The difficulties in coping with being a mum for the first time...

[Bzza]

I fear I may be an impostor on this site as I am not actually a mum - I am a dad.

I am writing this because my wife has benefited massively from this site over the last 12 months, and now having become a mum for the first time she is suffering some of the harsh realities that come with being a mum rather than being pregnant.

My wonderful wife has been so focused on being pregnant and so focused on the labour that not a lot of thought was given to the hard work that would follow.

My wife is having some rather big lows, and feels she isn?t emotionally coping with it all.

Problems include sleeping patterns of out 1 week old son, right and wrong things to do with breast feeding, what to do when he cries etc. As a result, feelings of helpless, feeling lost and feeling like the old life was better are coming to the fore.

If anyone can share with me any ideas on how I can best support my wife, what I should say to her etc that would be much appreciated

Is this common? Does it help to point to it happening else where?

Yours,

A loving husband

Hi Bzza

I found first time motherhood crushingly hard, and I don't think I am in the minority. Almost every aspect of my 'new life' caused me great great anxiety and to be honest it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It's very easy to advise your wife with the benefit of hindsight, but to be honest, I think that the anxiety and heartache in the first few months is almost 'normal' and natural, so not sure if your wife will really benefit from the 'wisdom' of more experienced mums. It's easy for me to say 'relax and trust your instincts' etc etc, but I know how fraught every little decision and responsibility associated with my son became for me when I was a new mum. It was all just so stressful, and I felt like I was getting it all wrong.

Still, for what it's worth, I'd say she needs to find an outlet for her feelings - a good friend, a female relative, a counsellor. She shouldn't suffer in silence or think that she is somehow alone - she most certainly isn't. She should also rest assured that this is a phase - I absolutely promise it is a phase. She will not always feel this way. I had very bad PND and found motherhood an absolute struggle for a long time, but even I feel fairly relaxed and OK about it down the line and have just had my second baby (can't be that bad, then! ).

You are so early on in your experience of parenthood. The first few months are brutal. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Breast feeding can be really bloody hard. And nothing either of you can do can ever make real life like the picture painted in those bloody pregnancy books (they have a lot to answer for, with their focus on the birth and faffing about getting together a layette, instead of saying 'You will look and feel like a zombie on the verge of a nervous breakdown for about a year' - which would be more accurate an d worth the £8.99!)

Good luck x

Go easy on yourselves.

I think I cried more than the baby for the first six weeks, and I found the whole of the first three months appallingly stressful. DP said that most nights he dreaded coming home for fear of what kind of state I would be in.

If she has ANY worries about breastfeeding make sure she gets real life support. Either ring the helplines or go to a baby cafe. I wish I'd done that. It's such a lonely and isolating thing when it's not going well, when you're fragile and it can he hard to ask for help.

My wrap sling was a godsend as DS slept nowhere else but my arms during the day until he was 5 months old (he sleeps fine anywhere now.)

My DP did all the housework, cooking and laundry until about 4 months. He left me a packed lunch in a fridge and filled a flask of tea before he went to work. When he got home from work he would take DS out for a walk while I went and took a bath. He did so much he was as tired as I was.

I always went back to bed with DS for naps a couple of times a day to catch up on sleep (and I still go back for morning nap, because he thinks 5.30 is an appropriate time to get up in the morning)

Six weeks was when it got a BIT easier, three months was a real turning point and it suddenly all got a LOT easier. 4.5 - 5.5 months was awful again.

We're at eight months now and we have good days every day! I've almost forgotten the horror and DS might not be an only child after all

Hello and welcome Bzza - not an imposter... when you've found your feet with the bairn - and yes, it will happen! You can go in search of the other dads on here... in dadsnet

I've nothing to add to the experiences and wonderful advice you've been given here - they've said it all for me

Congratulations though and welcome baby bzza

Congratulations on the birth of your son! `Just wanted to say that your wife is very lucky to have sensitive husband who recognises that things are hard for her. It's completely normal what you are describing. For me it lasted for a long time really, never progressed into depression but I was just shell shocked and so tired all the time. The lack of sleep and not knowing what my baby wanted was horrendous. I don't know about your wife but I deffinitely thought that ince the baby was here, it would all just come naturally and everything would fall into place, it didn't! I had no idea, I felt helpless, panicked, exhauseted and useless. I just wanted to run away. The hormones are racing and she is still recovering from the birth, it takes a long time in my experience for everything to settle down and start to make sense.

I second what everyone else has said about you just trying to be sympathetic, allow her to tell you how she really feels and if she feels like a good cry then let her know it's OK. I kind of felt guilty for not being happy with our son and was ashamed for how I actually felt. The truth is that motherhood and babies are not easy and they don't just sit and gurgle like they do in the adverys. Mine screamed at full pelt unless he got EXACTLY what he wanted there and then and it was so draining. I felt embarrassed that I didn't know what he wanted amd I just needed my husband to tell me it was OK and that things were going to be alright.

Try and do little bits round the house and bring her drinks when she's feeding him. Chocolate always helps too!

I'd direct her to this site as there are certainly many people who have been there before and can always support hr. Best wishes.

There's a really good thread on here entitled 'Overwhelmed by new baby' which is well worth a read. Look up the poster's wonderful and inspiring follow-up post a few months on too.

Your wife will be fine. No one really lets on the dirty secret that the first few weeks and months with a new baby are hell, making you doubt your own sanity and severely denting your self-confidence. I guess maybe that's because you need to go through it yourself to really believe it. It's probably no comfort now, but the first few months really do pass incredibly quickly. Your wife, as with every new mother, has been thrown right in the deep end. Everything will come together and she will learn to swim in good time, as we all do.

It is hellish for about the first 3 months ime. And I found this with #2 as well tbh.

It helped me to think in terms of a 24 hour day - not days and nights. Very little babies don't do days and nights anyway. I slept whenever I could and I cried a lot - crying is a v useful outlet. It's ok to mourn your old life.

Both my babies would stop crying and settle when I put them down - I only discovered this by accident when I left dd crying to have a shower - I was desperate. 5 mins later dd was asleep. DS is the same and gets overstimulated if cuddled too much when he's crying.

I only post this to make the point that babies are different and you need to get to know your baby. The only way this happens is with time and trial and error.

Make sure your dw is eating and resting and getting out of the house for little walks. My dh used to say "this will get better" over and over to me. I ended up believing him, and he was right.

I keep recommending this thread, but really, lots of MNers all in one place who felt the same things that your wife is feeling:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=behaviour_development&threadid=476723-overwhelmed-with-new-baby-please- tell-me-it-s-normal#10005353

It's the one mentioned by Chunkychick, and was followed by posts in Aug/ Sep this year about how things were now going well.

The bit about your DW losing her old life resonated with me. She won't be reading books for a while, but when she is, buy her this book as a present:

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-Especially-Nothing/dp/0749926201/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=122 7029701&sr=8-1

It really is just such a reassuring book about how it feels to become a parent, and indeed how it impacts on your relationship. As someone needs to be looking out for you too as a new dad. All the best.