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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I can't copw with this much longer

44 replies

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 06:36

DS1 is nearly 4.

His behaviour is v challenging. I am actually starting to really dislike and resent him

He is on the go constantly. He has been up since 4am and hasn't stopped once. He will be like a whirlwind until he eventually goes to sleep tonight (probably about 8 30)

he is destructive, aggressive, hot-tempered, he doesn't listen to me, he can't maintain eye contact with me when I try to talk to him about his behaviour, he fidgets, he is impulsive, he is reckless, he constantly makes noises and pulls faces and I honestly just wish someone would come and take him away.

He has always been high maintenance - he has never slept through the night in his nearly 4 years. He cried constantly as a baby and as a toddler was always a complete hurricane.

I can't take him anywhere because he starts playing up - we walked to the local shops yesterday - he had a tantrum after I took a stick off him because he was hitting me with it. He responded by screaming kicking and eventually he bit my hand. I started to cry in the street. I was v . But that's how I spend most days. Crying.

I really don;t want to feel resentment towards my son who is 3 yo, fgs. But I dread spending time with him. My 2 year old is missing out as well, because he isn't getting the attention he deserves because it all goes on DS1.

I have tried everything with DS1's behaviour, but it hasn't made any significant difference to him. I tried to tell my mum yesterday, but I don;t think she believes me. I just feel so alone and unsupported. DP and I are at the end of our tethers. We have a lot of pressure at work to contend with too (The company isn't looking good - we could lose our jobs) and we have a few issues with money which is hindering our ability to cope with DS1.

We are exhausted. I can't go on any more the way things are going.

Well done if you got this far

OP posts:

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ladytophamhatt · 26/10/2008 06:41

Sheik, I'm sorry I have no advise but just wantedyou to knwo I know exactly how you feel.

DS1 was/is just like your Ds1 too.

mooog · 26/10/2008 06:43

Is ds1 in school (nursery) yet and if so what is his behaviour like there?
Does he act like this with everyone?

GreenMonkies · 26/10/2008 06:46

take him to the GP and tell him what you have put here. He sounds like he has ADHD, and would benefit from some help, and I'm sure you need the support too.

Does he go to nursery or play groups? How does he behave with other children?

I hope you get some help and support, it must be very hard to try to cope on your own with him

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 06:49

He is fairly bossy with other children. He always has to dominate games etc.

He is v popular at pre-school and I don't think he is particularly naughty there, just v boisterous and over-excited.

The only other person who looks after him occasionally is my mum and she lets him get away with it all (Plus he gets fed tons of shit, which is hardly helpful)

It's getting to the point where I dread taking him anywhere because I know how it will end up.

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AphroditeInHerNightie · 26/10/2008 06:51

You poor dear ((((()))))
No advice, sorry, just sympathy.
I had a close friend in the same boat, and it wiped her out.
Do you have an HV you can talk to? Does your clinic have a drop-in centre or support group.
Don't try and do this alone - there is help out there if you seek it out, even if it just empathy, it will make you feel more able to face things knowing you are not alone.

twoluvlykids · 26/10/2008 06:52

Sheik, I agree with GreenMonkies, sounds like you all need help and support.

Interesting that your Mum didn't believe you - is your ds1 an angel with her?

for you, especially as the clocks have gone back and Mum's everywhere will have had enough by the end of today.

twoluvlykids · 26/10/2008 06:53

x posted.

crap food won't help

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 06:55

My mum thinks he is "just being a boy"

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AbbaFan · 26/10/2008 06:56

Poor you - sounds like hard work.

Agree about the food, it can make a huge difference. Could you try and remove all E numbers and additives from his diet.

Then wear him out as much as possible! Does he like cycling?

bigTillyMint · 26/10/2008 06:58

You poor thing - it sounds like you are doing a great job just getting through each day It doesn't sound like just a phase, it must be very tiring.

Yes, agree with GM, amd Mooog - you should go to the GP and really state your case - it sounds like you could do with some outside support. The GP should be able to refer you on.

FWIW, my DS was (is) very full on, easily frustrated, etc, but it is getting a bit easier as he gets older. I often felt(still d at times!) like I couldn't cope.

Bloodystumperlicious · 26/10/2008 06:59

Aww, sheik, sorry you are in this situation and have to feel like this every day.

You need to try and sit your mum down and have a proper serious talk with her about how she deals with him when she has him and how you are feeling.

I only have a littley so no constructive adivce but I know lots of people on here swear by this book but not sure if it appropriate for a 3 yo.

I would definitely second the suggestion of talking to the GP to and getting referred to some ind of behaviour specialist, if not for him then for you and DP, they don't come with a hand book you know (or if they do I've lost mine and you can't be expected to know how to deal with every situation. But someone out there will know.

Hope things get better for you and that you get through this time with your jobs intact.

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 06:59

His diet at home is healthy - I don't really give him sweets. Tis my mother who does ( and she only sees him once a week)

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twoluvlykids · 26/10/2008 07:00

imo being a boy doesn't involve hitting Mum with a stick, screaming, fighting, and biting your hand.

what's his understanding of language like? bearing in mind he's not yet 4, is he able to talk about why he does these things, and can he understand why you're upset?

AbbaFan · 26/10/2008 07:03

This book explains alot about the way boy behave. It may help Here

Good luck.

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 07:04

I think he does understand, but he always turns round and says "When you shout at me mummy, I get cross and I cry"

And thus we go round in circles.

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Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 07:07

I just feel like such a failure

I don't even like my own child. That makes me a pretty shit mother IMO

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AbbaFan · 26/10/2008 07:10

Even one feels like that at some point.

Don't feel bad, you are doing everything you can to help him. That makes you a great mum.

mooog · 26/10/2008 07:22

I am not sure about this but maybe other mn's can help, but if he is avoiding eye contact,being aggresive and very disruptive,impulsive,and all the negative things you describe in your op then this sounds like something you definitely should be telling the doctor.
From the little i know about this sort of behaviour i believe even he does not like acting like this but just cant help it.
I really hope things get better for you as i am sure they will, but please give the gp a go.

mooog · 26/10/2008 07:24

It definitely is NOT anything you are doing.

gagarin · 26/10/2008 07:25

Sheik - sad as it is he knows you don't like him underneath it all. And that won't improve things.

IMO he heeds to hear positive things about himself - and maybe that's why he's better at preschool (as well as there's lots of space for a bouncy boy to bounce!).

At school IME they all tend to do the "comment on something you seen being done well" approach - like "nice colouring; good running; lovely playing; smashing building; wonderful knocking down...etc etc..."

So as hard as it seems try and say something positive to and about him every hour (make it up?!) like "haven't you got a lovely smile?"; "aren't you the fastest runner"; "you give the best big boy hugs" and similar. You will be exhausted after a day of being pleasant - but it might be worth it in the long run - try it for at least a week.

If you think about how you speak to him all day you might find from his point of view it's like being in the army - "do it now" "stop!" "don't!" - nothing but orders or questions that can't be answered "why did you do that?". If he knew why he did stuff he could prob stop himself - but he doesn't! He just does it.

And I know it's hard - but the "what you pay attention to is what you get more of" thing is very true. So try and ignore some of the little things that annoy you.

Saying don't can re-inforce behaviour - like saying to us "don't go on MN" every 5 mins would make us want to go and check! But saying "do" can help as it explains what you want from him. Like "do run as fast as you can in the park" but "do come back when you are called".

And go and find someone to let off steam to - but not your mum!

MaDAMNEDAnt · 26/10/2008 07:29

Poor you Sheiky. Like Tilly says, it sounds like you're doing a great job just getting through the day.

DD (3.9) is also v hard work (although...and i hardly dare say it...she seems to have been a bit better over the last couple of weeks). It is incredibly demoralising. I have had long periods of terror that I don't love DD, or that DS is my "favourite". It used to make me feel sick.

Like I said it seems to be a bit better at the moment, but the prospect of going to a friend's house or whatever still gives me The Fear.

Hope you find the advice and sympathy on this thread helpful. x

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 07:35

We do do the positive re-enforcement thing.

However, when I have had him bouncing off the walls for 10 hours and he has been hitting, scratching, kicking and biting me, I find it hard to keep my cool.

I just feel like everything I do is useless

OP posts:

fatzak · 26/10/2008 07:35

Can I suggest having a look at some of Sue Dengate books.

We have had a dreadful time with DS over the last year, especially since he started school. He couldn't sit still or concentrate and I began to think that we were heading down the ADHD route. I came across Sue Dengates books after searching on here and we have been following her ideas for the last three weeks. I am amazed at the change in his behaviour already and so are school! It looks like DS is sensitive to something called salicylates which are found naturally in grapes, tomatoes, oranges, raisins, apricots ..the list is endless. And what have we been giving DS to eat thinking that we are being oh so healthy? Everything on the list. Oh, and bread preservative too is a big no no too for some children.

I think its Peachy who has found this helpful too ( hello Peachy if you are reading this, I keep meaning to chat to you for some ideas!)

Just some ideas - I was reading and reading like a mad woman for some ideas to help DS when things were at the worst.

AbbaFan · 26/10/2008 07:40

great post gagarin.

Original poster

SheikYerBATi · 26/10/2008 07:41

I have spoken to HumphreyCushion a bit about this and she suggested that food could be playing a big part.

He has eczema, so I suppose that would make sense

I just don't know where to start though!!

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