10 year old can't sleep alone! Sorry - a bit long.

[CarofromWton]

I'm quite embarrassed admitting this but does anyone else have a child who still won't go to bed on their own at 10 years old? DD1 has always been very sensitive and has lots of fears - dogs/lifts/spiders etc and we have always done our best to give her some confidence etc. The upside is she is a high-achiever at school and has many friends.

All this greatly affects her (and our) life, the main example being that I have to take her upstairs to bed and sit in the anteroom outside her room (which btw she shares with her 4-year old sister) until she is fast asleep. This can take anything from half and hour to 3 hours each evening. Therefore I'm losing my evenings and getting very stressed about the situation which isn't improving (has been like this for approx 9 months).

You may think - well ok just leave the room and make her go to sleep on her own, but if I do leave, she becomes hysterical and begs me to stay like her life depends on it. This has got so bad in the past that it has woken up DD2 and totally stressed out the whole family. She also regularly wakes up during the night and comes into our room refusing to leave. Because I'm so desperate for sleep I often swap beds with her and she ends up with DH for the rest of the night!

She was referred to a child psychologist in January and so far we have only seen her once for the initial assessment - God knows how long it will be before the next one. In the meantime I'm feeling quite desperate and really worried that my DD will always be over-anxious in life.

Anyone else experienced this please? I can't help feeling this is all my fault and I've failed DD in some way. (DD2 is completely different - no problem at all so far).

Crazyqueen, that makes a lot of sense and is very convincing.

My experience of children's anxieties and irrational wishes is that humouring them in a nonchalant way, without paying much attention can also be quite effective. We always let our kids sleep with us in a sort of: "Sure, why not, no big deal" kind of way, and this worked for us. From outside, we probably look like the "softly, softly" sort of parents.

As I say my 3yo is often in my bed - I'm keeping it nonchalant too, tbh most nights I don't even stir!!

My ds finally learned to sleep on his own 12 months ago when he was 15! He always had sleep problems from a young age - we initially put this down to his sensory integration disorder as we were told he did not get the proper signals from his body as to where it was and need physical contact to strengthen the signals. When he was little I used to spend most of the evening trying to get him off to sleep in his own bed/room I would creep out sure he was asleep only to have him turn up in the sitting room almost before I could sit down. We eventually got used to him cuddling up with us in the sitting room and would carry him into his bed when we went to bed - for him to turn up in our room within 30 minutes to sleep with us. At 11 we felt we had to move him into his own room, so he had a double bed which allowed me to be comfortable whilst staying with him as he got to sleep - which incidentally could be up to 1.30 in the morning as by that stage he could not fall asleep before about 11. He also suffered from night terrors and the whole process of getting him off to sleep would start again if he had one of these. He also has learning difficulties.
We saw CAMHS and a sleep therapist who advocated the lock him in his room and let him scream routine, ignored the night terrors and sensory disorder issues and was rather full of his own self-satisfied importance. A counsellor who I saw for help with dealing with other issues at the time suggested a link between the sleep issues, fear of being abandoned and fear of medical procedures, to DS's need for an operation for pyloric stenosis at 20 days - doctors took him off for a 2nd intense session of trying to get blood out of him for testing when he was severely dehydrated, blood was clotting on exit due to his 2nd Vit C injection in 20 days (he was bleeding from the stomach due to a complete blockage, causing huge amounts of acid and regurgitation of all feeds). The first session was highly traumatic (I was present) and the 2nd was no doubt just as bad but without a parent to hold and comfort him (and yes, I still feel guilty for not being there!). Both the counsellor and a CAMHS psychologist agreed this was likely to have caused the later sleeping alone issues. I could not believe that this could have had such an impact at such an early age but apparently it is not an actual memory but something which causes a reactive response in similar situations.

DS started sleeping on his own out of necessity when I suffered major neuropathic pain following a vertebral fracture and was so drugged up I was out for the count within 45 minutes of taking evening meds, so unavailable to stay with DS. DS bravely announced he would take the dog to bed with him instead - and it worked! If he cannot sleep he gets the dog onto the bed with him and has the reassurance of him being there. He takes 10ml of anti-histamine nightly to help him with getting off to sleep, though I really think this is psychological now and probably not a physical help.
I sympathise hugely with any parent who has a child who really cannot sleep on their own - sometimes there is just no option but to allow the situation to continue and make the best of it you can until they find another solution to having mum there. Or get a gentle dog who doesn't mind being used as a living teddy bear and see if it works - perhaps we should have tried it much earlier!

QUOTE: "Crazyqueenofthecatladies Sat 06-Jun-15 16:00:47
Anxieties need to be gently but continuously challenged so the child can learn they are false and bear no relation to reality."

True. My 11 year taking hours and hours to sleep most nights now, but getting angry does not help,
but gentle support and listening to his (irrational) fears on getting to sleep seems way to go.

Hello, can you please say if things have improved for you?

I have an 11 years old who has been in my bedroom (twin beds) for nearly 3 years now due to utter anxiety. He screams and cries and cries until we are all exhausted, give in and stay with him. We did get him back in his room around 2 months ago, he then (impressively) went on a 5-day stay with school, one of the teachers played monsters in the woods, and he's back being freaked out by the dark again.

He won't go upstairs on his own, he can't go to sleep on his own and we are feeling like prisoners. It's caused nightly arguments, due to frustration, which is awful for my other older son too. He begs him to go to sleep but he won't. No chance to spend any adult time downstairs doing something normal like watch tv or have friends over. Quite depressed about this. Would love to hear that it got better for you, but be honest please.

I could have written everything you’ve described myself & queried hormones & puberty.

Can I ask how things are now, was there a miracle solution or did your daughter just grow out of it??

Many thanks