if they woke in the night. It was never a problem.

They all slept happily all night in their own beds by the time they were about 4.

It really depends on your point of view. It wasn't a big deal for us. DH comes from a culture where it is perfectly normal for small children to come into parents bed if they are upset or lonely. We always felt it was better for everyone to be calm and get some sleep, rather than turn it into a battle. But everyone's expectations are different.

Generally though, I think expectations have to be realistic for the age of the child.

Great ideas from Sittingbull!

Hi all

thanks for all the comments, firstly I just wanna say, that we don not have an issue at all with him coming into our bed, but always thought it was the wrong thing to do, as once he gets used to it, it becomes his bedtime routine....and we are not getting enough sleep when he does come into bed, altough a KS bed he tosses and turn so hubby sleeps in spare room.......how long can that go on????

He generally has dinner aound 5.30pm, and does help set the table and be mummy's wee helper, he loves helping and he likes to watch me cook.

Littlefrogs....once he gets over the tantrum at dinner time he does eat his dinner, and then goes to bed happily.

when he stays at my Mums, he eats like a horse, no tantrums and goes to bed without any tantrums and sleeps thru till 8am in the morning....this is why I cannot understand why he does it here.

All of a sudden I feel like a bad Mummy because I would like a full nights sleep and a pleasant mealtime......

Thanks Sittingbull, I really appreciate your help....

We bought him a night light which we set and iggle piggle is on it with the night light glowing and when upsy daisy comes out its time to get up......no joy!

He has a growbag, as he was forever kicking covers off, and his room is at the right temp, so don't think its that.

He does eat well thru the day, and once he calms the temper he does eat his dinner....

He is sound right now and has been since 7.15pm, its around 3am he wakes up, and we don't know why.

It's not that we don't want him in bed, we just didn't want to start bad habits with him, so that he depends on being in our bed every night....which is what seems to be happening.

Thanks again SittingBull, same happened last night, he called out and was brought into our bed, then proceeded for the very first time to say he wanted to go to his own bed, but the minute you lifted him he started screaming!!!

It's like he is playing mind games with us!

As a result I got no sleep at all from 3am, and wonder how long I can run on nightly sleeps of 3 hours.

Will try what you suggested tonight and see if that helps, he is an only child and at this rate that's the way it will stay if Mummy and Daddy cannot have their bed to themselves!!!!

Fingers crossed for a better night tonight.