7 year old ds feels sorry for himself ALLLLL the time. How can I stop it? (Long)

[mrsmaidamess]

My 7 year old is driving dh and I to distraction.

Its not just the 'Woe is me' attitude to everything. Its the fact that he will make a minimal effort with things such as bike riding, swimming lessons, football on a Saturday, and just when he starts to show improvement he will stop trying. Its almost as if he thinks he's done enough, and doesn't want to get it 100% right.

When we try to talk to him about how he could do that little bit extra, like practice on his bike again, the 'I'm rubbish, I can't do it, no one likes me, they think I'm rubbish at school, my handwritings messy etc etc' stream of conciousness about how BAD his life is in EVERY way comes tumbling out and its impossible to get any sense out of him or to get him to listen.

Then, just when he's in the midst of the glums, he'll pipe up with 'Who got voted off X factor last Week?' To which dh and I reply, Heh? You were suicidal 2 minutes ago, now youre onto this instead.

His swimming teacher spoke to me tonight and said he had never tried to teach a boy who was so cautious about trying new things and getting better at them. After almost 20 lessons, he's made the progress we would have expected after 5.

There's much talking and negotiating from my ds with the (very young) teacher about what he will and won't do, and there's that lack of drive, or wanting to succeed that we find so frustrating because if he just succeeded a tiny bit, he could say I've done iT!!!

His class teacher said he finds it hard to concentrate and gets very upset if his work is not 'just so' and there is a lot of manic rubbing out.

Consequently, he doesn't finish, misses part of playtime and so the downward spiral continues because he's so sad about it.

Now I've waffled on forever, any advice, or similar experience? Is my son a manic depressive or does he just need tough love and a kick up the jacksie?

keep going, dont give in and keep at the "no your not rubbish" in a while 12 - 15 months you will find yourselves the other side of this problem and he will realise that he is good at somethings.

Been where you are and out the other side.

I have my ds on the list for cubs, they don't take them to cubs in Ireland until they are 8. My friends two dc go and she has had nothing but praise for it. My dd is 23 so ds is an only child in lots of ways. I think cubs will be really good for him.

Thanks again for this thread Mrsmaidemess.

I would say, that your son prob has a tendancy to lows/depressive thoughts. I only say this becuase its how i was as a child, and i struggled with my confidence all my life. I also only say it becuase now that i am aware of it, i do try and look out for it in dd, who although is bubbly and fun, can be very down on herself and hates being in the spotlight or tryign new things. This goes for food, she was a routine queen as a baby, and althohas gone thru the trauma or her dad leaving to, she was likethis firm a newborn.

I also feel it is easy to think that all those after school clubs and classes will help. I have mentioned them to dd, there's drama, swiming, dance etc... but she doesn't want to go yet. I feel there is plenty of time for her to be able to grow a little emotionally, for her to just 'be' and if she wants she can try some clubs when a bit older.

Ithink they have an awful lotof pressure at school, and 6 hrs a day is enought for some kids. I can see how exasperated you must feel, and he will pick up on that. It's very tricky to judge what to say to them and when.

Maybe you could think of things he really enjoys doing and let hi just do those. Perhaps swimming just isn't his thing right now.

He's still little, and maybe he needs soem pressure off.

It's a great environment for giving things a try and making friends in a safe environment. A well run Cub or Beaver group can be fab. My ds is 7 and at Beavers atm. They do all sorts of different things

cubs sounds more like fun to me. lots of thigns going on, things you can have a go at, that you might not think you are good at.

I've just asked him and showed him all the lovely things they do on the cubs website

"I don't want to do that"

Is there a forced grin emotion?

Ah but have you asked him if he thinks Cubs are a good idea. Sounds like he easily takes against things, especially things that he thinks you want him to do. If you go for it, you might need to find a clever way of making him think Cubs is his idea.

Lol I practise that method on dh! To make him think something I want is his idea (not to get him to join cubs I hasten to add.)

You can often just turn up for a few sessions to see if you like it without joining. Do any of his friends go? Maybe you could engineer one of them to ask him along.

Must have crossed posts MMaMess. My he's predictable isn't he?!
Howabout giving him a choice of two activities to chose between - cubs and something else. Once he's chosen, no moaning and he has to go to say 6 sessions and not make a fuss. If he does and doesn't moan offer a reward/ bribe. Do a sticker chart even for positivity. Don't whatever you do engage in allowing him to whinge unless it's obvious he's completely hating it. Do it as a deal/ contract between you and him and stick to it like glue.

• I think the symbol you were looking for was !

I also do agree with Purpleducks post.

I think sometimes it's better not to dwell on it. Just keep it upbeat and don't get drawn into a negative dissection about what went wrong.

Sometimes if I can see we're getting into that territory I very deliberately change the subject.

I don't mean ignore big concerns, but if you dwell on everything there's nowhere further to go when a big thing comes along.

Don't look like you even 'notice' the lack of progress on the swimming etc even if he does and moans about it. Just 'Ah well, just try your best next time. What shall we have for tea?' If he thinks you don't think it's a big deal maybe he won't either and will be less hard on himself.

Ds (8) was very much like this until recently. Last term he wrote in his school report under Things I Need to Improve: "A lot"

Couldn't read very well, could hardly write, couldn't ride a bike, couldn't swim, doing really badly with his instrument, gave up football because he was so bad at it (admittedly the other children were losing patience).

What changed it all for him was succeeding with one thing (happened to be swimming but could have been anything). I think he was just ready to do it; suddenly it just clicked. This happened in the summer: since then he has learnt to ride his bike, started football club, is reading Harry Potter and is really throwing himself into playing the French horn.

Whoo lots of hard replies there! I too have a son like this and we are not pushing him to be the next Einstein - we just want to realise that a bit of extra effort equals success. When he does go the extra mile he is totally proud of himself. Achievement is the key to confidence not sloppily ignoring a child's lack of progress and allowing them to muddle along in a mire of self doubt and confusion. There is also a very big difference between encouragement and pushing.

I become a Joyce Grenfell sort of character piping 'come along - let's try again" and I do help him - I don't just stand there shouting " your are disappointing me!" everytime he spouts the usual "I'm rubbish" thing. I have to say though a change of teacher and becoming a year older has made a big difference and he is a lot more confident this year. Constant encouragement and praise for any little achievement too.

PS I am a Cub Akela and can recommend it for any boy

PS I am a Cub Akela and can recommend it for any boy

Moos and cory thanks for your posts...it made me to realise there are other kids like mine and I am not a whip cracking beast!
I do think the transition from Year 2 to year 3 has shaken him a bit...so theres is hope for when he is 8 by the sounds of it.

Mrsmaidamess, just wanted to say that I have almost exactly the same issues with my DS, and have just posted a thread. I completely understand where you are coming from - it is very frustrating when you know just how brilliant they really are in themselves, but they won't give themselves a chance. I hope things improve for you and for him. Keep us posted.