Anyone who knows about highly sensitive children or behaviourists.

[milkysallgone]

I recently posted my concerns about dd's behaviour and had some very helpful replies. One in particular recommended 'The Highly Sensitive Child' to me and I am half way through. It has been useful and I recognise many of the traits in both dc's.

I still feel rather isolated in terms of the way dd reacts in the presence of 'strangers' (anyone who isn't family). I have collected her from nursery every week for 2 years now and her over-the-top, wild behaviour seems to be getting more and more exaggerated recently. I know she only behaves this way as a way of dealing with self consciousness but she must come across as being totally hyperactive!

A friend has just been over with her younger dd, and dd spent most of the time bouncing off the walls, shouting and being verbally aggressive. She calms down evetually but it's as if she can't help it and cannot deal with people being here.

She is not like this at all otherwise. Has high concentration levels, is generally polite, plays qiuetly/nicely etc; the usual strops but is just a normal 3yr old.

The book seems to focus on the 'skirt hugging' tendancies of hscs, and although she sometimes acts like this when we're out she tends to cover up her shyness with extreme manicness. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I've felt a lot more postively recently but don't know how to approach this behaviour.

bump

Noone?

I am feeling quite guilty about the fact that I am starting to arrange to do things when she is at nursery .

Hi, my dd also behaves in a challenging way but can also be a sweetheart (voluntary please and thank you at 3.5, for example) and I think your analysis of the mania to cover shyness is interesting. I'm tempted to say try a HV but..... well, I know there are good HV, but not in our area . What do the nursery say? These people i.e. the owners (rant alert) make a lot of money out of the childcare business. They are supposed of offer special needs advice. Mind you, the SENCo at my daughter's place is an old witch and I doubt she has done anything more than the most perfunctory training, or at least that is my best explanation for her use of in appropriate language when I try to talk to her about my DD . What's your GP like? Are you in a big town/city? Ours offers some behaviour clinics via Children's Services. I am umming and ahhhing about approaching them as I am not keen to have her "labelled" as trouble so early in life. I didn't see your post so I don't know what other ideas you got. Have you had her hearing tested? Other than than (and this is a bit of negative post from me, sorry but I wanted you to get a reply), just my empathies!!

Sorry for the errors - tis late, I am ranting and this is an emotive subject for me

Is your dd a only child and are you her only carer? (there's a purpose to this, I'm not being nosey)

Hi mamaberta - yes part of me is wondering if this is something we should be seeking help over. I'm sure others think she is just being naughty when she behaves this way, but this is 100% triggered by an awkwardness when on the company of other people.

Nursery have never had a bad word to say about her. She mostly loves it but still isn't great at going in i.e most children walk up the stairs alone but she insists I go up with her and clowns around as she knows staff are watching. She behaves well there and has friends, but will not speak/sing as part of a group.
Never had cause to think she has trouble hearing.

Phantom - she has 2yr old db and her father works full time. I am at home full time but she does 4 nursery sessions. Why?

My ds used to be like this, it's because he saw his home as his turf so to speak. I'm a single mum and we normally go out to see friends so he was not use to having people in the house invading his teritory. He did grow out of it.

I was recommended a good book called 'the unwritten rules of friendship' which is a social skills book for children. It really did help but he was older when we used it (8). Some kids just need help with this because it doesn't come as naturally to them.

Interesting phantom. I'm not particularly sociable and don't have too many friends here, so we don't have visitors a lot.

How did you deal with it when your ds was acting this way? Clinginess I can cope with but this is just so mortifying!

I have a lovely, understanding neighbour who would come round for coffee and back me up when I was trying to calm him down and get him to sit. It took a while for him to get to grips with the fact that she had come to see him too.

Have you tried giving her jobs to do? If you make her useful then she may not have time to get overexcited. Always warn her before someone comes to visit. Emphasise the fact that they have come to see her and integrate her into your conversation when appropriate. Try this and see how it goes.

Thank you for your advice, it's encouraging to hear from someone who has been through it .

You have my deepest sympathy. It's hard as a parent as you want the earth to open up and swallow you whole! There are lots of things you can try, I'll pop this on threads I'm watching so you can let me know how things go.

Your best bet is to find a understanding friend with the patience of a saint.

Hi Milkysallgone. I've looked at your thread with interest as I've just ordered the Highly sensitive child book after googling 'sensitive child.'
DD is nearly 3 and is the light of my life. However, I've often found taking her into social situations a challenge and whilst she's much easier at home, there are issues here too.
At home, she dislikes me leaving her and will follow me round. She doesn't like me to change my appearance, so gets distraught if I have my hair up or even wet.
In social situations, she's so finely attuned to the tiny nuances around her, it's sometimes excruciating to watch. Things that her friends take in their stride, she'll panic about and then cry and work herself up into a state.
The strange thing is she behaves so differently depending on the situation. At pre-school, she took time to settle and still spends a lot of time weighing up the environment, yet if we go to the toy shop, she heads straight for the toy piano and sings her lungs out regardless of who's watching. Having said that, if anyone said 'Hello' to her there, she'd immediately hang her head.
If anyone recognises anything I've described I'd love to hear back.

My ds1 can be oh so sensitive sometimes, he is 3.5 now. Has been this way for about a year now, ds2 is now a year old so I often put his sensitivity down to the change in home life, and him no longer being the only one. He gets very upset at the slightest thing sometimes, like me putting cutlery down inthe wrong place for breakfast, or when I (try to) sing, he gets so terribly upset. IT is much worse when he is tired, and can sometimes be distracted, or an incentive to avoid a difficult situation. I am assuming it is normal pre-school behaviour, but can't be quite sure.

Hi Ruthyn, I recognise what you say about the cutlery. I do feel that that her behaviour is to do with her age, but then I don't see her friends being as tense and frustrated as she often is, and they get by on a lot less sleep than she does! Luckily she has a good bedtime routine and sleeps really well.

I think you'll both find the book very interesting . I have to say it has frustrated me a little because although dd meets a lot of the descriptions of an hsc there isn't much mention (so far) of chidren reacting to sensitivity in an aggressive way, and I am struggling with this.

Puffling - i recognise a lot of what you say. My DD is 3.3, I get the same clinginess, same reaction to hair up (never heard of this one from anyone else before, gave up on my hair about 18 months ago as she would just howl). Everyone at nursery thinks she is an angel as she behaves perfectly, does everything she is asked, whereas it is a very different story at home - she's definitely spunky if not spirited according to the Kurcinka book. I've not thought about it in terms of sensitivity - interesting viewpoint.

Major concern at the moment about whether she may actually be selectively mute - Speech therapist starting to assess her, she's been at nursery for a year and hardly ever says a word, goes quiet as we approach and creeps up the stairs like a snail, yet chats away at home and seems to really enjoy nursery from what she and staff say afterwards.

We have a lot of problems when adults and/ or kids visit, easier for us to visit. She can become aggressive like you describe milky - I was mortified recently when she hit a boy, never seen that before, but she seems to be getting a bit better if we give lots of warning and reward her like crazy for every time she doesn't shout "go away" or cry and for anything even approaching a bit of sharing. It seems to be working, but I'm more worried about the silence at nursery and what this might mean for school if we don't sort it now.

Milkysallgone, I'm quite sure I was one of those to recommend the 'Highly sensitive child' book to you. I don't remember it including much about reacting in an aggressive way, but I think that is likely to be just a different manifestation of the same root cause.

My sensitive child is 5.5 now, and when I think back of basically everything up to about 3.5 or 4years old with her, I want to cry just a little bit. It was so hard. If I could go back and give myself advice, it would be to RELAX. I know it sounds glib and easy, but a sensitive child is, obviously, sensitive to their mums' emotions and reactions. I am no psychologist, but I would recommend that you just keep giving all the love and affection that she craves, don't give up. The other thing is, it is not quite as unusual as we all seem to think. I remember feeling so isolated, and wishing to myself that she would just be 'normal' but now I have seen other children act in a similar way. She also used to not speak at pre-school, she would not even use the loo there...

As I mentioned, my 5.5 year old now surprises me endlessly. She begs to join classes (I would never have believed you if you had predicted this 2 years ago) like ice-skating and gymnastics and football, she is apparently 'animated and sweet' at school, has many friends and all my friends comment about how they cannot even recognise her as the same girl of 2-3 years ago.

But more importantly, I hope you are wiser than me, and recognise how special your child is. I do now, but it took several years before I realised that she is actually much 'better' than normal, she is incredible. She shows thoughtfulness that one would not imagine possible in such a young child. Appreciate your special little one, I think these sensitive children can make a huge, possitive difference in the world.

Your dd is very fortunate to have a mum who is trying to help her be her best, without forcing it on her. Just love her through this tough time, and perhaps, if you can, consider consulting a recommended child psychologist. No idea how to find a good one though (which is why I never consulted one regarding my DD, but perhaps you know of someone?).

jamsandwich, my DD also used to not speak at preschool, and had all sorts of other 'issues' eg would not wash her hands, do art, have her photo taken, the list is endless. She then got a teacher who just hugged her all the time, and made other plans eg gave her a wipe for her hands, had mum take the photo when it was needed etc, and within 6 months she was happy to join in with everything (this was around 4). I think she really didn't like to be made to do things (although she is not particularly stubborn), and having someone who understood her and allowed her these small victories/decisions really helped her. When she no longer HAD TO do everything, she was happy to do it.

As you already know that your DD can speak well, perhaps she could just be allowed to be quiet, but not ignored for a couple of months. She may chose to speak when there is not so much (perceived) pressure on her to do so?

LittleMiss - that's really great to hear and brought a tear, you're right, these are very wonderful traits if we can just step back and appreciate them. Did you do anything in particular to help your DD get to where she is now? I'm particularly interested in the talking side of things - was starting proper school the trigger?

Jamsandwich, we're in the USA at the moment (one more month, then back in London!), so she only just started proper main-stream school in September, they start a year later here (I was worried again about the change, but it was absolutely fine, no problems).

No, the real change came with a combination of things. It may be any/all of the following - she was getting a bit older - 3.5, she started a new preschool (not at all a 'good' school, but an almost ridiculously LOVING environment) where the teacher was crazy about her, and was happy for her to just be herself. If that meant that she chose to just watch others do art, that was fine. Her teacher let her chose things she wanted to do (Montessori, so easier for that) and she often did the same thing every day of the week, and she could answer questions with a nod if she wanted and was never made to feel that was impolite or inadequate. She loved being read to, so they did plenty of that too. Reading the Highly Sensitive Child book made such a difference in my attitude, I stopped trying to change her to be like other children, and rejoiced when she made progress and tried something new, but not too big a fuss either.

For example, she knows that she can try a class or activity out before she makes a decision, but also knows that once we sign up, she is committed. She just loves the control I think. As I said earlier, she is so thoughtful, as you wiser mums would probably expect of a sensitive child, and she is very very sensitive to any disappointment I feel in her. When I stopped wanting her to 'perform' according to the norm, she blossomed. This is so embarressing to admit. I am just glad that as least I didn't ruin her little life by continuing to always expecting her to be boring old normal! My youngest is not at all sensitive (of course not boring to me either), and the contrast is fascinating.

My DD also needs plenty of sleep, 12 hours a night at age 5.5

is it simplistic and not politically correct to say she is probably just showing off?

Thing is Colditz, often these children appear to be just stubborn or showing off or rude, but my DD was/is definitely none of those in private or with close friends, it was strange, out of character behaviour away from home/me, and it was really hard to watch her be so anxious. Also, the sensitivity issue includes many many things, amongst others noise, scratchy clothes, change in food or appearances etc. Most people have some aspects of a sensitive person in them, but when you have one of these children, the pattern just fits. It's different, really, it is!

Hi milky, my ds1 is an HSC. But I discovered about a year ago that he is at the extreme end and he has now been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. He is 5 now and we have struggled with the wild behavior you are talking about. It comes on when he gets overstimulated and can be very trying. Last year he held it together during school and then completely lost it after coming home. Occupational Therapy has helped a lot but strangely he can be better at home and then lose it at school The general theory is that he is more comfortable at school, so less holding in but then more behavior problems b/c of sensory issues Had a long note from his teacher on Tuesday about it.

One thing that helps a lot at home is the indoor hammock swing that we installed. The vestibular sensation really calms him down. I also have a mini-trampoline for him. Once you finish the Highly Sensitive Child (an excellent book btw) I would suggest having a look at The Out of Sync Child.

Oh, another good one is Raising Your Spirited Child. If you;re like me you will soon have a small library dedicated to this topic, lol.

better at home "now" i.e. after OT