7 year old ds feels sorry for himself ALLLLL the time. How can I stop it? (Long)

[mrsmaidamess]

My 7 year old is driving dh and I to distraction.

Its not just the 'Woe is me' attitude to everything. Its the fact that he will make a minimal effort with things such as bike riding, swimming lessons, football on a Saturday, and just when he starts to show improvement he will stop trying. Its almost as if he thinks he's done enough, and doesn't want to get it 100% right.

When we try to talk to him about how he could do that little bit extra, like practice on his bike again, the 'I'm rubbish, I can't do it, no one likes me, they think I'm rubbish at school, my handwritings messy etc etc' stream of conciousness about how BAD his life is in EVERY way comes tumbling out and its impossible to get any sense out of him or to get him to listen.

Then, just when he's in the midst of the glums, he'll pipe up with 'Who got voted off X factor last Week?' To which dh and I reply, Heh? You were suicidal 2 minutes ago, now youre onto this instead.

His swimming teacher spoke to me tonight and said he had never tried to teach a boy who was so cautious about trying new things and getting better at them. After almost 20 lessons, he's made the progress we would have expected after 5.

There's much talking and negotiating from my ds with the (very young) teacher about what he will and won't do, and there's that lack of drive, or wanting to succeed that we find so frustrating because if he just succeeded a tiny bit, he could say I've done iT!!!

His class teacher said he finds it hard to concentrate and gets very upset if his work is not 'just so' and there is a lot of manic rubbing out.

Consequently, he doesn't finish, misses part of playtime and so the downward spiral continues because he's so sad about it.

Now I've waffled on forever, any advice, or similar experience? Is my son a manic depressive or does he just need tough love and a kick up the jacksie?

I hope I didn't sound too critical, I didn't mean to. It's flipping hard work being a parent and it does sometimes take people who aren't so close to a situation to see things that you can't see when you are in the middle of it all. I am lucky to have very supportive friends who have held my hand along the way with DD and her difficulties and it has been hugely helpful. They are good enough friends to gently point out things I might not have realised I have been doing, was hard to listen to at the time but I am grateful they did as usually they were right .

No you didn't sound too critical at all...the responses I have received on this thread, whilst making me feel a little at first, have really made me think.

I thought I was good at this!

I'm sure you are good at it, it's just that every so often the goal posts move have a habit of taking you a little unawares and it takes just a little bit of readjustment. Hence the need for supportive friends/MN and chocolate/wine/expensive handbag , vital parts of parenthood

And listening to advice that you might not really want to hear and taking it on board as you are doing here makes you a great parent in my book

I think the sort of default parenting a lot of us have (including me) is a copy of what our parents did. And mine certainly went in for the 'don't be silly, you're marvellous' response to whinging or self-criticism. Which just doesn't work.

And it's a constant battle (for me, anyway) to parent positively. I certainly haven't always managed it, as evidenced by DS1 being so self-critical. (I have improved, though - DS2 does the same things, but not much, and not convincingly, it's clear he's just copying DS1. )

my ds is only 4 and is very like this, he is very hesitant to try anything at all and has days where he doesn't even want to try the things he can do really well. we try very hard to walk the fine line between supporting him when we think he needs it and saying "you can do this, and leaving him to it (talking about very simple stuff like spooning up his weetbix)
on the very few occasions that he tries something new or tries something he has struggled with we try not to make too much fuss (as this often makes him worse) but just a quite acknowledgement seems to go really far for him eg "You tried again and you did it, How cool" I also talk about myself alot when I don't achieve what I want "I wish that baking had turned out better, I wonder what I should try next time" I then make sure there is a next time fairly close around the corner. I think with my ds a lot of it is modeling which I am only just becoming aware of..I am not very confident in my own abilities and do not have a lot of skills so can be a bit self critical at times and while I am not blatantly obvious about this I think ds picks up on it so have consciously tried to focus on this.

my ds is only 4 and is very like this, he is very hesitant to try anything at all and has days where he doesn't even want to try the things he can do really well. we try very hard to walk the fine line between supporting him when we think he needs it and saying "you can do this, and leaving him to it (talking about very simple stuff like spooning up his weetbix)
on the very few occasions that he tries something new or tries something he has struggled with we try not to make too much fuss (as this often makes him worse) but just a quite acknowledgement seems to go really far for him eg "You tried again and you did it, How cool" I also talk about myself alot when I don't achieve what I want "I wish that baking had turned out better, I wonder what I should try next time" I then make sure there is a next time fairly close around the corner. I think with my ds a lot of it is modeling which I am only just becoming aware of..I am not very confident in my own abilities and do not have a lot of skills so can be a bit self critical at times and while I am not blatantly obvious about this I think ds picks up on it so have consciously tried to focus on this.

hi mrs, my ds is 12, and can be very sulky and sorryfull, in the past I have tried to resolve it, I have been smiley happy and very squeaky, i have jumped around waving my arms in despair, i have ignored it, but what seems to have an effect is this.

You are entitled to a grumpy day, an unhappy day and a bad day, just tell me, i have them as well. But when you want a good day and some fun, a chat and a cuddle let me know, Im here! i let him come to me, instead of pursuing him insisting he be Mr happy!

And when he does want a good day, I ask what he would like to do and we find time for it. The good days are getting more and more. Good luck.

maidamess

You are parenting as you were parented - it's the only way we learn how. And it's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up about it. It is however your responsibility to try to break the cycle, and just by realising that there is a problem and asking for help about it you have taken a huge first step in being able to do that. I am speaking form experience here - I was parented terribly, and was a complete perfectionist. One mental breakdown and lots of counselling later, I am ensuring that my children don't get the terrible start in life that I had. But my dd has been affected by the first couple of years when I realise I was overly critical and pushy, and I have had to work very very hard to overcome her unconfident personality. My ds is a totally different character. Now whilst I'm sure some of that is purely genetic,I do think some of it is down to me being a pretty screwed up person at the beginning of my parenting career. But - it's working. Just a few small changes to attitude and language can make a huge difference to your child's demeanour, and it sounds like you are a parent who is more than willing to make those changes.

Sorry to hear of the tough time you have had prufrock, and thanks for your positive words.

I typed my OP last night fresh from a swimming lesson when all I could see was my ds 'not trying' and finding ANY reason he could not to do that little bit more to make himself a better swimmer.

I look back at my OP and see how cross Iwas when I wrote it and how it comes across to others.

All I could think of was 'If he would JUST TRY' he would have sooo much fun swimming with his friends, his Dad ' .

It was the perfect illustraion at the pool of how I feel he is a 'let down' and I wish he was one of those kids who dived in, dunked and enjoyed themselves.

I was extremely frustrated and so started thinking of all the things he can't do rather than helping him with the things he CAN do.

One poster, can't remember who said we should parent how he is, not how we want him to be. This has struck such a chord with me. I though I was an unconditional parent especially with him, as he is the apple of my eye. But I see I need to rethink my methods and support him when he is feeling 'useless' rather than adding to it.

Good old MN eh? Takes the rug right out from under your feet!

oh yes, i think my mum was very much of the 'don't be daft, you're great' school. and what did i hear? 'you're daft'.

have a look at those books, maidamess. the 'how to' one is a bit cheesy but does make you think about how saying 'oh really?' is better than 'it ain't so'.

The irony of all this is that I do have that book, and was spouting from it to a friend only the other day. Sounds like I need to swot up

lol. well i've only read a bit of it as it did make my toes curl a bit.

I'd agree with lay off in terms of achievement, but I'd also gently try and change his negativity. He might be a natural pessimist, but it's definitely worth trying to get him to see/ be in the brighter side of life.
Have you tried turning it into a sort of game? Howabout every time he's negative accept don't indulge it but say it's okay to feel like that. Then ask him for a positive thought too. eg: if you practise when you're a bit bigger you won't fall off your bike. After all you don't often see 10 year olds on the ground in tears. I'd also counter it with saying how you remember falling off, etc, etc. If he gives a positive response, he gets 20p to put into a jar. Once he's got to £5 you go to the shop and let him buy a toy. that's 25 positive thoughts and is slowly changing the way he things to boot. boys do always love a game, especially if you keep it light hearted.

I found reading the 'how to' book very upsetting, in a 'why the hell couldn't I have had this sort of parenting when I was a kid' sort of way.

Thanks Smee, thats a nice idea. He does love a'challenge' in that respect, ie a target to reach that he can see.

NQC I agree about the book. It seems so simple yet it takes a huge shift in ideas and communication to deliver. I will be re reading it though!

I still have huge guilt from being annoyed and frustrated with ds now 7 last year when after going on and on about wanting to join football decided after going twice that he didn't want to go any more.

I had spent a small fortune on kit etc and to this day I can still picture my face of thunder marching him home.

I was never brought to anything as a kid and stupidly thought my ds would be only delighted to be involved in something, ie once he expressed an interest in something, all I had to do was bring him and the rest would be a doddle.

I completely got it wrong, I promised him I will never get angry with him in this regard again. Now I try to follow his lead. Thanks for starting this thread op and could anyone tell me who the author of the how to book is?

Sorry, was using this name the other day and forgot to change back. It's Mhamai btw

ha I thought that thread was v. funny! if you google 'How to talk so children will listen' it will come up.

I could do with it. Having read all of this thread, I realise I too am guilty of the jollying along bit and it's made me think if I was down and someone just kept trying to jolly me I'd probably want to pinch their lights out.

Punch even!

Mrsmaidamess I haven't read all of this but does he belong to Beavers or cubs at all? That is a fantastic environment for mucking in and not having to think too introspectively about stuff.

only skimmed thread, so sorry if i repeat or if it has moved on..

my dd gets like this now and again, but it used to get worse. I really lost patience with it, ans I tend to say things like "there are many people in the world who can't walk/swim/whatever, and would love the opportunity"

It has helped, but I would not do that with schoolwork. I think I would just remind him that everyone makes mistakes, no-one is perfect, and the whole point of school is to learn.

As for the "no-body likes me" routine etc, I am quite hard headed, as I have found that to give sympathy just feeds it. I say, "Of course they do" and give examples. When she says "---- didn't play with me" I say " Did you play with her?"

I also point out that just as she is not spending her day watching little Becky in her class, and waiting for her to mess up etc, then they are not watching her.

Its hard, and it has taken a long time, but I have found that the best way -for my dd- is to be logical, and unemotional.

good luck

BTW, we do work to boost her confidence as well

ava I have thought about cubs for him. I think he would enjoy it.