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Original poster

What do you do when other kids are being so unkind to your child? Help?

26 replies

nellypew · 27/07/2008 22:04

8 year old DD is a very gentle, sensitive child who just wants to go out and play with all the kids in the street. But... there's one Queen Bee who is allowed to dictate who is allowed to play, and who isn't. At the moment DD is the current target for alienation . DD seems to cope with this better than me. I want to go out and tell Queen Bee EXACTLY what I think about her, and to let her have a taste of her own medicine - as a rational and reasonable intelligent woman I know this is not how I should be dealing with this, but as a mother.........well!!
Advice.....please

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RuthT · 27/07/2008 22:08

bump

bluenosesaint · 27/07/2008 22:09

Don't do it ...no matter how hard it is to resist. It doesn't help and will probably only alienate your dd further

Its really really hard and i totally sympathise (and empathise) with you.

What i try to do is give dd strategies to cope against Queen Bee's behaviour, although i have been known to say "ignore the nasty little brat, no-one likes her anyway"

disclaimer - I don't recommend that approach

harpomarx · 27/07/2008 22:11

how about inviting a couple of the other kids (without Queen Bee, obviously) round regularly? That way, dd will have her own relationship with those children and hopefully that will help to give her support if Queen Bee tries it on.

It's good that dd is coping with it - and that she still wants to go out and play, maybe it's not as big a thing to them as it seems to you?

StarlightMcKenzie · 27/07/2008 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AbbeyA · 27/07/2008 22:14

I can see the temptation but don't do it. I should take harpomarx's suggestion and bypass Queen Bee.

mylovelymonster · 27/07/2008 22:17

Invite all the kids round to play at your house, including queen bee. She'll likely behave herself a bit better as she's on your turf, and she may learn to interact more healthily?

Agree with harpomarx too about getting a couple of your DDs favourite friends round exclusively on a regular basis.

thisisyesterday · 27/07/2008 22:17

you know what I would do? get dd to invite the other children who play out there over to your house. regularly. (not necessarily all at once though)
so that she can make friends with them without the influence of QB

Original poster
nellypew · 27/07/2008 22:23

Thanks all! Yes, bluenosesaint, I've used that approach too! I'm also working on your suggestion, harpomarx. God, it's soooo hard! What am I going to be like when she starts dating and gets dumped!

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UniversallyChallenged · 27/07/2008 22:24

I hang around gardening/ cleaning out car/ whatever, but let the children know i am around. I always find children are good when the parent is around. Then when you see they are all playing together well ask if anyone wants a ice lolly, makes dd/ds a little more liked if the parent is a bit generous(even if your teeth are gritted giving one to Queen Bee )

mylovelymonster · 27/07/2008 22:25

Lovely & supportive, I imagine
Anyway that's at least two years away

harpomarx · 27/07/2008 22:28

hope it goes well, nelly - bet your dd is lovely

mrsruffallo · 27/07/2008 22:34

Stralight- Please tell me you made that up

StarlightMcKenzie · 27/07/2008 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 22:53

When I was in primary I had big problems with bullying. I was a quiet girl, like your dd, and the Queen Bee was a nebby thing who enjoyed getting the others up against me.

I decided to invite Queen Bee ONLY home to MY turf, and practice standing up to her when it was only us. It worked. Might not work for your dd, but it worked for me. I got to know Queen Bee, I learnt to stand up for myself, and she did not dare bully me in public in case I answered back, that would be humiliating for her. I was around 9-10 at the time, so slightly older than your dd.

No reason why you should give Queen Bee a reason to alienate your child further.

harpomarx · 27/07/2008 22:56

you must have been a very self-assured 9 year old QS - that sounds like a great strategy!

Original poster
nellypew · 27/07/2008 22:58

Unfortunately, what we'd REEEEEALLY like to do, and what we SHOULD do never really match up, do they? Never imagined how emotionally painful being a mum could be! I've taught children for years and given advice to parents - it all seemed so easy and straightforward to me before I had children of my own. Hormones, emotions and a big dollop of guilt put a completely different slant on things, don't they? Thanks Harpo - she is lovely!

OP posts:
Original poster
nellypew · 27/07/2008 23:00

Thanks, QS, another good idea!

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QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 23:00

I was desperate Harpo.
I was scared every day after school that the doorbell should ring, as often it would be the 4 core girls in my class headed up by Queen Bee (my teachers dd), my mum beaming happily (and naively) that I was so popular, when in reality if I did go out I would suffer hours of torment, having my head rubbed in the mud/snow whatever, while I was kicked and laughed at.

Jux · 27/07/2008 23:09

I think you should make a doll of her and stick pins in it.

Original poster
nellypew · 27/07/2008 23:11

Oh QS! How awful for you! What an incredibly smart and brave thing for a 9 year old to do!

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Original poster
nellypew · 27/07/2008 23:13

I've got the sewing machine out, Jux!

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QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 23:21

Well, kids can be cruel. And I am stronger for the experience, so no harm done! I hope your dd get it sorted!

christywhisty · 27/07/2008 23:26

Queen bee used to do this to my DD when she was about 7. She was very manipulative and could turn on the tears. I used to get so upset for DD and as it was at school i did have a word with the teacher.
I can't believe that now 3 yrs later this girl has now changed and is one of DD's best friends and they get on really well, no manipulation at all.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 23:27

Forgot to add, Queen Bee and the other 3 girls are still my friends, in fact we still hang out!

harpomarx · 27/07/2008 23:33

wow, qs, that really was a result!

(and now you have a new nickname for her )