Discipline for 2 year old - naughty step???

[emmywoo]

My dd of just 2 is as good as gold for everyone else apart from me nad dh. She hits me, screams and throws tantrums if she doesn't get what she wants, throws things etc, probably very normal for her age. However, I have been recommended so many ways of discipling her I am now really confused. If she is naughty, does anyone recommend giving her a warning and if she continues to put her on the naughty step. Please help as getting to end of my teather with her behaviour.

My ds is two and one thing I find works with him is if I just totally withdraw myself from him - rather than removing him from me.

Eg, he hit me in the face the other day. I just turned round, went downstairs (shutting stair-gate behind me) and went in the living room. Within about 10 secs he had shouted out that he was sorry and when I went back up he gave me a cuddle. I then just said that hitting made me feel sad and wasn't something he should do.

Or I'll just say - well mummy isn't playing with you if you hit me/throw your toys etc and refuse to engage.

Personally I don't like the idea of a naughty step so haven't used it, but I find the above works for my ds.

Ditto. I find withdrawing attention from them seems to be the most effective means of communicating that they've behaved badly. Just saying, very calmly, something along the lines of "You know that hitting people is unkind and makes them sad. If you want to apologise to me you know what to do, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me," and then walk out, ignoring them. Often their behaviour is aimed (at least in part) in getting attention so withdrawing it seems to be the most effective way of showing them that it doesn't work.

I agree with Iloveautumn and cestlavie - DS1 is 2.8 and we did try using the bottom step of our stairs as a naughty step. He thought it was terrific fun to get off it constantly, and often ran up and down the hall, or up the stairs. If we'd persisted with trying to make him sit on it, it seemed to me that he'd have had tons of attention for his bad behaviour. A calm but firm admonishment and withdrawal works much better for him.

I wasn't sure at first as I was worried withdrawal of attention would be unkind (am a wet lettuce, I know...) but think that's only the case if it's prolonged, or continues after everything has calmed down etc. I find doing this helps me to be calm, too, as the naughty step drove me crackers and made me feel more cross and het-up.

I agree with Mog that it helps me to do it this way too as it gives me some breathing space. It's infuriating when a two-year-old hits you and it makes it easier to just walk away from it.

There's also a limit to how far you can reason with them at that age - better to just show them an immediate consequence to their behaviour in the form of losing what they really want - ie mum's attention and give them a quick explanation.

I worry that the naughty step would end up as Mog has described it and be a distraction.

Second that too. Haven't even tried naughty step as I didn't think it would be effective with DD (just a personality thing) but I do the same as PP: Withdraw, with an explanation about why, say where I'll be when she wants a cuddle.

Do similar with tantrums that escalate beyond all calming - but without the frown, iyswim. So, DD completely loses it about not being able to get a sock on, won't accept help, comfort or anything else, throws herself to the floor in epic frustration. I stroke hair, mutter something empathatic like 'socks are so hard, aren't they babe. When you're ready for a cuddle I'll be in the kitchen' then wait for the storm to pass. She calms much more quickly then when I'm trying to 'help' calm her down.

Wouldn't bother with naughty step. Especially at that age when I don't think they really understand the concept. I also find that withdrawing attention is by far the most effective solution. Except last week when DS hit me and reefused to say sorry. After ignoring him and him crying uncontrolably he just wouldn't say sorry. I then lost my temper and screamed at him at which he finally apologised. I wouldn't recommend this tho as by the time he said sorry it was too long after for him to know what he was saying sorry for and we all got very stressed.

I also find with ds that things are worse when he is tired so just to let some things go when they are obviously just a result of tiredness.

Also, I am pg at the moment and so am more irritable/less patient than usual and have definitley noticed that he matches me so it is really important to try and keep calm.

Ie, in fact he hit me in the face as a reaction to me getting annoyed with him over something. So still not ok for him to hit, but it was natural for him to react to me getting angry. Not that parents should be perfect beings who don't get angry - but we sometimes need to be more accepting of kids behaviour cos ours isn't perfect either and we're adults, not 2 yearolds!

Hope that makes sense - bit of a ramble.

Us too - withdrawing attention and if appropriate removing them from the fun, eg if they're playing in a group of tots and someone hits out, that little one gets calmly but firmly removed from the group for a few mins but not necessarily out of the room onto the step. We used to have a little beanbag in the living room that was tucked out of the way because that's where it fitted, we'd gently pop ds onto it and withdraw attention when he hit/etc.

Agree with Mij about the frustration thing - dd is genuinely upset when she rages, and struggles so hard to (a) work out what it is she wants and (b) work out how to express it. So calm words and leaving her in peace to work it out usually work.
Lots of forward warning of what's going to happen next is a lifesaver for us - it's pretty clear when we've forgotten to do it! And then mischief, where's she's trying something on we try to treat as very boring.
Stuff that's dangerous means we get down to eye level, get her attention, and then calmly and firmly say no, and why she can't do it, and then distract. She's only just 2, so Lord knows what'll happen next!

Hi All, thanks for all your messages, I will start all your agreed approaches this evening. Just one other thing, sometimes she constantly wants picking up and if I say no (normally when in kitchen trying to cook)she then throws tantrum and starts hanging off my legs and sreams until I give in, do you recommend me just walking away from this or do you have any great ideas that I can try as sometimes it can take me 2 hours to do a piece of toast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um - do her a deal - "when I've chopped this carrot, I'll give you a cuddle, and then I'll put you down and you can get your lego". Or - stick her on a chair or up on the counter and give her "jobs" to do. DD loves this. I stick her by the sink (with towels on the floor for the deluge) and she plays with water and cups while I cook. At this age they really seem to like to join in.

On the cooking thing, the best thing might be to stand her up on a chair near you while you cook. Don't wait for the winges but say just before you start to cook, "do you want to help me make X, well lets get you a chair then",

what do you do when you are outside though? We were at swimming yesterday and my dd was find getting dressed to go home until I tried to put her shoes/socks on - she screamed the place down! We were stuck in the smallest cubicle known to man and I eventually got her on my knee and 'wrestled' with her to get them on - the whole time I didn't say anything but it seemed to go on for an age - then she wouldn't put her jacket on and that kicked her off again. Any suggestions how to handle in the future?

For the changing room, distraction and bribery! oh dear, my parenting tips seem to stop after these two
Anything that gets the two of you outside and dressed with minimum bloodshed. Put a snack in each hand while you dress her? Bad singing? Tickling? Counting? r better still "ooh quick let's hurry because then we can go and do "! I bet you've already thought of these.

gallus, I think I'd actually keep talking a lot - blather on about what you're putting on her, and what (nice thing) will happen after the shoes and the jacket - keep her focussed on the future. DD is v. hungry after swimming, and will have mini-meltdowns too, so I keep her well plied with snacks while changing.

Something in each hand is a great tip - we learned to do that to get DD into the car seat, before she could do it herself. As well as diffusing with humour - something along the lines of 'well if I can't that sock on your foot, where shall I put it. I know! Your ears!' We're lucky that DD can usually see the funny side of most potential flare ups, but only if we catch it before it gets too far.

I have to admit that DD left the house in vest, pants and nothing else a couple of weeks ago. And it was cold and drizzling. But she very quickly realised that Mummy was right about needing clothes, and shoes, and a coat... Wouldn't do it every time of course, but my zen-like calm had abandoned me by that point!

thank you for the tips! I was tempted to take her out with no jacket socks or shoes but it was baltic cold outside and a long way to car! Think I have to practice my demented chatty mummy mode!

"my demented chatty mummy mode" - oh God yes. My mum cured dd of her potty phobia almost instantly - I was listening outside the bathroom, and it was an endless stream of lovely chatter that I realised I really hadn't been doing, and it made such a difference. It is hard, though, esp. when you're convinced the person in the cubicle next door is listening in bewilderment at the nonsense you're spouting. Esp. when I have to resort to singing...

I would try getting her involved in small kitchen tasks i.e. buttering a slice of bread, putting pasta in pan or veg you have chopped into the pan etc. It will make LO feel special and will have your attention doing something positive.

I find my dd will ask for something and I will immediately think what do I need to do first so i.e. 'can I have the wizard of oz on please?' yes darling as soon as you have eaten all your breakfast/lunch/ had a bath/sleep, but if you are slow you will have less time to watch it This worked well this morning as her concept of time has started to click into place.

This thread has been enormously helpful for me as I'm struggling with the same issues. Thanks everyone and emmywoo for starting it.

My understanding of the 'naughty step' is as a last resort, not as a punishment but as a time-out for both child and parent to cool down when nothing else is working, but everything else has been tried.

With regards to picking up, I used to givin to DS all the time when he wanted to be picked up until he got too heavy. Then it was a simple explanation of 'I can't pick you up you're too heavy, have a cuddle on the sofa when we have done X'

With getting dressed after swimming we are luckly that they are building a new swimming pool so DS likes to look at the diggers. A 'quick get dressed so you can look at the diggers' works every time. You could probably substitue this for something else your DC likes tho.

I find that a lot of it is about diverting. So "can I have a biscuit?" is met not with "no" but "yes darling, after lunch". I try to reserve No's for dangerous situations etc and then he takes note and he doesn't have a meltdown because he's not getting his way. But in reality I'm in control, and he's not getting a biscuit just before a meal!

Any pushing/hitting etc I would just put him on the floor, walk away saying "that's not nice". But fortunately he's not (yet) started any of that.

If he throws toys he'll get a warning and then the next time I will remove the toy up on to the shelf and ignore any resultant tantrum.

Most of his frustrations and potential tantrums revolve around choice and control though so I try to pre-empt them. So lots of "do you want the blue or the green cup?" "do you want a satsuma or a banana?" etc etc.

We do use the "mat" but only as a last resort when we both need to have space to lose it - it's not a timed thing though and as soon as he's calmed down he comes back for a cuddle.

In public I readily admit I resort to bribery on a regular basis.

Habibu, with you on the public toilet thing. We were in a supermarket loo a couple of weeks ago, when someone came in and used the cubicle next to us. DD gives a running commentary on everything at the moment, so she started the usual 'lady using that loo' etc etc, to which I murmured affirmatives, until the poor woman put her bag down and something banged against the wall.

DD promptly dropped to the floor and started asking 'what that lady doing, what made that noise?' I tried distraction, saying that other people like to be able to go to the loo by themselves and in peace, think she was just putting something down on the floor blah blah blah, but she just wouldn't let it go until we'd both finished. Unfortunate lady turned out to be laughing her head off and, bless her, showed DD exactly what had made the noise - coat button hitting the wall.

Still, better than when she announces to the whole place 'Mummy done a BIG poo!'