The difficulties in coping with being a mum for the first time...

[Bzza]

I fear I may be an impostor on this site as I am not actually a mum - I am a dad.

I am writing this because my wife has benefited massively from this site over the last 12 months, and now having become a mum for the first time she is suffering some of the harsh realities that come with being a mum rather than being pregnant.

My wonderful wife has been so focused on being pregnant and so focused on the labour that not a lot of thought was given to the hard work that would follow.

My wife is having some rather big lows, and feels she isn?t emotionally coping with it all.

Problems include sleeping patterns of out 1 week old son, right and wrong things to do with breast feeding, what to do when he cries etc. As a result, feelings of helpless, feeling lost and feeling like the old life was better are coming to the fore.

If anyone can share with me any ideas on how I can best support my wife, what I should say to her etc that would be much appreciated

Is this common? Does it help to point to it happening else where?

Yours,

A loving husband

This is very commom and normal! Not only are her hormones all over the place, she will be exhausted and nothing can prepare you for your first child.

It will get better and easier. Just be there for her (as you are doing) and give it some time.

If it's any comfort, I used to dissolve into tears everytime my DH walked through the door after DD1 was born, wailing that I'd not even had chance for a shower or washed up 'cause the baby was so demanding. By 3 months though, baby and me had it sorted and I'd be out of the door dressed and showered reasy for a stroll.

One small tip - tell you wife to sleep when the baby sleeps and sod the washing-up during the day! It's the only way to keep sane in the early days.
Good luck

Firstly, congratulations.

All sounds perfectly common to me so don't worry too much on that score.

It takes a while to find your feet and that is very hard to do when tired and hormonal.

I personally found it best to cuddle the baby when they cried and held onto mine for as long as possible each day and fed them if they cried at that early stage. I'm sure you will find what suits both of you best.

My dh was fantastic, very supportive with breast feeding (bringing drinks, doing all housework so i could just relax and feed, preparing food etc.) and generally just did as much as he could.

It is SUCH early days for you, I remember the bewilderment and shock well, but it does get better as you gain in confidence.

HTH.

Couldn't let you go unanswered, although I don't have much advice!

Common -YES- can only speak for myself but I'm sure many others will be along in a moment to agree! All totally normal imo, extremely overwhelming at the time though.

Do as much as you can around the house, she shouldn't need to think about anything other than feeding herself and baby, and getting some sleep. Your wee booy will not know night from day so she just needs to grab sleep when she can. You could take him out a long walk in the pram while she sleeps? Ban visitors for her!!

Breastfeeding - most of my feelings of not coping stemmed from this - get the bf-ing helpline no's to hand and call if necessary, they are vg - will try to link!

Sorry - rushing - will think of more! You are a good soul to even be asking!!

HI, it is all very daunting when you become a mum, you are totally unprepared for the emotions you feel and all of a sudden you have a helpless child to care for who cannot tell you what they need or want. Just being there and supporting her will help, dont criticise or tell her to do it this way or that way, grandparent, ie yours and your wife's parents may give conflicting advice but at the end of the day its your child and sometimes it can be a bit of trial and error. Sleep is a big need and it may be an idea to take turns with the night feeds. When your son cries just try different things, sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong, it doesnt make you a bad parents if you get it wrong first it just makes you a learner!!! reassurance and support from you is a must and if all else fails a chat with the health visitor might help,

hope this helps, Donna

Hi Bzza

This is very, very common! I spent the first few weeks of DS's life in a complete state, crying a lot. It is normal and it does get better -- promise. Your baby is brand new to the world and it will take him a little while to settle in to his new surroundings.

I think the number one thing you can do is make her rest -- send her to bed with the baby and make her stay there! She should sleep when the baby sleeps and forget about making cups of tea for visitors etc. If you have relatives locally then get them to cook a meal and bring it round for you.

The first few weeks really are just about survival. The fog will clear soon though and it will all start to seem normal -- not how things used to be, you will never get your old life back, but you will have a wonderful new life.

Nothing could have prepared me for having a baby! I felt like I had been run over by a truck and didn't cope at all well.

Keep telling her she's doing well and the more help she gets the better. I hired a post natal doula after having my second baby and really wish I'd done that first time around.

Congratualtions, BTW.

get a sling

babies need a lot less stimulation than you think - a feed, nappy change and a burp is all they need before they need another sleep

a week old has no sleep pattern so it can be a huge shock - swaddling for daytime naps was a lifesaver as well as a dummy

let her rest as much as possible and feed to build her supply

here

firstly it is very common to feel like this, but it's also worth keeping an eye out for signs of PND.

are you still at home with her or gone back to work?

At this stage the best thing you can do is take over the housework/meals etc and encourage her to concentrate on sleeping and feeding the baby. Especially sleeping during the day if/when the baby sleeps.

She needs to be eating/drinking reasonably well (especially drinking plenty if she is breastfeeding). Frozen/convinience foods can be a life saver (the healthier kind - soups/smoothies, and a proper cooked meal once a day).

As regards to the breastfeeding - are you still under the midwife or on to the HV now? Ask them if there are any support groups locally.

There is also the laLeche league helpline for breastfeeding support
0845 120 2918

and the NCT run one too on Breastfeeding Line - 0300 330 0771.

Keep visitors to a level she is happy with - field calls if necessary.

IS she close to a family member or a certain friend to also offer help and support?

Remember to tell her she is doing well alot, and that you think she is brilliant
That can help.

And make sure you don't take on too many other commitments either and also get time to spend with your newborn.

I'd second what all the others have said. It will get easier. I felt utterly lost forthe first 6 weeks. I was sure I had made a mistake but things got better and easier.
In the meantime, do all the practical housey stuff, do the burping and nappy changing if she is bfing and fend off the visitors. Have at least the first 2 weeks to yourselves and after that, take it slowly.

All teh best to you both. And congratulations. Becoming a parent is hard, but being one is fantastic.

What your wife is feeling is perfectly perfectly normal! DS is 2 now but I can remember those early days when me and DH were stumbling around not having a clue what to do with him.

Also, although I was very protective of DS and obviously loved him - I spent the first few weeks being very resentful of how this little bundle had affected my life (i.e. not just being able to go out when we wanted etc) - it is such a dramatic change to your life that it is natural to 'mourn' your old life.

If your wife hasn't already joined the post-natal thread for November babies (although am thinking maybe she has if she has been using this website throughout her pg), perhaps she would benefit from that and seeing that other people are in the same situation.

Well firstly, she has you and you are sensitive to her and what she is going through so that is a very good start.

I felt exactly the same when my first baby arrived, I had been in a job I enjoyed and did well, I had a good pregnancy, textbook birth.. and then my world came crashing down. It is very very hard being suddenly in charge of a newborn when you dont actually know what you are doing, and everyone seems to feel very strongly that you should be doing it a certain way. I have huge sympathy.

If I had my time again I would : not try and achieve anything else apart from mothering for at least 6 weeks if this is in anyway possible. (Second time round I moved my mum in!) Any help with tidying washing cooking etc etc needs to be grabbed with both hands, it is hard enough without trying to be perfect housewife as well.

Get as much help with breast feeding as possible, ie contact the local breast feeding group and go to it, and get on mumsnet and ask and keep asking. You will get lots of good advice and also well needed sympathy. Breast feeding is often tricky at the start and it does come right but you need to hang in there and get help if you are getting sore.

Personally I would have been sooo much happier if I had the strength to have gone with my gut instinct, hold the baby if they cry, feed them whenever they seem to want it, let them sort their own sleep out, it does come right in the end I promise. I think she is having a pretty normal reaction to what is a huge life changing event, but of course keep an eye on whether you think she is getting very down. Exhaustion, tears and yellow food (for me not her!) pretty much summed up the first month of our DD1's life, but it did get easier remarkably quickly. Good luck.

Lower the standards of your eating if you usually have fresh food every day. We always do, but in the first few weeks we got through a few pre-packs I can tell you!

My local Breastfeeding Network were fab. It's not only for advice, you can just go and have a cup of tea. Is there one near you?

I also found a big tub of Brewer's Yeast (basically B vitamins) was great. I just necked them all the time. Great for hormones.

Seem to have lost original message. Just going to go and find it and see if there's anything else I can add....

Oh, don't worry too much about any kind of patterns at this stage - they might not develop for some time yet!

Someone else said it first: It's about survival.

Whatever you feel you need to do, just DO IT. Ignore anyone telling you you're making rods for your back, ignore any suggestions of your baby developing "bad habits", all that matters is that you get through this first few weeks.

Your wife needs rest, patience and support. I was a total lunatic for weeks and weeks after DS was born, my poor partner didn't know what to make of me. But just giving lots of reassurance and comfort is what's needed. And don't forget that although you may have a full day's work to do, your wife won't be getting a minute's peace so you will find yourself having to contribute much more to the unkeep of the house for the next few weeks. It's a really tough time for you all so take every moment of spare time to get rest and look after each other.

At that stage I think I really appreciated the baby being taken out in the pram for an hour or so while I had a wash or a nap. It's important because your wife's suddenly become a docking station for a small person and the sudden loss of any sort of personal space can be hard to deal with.

And remember the mantra: it will pass!

Hi Bzza,

Is there ANYONE (anyone at all!) who can provide your wife with ANY sort of help? My mum (who lives overseas) offered to come but I don't really get on with her so I said no. My inlaws helped by cooking occasionally etc (but not enough!). I also got rid of the cleaner that comes once a week, thinking that I was going to be home 24/7 and now I laugh at the me then. How naive was I?!!!!!

On hindsight, I would have gotten ANY help I could get. I would have kept the cleaner (even increase her hours!) and have had my mum as a slave... In my culture, you can employ someone called a confinement nanny who will come and live with you for the first month of your baby's life. The baby sleeps in her room and she will bring him to you when he needs feeding. She also does light housework and cooking. I always thought people who have a confinement nannies are suckers and I wanted to bond with my baby (not have someone else take care of him!). But now I think I am so stupid as it was me that needed the help more than baby! I really suffered the first four months of my son's life and I deeply regret that. If I had more support, I believe I would have more success bf-ing and generally not feeling s*!

The good news is my DS is now almost 9 months and now I look back and I cannot believe how tough the first few months were. Everyone tells you it changes your life but no one really tells you how c* your first few months will be. The idea of a post-natal doula is a great idea. I almost did but I couldn't find one who was available at short notice. Are your or your wife's parents nearby? Her friends? Call and get them to help in any way they can. Bring food, put a load of washing in, carry the baby etc... I found it hardest after all the initial visitors went after the first few weeks and I felt so isolated! Best of luck. I used to just think a month in advance - i.e. when I get to the second month, the baby will be able to do this and that...

And yes, I still have a nap when my DS has his morning nap and I do feel so much better for it!

Ax

Ah yes, it's perfectly acceptable to have toast for 3 meals a day (or, if breastfeeding, 6 meals a day ... in my case anyway )

Yes, I was told I was making a rod for my own back by holding dd to much as a newborn and (gasp) co-sleeping with her by several 'well meaning' people.

At 6, she appears to be able to go to bed by herself and last the day without sitting on my knee all the time.

Keep feeding her.

Be home whenever you can.

Do as much housework as you can manage.

Slings are brilliant.

Everything everyone else has said.

Comforting the baby (as long as not tired, hungry dirty, too hot, too cold) - swaddling helps. One baby manual recommends it ALL the time until 3 months. We just did it at night. A sling helps comfort and get the baby to sleep for naps.

EVERYONE feels lost.

Oh, and one thing that is a little whispered secret amongst my friends and I: it's ok to think really horrible things. For the first few months I couldn't get in a car without thinking how better to protect the baby if a car crashed in to us, what to do if that perfectly innocent dog attacked us etc etc etc. ALl my friends have secretly confessed to the same thing. We all felt like weirdos but it seems to be a completely normal part of becoming a mum which no one talks about.

Oh. And one of the many things my wonderful DH did was to take the baby for 20 minutes every morning so I could have a shower and get dressed. SOme people feel like staying in their PJs at this point but I didn't. I felt much better, up and dressed. And also to take the baby from me as soon as he came home from work so I could pee/ have a cup of tea - all the little things I'd been dying to do all afternoon.

It's not common: it's NORMAL!

Let your other half cry too! I know blokes don't understand tears properly, but for women they are a coping mechanism. If she cries for her old life & cries for the panic she's feeling in the new life she will feel better and more able to cope - just hold her & let her get it all out.

Have you a local sure start near you? I went to my local one just to see hv but they run a baby cafe along with it, i now go every week to see adults. i found just going for a walk by myself for 30mins helped massivly with hormones and my stress levels.

I too didnt really think about what to do when the baby arrived when i was pregnant (strange i know we'd been trying for a year!!) tell her to keep going and if she manages to leave the house once a day with clean knickers on its a aheivement!!!!

no one can prepare you for the first few weeks of a new born.

Could you take on the lions share of the housework (or hire a cleaner) for the first 2 months whilst breastfeeding is established? That would make be a massive help.

Second the tip about taking the baby out for an hour so your wife could have a bath etc. in peace.

It does get better (promise) but it does take a while to find your feet as a new parent.

In my experience (not much) the first few months are dreadful. Lack of sleep, lack of confidence and so much conflicting advice. I tried to drag myself out as much as possible, it puts a lot of problems in perspective when you're not staring at the four walls. I also tried to go to baby clubs where there were mothers with older children as well, they're much more relaxed and you don't get that competitive stuff and you can get some more realistic advice. You sound like you're being very supportive, but obviously things like housework and cooking the tea I found more helpful than 'advice'. People tell you to forget the housework, but it's depressing sitting in a mess.

My only advice is to do whatever works to settle the baby, lots of feeds and cuddles.

I found the first 12 weeks or so totally overwhelming, baby wouldn't sleep in Moses basket, only slept on me or DH. I never knew if she was hungry, or tired, or too hot or cold or just wanted a cuddle - found it all overwhelming to be honest.

What helped for me was having someone I could cry to about it, and DH giving me a bit of time to myself by taking DD for a bit. The early weeks are a struggle but it does get easier. Try to put off visitors or limit the time they are around unless they are the kind of people that will help by bringing food or doing housework.

I thought I was doing things all wrong but when I realised I was giving my baby what she needed - food and love , and relaxed a bit instead of worrying that she hadn't slept for 4 hours, or had been feeding for ages, basically when I just went with what she needed and took things a day at a time it was less stressful.