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Original poster

ds hitting other children, please help me... im gutted

27 replies

aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 20:52

i have ds who was 2 gone aug, i have just had twins 14 weeks ago and ever since he has started hitting other kids im really at the end of my teather of what to do with him, hes such a lovely little boy very advanced for his age in all aspects! tonight he has scratched his baby brother so bad hes bleeding and thinks its funny when i tell him off! just laughs at me, keep trying the step but he wont stay on it! took him to soft play and ended up haaving to follow hom around as he was keep wacking the kids in there until it got to bad i had to take him home, he goes to our local tumble tots and theyve asked me to move him to the older class as hes too boistrous for the kids in his class now..... the final straw has been today when i collected him from play group his key worker hs told me hes raising his hand in there too... i dont know what to do , hes such a sweet little thing and if you met him on a one to one youd love him i just really cant cope with this stage he is going through... any idea on how to deal with this.... PLEASE hes had me reduced to tears today!

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 20:58

ive asked for advice from heath visitor too who suggested star chart which didnt really work either... please??

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whomovedmychocolate · 12/11/2008 21:05

Every time he does this you must not react. Very calmly but sternly say 'WE DO NOT HIT' and remove him from the room. Ideally isolate him in a room with no toys in it (we put DD in her room) for a few minutes.

Also you really need to spend some one on one time with him. He's playing up because he's been deposed from the number 1 spot. My DS is four months and DD is just over two and it was inevitable that there would be some problems.

We managed it by making sure DH takes her out or takes DS away at least once a day so we have some special mummy time without anyone else.

It does get easier! Honestly.

thisisyesterday · 12/11/2008 21:06

aww it's something a LOT of children go through, so please don't think that it's just him, or that he's being bad or anything like that. it's just one of those things IMO.

what are playgroup doing when he does it?
I don't like naughty steps, I think they're more trouble than they're worth.
I think at home I'd make sure the babies are out of the way, and if he does get access and tries to hit or scratch then just take him away and say NO, very firmly.
you can also take his hand and stroke the baby and say to him "gently, gently, with the baby" as you do it to teach him how to touch people in a nicer way.

I realise it's probably incredibly difficult with tiny twins too, but does he get any 1-2-1 time with you atm? he may be doing it because it gets your attention??

laughalot · 12/11/2008 21:09

Oh dear I am so sorry I have been there my ds was 2.5 when his ds was born and he went from angel to devil in a instant. I think it will probably be the twins that has bought the bad behaviour on and who can blame him all that attention and then not only 1 but 2 babies enter his life and his mummies attention is gone for a while. I found that putting my dd down early gave me time to play, read, watch a dvd with my ds just me and him, and I found a big improvment in his behaviour even though tbh when my dd went down I just wanted to have time to myself I made sure I made time for him on his own. My ds thing was smacking everyone in his path and there has been lots of times spent crying. I felt he needed to know it wasnt right but I dident want to upset him by doing time out ect as he was upset enough with his sister coming along so we used a star chart and if he did well he did something at the end of the week with me for example swimming, trip to the park ect and no little sister around. I understand its even harder for you with having twins but it will get better I promise. Now his lovely angelic sister has learnt to smack him back so im trying to tackle that . Be strong you can do it.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:30

i do have lots of 1 to 1 time with him to be honest sometimes i feel the twins dont get the attention they deserve, i read all day i play cars i cuddle him, the poor twins get very little attention which does upset me too... my partner is working away in middle east at mo which is not ideal anyway.. but i have plenty of help of my parents.... but every day i do some kind of activity with him.... today weve been to garden center without twins to see the xmas decs, but as soon as we come home even if the twins r getting no attention he goes wild/ when we go to soft play the twins r home with nanna, and he still lashes out. so i really dont think its cos he hasnt got mummys attention as probs hes getting more now than hes ever had

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Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:32

ive tried puuting him in his room on his own but he just kicks the door and screams im really down and cant cope with it all, its coming to a point where i dont want to take him places where i know other kids are

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whomovedmychocolate · 12/11/2008 21:35

I know exactly what you mean. I really feel sometimes DS gets sod all - he just sits there uncomplaining while he's sat in his pram for an hour so I can sort DD out.

It is really hard. It's also been a while so he should be getting used to the idea now. I can't imagine how hard it is for you with twins as well.

What do you do when he hits someone?

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:42

if he say hit somone in soft play id take him away and tell him he must not hit then take him to whom he has hit and make him say sorry, i give him a couple of chances then i take him home kicking and screaming, but then he'll come home nd tell his grandad " me hitty hity hit hit a boy in soft play" and kills himself laughing than dad will tell him off but he couldnt care less

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bookswapper · 12/11/2008 21:43

you poor thing

you sound like you are doing everything right

my DS has been "settling" in at playgroup and has been a nightmare..all coinciding with the arrival of his new brother...seven months later things are getting a bit better and this week, the spectacular tantrums he throws when I leave him at playgroup have stopped...I'm glad I kept going, iognoring all the tantrums (even though he reduced me to tears)and even though he was so bad the other mothers tried to get me to come and pick him up and take him home

he is testing you, testing that you still love him no matter what he does, because he is feeling insecure as you have other babies now....

stay firm and loving, he will "kick out" at the boundaries but keep the boundaries there

it will pass...keep going!!!!

and other parents ARE sympathetic!

whomovedmychocolate · 12/11/2008 21:45

You have to remove him immediately no warnings. A straight 'we do not hit' and then back in the car. I know it's a huge pain in the bum and a waste of money but you'll only have to do it a few times for him to learn you are serious.

You should apologise to the other kid (and his/her parent) and remove him - he's too little to know what an apology is really IMHO. Just take him out of the situation very quickly each and every time and don't give him any chances because if you do he learns he can wind you up to quite spectacular ends before you'll react.

bookswapper · 12/11/2008 21:45

I dont think there is much point your dad telling him off as that's after the event and more attention fo rthe behaviour IYSWIM...he should just ignore your son
telling him this

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:49

honest im embarrased to tell people i have been onto sil today and i couldnt tell her as i want people to love the little boy who was here a few months ago...

i really hope its just a stage i hate the thought that carers at play group may not like him i feel like taking him out! honest i am so upset

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gagarin · 12/11/2008 21:51

IMO star charts are for chidlren 3+ years. They need to be able to remember what they are NOT supposed to be doing - and at 2 he's far too young for that!

Just do your "very cross mummy face" and remove him.

It will pass...

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:53

so u suggest no chances just straight home if we re out, one toot n ya oot rule!!! ha ha! what about if we are in house with just twins..... what do i try.... would you suggest taking away toys ect?

thanks for help on this one x

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thisisyesterday · 12/11/2008 21:56

yep, straight home if you're out.
if he tells his granddad then he should just say "that's not nice, we don't hit" or something along those lines and then ignore it.

at home I would just remove him from the situation and say "no hitting"

thisisyesterday · 12/11/2008 21:57

i don't think taking toys away works because he won't relate that to what he has done.
he'll just focus on you taking his toy away and how not nice that is for him and have a tantrum over it. he won't get that it's because he has hit.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 21:59

do i put him upstairs or in passage do i stay with him... what?

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thisisyesterday · 12/11/2008 22:03

if you have another safe room downstairs I would just put him there. or even just down the other end of the room you're in.
it doesn't have to be a time out, just a removal from the situation

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 22:07

thaanks hope this works im staring to dread waking up n facing same thing every day....

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whomovedmychocolate · 12/11/2008 22:08

You have to say very clearly 'we do not hit' accompanied by the cross mummy face and up and away to another room with him. Stick him in the loo if you have to and hold the door shut. I would leave him there for two minutes. Then go back in reiterate 'we do not hit' and then get on with things. Don't refer back to it or be disapproving anymore or he'll just think you are being mean and not associate it with what happened.

You probably don't want to stay with him. When it's happened to me I've been too mad to stay nearby in case I said or did something I'd regret to the little bugger darling.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 12/11/2008 22:11

i know this is really mean but the only thing that make him really sorry is if i pretend to cry he hates it so i have done that today and it did work a little bit... is that really bad. i just needed him to know how bad it was hitting his brother

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bookswapper · 12/11/2008 22:15

I would just stick with the "cross face" pretending to cry just teaches him how to manipulate
although I admit I bribe my non-compliant DS with choc buttons which is the same thing

whomovedmychocolate · 12/11/2008 22:16

It's fine to let him know you are upset but it's wrong to pretend to cry. Blimey I think I'd really cry in your situation!

You are giving a two year old a lot of responsibility if he thinks that you are crying because of him. That's definitely attention - which is what he wants - but possibly not the best sort.

Mind you I can't talk - I ROARED at DD the other week when she bit my leg when she was overtired and overexcited (bloody MiL spent all day winding her up and she just exploded at bathtime and ran round howling and biting me).

Mind you she hasn't done it since! I did apologise though and explain mummy was very surprised and her leg hurt a lot and that's why she yelled.

duchesss · 13/11/2008 13:35

Poor you, I've been there too and know how mortifying it can feel. When I look back I feel I didn't always handle it very well (probably getting a bit too stressed and therefore not communicating effectively).

He will grow out of it. Many, many children go through this stage as just a natural stage of their development, younger siblings or not. And other parents do understand, at least the ones whose opinions you need to worry yourself with!

As far as not feeling able to go to places with other children... again, this is something I look back on and wonder about what I could have done differently. I used to socialise a lot with other mums, go to toddler groups, etc. and wonder now if I wasn't putting too much of a strain on my relationship with DS. I think perhaps I was getting the usual social stress ('do they like me? what must they think of me? etc.') and unfairly transfering them to DS. Not saying that's happening with you, but just to share my experience.

Hang in there, look after yourself and trust that it will pass!

duchesss · 13/11/2008 13:43

PS: with regards to what you do whilst at home and he's lashing out at the twins, personally I'd forget about punishments and just continue to say very clearly and calmly 'no hitting', gently physically remove him if you have to, and then distract him. You'll probably have to do this a million times, and won't always mangage to stay calm, and emotionally EXHAUST yourself in the process, but I really believe that with your love the message will get through in the end. Good luck x