School expressing concern about ds1's behaviour - what's normal for a 6 year old boy?

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My ds1 LOVES school but sadly I don't think they love him quite so much!

I got called in last week to see the head of year - she is concerned about ds1's behaviour.

She said that in class he is absolutely fine - because he is absorbed in books or tasks. But outside, so in assembly or at playtime, he is fidgety - he won't sit still or play quietly.

I asked her to specify, because to me that sounds quite normal for a 6 yo. Her concerns are:

• he doesn't seem to have any sense of danger, so will throw himself off the climbing frame or climb up stuff he's not meant to climb up;

• he can't seem to understand he's done anything wrong and when they tell him off he won't make eye contact;

• he fidgets constantly in assembly or at lunchtime and won't sit still.

I can recognise all of those elements at home, but I just don't see them as a huge problem. But I had a real feeling she was "angling" for some kind of "diagnosis" of problem behaviour. She says he isn't naughty or disruptive, but he needs constant supervision outside the classroom.

I'd be interested in whether anyone thinks this is normal for a 6 yo or not. On the plus side, he is bright, chatty and sociable. I'm getting very concerned that he's going to lose his enjoyment of school and we'll end up with a real problem. Thanks.

I don't know but i would be concerned if my dc teacher (via HoY or not) said she had some thoughts about behaviour she considers unusual as after all she does have a whole class of 6 yo and unless she is a NQT will have a wide experience of 6yo, so prob has some idea of 'normal' behaviour or not?

All the things you describe can be part of normal behaviour for a 6 year old boy but they also can be indicative of things like ADHD or ASD. I'm not suggesting that your ds has either of these conditions but it sounds to me as if the school are just trying to do the best thing for your ds. Children who do have these conditions benefit hugely from early support and intervention. I think the fact that the head said she doesn't see your ds as naughty shows that her concern for his behaviour is a postive thing.

Well, he is only 6 and it is probably nothing. But if the teacher has flagged up concerns surely there is no harm in going along with a "diagnosis" That way, any issues will be ruled out or catered for. Having fought for diagnosis for 3 years now, I'm really impressed that your teacher is so on the ball.

It sounds quite normal for a 6 yo boy to me. The fact that he can control himself in class would be a good indicator as far as I'm concerned - surely if there was a real problem this wouldn't be the case? He's just letting off steam when he's let out of class.

I'd ask the teacher what she is suggesting she could do to help?

Agree that it does sound normal and quite deal-able with BUT when you're supervising 30 kids this behaviour is going to be undesirable because one child needing 'constant' supervision is hard for school to deal with. Just because it's hard for them doesn't mean it's diagnosably something though. I would watch that SCHOOL'S difficulties aren't being loaded on to your ds.

They may be able to suggest some strategies; there are I think places that sell educational toys for children with all sorts of difficulties, they may be able to get him things designed to focus the minds of fidgety kids. Think I remember seeing something on the internet, a company - might be worth googling 'special needs fidgety' or something similar.

But basically ask the teacher what she is suggesting IMO!

ingles2, what diagnosis have you been given?

With problems like hyperactivity, are children affected hyperactive all the time, or just in certain situations?

TBH, I'm just not sure where its all going. I asked if I should see my GP and she said no we'll just keep an eye on it.

The letting off steam issue is interesting - I'm not sure he gets a chance to do this at all at school. Playtime always sounds very structured, whereas at home we let him play as he wants - and quite often he's happiest sat quietly with a book or playing on the computer.

Just thinking out loud ...

Does his she want him to be assessed by the special needs co-ordinator? I have a six year old boy and these things could relate to him, some of the time, so it's hard to tell. Also what does she want/expect you do about it, you are not in school with him are you? Is it a problem she wants sorting or just a general flag to make you aware? My DS1 won't sit still at playtime, who does, or at tea time, drives me nuts! Also don't freak out about special needs, the spectrum in this subject is ENORMOUS. Good luck. x

we're slightly different to you but we're still not there Problems. Ds2 is 7 and is showing indicators of dyslexia and strong indications of dyscalculia according to tests so far. As far as I'm concerned he has dyscalculia (am not convinced about dyslexia) and it's been pretty obvious to me for 3 yrs.
We had to move schools to get support, so I'm always impressed by schools who are on the case
As I said, it really could be nothing with your ds, he is only 6.
But really there is no harm in investigating. Go and speak to the teacher again and see what she thinks the issue is and what plans she has to help your ds. Good luck

Hasn't mentioned special needs, or suggested we need to do anything, but maybe that's because of his age? ingles2 my nephew is severely dyslexic but got no help till year 5 sadly (though when he got it, it was fantastic).

Thanks all for the advice, maybe I need to have a further convo with her now I've thought about things.

I'd say yes, a further conversation sounds a good idea.

I'd be tempted to pursue this a little myself anyway - to get someone used to making diagnoses of add, adhd etc to see ds and give their professional opinion.

Fwiw, I believe that if a child has problems then they have them in all situations and not just in the playground!

My ds has ADHD and AS. He has problems in all places but the playground is particularly hard for him as its unstructured time. All children are different and although some children with SN will display associated behaviour in all settings others will only display it at school and others will behave at school and then let it all out at home.

Fair enough. My son is autistic and he copes better in unstructured situations than in structured ones, but he's more or less the same everywhere. I can see how everyone'd be different though.

I would agree with others. If the teacher has asked you in she obviously thinks these behaviours are beyond the 'norm'.
My ds is 6 and i think at lunchtimes/playtimes they can get silly. I would be quite concerned if he was putting himself in danger though and didn't understand as i would think most 6 year olds would have a sense of danger.

I think the non eye contact may just be shyness or embarrasment.

What sort of school is it? if it is a school with loads of boisterous kids, where activity and running around is accepted as normal and healthy, I would take the teacher's concerns a bit more seriously and keep an eye. If it is a school with very high academic expectations pre-junior school level I would take it with a very big pinch of salt,tbh. (But still keep an eye and seek furtrher help/advice if you're worried.)

Erm, don't have school age children, but am interested in the phrase "at playtime he wont sit still or play quietly".

Isn't playtime the part of the day where you're supposed to run around, screaming wildly, doing handstands, climbing, swinging upside down by your legs?

And assembly is rather dull.

If he can concentrate in class, and learn, in class, then what is the teacher trying to say?

I would imagine if he doesn't fall off the stuff he climbs, he is well aware of the risk involved (low, for him, an able climber), and why then would he respond well to a telling off?

Odd. It may be that they need to adjust their expectations.

this sounds exactly like my sons, also the climbing everywhere.

theres always one child climbing up the outside of the model ship in teh playground, shouting "Look at me Mummy" while the others are using it in its intended way, and its always one of my sons.

Like yours, my sons also dont disrupt the class.

He is a worry if he has to watched all the time at playtime-the person on duty has a lot of DCs to look after. Does he make eye contact with you if you are telling him things he doesn't want to know?

Have just come back to this - thanks for the advice.

Its a very small school, highly academic, quite traditional and structured (IMO) - I've been surprised at how structured playtime is for example.

If he's being told off or told not to do something, I'd say ds1 does shy from eye contact - I recognise this completely - but its quite selective. So when he's chatting away he does make eye contact and is very sociable. He's apparently very popular at school.

I've spoken to my GP now because I was concerned about ADHD having googled lack of sense of danger, which was my main concern from what HOY said - he thinks he's completely normal because ds1 sat there quietly reading a book for 20 mins (typical tbh) while I was chatting to him. I'd say ds1 is actually very good at concentrating and being focussed on a task he enjoys, but I can see the concern about being impulsive - jumping off things etc.

Oh dear - what to do now ...

Urgghh Problems...
This ...Its a very small school, highly academic, quite traditional and structured (IMO) - I've been surprised at how structured playtime is for example... sounds like the problem to me.
I presume this is a private school. Can I ask why you chose it?

For me there are two separate things:

Firstly, a 6 year old should have the ability to sit still, in an asembley, at the table, etc. Also a 6 year old should be able to play without needing to be constantly supervised.

But you said that playtime is very structured. In what way? Because if the school has certain expectations even of play time then there's a chance even the most well-behaved child would not be able to live up to those?

Yes, private - we live out in the sticks and the only other school we could've gone for is rumoured to be under threat of closure. So this one or a 12 mile drive each way to get to another school we liked.

On the plus side, its a very caring environment - I mean there was no suggestion from the HOY that he was in trouble or seen as naughty. I think they're really trying to help. But they do have high expectations, maybe too high for a 6 yo. Really worried now we made the wrong choice for him. Great school but not great for him?

WannaBe, they have to play in certain areas of the playground on a rota basis and from what I've seen a lot of it is adult led eg not just "you've got 15 mins to run around on the field" but more " here is your 15 mins on the field, Mrs X will organise you into teams to run races."

He can play on his own or with friends at home without being supervised, but she's saying definitely not at school.

I think that you might have to accept that it is not the school for him. Highly academic and structured is not for every DC. I wouldn't think of moving mid year, but it would be worth looking around for alternatives.

Oh- as i suspected. I would take that as carte blanch to completely ignore the teacher, tbh. Small academic traditional schools (dare I say it, usually private) are, anecdotally at least, very prone to exaggerate the problems of normally lively little children in the way that schools who have to take whoever walks through the door rarely do, ime. The structured playtime sounds awful... Sounds like they have some good points too but it's a shame there don't seem to be many other choices locally.

My dd is very happy there, but she is a different character completely. Actually in fairness ds1 is happy there too, but from the discussion last week I wondered if he would find the structure too much if he can't conform.

Village school isn't likely to be here in 2-3 years time and will apparently be merged with a failing school some miles away. There are some fantastic state schools in the district but we'd need to move and therefore remortgage big time to get in.

I've booked to see the HOY again next week, see how we go. Ta for all the views.