New Baby - Reassurance Requested

[MrR]

Ok, so I'm not technically a mum so apologies for coming onto this site. My wife and I had our first baby last week

So, far our life is a living hell. The baby rarely settles and won't eat properly (the dropping weight is being monitored closely by midwife, and confuses us as DS is constantly feeding from my wife (dozen+ times a day) and is filling nappies as expected). Both my wife and I are absolute zombies and at the end of our tether.

I've seen a few threads on here saying that things will improve - I'm afraid I have a few questions;

1. any idea when things might improve, if only so we can get more than a couple of hours sleep?
2. do things really improve, or do parents simply adapt?
3. has anyone else considered putting their newborn up for adoption - if so, does this feeling pass?

My wife and I could really do with some reassurance/helpful advice.

Thanks for any help.

Yes it does get better but I can't tell you when! Every baby is totally different. Some sleep very well but are horrendous in the daytime like my ds. It all depends on your own baby and your own coping techniques whih by the way you will develop!

Yes i really did consider putting my ds into social services care for a good few months. I knew I would never actually do it but I certainly WISHED I could. I actually considered puttin ghim on ebay and I am not joking. I hated being around him, he cried all the time he was awake and I never knew what was wrong with him. I felt sick everytime he cried.

I gave in, accepted that I was in a living hell (and cursed all my friends who never told me how bad it all was). I wore him in a Kari-Me sling and tried to just get on with things. I cried a lot for the first few weeks, I felt so mixed up and so disappointed with this little baby we had planned so much.

Hang in there, you and your wife will get through this. It's only been a week. You don't even knopw this little person yet. In my experience it took me a few weeks of getting to know him and understand him before I really felt like I had bonded with him.

It does get easier. My ds is 15 months old now and I wouldn't swap him for the world (most days anyway ).

MrR, Big hugs to you! You must be having it so tough to consider giving up baby for adoption... There's been many a times that DH and I wonder what we have done and it's crazy, you almost wish the bay back in your womb for some peace and quiet! There are challenges with every stage of the baby's development but the first 4 months were pure hell for me. My DS cried nonstop, bf-ing failed for me so I was really depressed, and I was suddenly stuck in the house with nowhere to go and more importantly, nowhere I could get to with a screaming baby in tow. Not to mention DS was a slow smiler as well (didn't really smile till 4 months, that little bugger monkey!

To answer your questions:

1. People used to tell me to sleep when baby sleeps but I didn't. I got on the internet, did housework etc and was just exhausted! Now, if I feel I need it, I have the morning nap with my DS and feel more able to cope with the day ahead (DS is 9 months btw).
2. Things do really improve AND parents adapt. They get so much easier when they feed less, sleep in a rough routine and you understand their personality so you know why they are crying and react accordingly. But you also adapt your lifestyle. My DS won't sleep in a pushchair so I plan my day around his rough schedule. It's easier now he's older as he is able to stay awake longer and miss naps if he needs to without screaming the house down.
3. I didn't consider putting him up for adoption. I did wish him back into my womb and wondered seriously why DH and I wanted a baby so badly when he was so disruptive to our lives!

DS is now the cheekiest little person you've ever met and I love him to death. We still have bad days (when he is ill, teething or just plain bad!) but generally, most days are good now.

Nothing can prepare you for the dramatic life change of your first child. It is hell - and feels like it will never improve.

Sleep - you must catch any sleep you can whever you can. Ignore the house, visitors, etc. If you can catch 20 minutes sleep at any time of day, do it. And I talk from massive sleep deprivation......

Things do improve, but I also think the main thing is adapting and accepting that this little person has tuyrned your life upside down. Ds3 is 10 weeks and he is waaaaay worse at night than ds1 - way way worse. However, I feel good if tired despite getting up 5 times in the night last night and being up to start the day at 5:45 with ds2. I accept that little people are like this and this is how it is. The accepting part is the biggest hurdle to overcome imo.

And as for adoption....it doesn't just apply to newborns Anyone want a cheeky 6 year old and a whining 3 year old? My 10 week old is a piece of cake compared to them!!!!!!

I really feel for you. I rememeber just how hideous and horrific it is with your first born. Accept any help you can - never be too proud.

And EVERYONE has been there - they are bloody liars if they say they haven't.

Keep posting!

Hi there angel!!! So glad things are so good with you now. We'll have to email some more pics of our more grown up ds' it would be great to hear from you!

All of what angel says is true, of couse it depends on the personality of your son as to how quick things calm down. We were lumbered blessed with rather challenging babies that cried a lot and needed a lot of carrying, cuddling, wouldn't go in pushchair/ carseat kind of babies but even we are seeing how good things are now compared to the early days.

You will adapt and get to know your little one and it WILL fall into place evetually and things do calm down. He won't need to be fed 12 times a day forever, he will sleep and he will settle.

Also remember to make time for eachother. Easier said than done but just little things like making eachother a drink or maybe compliment your wife as Angifaran says, just tell her she's doing well when she calms or feeds the baby, it will boost her confidence no end and you will both need to lean on eachother.

Dads more than welcome.

Reading your post and some of the responses has actually made me cry as it has brought back just how awful those first few weeks are.

Our DD is now 10 months old. Its a gets an awful lot better, she is now (usually) a joy and we get a full nights sleep. Our only "complaint" now it having to get up early every day, about 630am (I miss lying in until 10am ....

Seriously though the first 2 months were terrible for us. Our DD cried every waking moment and being as though she rarely slept, that was a lot. We would hold her for an hour at a time throughout the night and set the alarm for the other one to come down after an hour to take over, she wouldnt sleep unless held. I sometimes now wonder whether we should have been "stricter" as most nights we only had 3 hours sleep but until 6 weeks they are just too little. Far too little to leave to whimper (I might feel different the second time round)

I echo the sling idea and taking turns, one night on one night off is helpful (more difficult for your wife of course).

Everyone told us that 6 weeks would see an improvement, and I think thats true for most parents but it probably took 2 to 3 months for us. I just dont want you to feel bad if nothing magical changes at 6 weeks, although I am sure it will.

You are doing brilliantly and everything that you say is normal. I used to cry and say that I can understand why people left newborns at the hospital (which considering my dad was "given away" took some saying)

All the posts here are so encouraging!
I hope MrR comes back to see all your good advice.

I am sitting here 41 weeks + 1 day, with a little tear in my eye because even though I want this baby more than anything, it is such a scary thing to be doing. I can only imagine how DH's and my life will change in the next few days.

Well done to Mr and Mrs R, and I hope we get to hear how they are all getting on.

I love mumsnet.

I should have said I am 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and just waiting!

Your baby is only a few days old and has been through a big shock. They are in a nice warm place where everything is familiar and then they go through hours of hearing a lot of unfamiliar noises, they are forced to move and then suddenly they are in this strange new place and they find it all a bit unsettling.

All your baby needs is cuddles, a clean bum and as many feeds as they want.

Sleep when the baby sleeps as much as possible, take it in turns to watch the baby and then the other have a sleep, a bath, a walk round the garden, etc.

Don't wish this time away, before you know it they are at school and too old for cuddles.

I am sure you are joking about adoption so i will leave that.

MrR it does all sound so familiar. I would agree with everyone else to get a good sling (wraps are by far the most comfortable and are v easy to use once you get the hang of them) and to wear your baby as much as you need to. Ignore any feelings of guilt or people saying that you need to put them down/let them self settle-it is perfectly normal for babies not to do these things until much later.

Can your wife feed lying down yet? Encourage her to learn how to do this asap, it makes such a difference. When ds woke lots at night I used to just have him next to me and not having to get in and out of bed or sit up to feed made a huge difference to how rested I felt. And don't worry about making a rod for your own back, you won't!

Things do get better, how long it takes depends on the baby I'm afraid (dd it was 8 weeks, ds it was 5 months!)but don't worry, small things will get easier each day. You also do adapt.

I found it best for me if I did all the nightfeeds/settling and let dh sleep then if ds was unsettled after say 5am I could hand him over to dh knowing that his sleep had been fairly uninterrupted until then. If he was really unsettled (11pm-4am one night I can remember) I'd wake dh to help me though rather than trying to do it all myself-I think that night I did 2 hours then dh did 2.5 then I fed ds again and miraculously he actually went to sleep! That is just what worked for us though, you'll find your own solution that you both feel most happy with.

I don't remember considering adoption but I did scream at ds that I wished I'd never had him once when he wouldn't stop crying.

I HATED the babywhisperer but lots of people do seem to find it useful. If you do get it then please ignore her feeding advice(at least for now), weight loss in newborns is normal but if your wife does have any supply issues then feeding to a 3 hour routine will not help her milk supply at all. Most newborns need to feed little and often and this is how milk supply is increased.

Keep posting to let us know how things are going

And you might find this hard to believe but there are many of us reading this thread feeling nostalgic for when ours were tiny babies! It can feel like hell at the time but it really does fly by (in retrospect!)

I am another supporter of the baby whisperer - though admittedly I didn't bother looking at the feeding advice as I didn't get the book until DD was a few weeks old. The thing that I found useful was the EASY routine which helped me understand what DD needed. (Its the idea that babies Eat then have Activity, then Sleep and then there is You-time while they sleep)

But that might be something you want think about in a few weeks. In the meantime I would recommend one of these

baby swing

My two LOVED ours. Take care and let us know how you get on

Yes thats so true I am already nostalgic for when DD was tiny but I think you forget the hard bits (which is a good thing).

Other tiny babies always look so peaceful though, whereas my DD always screamed!

Thank you all for your kind words of advice.

It was my wife (MrsRigby) who recommended that I log onto this site and I've found it really useful. My wife would like to post to the November newborns thread but is so exhausted that she hasn't had a chance.

DS is feeding constantly but doesn't seem to put on any weight. It is really frustrating.

My wife is so exhausted, both mentally and physically, that I really wish I could help more - but besides producing breastmilk myself I think I'm doing everything I can for her.

Don't worry about me telling my wife she looks beautiful - I do this every day anyway simply because its true.

I hope we can turn the corner soon, hopefully DS will finally start putting on weight and sleeping more so my wife can begin to have a slight break and regain her composure. My biggest fear is that she will suffer with full blown PND as I hate to see her suffer....any links to good PND discussion threads would be appreciated.

MrR you sound lovely and like you are really taking care of your wife!

this thread has lots on coping with a new baby and pnd, and also links to other threads. It is quite a read though! Hopefully someone else will be able to link you to some more concise threads!

Hang on in there folks, it will get better, I promise

Erm your not my husband!

But seriously my advice would be different from others here.
I would look to nudge the baby into a routine. By 12 weeks our DD was in a cot in her own room. DP used to wake her around midnight to give her a bottle and change her nappy. Then she would sleep through to 6ish. She was never breastfed and so DP was able to help with her routine from the start.

Hello, I am not your typical anti routine mumsnet mum but I think that at 1 week old its too early to start a routine?

Isn't the advice just to go with the baby for at least 6 weeks? Even a certain book (which I am not "against" but am not sure whether I am allowed to mention it on here?) says that the first few weeks are impossible routine wise.

Our DD was in her (own shaped) routine by 5 months, in regard to eating, milk and sleeping. I think that maybe 3 months is a good time to start a routine, but what do I know .. !

Just think 1 week is very early, escpeially with a baby that is not putting weight on.

Changing to ff would NOT suddenly mean the baby started to put on weight or start sleeping through, and I feel your post seems to suggest this Eleanor

ElenorRigby I think suggesting a routine for a BF baby under 2 weeks old with possible weight issues [disclaimer - I say "possible", weight loss is often totally normal] is really stupid. Sorry.

A baby of this age shouldn't really have to be put in a routine. Their needs change on a daily basis. Growth spurts around 3-4 weeks then 6 weeks, 12 weeks etc mean that they need feeding on demand in my opinion. My ds was not in any routine at all but still slept through 10-12 hours at night at 10 weeks because he was fed when hungry and allowed to sleep when he needed in the day. I was lucky yes but bottle feeding and routines are not really the way to go yet. My ds wasn't in any daytime routine til about 7 months!

I see the Continuum concept nazis are out if force...

FFS I was talking about nudging a baby into a routine over the first 3 months.

and yes breastfeeding, co sleeping and carry baby around all the time does not work for everyone

imo its pretty serious situation to even consider having a child adopted, so what you are doing isnt working consider the alternatives

LOL at people suggesting bfing on demand being continuum concept nazis

I love MN

"I see the Continuum concept nazis are out if force..."

There's always a nazi lurking somewhere in this place [rolls eyes]

Elenor, NOTHING works when they're this small and everything's new, FGS.

Continuum concept extends far beyond what has been suggested in the last few posts, so I am confused about its relevance.

We have no reason to assume this woman's BFing is anything but successful so far, and as her husband has so far mentioned nothing about her wanting to stop BFing I think advice which may effectively sabotage it should definitely be challenged.

Their baby is a few days old. I think giving anyone with a child that young the impression that things will be better if you force a routine upon them is totally ridiculous. It obviously worked for your baby, but these people don't have your baby. The best advice is given with the knowledge that if they can survive this next few weeks they will be able to parent in the way they wish. The worst advice is that which does not support the choice of the parents - which, in this case, has been to breastfeed. When Mr or MrsR come on and post about their wish to stop BFing then your advice may become more appropriate.

I think you should research exactly what the continuum concept actually is Elenor. Certainly was not something I followed, never co-slept, had no choice but to carry my baby around all day but that was what my baby needed, not something I insisted on. Nice likening us to nazis though, very open minded and liberal of you .

A colleague of mine's wife was advised to bf. It didnt suit her (his wife) and wanted to change becuase she was exhausted with the relentless routine. My colleague looked on helpless at his exhausted wife. When she finallly had had enough the baby would not take milk from a bottle. It was months before my collegues wife was able to get the baby off the breast onto to a cup by then she was at her witsend.

MrR be aware that people whose doctrine is breastfeeding, co sleeping etc will demean in a variety of ways anyone who dares to suggest otherwise.
If breasfeeding is a problem for your wife and child, if its not suiting you all, dump it or anything else that is not working.