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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Biting your child repeatedly (on more than one occasion) because they bite you is wrong right?...

89 replies

LittleMissBliss · 07/09/2008 21:55

It just saddens me a mum that i know does this.

One occasion she left teeth marks on his arm and today she said he has a bruise on his back because she had bitten him back again. So clearly because she has to keep on biting him to show him it is wrong isn't working. Also the fact that he laughs at her when she hits (to punish), bites him or tells him off (he's only just one).

The reason she bites him is because she doesn't want him biting other children. But bites that leave marks and bruises are just awful aren't they? I'm trying to not be too judgey because d/s is still toothless at 10 months so don't have this problem. Can anyone suggest a better way to combat biting? He has nearly all his teeth so he does hurt her or who else he chooses to bite.

I would never say to her face ''you shouldn't bite your!'' child because i can't dictate her parenting style. But if you have any good tips i may be able to slip them into conversation the next time her son goes to bite another child.

Also just to put as much into the OP as possible we have very different parenting styles but very different children also. I luckily have a very placid good natured son, i know that isn't a reflection of my parenting just luck and genes. Her son has been very hard work from birth so i do feel for her as she has had a hard time.

OP posts:

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nappyaddict · 07/09/2008 22:30

ds seems to think drinks in sports bottles are beer no idea why he thinks that!

Wilkiepedia · 07/09/2008 22:30

LittleMiss - it is such a hard situation. I would either say something or just slowly back out of the friendship.

I still stand by the fact that I think telling your HV is not the way forward but that is just my opinion

Lazarou · 07/09/2008 22:30

Just tell the hv in confidence. If the baby has marks on his body she will see them anyway, but I would certainly risk a friendship over something like this. It would upset me too much. Even reading about it is upsetting, so you wouldn't be snitching.

nappyaddict · 07/09/2008 22:32

she may think everyone does it. not long ago it was a common thing to try and discourage children from pinching/biting. i wouldn't go to the hv. i would say something like are you sure you should be doing that? there's an awful lot of busybodies around that might report you since that new law came in about smacking children.

Reginaphilangy · 07/09/2008 22:35

Of course its wrong. Poor baby

Lazarou · 07/09/2008 22:35

Also, I am quite suprised that the girls mother has not said something to her. You would think she would give her some guidance.

Original poster

LittleMissBliss · 07/09/2008 22:36

I agree it is very hard. But i think so many people on here have confirmed my feeling of how wrong and cruel it is to bite a one year old. Especially hard enough to leave bruising.

The think i will tell the h/v and if she feels it's worth following up then she will do so and there will still be a mouth shaped bruise on her son back to back up my story.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 07/09/2008 22:38

lazarou - it's prob her mother who told her to do it? a lot of older relatives told me to do the same with ds.

Original poster

LittleMissBliss · 07/09/2008 22:39

I don't want to cause trouble. But a child is involved, so feel it's important that it gets sorted out.

I agree about her mother not saying anything, but she may have done the same to her children and that is why the mum involved feels that it is ok possibly..?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMissBliss · 07/09/2008 22:39

x post nappy that's what i thought.

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 07/09/2008 22:40

Biting a baby who doesn't know any better is wrong.
Letting a one-year-old gulp beer and wine is also wrong. I've let mine have a tiny taste of wine from a finger dipped in my glass, but never a gulp and never so young.
You have to do something about this 'friend' or her behaviour could escalate. If no-one says anything, that just reinforces her view that she's doing nothing wrong.

Lazarou · 07/09/2008 22:40

Blimey! Well, LMB, you seem to have your head screwed on so I'm sure you will do the right thing.

Pisha · 07/09/2008 22:41

My ds2 is 16 months and quite violent really, regularly slaps me and the other dc or hits us with things. Mostly out of excitement or just for fun it seems , sometimes out of frustration/anger. I tell him no firmly and move him away or take away his 'weapon' and I am trying to teach the other dc to say no firmly and move away and not screech and wail or worse try and retaliate. Actually I am finding ds1's retaliation much more worrying and hard to deal with, I am sure ds2 will grow out of beating me up soon enough.

He has also bitten me a couple of times. The most painful was when he was sat on my lap giving me a cuddle and just bit me on the shoulder, it actually scraped some skin off and hurt like hell! I yelped, very loudly, and plonked him on the floor immediately. He then burts into tears, I left him for a few seconds while recovered myself and then picked him up and gave him a bigcuddle as my reaction had really scared him. He has not bitten since.

I too have heard lots of people who think to bite back or hit back would stop them (I kno someone who recommended this as a method of stopping puppies biting as well as toddlers and Yuk!). I can kind of understand how you might think this would work for a toddler (not that I ever would) but on a baby its just plain stupid, not to mention cruel. Babies learn by copying, all she is doing is reinforcing that biting is what you do.

It doesn't sound like she is going to take any notice of anything you say to her, however you go about it. I think your only option really is to talk to HV.

emma1977 · 07/09/2008 22:42

Biting a child to the point of leaving marks is wrong.

If I happened to notice this pattern of bruising in my line of work on any child, the local child protection people would be getting a call.

cafebistro · 07/09/2008 22:43

My DS went through a stage of biting and also hitting which was unpleasant and embarrassing when he did it in front of people and not once did I think that biting or hitting him back would solve the problem!
By doing it back your friend is telling him that its ok to do this. She is supposed to be the adult...it's a shame she doesnt act like one.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/09/2008 22:44

I don't think quietly backing out of the friendship is going to do anything to benefit the child. That would be effectively abandoning him to his mother's craziness. I know he's not your responsibility but if someone sees a child is being regularly hurt they should try and do something about it imo.

Original poster

LittleMissBliss · 07/09/2008 22:46

Thank you for everyones posts, they have made me have a really good think. I will talk to the h/v tomo.

Thankyou lazarou.

OP posts:

frankbestfriend · 07/09/2008 22:48

Haven't read the whole thread but clearly the biting isn't working or she wouldn't have to keep doing it.

Tell the HV. He is a baby FGS, what is she thinking?
And this may be a massive assumption, but if she is doing that in public what is going on behind closed doors?

Heated · 07/09/2008 22:52

DD has been a bit chompy and we say a sharp "NO" and she's put on the floor smartish and we look or walk away - it's the sudden and withdrawal of attention that tells her its unacceptable. Although our shriek of pain can make her jump too!

I have heard about biting a biter back but can't imagine that meant leaving bite marks on your baby. It's a bit like telling a child not to hit by hitting them .

It's hard to know what to say to this woman & still retain friendship. Maybe your aghast reaction and shocked face might send it's own message. If it comes up again, a shocked "Bl00dy hell, Mary...".

Blu · 07/09/2008 22:55

A baby has no idea that biting hurts someone else.

Biting them will not help hem understand that - they simply do not have the developmental mental capability to think 'that hurts me so it must hurt her when I do it'.

Babies might get into the habit of biting because they enjoy the reaction they get.Many MN-ers have found that not reating at all, however uch it hurts, but simply putting the baby away from you f a few seconds and refusing eye contact with them is enough to stop it.

Tell her that.

But someone who hits and bites a baby sends shivers of worry down my spine.

tori32 · 07/09/2008 23:00

At just 1yr this is completely awful. It won't teach him not to bite and will probably think its a game. Saying no and putting somewhere such as a playpen without toys might be better/travel cot. He will start to connect biting with boredom iyswim. Does she stimulate him enough because sometimes it can be caused by frustration.

Skramble · 07/09/2008 23:00

Anything other than a sharp tap on the hand for any type of misbehaviour is stupid and shows a parents lack of control, it is not the way to disapline. Don't get me wrong walloped my two a few times, but not stupid enough to actually think it wa the best thing to do and was when I had lost the plot.

Biting a child back may stop the child biting bigger people, as they may learn they are the underdog, but they will still bit those that are lower in the heirarchy, as they have been shown this behaviour to be the way to deal with smaller people than themselves. Pack psycology, like dogs and wolves.

Reginaphilangy · 07/09/2008 23:04

Wow, I don't mean to sound inflammatory skramble, but do you think that a sharp tap on the hand is acceptable to a one year old?

Skramble · 07/09/2008 23:19

Ok not a one year old, forgeting how young the child in the OP is, my god at that age they won't even be walking properly yet. more your stroppy toddler, when the hand is reach for a clump of hair or a sharp object, not a sore tap, just to get attention and stop them, same a a sharp pull on a hand you may be holding when they grab something in a shop or make to run off.

likessleep · 08/09/2008 09:26

As someone with a 10 month old DS who is pinching/slapping/squeezing at EVERY opportunity, this thread has reconfirmed that I am doing the right thing, i.e. trying to ignore (and counting to 10 in my head as the pain subsides!).

DS seems most 'active' with the grabbing/pinching with my husband (to the point where every time DH goes for a cuddle, DS hits him).

Thinking about it, my DH is adamant we should be saying 'no' and that he has to learn it is naughty (in terms of saying a firm No, never hitting back . Whereas I just ignore DS when he is a bit rough. Maybe my behaviour of ignoring him is working better than my husband telling him off?

Sorry for veering off the topic (I would never condone biting a child, let alone one slightly older than my son, I am quite shocked).

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