Campaign of Non-violent non-cooperation started in our house re DS#2 in the style of Mahatma Ghandi

[OrmIrian]

I've posted about my impossible child before. Won't compromise. Won't listen to reason. Give him an inch and he takes the M5. DH and and I are worn out and even his doting grandpa is beginning to look a little tired of him.

So starting on Tuesday DH and I have been starting a new regime. No (more) shouting - it doesn't work. No argument - he does what he is told or he is made to do it. No compromise - he seems to take that as a sign of us giving in. No prevarication - he does it now.

Bloody hell it's hard work. And I feel like such a bully. Hating every minute of it . Please wish us luck. We had to do something for his sake as well as our sanity, and for the sake of his older well-behaved siblings.

Good luck. Will be watching your progress as I am getting a bit fed up with our DS.

How do you do it then, when you say he is made to do it? I have so many arguments with DS at the moment about putting his coat on.

And drawing on furniture.

We pick him up and move him if that is appropriate. Or force him to do it. Or put him in his room. Simply don't engage in debate. It's awful. But I think we've had to accept it's not just a phase anymore. And he can be good as gold at school.

Sounds familiar. I think we were too lenient with him in comparison with his big sister, him being the baby and we are definitely paying the price now.

When we are out with him everyone says how lovely he is but he can be a right stubborn bugger at home.

Just tried your tactics on him when he was arguing with me. It worked

Good ! We can be Victorian parents together then.

I don't think we were more lenient on him. I was never 'strict' as such with any of ours. But the older two didn't need us to be. They were different, more amenable reasonable characters. Trying the same on DS#2 has proved disastrous.

A few weeks ago I realised that I was afraid of spending time with him as it was such hard work all the time I took him out on Saturday on his own to try and spend some special one-to-one time with him (works with the other 2 when they are going through difficult patches) and it was hell! I ended up having a mini-meltdown in a cafe. Shaking with rage. Not good.

Good luck Orm

I too have a Difficult Child

Just one thing - you will have done this already I'll bet - hearing check just in case ?

[squeeze]

Remind us how old he is? I'm sure I've seen and sympathised with your other threads...

He's 5.

I expect you have gramamticus. I'ev posted enough of them

Oooh, I was just about to post about my very stubborn 6 year old, and ask for advice on how to get him to do as he's told without tantrums, 'deals' being made, and me losing the plot. I will have to try your silent but deadly approach.

We have huge coat battles too Mme Lindt, and I'll bet my life that they don't argue with the teacher about wearing their coats at break time!

I never argue about coats. if they don't want to wear it, fine! I am also not shouting, using 123 a lot, doing much more preparation before things happen - eg we are going to do this, how should we behave etc, with a clear reward for good behaviour, lots of praise etc
I feel a lot calmer, I have to say.

I really think advance preparation is key. It makes all the difference with my children.

Yes it does help mabanana. And the times of most stress are always those when time is an issue - ie school run, bedtime so organisation is a must. But DS#2 can still argue black is white. For example. Monday morning 5mins late to leave the house for school - DS still had no shoes on.

Mummy: "DS come and get your shoes on."

Third time DS comes.

DS "I want to sit on here to put them on" Sitting on arm of sofa.
Me: "OK. Sit down then."
DS: "Actually, no I want to sit over there'"
Me "OK, sit there then'! DS moves.
DS "No..sofa." DS gets up again...
Me: "JUST SIT DOWN DS WE ARE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"
DS:" But I wanted to sit there..."
Me: "I don't care. We are late!"
DS"Let me get the cushion to sit on then."
Me "NO! Sit down."

We both leave for school upset.

So it makes sense to me now to tell him where to sit and make him do it. But it goes sadly against the grain. It feels like sweating the petty stuff but I don't see that there is any choice

BTW I totally agree about coats. Up to him. He will put it on when he gets cold.

Oh, I could have written that post a few months ago with MY ds2 (who is almost 5). We did a bit of zero tolerance boot camp with him over the summer - but I did start feeling a bit uncomfortable about it tbh as we had to hold him in time out to make him stay there. But, something seems to have worked as he is much much better now. I suspect it is starting school - he is absolutely loving it. I think perhaps he was bored at home and just trying to generate some excitement

Just read your post about the shoes - god yse he does sound like ds2. Argues and argues really just for the sake of it - he thrives on any sort of interaction. I agree that its all too easy to get sucked in.
I've started just walking away now. He hates being left on his own

I have found re getting ready for school, if I just tell him I'm going and just start to walk out, he soon gets going!

re shoes, nightmare. I know. Makes me absolutely see red. Um, maybe tomorrow shoes go on in the morning at breakfast time, well before you have to leave teh house so all you have to do last minute it get him to the door carrying coat if necessary. Also maybe, sit NOW, 1...2....3... (I have never had a plan of what to do on 3 btw!) or OK, I have a timer here, can you get your shoes on by the time it rings - you have one minute!! Quick!!
I think he is pissing you about for fun and to see how far the control goes and you are right not to go with this nonsense any longer. I think offering one choice is nice and fair but any more is just bloody annoying!

Yes, walking away does help if you have enough time. Definitely. Also prepare him in hte morning by saying, today you can't mess me about. If I ask you to sit and do somethinng I expect you to do it first time. If you do, then you will be able to have a chocolate button on the way to school (if you do this sort of thing).

mabanana - DH does the 1,2,3 thing. When I try to do it I don't have the same conviction and DS can see through me so I don't. Beleive me if it wasn't shoes it would be something else

I let him got to school without cleaning his teeth today . He wouldn't hurry up and finish his apple. We ran out of time so we went to school without. Surprisingly DS was upset. Weird as usually I have to make him clean them. Maybe that's good sign.

My ds sounds similar too. He is also 5. He wants everything 100% his way. We have had the shoe issue, or teeth, or all clothes in fact. I often used to revv the car engine in the mornings and he would appear screaming in just underwear. I started putting his clothes and shoes in the car and he would get dressed once we arrived at school. Now we have moved and walk to school so I can;t do that any more, but I have been known to be halfway down the road with him wailing in the doorway. After a few days of that I find he usually gets dressed quickly.

I try to let things go but it depends on my mood I have to say. I try to see him in a different way sometimes, and he is funny, I have to admit. At the moment he's got an aversion to wearing long trousers. He wants shorts for school. I won't let him so he goes with his trousers tucked into his socks, like plus fours. He really couldn;t give a monkeys, which is why he doesn;t care about pleasing mummy at all I suppose!

My ds is 4.8 and has been a right pita since he started full time school a few weeks ago so will read this thread with interest

(in fact I was posting on a thread about this earlier today)

That is famaliar sprout.

He is funny and bright and cute. So I am told He doesn't give a stuff what anyone thinks which I'd applaud if it didn't also make him so awkward. He's been out many a time in a tiger costume, and run around on all fours being a dog (in fact spent months as a dog now I come to think of it). But what was cute and amusing in a 3 yr old isn't quite so when you're 5 and at school.

Yes, with my ds2 a lot is about wanting control. And then the rest of it is about really not minding having a screaming fit with you about it - in fact quite getting off on the heightened emotional tension!! (whereas my ds1 HATES us being cross with him so will behave to avoid it)

I do let him have control as much as possible. And try to just set the end point (i.e. you must be dressed before breakfast - or no breakfast - but how/where/in what is up to you).

Orm I think we should get our boys together and watch sparks fly!

My ds was an orangutan for a few days once. He went around on all fours with his hands turned under and everything. He went everywhere like that. After a while people started asking me if there was something wrong with him.

I do think it depends a lot on how you view these strong minded little people. When I'm with my mum and dad, for example, I just feel like I've completely failed in my attemts to raise ds - he is just plain naughty in their view. But I have a friend who loves to have ds over to play - she thinks he is charming and funny and loves is incessant chat and that he knows his own mind. He told her she had better close the car window or she might die. She thought that was great, but grandma would say that was cheeky.

My ds2 is bright and funny and very very charming too. He's also not very considerate.

I predict he will go far in life

"I do think it depends a lot on how you view these strong minded little people"

I quite agree. My parents loved it when he was a little character but now they are struggling. There comes a point when you just have to expect them to comply for everyone's sake. I don't want to crush his individuality but he is dictating to everyone else. Our lives have started to revolve around him a bit too much.