DS makes me feel claustrophic, cant breathe feel like I could lose it at any time

[isthiscommon]

Is this normal? DS who is 3 has been extra clingy today, and just wont let me have a minute to myself. Put him to bed tonight and really thought I could lose it, felt almost as if I was about to have a panic attack, couldnt breathe properly and felt generally wound up. The bedtime routine just wears me down and its the same everyday. He refuses to put his pyjamas on, refuses to brush his teeth and then when I do get him into bed to read him his 2 stories he drags it out as long as possible, wont let me turn the page, makes me repeat page after page. He then pretends he needs the toilet again (he doesnt) so we tramp back to the bathroom. I tuck him in, sing to him and then he insists I lie down under the covers with him, which makes me feel claustrophic at the best of time. I try to leave the room, he tells me he wants the light out, I turn it off then he cries for me to turn it back on. The whole routine is taking well over an hour and I just want to get downstairs for some quiet time on my own.

I see years and years of this ahead and it makes me feel hysterical, like i just cant cope with it. Its the relentlessness of it, no-one told me when I had a baby I'd be at its beck and call 24 hours a day, I thought I'd get at least a couple of hours to myself. A friend was telling me to day that she has separated with her boyfriend, and the boyfriend will have their 3 year old every weekend. My first thought was, wow! A whole weekend to yourself bliss, my second thought was maybe I should get divorced myself.... This cant be normal... Sometimes I fantasise about having to spend a couple of nights in hopsital, just so I can get away from it all. I calculate when things will get better, maybe when hes 15?

God this is so depressing, I love my son and yet just want to spend as little time with him as possible.

Is there anything in the rest of your life making you feel down?You sound maybe a little depressed? children can pick up on parent's distress and become clingy because of it.
On the other hand I do feel like shrugging off my ds's hands when they snake up my back for the 100th time that day and routine can be a grind.
Do you enjoy anything with your ds? If so can you do more of that - eg if it's easier when you go out to the park - do that more!
Can you get a regular break while a babysitter has your ds?
Can you do anything for you - what ever you like!
Sorry life feels so hard and no this is not that normal - it sounds a little extreme and I think you need to do something to addressit.

I think some councilling would help, I have not flt this way exactly but did at one stage have alot on my plate and started having panic attacks.

I went to councilling and learnt how to keep the panic attacks under control and stop them before they start and actually have not had one scince.

I'd also say perhaps change the routine - have a shower instead of a bath. Read stories downstairs - anything to make you feel less trapped and as long as it doesn't distess your ds.

Also is there any way you dh can help more with bedtime?

Second luckylady's question - he could be picking up on your stress. That's not at all to try to blame you, but I wonder if you need to get to the root of what's making you anxious, iyswim? You don't mention your partner - is he not around to help?

change your routine and stop letting him manipulate you if it gets you down so much. You don't need to let him be the boss of bedtime. But be warned if you're changing the routine it will get worse for a few days before it gets better. But it will get a whole lot better.

You need to decide on what the new routine will be and talk to him about it during the day.

So lets say tomorrow night the new routines is

bath and brush teeth
pyjamas .. no messing around, be firm or make it a competition can you get them on in 20 seconds and start a slow count?
read one story (no repeating anything) if he cries you say you'll leave .. if he continues you leave the room for a couple of mins then come back and ask him if he wants to finish story
sing him a song
turn on nightlight, kiss and go

stay outside because you'll have to scoop him up and put him back into back a load of times (no eye contact / no talking)

keep it up .. consistency is king

good luck

Loosen up a bit on the routine. Little boys often have a tendency towards obsessiveness, so regular little changes help break that. Is he really tired when you try to put him down? If not try to absolutely knacker him out during the day, then if there are any protestations they won't be so heartfelt, and any tears won't last long before he zonks. Also, remember who's boss. You're in charge, so you can't really blame the child if somethings not working out. If its bedtime its bedtime - lights out, love you, that's it!

I also find being a mum incredibly claustrophobic, especially the constant demands on my time and space. I've been really surprised that this has been one of my reactions to being a mum. I have also fantasied about being single to get some time to myself and a whole nights sleep, so you're not alone!

ds also drags out bedtime, hungry, thirsty, poo, wee, sort my bed out, tuck me in. Normally things I don't feel I can ignore.

Something that helps is the most weekends dp and I split one of days so each of us get a good chunk off to do what we want. Last week I went shopping totally guilt free, yesterday he watched the football.

could your dh put him to bed or at least help with the bedtime routine? I know that feeling of being desperate to get them to bed for some time without them. tbh though I think they do pick up on our desperation and play up though! Could you make some changes to the bedtime routine to make it all less stressful for your ds and you? A game and/or incentive to get pj's on and teeth brushed maybe? I let dd listen to music quietly after lights out to stop her getting up and down, she's 5 though. I also have to stay with ds until he goes to sleep, although am gradually distancing myself and I'm now outside his door!? Is he going to bed before he's really tired? Maybe you could put his bedtime back a bit and he may not put up such a fight! I really feel for you as I've suffered with panic attacks myself.

Dd was like this, incredibly clingy and I did feel claustrophobic at times. My Mum at this stage would actually book herself into a B&B for some rest. My salvation was going off to work for a day a week, and maybe once a year going to a conference for a few days. Also, simply leaving her with dh.

It has got better. It is not for ever.

Do you get time away from ds? I'm no earth mother and time away from the dcs leaves me recharged. Do you have a dh who's involved?

Also this clinginess will pass as your dc gets more independent. It's a testament of how much he loves you that he can't bear to be parted from you. Each stage is a phase & I think it helps to remember that...says she whose dc has just, with Sam Fisher-stealth, snuck downstairs, through the darkened kitchen to sit under the dining-room table to watch dh on Xbox unobserved.

I also have remind myself to enjoy this time - his cuddliness, his eagerness to be read to, the fact I can still lift him up are all probably on the wane.

Im sorry to hear you feel like this. I do know what you mean tho, I have days like this too when I just want to RUN as far away as possible from DS and his needs. Your bedtime routine sounds similar, any excuse to drag things out, its hard work. So possibly not uncommon to feel like this I would say. As many have said to me, 3 years is a hard and thankless age!

Things that have worked for me...firstly, bizarrely, giving into it and not trying to hurry things along. He gets more stubborn if I rush....but with the promise of a large glass of wine after and no chores etc

Getting someone else to put him to bed if at all poss, for a few days in a row for a proper break from it. No doubt you would if you could tho, so...

Sheer bribery and corruption. Find some kind of reward if he can be extra quick for you...you decide what.

But I am probably only suggesting stuff you know or have tried. But at least now you know that you aren't alone in feeling like that, it doesnt mean you aren't a good mum, quite the contrary you sound very patient. Thats my problem actually...I do patient, patient, patient, EXPLODE! Luckily, for me, it is rarely as bad the next day. I hpe tomorrow is better for you too.

I hope you can organise a break from it soon.

I'm with Twig - at three they more than understand so tell him how it's going to be and stick to it. I found the easiest way is just to walk away and no debate - if he won't put his pyjamas on, well fine - walk away and tell him to call you when he's ready. Don't get cross, just be matter of fact - this is how it is and it's not negotiable. Then apply same logic to everything.. He'll screetch and scream at first, but if you keep calm and don't give in he'll get it soon enough. When he does, obviously give him lots of praise and cuddles, so he keeps doing it. Unlike Twig I wouldn't go for the pick up/ put back thing just yet as it would maybe be too much too soon. I'd try getting the other stuff sorted, then move onto that. When you get there, tell him you'll stick around in the doorway - get yourself a large glass of wine and a good book.. If he stays in bed quiet, he can watch you and you'll stick around. If he won't, then go.

I remember feeling like this when I was a single parent and ds was 3. I had to lie down with him every bloody night until he fell asleep. This would take about 1/2 an hour, and then woe betide if I tried to sneal away before he was properly asleep.

I felt really really desperate, and remember that panicky feeling.

It does pass, ds is nearly 15 now, and I would love to cuddle him like that again . I know this is no help, but do try and take the longer view that it will pass.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Sounds to me like you have a DH - you mention getting divorced so he has to take the DCs and give you some rest - I know what you mean. My babyDS was admitted to hospital a month ago (just for the night) and it WAS like a holiday (once i had discovered he was fine of course). The docs realised what was going on at home and very kindly took a lot of time to encourage me to stay the night with DS. That made me realise how bad things had got at home. You need to get some help on board. When mine get really clingy or are more hard work than usual I find a trip outdoors takes their mind off it all and gives me some much needed space.

I definitely think they pick up on your stress at bedtime. When you've had a bad day and you just want to sit down in your own space and it seems so close but then so far away with all that playing up to deal with. Sounds like your DS is trying to call all the shot s and IMO that is just not on. I also agree with Twiglett and Smee (but I think Smee is right about not doing the pick up put down thing).

I do know what you mean as well - not all the time but my 3yo DS has days like that. He has a way of physically leaning against me that sometimes gives me that feeling too - panicky and like I just can't bear another second, even though I do adore him and we get on well. I think your DS's behaviour is quite normal, but it's upsetting you a lot. We have a pasta jar system that DS has really taken to and he will do things like put his pajamas on by himself, to get a pasta piece in the jar (we also use them for other good behaviour/achievements, and you can take one away for really bad behaviour, and when the jar is full it can be exchanged for a new toy). We also have other tricks like a flashing toothbrush that flashes for a minute and you have to brush his teeth in that time - that gets him motivated. (Got it from Tesco) Think about a few things you could do to spur him on and get him to start doing part of the process himself - it will give you another focus as well.

I think the pasta jar is an ace idea

Thanks for some very useful advice. Normally, the prospect of a glass of wine at the end of the day helps me get through the tiresome bedtime routine, but there are nights like tonight when I think I could just snap and have a breakdown. DS does pick up on this, he asked me several times if I was OK and I said yes, but mummy really wants you to be a good boy and get in to bed. I hate that he picks up on my negative feelings. I just wish that sometimes he'd get into bed without a struggle, its knowing even before I put him to bed what its going to be like. Maybe I do need to look at changing his routine.

Sometimes when I wake up and know I'll be spending the day at home with ds (I work 3 days a week) my heart sinks at the thought of the day ahead. I should treasure this time with him, soon he wont be a baby anymore. I must try harder! The counselling idea is a good one, will definitely look into it. In the meantime will try and take deep breaths when I feel panicky, have heard this works!

A lot of this sounds familiar.... except I only have an ounce of the patience that you have also have 19 month old dts and this just can't happen if I have to put all 3 to bed on my own!

Its all about getting your attention and controlling you and at the moment he really is in control.

The putting PJs on - I have this with ds, I walk away and tell him to let me know when he is ready to put them on, or he can put them on himself - this way I withdraw my attention from him and all he wants is my attention and usually works really well.

Get your dh/dp to put him to bed, say goodnight and go out for a walk at bedtime to make sure you stay out of it.

If I don't feel like reading to ds1 for hours I make up a song to sing to him, he decides what the song will be about I decide how long it will be. He will always be in the song and ends up going to sleep in the song. If he wants another I tell him this is the last one and I stick to it.

Before he gets into bed ask him again if he needs to go to the toilet, tell him its the last time, once he is in bed he is not to get out again.

If he messes around at bedtime I also tell ds that I am tired and not having fun with him anymore.

isthiscommon - I had / have that heart sinking thing too. It makes you feel awful to feel that way doesn't it? If you're open to the idea of counselling then go for it. Anything that helps you enjoy your DCs again has got to be worth all the effort I reckon. It does get easier btw - with my DD1 all I need to do is threaten to not sing her favourite song to her the next night if she gets up for phanton wees etc and it does the trick. She is 4.

Some suggestions for days with him (I'm the same, I work 3 days) - soft play where he goes in and you sit and watch with a coffee. Cinema - it is a special treat with you, yet you get to sit in a dark room and chill out If possible have a playdate or trip to the park with a friend who only has one child of a similar age - then if you're lucky they'll play together while you chat. Baking - make biscuits or fairy cakes, ice them, and give him bowls of tiny decorations and sweets to decorate them with - he spends ages over that, you have a sit down with a cup of tea. You can be in the same room and on hand, but not have to be interacting all the time. I do enjoy doing a lot of stuff with DS but I still need to build in things like this to get a bit of a break. I also tell him "It is mummy's sit down time and cup of tea" and he knows I will not play with him until my tea is all gone, so he has to amuse himself (I may set him a fun task for me to watch like making a cushion mountain or whatever).

i realy sympathise. at your stage when DD was 3 and utterly dominating my every waking (and lots of my sleeping!) moments, and i was constantly torn between her and my 18-mth-old. i used to fantasise about a minor but still significant accident befalling me so i could land up in hospital for a couple of weeks' 'respite'!!i was very anxious at the time, getting palpitations and not sleeping. it was absolutely dreadful. but we all survived it (somehow).

i second those who have said it gets better - it really does. to me it doesn't really get any more demanding and, yes, claustrophobic than the threes, in our family anyway that was our hardest time. definitely try to get away for a few hours some weekends by sharing care with your partner/whatever it takes. you need to ring-fence some time to yourself every single week. are you eating well, getting exercise, is your sleep okay?

I sympathise. I don't rally think there's anything wrong with you except that you have a very demanding dc and little or no support at home. My dd is 3 and is also a velcro child - totally welded to me, never out of my sight except for the morning TV break for me to get showered (and check out mn .

I do as a pp said at bedtime. If she won't do jammies etc I come to my pc and say let me know when you are ready. This works with a child who really wants your attention. We have a set routine of number of stories songs and of course she argues about it all the time - but I NEVER vary or I know I will it will just get worse every time. I try to limit mypart of the bedtime routine to 30 mins and dh does the preceding jammies and bathroom bit.

At a soft play, I can never sit while she goes in - I have to go in too. You might find that but if not - go for it! Some kids are just more clingy than others - dd never leaves my side, ever, and I don't think I could love anyone so much that I could enjoy that. I don't get panic attacks, but if especially if I'm feeling stressed or down I really feel I could lose it with the shere relentless claustrophobia of it.

It helps a lot to get out and be with other mums and toddlers. I also work 3 days/week and I also sometimes get that feeling. It's not that I don't want to be with her - it's that I know it's going to be relentless every-minute-of -the-day contact.

I just dont understand why ds is so clingy, he has lots of love and attention, has regular contact with other people including family members, other children at nursery etc. Infact, at nursery he is very confident and loves playing with all the other children and can spend some time playing on his own (or so nursery staff tell me. At home its a completely different story, he wont play on his own, wont be left on his own even for a minute, follows me to the toilet even and watches me while I dry my hair! I cannot pop into the garden to bring the washing in without him getting hysterical. Recently, i've found if I sit him in front of the window he will watch me from the house while I bring the washing in (a huge leap forward!).

Its overwhelmingly claustrophobic. If I sit on the sofa with a cup of tea he insists on snuggling up against me, which sounds really nice, but just makes me want to change seats so I can have a bit of space (have tried this but he follows me to the other chair). If I try and read the paper for 5 minutes he bombards me with questions "what are you doing mummy" or "why arent you talking to me". I do blame myself, obviously I have made him like this. Maybe I have given him to much attention although I thought I was just taking care of him and showing him I loved him. Hes an only child- sometimes I wonder if a sibling would help. However, dh and I have stopped trying to conceive (we have been trying for last 2 months) as I just dont think emotionally, I can take any more of this. The thought of having a clingy toddler and a newborn baby rightly requiring 24 hour attention, would I think, tip me over the edge. Mabye I'm just not cut out for motherhood, I used to enjoy spending a lot of time on my own, sometimes preferring not even to go out with friends, just so I could sit at home with a good book and glass of wine.

Oh you haven't made him like that. He's just like that. Also they are fabulous narcissists you must remember this, their desires are endless, their need for your attention never-ending.

So you have to call the shots a bit - and stick with it. You can say 'Right, I'm going to read the paper, it will take me ten minutes. That's when this hand is pointing to there. When I've done that we will do the puzzle. That's the deal'

I know how you feel. I've always liked being on my own too, and I found the constantness of young children demanding. Sometimes I'd put all mine in the car, and just stand round the back of the car for a bit. Just for some peace.

You need to decide what is reasonable and what isn't, and make sure he knows that even though you are reading the paper you still love him. Otherwise it's a vicious circle of you fending him off, and him therefore trying harder and harder to ensure he has your attention.

Make that pact with yourself too. Say - right, I'll do this and this, and then it's reasonable that I'll do this. If you make him feel secure in understanding that you always keep to your side of the deal, then he should be able to understand these negotiations.

Don't despair. It doesn't last forever! Stop the vicious circle though, it's not nice for either of you. Take control of the situation a bit.