New Baby - Reassurance Requested

[MrR]

Ok, so I'm not technically a mum so apologies for coming onto this site. My wife and I had our first baby last week

So, far our life is a living hell. The baby rarely settles and won't eat properly (the dropping weight is being monitored closely by midwife, and confuses us as DS is constantly feeding from my wife (dozen+ times a day) and is filling nappies as expected). Both my wife and I are absolute zombies and at the end of our tether.

I've seen a few threads on here saying that things will improve - I'm afraid I have a few questions;

1. any idea when things might improve, if only so we can get more than a couple of hours sleep?
2. do things really improve, or do parents simply adapt?
3. has anyone else considered putting their newborn up for adoption - if so, does this feeling pass?

My wife and I could really do with some reassurance/helpful advice.

Thanks for any help.

things may not improve for a while! some babies find it very hard to adjust to life outsidethe womb.
think of it from their view, they've been snuggled up inside for 9 months. warm, close to mummy, constant noise and movement,
once they're out we tend to expect them to lay still, quiet, not being moved or snuggled and it can be really hard!

my top tip would be to get a sling. it made my life with my very miserable second child wonderful, and stopped him being so miserable!
www.sasaslings.co.uk are very, very helpful and hire stuff out so you can try before you buy. (I would recommend a moby)

things do improve, but you adapt as well. you get used to the sleep deprivation eventually, or at least, you find ways of dealing with it.

and yes, I absoltuely considered putting ds2 up for adoption!!! am glad I didn't though because he is lovely now, hehe.

as for the feeding, has your wife seen a breastfeeding counsellor????

dads are very welcome!

the first 6 weeks are v v v difficult and there are some advice line telephone numbers on this very good site

the lack of sleep is hideous

try swaddling your baby or using a sling

sleep WHENEVER the baby does and ignore housework etc

Well done for posting. Everything you describe is v common - most babies lose weight from their birthweight then regain it. Was baby especially bug? They can lose a lot and then they sort of find their own growth line.

You need to rest and take care of each other. Buy loads of frozen dinners. Get mums / friends to do cleaning. You don't both have to get up for baby - you sleep in a different room one night, then on the alternate night you can change baby and bring him to your wife for feeding so she can get as much sleep as possible on that night. My baby didn't sleep much until 12 weeks but others settle earlier. We had huge rows due to lack of sleep, but 8 weeks in we were closer than ever before. Also I think we had adapted to lack of sleep before baby actually began to sleep in big chunks.

Loads of good advice will flood in here- and have a quick look at the breast feeding threads and the post natal threads for people going through similar things.

Hello there, and don't apologise! Congratulations on your new baby. I remember the feelings you are describing well! To answer your questions (from my experience anyway, I've got a dd who's nearly 3):

1. over the next few weeks I would say - remember to try to catch some sleep when the baby does drop off even during the day; just nap as much as you can, and only do (round the house) what is absolutely necessary. A new baby is HARD WORK, which you have more than likely already noticed;
2. yes, things really really do improve, I promise!
3. yes, the feeling does pass...I didn't really consider the adoption route myself but running away really fast as far as I could presented itself to my addled brain a couple of times

It will pass - your baby is so so little still and they're adjusting to their new surroundings.

I the baby actually feeding or just suckling onto its mum? Can you hear or see any swallowing to show that they are actually taking milk on board? Sometimes they just like to suckle for comfort.

Babies do lose weight in the first week or so and can often take a while to regain their birth weight.

Babies tend to sleep most of time still at this stage (although it probably doesn't seem like this to you at the moment) but do wake for feeds. With both of mine, they'd wake, start feeding and often drift back off to sleep again after a few minutes. You'll just have to go with the flow for the first weeks, I'm afraid.

Can you try to tag-team to help eachother get some sleep? ie. not both be up all the time at the same time.

It's a tough time, but it is normal - very normal and yes! it will get better.

PS didn't consider putting baby up for adoption but did consider walking in front of a (fairly slow-moving) car so i could go into hospital BY MYSELF and get some sleep

MrR, really feel for you. We had rough time with ds at first but it really does get better plus you do adjust a bit to it all. What I'd say is do as little as poss that doesn't directly involve the baby. Do you have friends or family members that can help around the house, do a bit of shopping etc? Me and dp rota lay-ins and time off in the early weeks and still do actually. When baby does settle try to get some sleep no matter what time of day. Try to make sure you get out every day, even a walk around the block.
Set yourselves achievable goals every day, in the first week the only thing I did that wasn't washing bottles and dressing baby was to shower and dress. That's it, no cleaning, microwave meals for dinner and that was it. The next week I would set a goal to leave the house for half an hour with ds. Then to hoover twice a week, then to polish twice a week and so on. It all does fall into place.
All the negative feelings and resentment is normal and it does pass. I had some horrible thoughts go through my mind in the first few weeks.
When crying got really bad, I got a cup of tea and went into the garden and shut the door, just to have a minute and I'll bet others have done it too.

OK, here's the limited help I can offer. It all sounds very normal to me. Having your first newborn around is a HUGE culture shock. It really really really does get better.

The dropping weight - quite common in the first week or two. So long as he's feeding and nappies are being filled then he's taking food in. Give him at least 3 weeks then ask to see GP.

When you say settle, do you mean settle on his own? Some babies are really quite shocked and traumatised by the transition from womb to world. I found it helped in terms of staying calm, developing empathy etc, to try and see things from bubs perspective. You could try baby wearing - this literally means popping them in a sling so they are close to you all the time while you get on.

Cuddle cuddle cuddle, don't put him down at all, snuggle on the bed with him, let the world pass you by for a week or so while you all adapt. Lying in is sooooo important and all to often gets missed these days. We didn't do it with ds1 and deeply regret it having made a point of doing it with ds2.

Co-sleep, take it in turns to sleep, do whatever it takes at this point to get through each day.

The feeling of wanting your old life back does fade, but I think most parents look back with nostalgia, but really the amazing joy they bring you really is worth the struggles of the first few weeks.

Timelines - well most people seem to find the first 6 weeks or so the most challenging. By then both parents and bub have generally got a handle on one another and worked out routines/rituals that make day to day life easier.

Keep at it, it really is worth it. It sounds twee but they are this tiny for such a short amount of time, cherish him, keep him close and allow yourselves to bond.

This probably wasn't too coherent but hopefully thats helped at little.

(((((((((familyR)))))))))))) (thats a big hug for you all by the way )

Well done for posting and welcome - hopefully we will all get to know MrsR at some point

Has you wife had a chance to rest properly after the birth? I found that after being awake labouring for 26 hours and then BFing DD I never actually caught up on my sleep in the first place.

Get some help in. Can a grandparent support your Wife on Friday nights so you can rest. That will mean you can then do all day Saturday and she can sleep between feeds?

First of all congratulations!!

Regarding the feeding has anybody actually checked the latch? LO could well be attached to your wife more or less permanently but not actually getting a lot of milk. Ask your mw to check, or to suggest a local bf councillor or group.

Realistically things do take a while to pan out into any predictable pattern (I hate the word routine!). Some people find books are useful to help with this, but if you go down that route read it all with a pinch of salt and decide which bits suit you and your family (if any!) I found bits of the baby whisperer were useful at helping me decipher what ds1 wanted (unfortunately I didn't read it until he was 16 weeks old!) Sleep wise, I think you do adapt to having less sleep than you did pre-child, but you will certainly get more than you are just now in the not too distant future, in the meantime you both need to rest whenever you get the chance.

I certainly can relate to the wanting to have ds1 put up for adoption feeling and will happily admit to asking myself "what have we done????" on many occasions! It's all very normal when your lives are suddenly turned upside down by this tiny little helpless bundle. It des get easier, and the first smiles, gurgles, giggles etc are well worth the wait.

1. Things will get better eventually, but don't get yourself tied up with deadlines and milestones. All babies are different (how many times have you heard this?!). But for the next few weeks it will be tough, and I think it's easiest to accept that if you can

2. Things do improve but you will also get better at dealing with things and you'll also learn tricks to help you survive.

3. I think people with newborns consider all manner of crazy stuff because it's an immense shock to have your life totally turned upside down overnight by a tiny pink blob.

Dropping weight is normal. To the extent that my MWs didn't even weigh DS until day 10 - if feeding well (and regularly) and producing lots of wet and dirty nappies that's all the evidence you need. Your wife is doing brilliantly and it's perfect to be feeding so frequently - this is baby's way of stimulating a nice big milk supply and will ease over the next couple of weeks.

I think after a week the first wave of total exhaustion definitely hits you and of course you wonder what on earth you've got yourself into and it's all been a big mistake etc. But hang on in there because it all passes.

I definitely agree that a sling is great for unsettled babies - helps with comfort and winding and sleep and all sorts. A wrap like a Kari-Me or Moby would be ideal.

In the meantime it's all about survival so call in favours - get people to cook for you, take the baby out in the pram for an hour so you guys can get washed/have a nap/eat, do your laundry, whatever. DO NOT do anything unnecessary - no housework, no shopping, no visits, no unwanted guests in your home - batten down the hatches and reduce everything to the bare minimum of effort. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "I only have 45 minutes, it's not worth having a nap" because it is VITAL to have the nap, it all adds up, and let's face it, you won't wake up feeling worse!

Mumsnet is here and will offer you any amount of support so keep coming back whenever you're struggling. They held my hand through this, they'll hold yours too!

This is the time of your life that feels like the longest ever. My DD was like your DS, she really struggled adapting to life outside the womb and we both struggled with adapting to life with a baby. It will get gradually easier as you all get used to each other.

1. I found it really hard to sleep when baby slept, I had a very non sleepy newborn and when she did finally drop off I was so wired and convinced I needed to tidy up that I couldn't unwind. Also I used those times to eat, wee and shower! But even if you can't sleep, please make sure you rest. One thing I regret is that I wish I had just co-slept with DD instead of feeling like I was being naughty whenever I gave up and put her in with me because the midwife had said not to. The first time she slept more than two hours aged 7 weeks, I actually poked her because I thought something was wrong with her. After 4 hours sleep there was me and DH peering into her cot trying to make out if she was ok such was our disbelief!

2. Things do really improve, honestly and you do adapt alittle. Make sure you treat yourselves as well as your new baby.

3. I will always remember one night after walking up and down my living room for what seemed like hours trying to keep up the jiggly walk to try and calm screaming DD that I burst into tears and decided that she would really just be better off without me as I was obviously doing such a crap job and I didn't have PND or anything. I would have sold my soul for some sleep, there are just some times when it gets to you.

It's the weirdest time of all, I think. I remember sitting on the loo, exhausted, at about 3am in the morning. I was so, so, so tired I couldn't bring myself to move from the loo. I think I may have nodded off there for a while.

I remember looking at out the window that night, convinced that there were strange, shadowy shapes dancing around my neighbour's car. To this day, 2 years later, I distinctly remember thinking that things must be bad to be hallucinating from lack of sleep.

Like your DS, my DS was a guzzler and would feed constantly. He lost weight too. I think our biggest problem was that I'd heard about people talking about routines and sleeping through the night and I thought that DS would do this too. No one mentioned that newborns do not do routine at all.

It's just such a shock, I think, to spend 9 months of pregnancy thinking that the baby will adapt to fit your life, and that things will continue as usual. It so doesn't!

1. You will sleep again, but every baby is different. For us things got better at about 12 weeks.
2. It just gets better all the time, really. But you do adapt as well.
3. Yes. I think we all do. And yes, it does pass. I'm even pregnant with number 2 (must be mad!)

Good luck, get MrsR on here!

One sentence get the book BABY WHISPERER by TRACY HOGG WITH MELINDA BLAU. I found it invaluable. Use the bits that suit YOU.
Get family only to come around if they are willing to cook or clean. okay 2.

please don't buy the baby whisperer.

it is NOT breastfeeding friendly, and probably won't help a lot.
ditch the books.
your baby knows what he needs. just follow his cues

Have you thought about using a Dummy,sometimes babies don't need to "feed" but want to "comfort suck".Nothing wrong with this,if you are happy to oblige but using a Dummy sometimes gives you a break.

Definitely try "swaddling" works well for alot of babies.Once they feel "secure" and they aren't flinging their limbs about uncontrollably,they settle better and sleep for longer periods.

If the baby sleeps longer,when he wakes he might take a longer feed,and then settle for longer the next time he is sleepy.

This time flies by,but feels like forever at the time.

Ah your first experience of conflicting advice! Just to add to the confusion, dummies not recommended until 4 weeks for BF babies but swaddling worked well for us!

you've had lots of advice MrR...just want to echo about getting your wife on here as well.

We are a lovely bunch on the November postnatal chat thread, and all going through it at the same time. she is more than welcome to come on and say Hi and talk to some like minded zombies mums

Link to November PN thread

Never considered the adoption route as babies, but I'd happily give my 6.5 year old DS away

If the considering adoption bit isn't tongue-in-cheek, and if it's your dw's idea, keep an eye on her. I felt the same way for the first few months, and I had pnd quite badly, I suspect. But it's probably not, this early on, just baby blues! Good luck with it all.

I would second the "Baby Whisperer".She may not be "BF friendly" in some peoples opinion,but it helps to feel that you are "in control" and you don't feel so overwhelmed when you are "following" some advice.I agree,just take out bits that make sense to you.Don't follow anything religiously,just adapt it to your own needs.

Tracey Hogg "teaches" you how to follow your baby's cues,and more importantly how to recognise them and understand them.

You will see alot of people for and against these books,but used with a sensible realistic attitude that your baby may not respond exactly to everything,all babies are different,they can't do any harm,and actually may help alot.

Thank you Sawyer64. I didn't want to get into a tizzy about it. But she help me calm down. I was so nutty at first that I had a constant go at my Mum. So much so that she went to Canada for 6 months. It gave me a rough idea what to look out for re sleep etc.. and general tips.

We had this with our daughter - our one saving grace for the first 10 weeks was a fisherprice swing - best £90 we ever ever spent!

Starbear,I found her brilliant for my DD1,everything I read and did she responded to,especially the SsssHhhh !!! DD2 seemed to agree with some of her techniques but not others.

Didn't have anything like these books for DS(nearly 13 yrs ago)I'm a real fan of them,as long as you don't tie yourself in knots with them!

Don't use anything now as he is 4 years old and can speak for himself and tell me. My lovely DH was very good as well during the day but crap at night. So I didn't wake him up and he let me have naps during the day.

First Child Hell

Nothing can quite prepare you for it.

I was so tired that I thought I was dying.

You don't have to do everything. If people visit assume they will make the tea! and do the washing up and the ironing and the vacuuming and washing and filling teh car with petrol and the shopping.

As someone else said you don't have to both get up. Come to an agreement dependent on your and your Wife's sleeping pattern. My Dh And I did: Me early morning Him late at night. I would get up at 4 ish and he would go to bed at 2ish. There were arguments between 2 & 4. If DD needed feeding after I was asleep Dh would latch her on while I was asleep ( I am not sure that this advisable but it worked for us). We did the same for DS.

And Yet again I am going to advocate the smelly milk stained shirt tucked up in bed with baby. It seemed to settle dd & ds.

Final piece of advice..... tell your wife she is beautiful, even if she looks as if she has been dragged her through the hedge.