Feel like a failure as cannot get Ds (2) to sleep without laying down with him...please tell me I am not a terrible mother....have been in tears tonight...

[ohnowhatnext]

Posteda little while ago about Ds and his new habit of throwing himself out of his cot, well took peoples advice and he now has a bed but he will not sleep in it!! Have put a duvet down next to it which he sleeps on.

Have had a few HORRENDOUS nights where DS is not going to sleep until 9 or 10 at night despite myself and dp doing everything we can to 'exhaust' him in the day and also not allowing him a nap (he had pretty much dropped a daytime nap anyway). Also he has been waking so often in the night that for sanitys sakes we have been taking it in turns to bed down next to him.

Well tonight we decided to be a bit firmer and did not 'bed down' with him but every five or ten minutes one of us would go in and without interacting pop him nack on the duvet. Well that was a complete disaster as he became increasingly 'hysterical' and in culminated in him throwing himself against the furniture and he was drenched in sweat to the point where I was really worried about his wellbeing.So yet again I layed down next to him til he dropped off. Sigh.

I have since been in ntears because I just feel like I am not doing things 'right' or maybe if I was a better or more competent mother we coulod get him off to bed in a reasonable fashion. But he is only just two and obviously the technique of consistently putting him back to bed is not going to work if he is going to physically injure himself, that just doesn't sit well with me despite what I have seen on supernanny!

Am I expecting too much? What age can you begin to implement a strict routine? I should add that he nearly threw himself over the stairgate this evening he was so worked up and we dont have the room to put one up in his doorway.

Any advice, reassurance very much appreciated.

cripes haven't read every message on this thread, but the ones i have read are sooooo good. i am in the same boat and spent lots of time feeling like poo about it. then bought the elizabeth pantley book on no cry sleep solutions for toddlers and found that i am in no way alone. a huge percentage of parents lay down with their children until they are asleep - i have obviously jsut been talking to the minority who don't. felt instantly reassured that we can't all be doing it wrong and now just get on with it!!! she'll learn in her own time. and we are double bad, because we co-sleep too!!! i just think she needs that bit of extra security that havin someone sleep by her brings and she's not even 2 and a half, so i'm more than happy to do it (most of the time!)

so much sense being talked on this thread though. brilliant

Booboobunny - co-sleeping doesn't mean you're double bad! Co-sleeping's great, and I've found it's more common than it often seems. Many people co-sleep but don't talk about it because it's seen as wrong. I only became confident to declare myself a co-sleeper recently, and we've been doing it for 3 years. I used to feel ashamed and viewed it as a 'failing'; now I see it as a parenting choice that works for us as a family.

I agree FTSB. I think the wisest advice I've heard is Dr Sears' "If you resent it, change it". We have taken ages to get the co-sleeping comfortable for all. Our solutions to various problems which have arisen include having a queensize and a single mattress pushed together on the floor with a double duvet and a single duvet to cover any sleeping configurations which may arise, a cot mattress padding one wall so that DS doesn't bash himself against it, alternative venues for sex , blackout blinds, cardie at the ready for me if it gets cold and DS is too close to pull up duvet, and a lot of good humour

I think handling the negativity of others is easier as they get older. I've always slept with DS and used to be full of self doubt when he was really small. It's definitely worked for us as a family though and feels completely natural.

One of us had to lie down with DD until she was 4. DS is on the same room and he doesn't like anyone lying with him unless he's ill or has woken up and comes in our bed after a dream. DD still says she misses us lying down with her, but is fine going to sleep on her own. We didn't push it and she just got older and more settled.

Sounds as if you are a very loving mum to me and doing a great job.

I understand about being desperate to clock off in the evening and have a bit of time to yourself though. I definitely don't believe that you are making a spoilt child by staying - I think he will be a very secure and confident little bloke as he grows up. Supernanny is dealing with extreme cases and she is there to make good telly - forget about her.

I did feel desperate for evenings but instead of fighting it I eventually accepted that our DD was happier and settled sooner if I (or DH) was there so we took it in turns and it was just part of the evening routine. Sang a lot and stroked her hair until she dropped off. Only problem was whichever of us was with her used to fall asleep too more often than not.

My Mum and Dad used to stay with me - my Dad used to sing and tickle my back. I'm not far off 40 now and parents are dead but have such cosy memories of those lovely bedtimes. You are giving the same to your lucky boy.

This thread goes to show that whatever you say on MN, there will always be people who reply "That's totally normal"

I agree with "If you don't like it, change it".

Hi All...Any top tips for getting my 3 week old to sleep independently raher than falling asleep on me?? He screams the place down when he wakes in his moses basket??

Hi All...Any top tips for getting my 3 week old to sleep independently raher than falling asleep on me?? He screams the place down when he wakes in his moses basket??

ShinySarah,

I think all 3 week olds scream the place down in moses baskets. Both mine certainly did. If it's important to you, there are loads of sleep training techniques in various books but please, please consider that your lo has been on this earth for just 21 days and just wants to be near his mummy!

Do you have anything else more important to do? Please forget the housework! You have a 3 week old baby: put your feet up, get yourself a sandwich and read a good book with your lo asleep on your shoulder and relax.

BTW I watched every single episode of Sex and the City ever on a DVD box set in the early days with DS1 on my lap.

Slinging ? Using a wrap sling you can sit more comfortable, read and relax and when you get used to it even do a few bits & pieces around the house (I never got proficient enough to do full on housework or cookery whilst slinging but at least I could relax my arms or read a book).

These are good slinging sites:

www.slingmeet.co.uk/forums/index.php

www.thebabywearer.com/

Our moses basket, cot, and pushchair all ended up given away or sold unused

Second the last two posts especially the overtired element. If they are "sensitive" sleepers, then being overtired will cause them to wake MORE in the night. Get some early nights in and you may find that the night wakings are diminished dramatically.

Often if LOs wake within the first 3 hours of going to bed - they are very overtired...

Worked wonders for me and still does with DS (4).

Oh, I posted tonnes of messages on here about dd's (2) refusal to settle until 9.30 every night.

Eventually after being adamant we weren,t going to do this, me or dp lie down next to her. She goes off in 10 mins.

Loads of people on here advised this for ages, and I just thought "No way is that going to happen...."

But it did, and i think it's great tbh. I kind of feel I am making her safe and happy as he goes to sleep. Not sure that that is being a bad mother..........

ShinySarah, I think 3 weeks is far too young to be bothered about sleep training - I fell into that trap and looking back I don't understand why I felt it was so important, probably just felt insecure/worried as first time parent. I always stuck to a bedtime routine/time and I think by six months it had all sorted itself out. But three weeks is tiny, just go with the flow for a while.

ShinySarah, I agree as 3 weeks is so young, but am guessing that it's the fact your lo goes to sleep on you that's the problem. I had that too - and at 3 months I was beside myself with exhaustion. My son would only sleep on me, and I couldn't sleep because he was literally on top of me.. he had colic and I was so desperate to comfort him that I went with it. I did the sling thing, which worked well, but at night I kept going with putting him into the moses basket once he was asleep and he was distraught every time he woke. I have a feeling if I'd snuggled him down next to me he'd have been far happier, and I'd have got far more sleep. Hope it gets a bit easier soon.

Thanks for all the tips...I'll get my sling out!!

I wish that someone had told me, first time round, that it was OK to sit there and cuddle my sleeping son. I always used to put him in his moses basket, where he'd only sleep for 10 minutes max. With the second and third babies, I did do a whole lot more sitting and cuddling and ignoring the housework (in fact, I am now a total pro at sitting and ignoring the housework ); and even when they were older and were having an afternoon nap in their bed/cot, I used to sit in front of the tv and have my own afternoon nap.