I can't copw with this much longer

[SheikYerBATi]

DS1 is nearly 4.

His behaviour is v challenging. I am actually starting to really dislike and resent him

He is on the go constantly. He has been up since 4am and hasn't stopped once. He will be like a whirlwind until he eventually goes to sleep tonight (probably about 8 30)

he is destructive, aggressive, hot-tempered, he doesn't listen to me, he can't maintain eye contact with me when I try to talk to him about his behaviour, he fidgets, he is impulsive, he is reckless, he constantly makes noises and pulls faces and I honestly just wish someone would come and take him away.

He has always been high maintenance - he has never slept through the night in his nearly 4 years. He cried constantly as a baby and as a toddler was always a complete hurricane.

I can't take him anywhere because he starts playing up - we walked to the local shops yesterday - he had a tantrum after I took a stick off him because he was hitting me with it. He responded by screaming kicking and eventually he bit my hand. I started to cry in the street. I was v . But that's how I spend most days. Crying.

I really don;t want to feel resentment towards my son who is 3 yo, fgs. But I dread spending time with him. My 2 year old is missing out as well, because he isn't getting the attention he deserves because it all goes on DS1.

I have tried everything with DS1's behaviour, but it hasn't made any significant difference to him. I tried to tell my mum yesterday, but I don;t think she believes me. I just feel so alone and unsupported. DP and I are at the end of our tethers. We have a lot of pressure at work to contend with too (The company isn't looking good - we could lose our jobs) and we have a few issues with money which is hindering our ability to cope with DS1.

We are exhausted. I can't go on any more the way things are going.

Well done if you got this far

dd1 was like this, she did grow out of it at around age 7. Sounds awfully long time of total hell, but it does get better with time.

Im sorry im not much help, i guess i coped by finding ways to cope because i had to. I would of happily of got rid of her too and i definitely disliked her, but well you and i both know it isnt an option! So we just have to get on and cope the best we can.

1 suggestion would be to get him into playgroup or alike so you can get a break and spend some more time with the 2yr old?

Have you tried time-outs?

sorry, just read through thread, you do already have him in playgroup

Yes, we do time out, but all he does is kick the walls and get more upset.

i guess i was just consistent, kept on going with whatever punishments i saw fit and rewarding the good behaviour until she grew out of it.
It did feel that she has soooo much punishment to serve that she never got rewarded much.

I too felt guilty all of the time for not even liking my own daughter. But now it HAS all changed and she is a lovely girl. It just takes time.

Time out is meant to make him upset and reflect on his behaviour. Let him kick the walls and be upset

It does sound stereotypically boyish but my boy of the same age is nothing like that whatsoever. My nephews are like this though and my sister has her hands full with them...they do loads of outdoor activity with them.

However my dd was a bit difficult at this age and challenged me with 'bad' behaviour. The way I dealt with it was by heaping on love and affection as much as possible and it moved us into the positive. She has probably grown out of alot of it now but being positive, affirming and hugs and more hugs was magic for us.

Don't be hard on yourself thinking you are a shit mum...not true, you are being challenged and you are already stressed and worn out so you are having to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

It is such a catch22 they always play up when they sense you are stressed!

Most of us have seen supernanny. The child always hates the naughty step at first, then with consistency they start to just accept it.

Oh yes activity and lots of love goes a long way too!
I started my naughty dd on irish dancing at age 5 just for discipline and the challenge. So to channel her excess energy into something else other than bad behaviour. It did help, it was also something only i took her to and helped her with (as much as i could) and so strengthened bonding

yes they need boundaries (and healthy diet) but my dd responded terribly to negative parenting(punishment or my anger) and bloomed like a flower when I managed (bit by bit)to fill her up with affirmation before she managed to misbehave.

by negative parenting I don't mean 'bad' I mean when I had to respond to her bad behaviour I was struggling...catching her before that stage was the trick, but not easy.

I would agree supersillyus, the more i showed pure anger and frustration, crying shouting and complete loss of control the worse my dd would be.

If his diet is already, in the main, healthy and varied, I would also try to add some Omega oils. It won't be an instant fix necessarily but my DS definitely seemed to benefit from them when he was that age. 3/4 is a difficult age for boys at the best of times I think ...
Agree that perhaps a visit to the GP may be a good idea too

Food can be very important. I worked with Special Needs children for a while and mysister is a Special Needs specialist, plus I have ADHD too, so I know a reasonable amount about it all!!

DD1 reacts very violently (literally) to MSG but is "normal" the rest of the time. She is 5 now and has known for a year or so that she can't have it, and will double check when at other peoples houses!

The most common trigger foods (aside from "additives") are wheat (gluten) and cows milk (casein). Many children with ASD's respond to removing these from thier diet. If you do decide to try this be aware that it's not an instant fix, as it takes around two weeks for the body to detox, but it's worth a shot, and may help with his excema too.

Don't feel it's all your fault, and do seek help from your GP or HV.

See here.

Sheik, It would do no harm to take him to your GP and ask for a referral for an assessment. My DS3 was as you describe, very active, very little sleep. He would literally climb the walls and could never be left alone in a room for his own safety.
He was not diagnosed until much later; he has Asperger's Syndrome. I wish I had known at the time as at least we would have understood why he did the things he did. It is far better to find out sooner rather than later as you can then get the help you-and he-need.
There are some things in your post, such as the lack of eye contact and making faces etc, which are suggestive that he needs an assessment.

Sheik that sounds so hard, I'm sorry you feel so down at the moment. From what you are saying there is a lot going on which would affect your mood, and change the way you cope with your DS. I know if I'm a bit 'off' or whatever, I am not half as resourceful and patient as a parent.
I wonder if it is you who should go to the doctors rather than your DS, it's great that you have posted IMO because it takes courage to admit when you are having trouble. I do really hope it is helping just to get it 'out there'.
Since your mother seems to get on with your DS - albeit by feeding him crisps, perhaps you could arrange more 'me' time and let her help you more with both children. You sound as if you need a breather and time alone or with your little one in the park.
When will things be resolved with work do you think? Could you go to citizen's advice or somewhere you could get some support and advice - particularly financial.
I have a son around the age of yours and I know they can really push your buttons, particularly with roughness and ignoring. When things get on top I tend to stick him in the pram, on his running bike and head out for a walk somewhere off the beaten track, like our local cycle/foot path or along to the beach. It can still be difficult, but it's better when you walk and he has less energy.
I ended up using gentle discipline with my LO because I wanted alternatives to smacking/shouting and time outs. It's on the internet and free, so you could start today.
It gave me a set of objectives and some really useful techniques which enabled me to stay respectful to my son (not that I always manage), but the intention is there.
There are lots of techniques but the main thrust is that you talk and don't ignore and you have to always explain things in their terms - which is easy when it's all going well, but you forget or find it tricky when the pressure builds.
One site recommended a 'chill out' which involves going into a room with your child I use a darkened bedroom and staying with them until they cool down. I put my ds on the bed and stand near, but if he gets off, put him back on explaining he can go out when he has calmed down and stopped shouting and being cross. I don't stand near him to avoid being hurt and keep putting him back on the bed, telling him I don't want to talk and want to be quiet. It can take a while for him to simmer down, but I actually find being in the darkened room just standing quite therapeutic.
I'm not sure how you would deal with your other child though, unless he came in with you with some toys and stayed away from your eldest, or could watch teletubbies for 20 minutes?
Another technique is to try to relate everything the child does back to them, to help them empathise. I have noticed that my almost four year old does relate to analogies, so when he hits me I ask him how he would feel if his friend hurt him when she was playing and ask how he would feel.
The food aspect sounds as if it could help as well, you could always take away/ reintroduce one thing at a time, starting with the most obvious allergens, rather than a whole regime.
Please give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can under a very trying set of circumstances, forgive yourself for being stressed and ambivalent otherwise you will feel even worse and that won't help.
I'm struggling a bit with depression/stress at the moment and it doesn't make anything easier. I have found the book 'feel the fear' and using the emotional freedom technique (free do a google search) very helpful and simple breathing meditation. All of these help get things into perspective and make things more manageable and bearable.
Let us know how you are getting on. You don't live in Scotland do you?

There is definitely some truth in the way we speak to/treat our DC is reflected in their behaviour.

I know that when I am particularly intolerant and shouty (at least once a month!), my DS's behaviour is worse than at other times. If I talk to him in a quiet, calm, non-judgemental voice to send him for Time Out, etc, it is much more effective. It is very hard for me to do all the time though!

scarymcclary on Sun 26-Oct-08 08:02:43
"I would agree supersillyus, the more i showed pure anger and frustration, crying shouting and complete loss of control the worse my dd would be"

I have a very sensitive son, and I too have learnt the above from experience. In fact, it doesn't have to go as far as my shouting or crying; he will react very negatively to the slightest suggestion that I can't cope, even a simple 'please leave me alone for a little while' can send him into complete pestering mode and both of us into a negative spiral.

One thing that helped me, bizarrely enough, was that horrible sequence in Life of Birds where the parent birds haven't got anything to feed their chick, and the more they show him that they want him out of the way, the more he pesters. Even when they get violent with him, it just makes him pester more. (it's a really upsetting sequence, so don't go and watch it- makes me cry).

But what I do take from that is that ds isn't deliberately doing this to wind me up- if even baby birds do it it must be something deeply instinctive that is really out of his control. The difference is that I have more resources, in the shape of intelligence and reasoning, than the parent birds.

So my trick is to try not to let him know when I can't cater for him emotionally, to fake it for a bit and hope he'll feel secure enough to go away and entertain himself. I don't always pull it off- but it does help when I do.