Am getting a bit worried about this behaviour in dd.

[milkysallgone]

She is almost 4, very bright, chatty,and energetic, but I'm getting increasingly concerned over the way she interacts socially.

It's a bit tricky to explain but I'll try. I would say she is quite a boisterous character and has no problems playing with friends at nursery etc, but we seem to have issues when in situations where she feels under any sort of pressure to 'perform'.

For instance if we meet friends for play: The first half an hour or so is spent with dd acting up/ being really silly and sometimes embarassingly rude, and after a bit she settles. Doctors appointments are becoming really stressful; dd refuses to let them near her, starts displaying regressive and aggressive verbal behaviour.

Any sort of organised activity is pretty much out of the question. Where as others seem to just get on with it, dd just won't join in or do a simple task such as if asked to sit down. It's starting to get me down lately and I am finding myself avoiding some social situations for fear of dd's behaviour.

I've made her sound awful but she is a lovely, articulate little girl; but I just feel that this is limiting the fun we could be having. What could be construed as bad behaviour seems to me to be about her being self-conscious to me. This week I have declined lunch with another Mum and re-arranged seeing a friend so she is at nursery .

I would really appreciate any thoughts on why she could be acting this way and anything I could to to help her.

Sorry for bad spelling!

Bumping

Would role-play at home help?

Endless games where you are Dr Mummy and she is patient dd and you have appointments, or you go to a cafe and she is Mummy and you are dd, or, well, you get the idea. Sorry if this idea is too young for her - my eldest is 2.6 and wants to role play all day long.

Or, how about pushing her boundaries a bit just the 2 of you? My own dd is a bit of a handful when I meet friends in a cafe because (a) there's an audience, and (b) she doesn't have my full attention. When we go to a cafe by ourselves she is a dream - could maybe get your dd in to the habit of behaving normally in social settings?

Does it help if you talk through exactly what you will be doing and what the expectations are, broken down into very small chunks? If you think it could be anxiety related to how she is supposed to 'perform', maybe it would help if you spelled out how she could behave until she relaxes?

Sorry if that is no use to you whatsoever!

Was just coming back to say what TPL said. On our way to anything we always talk about what's going to happen when we get there, who will be there, what they might say, what she might say back etc.

Thanks all. Yes I think I do try to explain where we're going, what we'll be doing etc but sometimes it's as if dd is a cornered animal! I know she knows how to be polite, talk to adults etc but she just clams up.

Take Friday for instance. We were in the supermarket and they were collecting for Children in need. I put some coins in and gave some to dd and the woman encouraged her to put them into the bucket; dd just got this defiant look on her face and chucked them on floor.

I am aware that this seems incredibly petulant, but it stems from her feeling odd about a stranger asking her to do something iyswim?

What did you do in response to that milky?

I apologised to the lady, picked them up and marched dd away. I then told her off and said it was a very rude thing to do and not acceptable.

Thanks spinspin - yes I feel it is an anxiety, this why I'm worried; I don't want it to get worse and affect her. I will try not to avoid situations in the hope that it will help. I cannot imagine getting her to partake in any sort of class at this point in time. We tried swimming classes a while back and it was a disaster.

Can you tell me a little bit about the way your ds behaves?

Just bumping and updating.

I have just dropped dd off at nursery where she has been since she was 2. She was quite frightened about moving up to the pre-school romm initially and would cry etc when left; after a couple of weeks she was fine and really likes it now. The 'problem' is that she insists that I walk her to the top of the stairs as opposed to saying goodbye at the bottom.

The room leader has been trying to get dd to walk up on her own for a while now and dd is having none of it; she gets quite panicky and won't let go of me etc. This morning we went in as usual and the leader started saying "Right dd - this morning X walked up the stairs so we need you to do it today." Dd started getting quite agitated at this point and was refusing to take her coat off, saying she wanted to go home cos she was tired.

It ended in me leaving her crying while the leader had to get her coat off and bundle her up the stairs. I had a word afterwards and told her that I didn't think putting pressure on her was the way to go because dd is anxious about these things. She thne told me that during 'circle time' dd clams up if asked to speak etc.

I also have a younger ds and he is the same - neither are 'joiners in', they both seem to have the same tendancies. I can't help wondering where I'm going wrong! I have struggled with low self-confidence as a child and adult, and I really thought I was doing my best to help my dcs not to be like me but it seems I'm failing abysmally .

i dont really think you should be worrying. so she doesnt want to walk up the stairs - she would rather you wakled with her - if it were me i would just do it - it doesnt matter in the gradn scheme of things and if it helps her just do it

things like putting the coins in the collecting box - it seems to me your dd just doesnt like being the centre of attention - thats ok isnt it? i rmemember being like that as a child - i hid behind mums skirt and never left her side - wouldnt play with the other children - mum just left me to it - i was happy -
making your dd do things she doesnt want to wont achieve anything - she obviously just wants to be close to you - she wont come to any harm not talking in circle time or not playing with other children all the time

when you are in situations and you feel she is going to be anxious - sit her on your knee - ok its more difficult to chat to people but it will help your dd - r get a chair and pull it right beside you and she can sit there - she is still only 4

hth

keeping her close to you will give her confidence - pushing her to do things she wont want to do will make her less confdient and more anxious

speaking from experience - i would go to playschool with mum - i would sit on the floor at her knee the whole time - mums friends would say "go and play with the other children" - this made me very anxious and i would look to mum who would say "she doesnt watn to - just leave he alone" i would then feel safe and secure and happy that mum told me it was ok to stay where i was - eventually when i was a bit older i would go and play but mum told me to take my time

also its a viscious circle - the more you try to persuade your dd to go up stairs alone the more she will feel the centre of attention etc etc

hope that helps
good luck

Nailpolish - thank you. I know in my heart that pushing her is the absolute worse thing I could do, and I do try not to. I think I have feelings of failure which is my issue not hers.

Spinspinsugar - thank you so much for posting that; I was close tears reading it!
"- pretending to shoot us with imaginary pistols (extension of his play with friends)

• saying things like "I'm going to throw you in jail!"

My dd does those exact same things!! She is very bright and from the minute she was born it was almost as if she fel we were patronising her iyswim?
I just don't want to get it all wrong for her...
We went to a birhtday party on Saturday and dh just looked at me and said "Our 2 just seem different to ther children." And my heart sank .

Agree with naily (good post btw).

Your dd sounds lovely and confident with you but overwhelmed with strangers and unsure how to handle the situation.

She wants to at first and is ok with the idea but then, oh no!..it's all too much and she pulls back or tries to exit fast with an outburst.

I think at four this is all perfectly normal. It's just a confidence thing. The world looks tantalising and interesting and then suddenly scary and full of unknown expectations.

I would bet anything that this resovles itself as she gets older. I'm sure all of mine displayed this kind of reaction.

I used to break out into cold sweats at the singing group we used to go to with dd1. She is a lovely gentle considerate little girl (still is now she's 10) but they used to do this thing where you were given an instrument to play then when the music stopped you gave it to the next child. Well she was having none of this sharing/be nice malarky.

I would have to prise her fingers open and she'd go into meltdown. She knew what was expected of her and was fine with me at home, but all eyes on her in the group and it was a different story. Too overwhelming I guess.

Those were the days.

You have no idea how much all of this is helping me to feel positive - thank you .

Spinspin - I scored 13/18 on the 'Highly Sensitive child' quiz.

• hinding behind my legs
• pulling at my clothes
• dragging me away

Yes to all of this if I'm trying to talk with someone she's not comfortable with.

Nailpolish - I have just re-read your post about when you were at playschool. I 'm that I have bowed to the pressure of encouraging her to go off and play with friends without thinking about why she is being clingy.

No time for a long post just now - but my dd sounds quite similar to yours. She's 4 too and veers from being very chatty and loud (and bossy in situations where she is comfortable) to the polar opposite.

We were at a class on Saturday and she was behind me the entire time - did not speak or answer a single question, even to say her name

I was also like this as a child. I've realised that she is probably going to be a bit "different" and I try not to pressurise her (it is sometimes hard not to though)

My mum pressurised encouraged me all the time and it made things worse.

i think you are over thinking this

none of her behaviour sounds weird

she is still v young

I totally understand what you mean about your own feelings of failure/issues.

I have those too and I feel much better about dd now that I've taken a bit of pressure off myself. I think it's fine if dd is different.

When I was a bit older, my dad constantly told me it was ok if I was a bit different from other kids (my mum didn't, but that's a whole other thread really).