3 yo eating habits / meal time dramas (and why is there no separate MN topic for this, surely I can't be the only one with a rubbish eater..???)

[damadilemma]

any advice for how to deal? DS is picky, eats a very limited range of things, won't try new things and gets difficult at meal times - all very normal I think. But the tricky bit is how to deal with it so that it 1. doesn't escalate into tantrums all round

1. doesn't negatively affect his food associations
2. means that he's eating enough of the right stuff
3. doesn't influence DD (6mo and a fab eater) too badly
4. doesn't create a DD good, DS bad thing around eating.

Thanks!!

few suggestions: maybe have a few little friends around for lunch. make a fuss when they or DD eats or try something different, but ignore him(sound horrible, but might work). maybe get hom involved in the cooking or setting bits out for him to constuct his own sandwiches or biscuits. my son loved building towers of cheese,tomatoes and cucumber and then seeing if it would fit into his mouth! hide the veg...sometimes work. make a list of the healthy things he eat and stick to that. also try to limit snacking or big glasses of milk or juice before a meal time.i found the more you get frustrated, the more stubborn they get, so avoid confrontation. is he jealous of your daughter and maybe using meal times to get attention? main thing,as long as he's eating it's good

thanks iarel. I'll try those. I think the jealousy thing is probably part of it, as usual it's not directly obvious, he's really sweet with her and everything but definitely been 'suffering' from the (pretty minute really) drop in attention. He's actually great with veg!! he would live off broccolli, cucumber and grapes if I let him - some kind of weird 3yo calorie counting... -it's the protein containing things that he's so bad about. I think I probably also need to completely drop the bribing/negotiating with icecream.

If his limited range is quite healthy then I wouldn't stress too much about it.
Keep offering new things. Let him see everyone else enjoying them. Let him know how different foods benefit him. Then leave it to him.

What juule said. Lots of 3 year olds have a very limited range. Provide plenty of that, offer quite closely related new stuff if he's in a receptive mood, with no stress if he refuses.

Very common also for children to eat foods in a clump. Don't think "has he had his five-a-day today?" but "hmm. Has he had a day this month where he ate nothing but apples/bananas/oranges?" I've often seen that, where it's all about protein for a day, or it's all about carbo-loading, or it's all about fish, or it's all about fruit. It's really important to listen to our bodies (with the exception of refined sugars which trick us deep sigh)

Best thing you can do is model eating lots of different good foods and enjoying it yourself. When he's ready to try new things, he will. I'm remembering how I myself grew into olives around 10 because the adults were so ecstatic about how gorgeous they were. And how I didn't grow into raw tomatoes until I was in my early 20s.

With icecream, I recommend Del Monte frozen fruit smoothies because they are at least half actual fruit, so you can provide them without thinking "oh God, it's just junk". THe strawberry and banana ones are the best of all IMO (mmm, Del Monte mango frozen smoothie... wanders off to look in the freezer...)

thanks both. all sounds very sensible. so what do we do if he flatly refuses to try something even slightly different - eg. a different make of pesto [rolls eyes], or even something that he used to like ("I don't like that any more now that I'm a big boy"). I suppose he just goes to bed hungry and we try not to make a big deal out of it? - that's what's happened the last 3 nights in a row...

Can you make lunch time the time for trying new stuff and have dinner/tea time as the familiars?

That way, if he doesn't eat lunchm then he's just hungry until dinner time rather than over night.

Definitely no bribing - as soon as main meals start being pushed to one side in favour of what might be along next, we remove puds altogether and just have fruit an hour later or something. At most, pud is a yoghurt but usually just fruit, which is offered all day anyway, so isn't a big deal.

Firstly, i'm overjoyed that cd2 is a good eater. I have a 3 year old ds that sounds very similar to yours & was dreading the thought of any further dc's being the same!
My ds has always been a tricky eater. What he does eat is 'good' food but he really just isn't bothered about eating(Why stop playing??) & any meat is def a no-go. He quite happily prepares food with me, but then it's 'no thank you'.
Eating with other playmates has never helped us, just more of a distration for him. We have resorted to bribery at times ("taste this olive & you can have a coin for your money box") & it works for him, even though he has no idea about money! (but maybe not the best advice....) Also my ds very partic about food not being mixed together & order that he eats things on his plate.
No magic answers i'm afraid but on hv advise I do now limit food times to 20-30 mins & then call it a day (to minimize frustration!)

Reading your posts damadilemma is all so familiar in my house hold for the last 18 months. My 2.6 yr old ds is a very fussy eater. It all started when he turned 1 and has got worse over time. He is very limited on what he will try. I can't get any carbs in him apart from bread & yorkshire pudding! Fish is a no go and meat is ad hoc. He won't try any veg and will only eat 2 types of fruit - mango is always a winner. I live each day as it comes and don't pressure him to eat. He is a healthy boy and growing well, hardly ever ill so he must be getting enough nutrients for the time being. I've tried everything possible and bought lots of receipe books and tried everything in the book (wasted lots of money!), nothing has budged him. Today, we had a good day.. I don't condone junk food but I fancied a mcdonalds today and bought him a happy meal, now I couldn't get anything from Mc D's that he would eat for a treat, until today. He decided to eat the whole lot. It was nice to see him eat some chicken and tuck in! But as I say, each day is a struggle and I dread evening meal time as I never know what to cook him or try on him. He might like something today but will refuse tomorrow! I've never pushed him to eat. I'm sure he does go to bed feeling hungry. I also relate alot of his bad moods to when he hasn't eaten. He gets very moody and destructive when he has gone without a couple of meals. The only reassurance I have is that I'm not the only one going through this with my child. I'm hoping we can tick over and try and not worry so much.

1. what does he actually eat?
2. does he really need to eat a more varied range of food than he already does?

If one of mine flatly refused to eat what had been offered I would have an alternative lined up.

He will eat a little breakfast and lunch most days or a combined brunch. Evening meal is always touch and go. I didn't list all the things he will eat, like cheese, milk and eggs. And yes he does need to eat a more varied diet, but until you have a very fussy eater then its hard to really understand what parents go through. He is happy (most of the time!), healthy and very lively. Food isn't top on his agenda. I have heard far worse stories about kids not eating. He eats when he is hungry and thats what really matters. I would be overjoyed to see him eat a balanced meal. And we always sit at the table as a family each day and make meal times special family time. Apart from what I do already, I just have to go with the swing. I do offer alternatives as and when I know he wants to eat.

Even though Pointydog hasn't made any statements, I agree with her.

It's unlikely your child isn't getting enough protein and I wouldn't worry too much about a child of 3 not wanting to eat pesto. It's ok to offer it, but don't be surprised when a tiny tot doesn't want strong tastes. Keep it simple; perhaps a little bit of choice eg ham or cheese. Don't insist or put pressure on him to eat, but don't offer any fun foods (ice cream, crisps, sweets etc) unless he has had a balanced meal. Don't worry too much about quantities either - put v v v v small amounts on plate and allow seconds if not enough.

Try to talk about other things at the meal table, and don't let child get up from table until he has had enough.

Great advice on this thread, and I agree with Elasticwoman about the quantity thing; make sure your expectations are low - kids this age need small amounts.

Just wanted to say, if it helps, that just keeping on putting things on the plate really might be key for you, it worked for me. If there was something I knew ds would not touch, I would still put it on the plate. He knew I wouldn't make him even try it, I'd just say "leave it if you don't want it". Eventually he kind of forgets and just picks whatever it is up and goes for it! I'm talking months and even a year or so of keeping on, not just a few weeks mind you.

Having refused Kedgeree since toddlerhood, DS I put a plate in front of ds the other week and he wolfed it down. I think NOT making a fuss helps - if there's been a big battle or lots of attention paid to a food, they must think "Kedgeree, I remember this" whereas because it wasn't even mentioned, I think it wasn't in his head as an issue really

Your ds' diet sounds pretty good to me, btw.

Just wanted to say I completely sympathise, my almost 4yo ds is also a picky eater. Although his range is limited but pretty healthy it does make it difficult on days out /at restaurants / at other people's houses etc coz I have to worry about there being something there that he will eat and often end up having to bring a packed lunch which is fine but not very practical all the time. He is also healthy and a good weight so not massively concerned, just get a bit frustrated with it sometimes (especially when I've lovingly prepared a delicious, nutricious meal only for him to turn his nose up at it) . Again, he is just not that interested in food, my 17mo dd on the other hand loves everything and will often finish his meals as well as hers! I also share your concerns about creating negative associations and comparing his eating habits with his sister's but it is very hard not to be bothered by it sometimes. BTW some very helpful suggestions on here, cheers guys.

I also totally sympathise, my dd 2.8 used to be a brilliant eater but is now very fussy, she eats quite a range of foods and they're all very healthy, so I try not to worry too much. But she won't eat a "proper" meal, anything like shepherds pie, fish pie etc she won't touch, and absolutely nothing in a sauce. She hates anything on her plate to be touching anything else. She only really likes to eat lots of bits of things eg her ideal meal would be some ham, grapes, cottage cheese, apple etc, all on separate plates (makes for a lot of washing up!!)

I try not to let it bother me but if we go out with family for a meal, or to someone else's house i feel embarrassed that she's so fussy. We went to my mum's last week and she had made bolognaise and pasta, my mum couldn't understand why she won't eat it and she thinks I shouldn't let her be fussy. But I really don't want food to become an issue and I know it's just a phase they all go through.

Dd frequently goes to bed having eaten no tea whatsoever , but then the following day will make up for it by eating loads. I don't think they have the same habit yet as we do of eating more or less the same amount at each meal.

My philosophy now is:

here's your meal, eat it don't eat it but there's nothing else, then I make a point of enthusing with ds (14 months and a great eater so far) about how yummy it is, all the while chatting to dd about other stuff.
We try not to have any dramas or tantrums even though it's so frustrating when you've spent time making something.

Try to just chill out about it, you're not alone, and as long as he's healthy that's the main thing. It won't last forever and gradually he'll start to try new things.

It sounds really sensible rony,it is a big mistake to let them make a drama or emotional issue out of food. After trial and error, I found it much better to serve up, let them eat it or not eat it but refuse to discuss it or provide alternatives. Don't give snacks.Fill up on fruit if hungry.

thanks all. this is really useful stuff. All common sense really and more or less what we were doing but good to have it confirmed. the only way is not to make a fuss (DS likes nothing better than a drama at the moment). just hard sometimes when you get 'what's this???' in disgusted tones at the sight of some grated cheese... and it's such a pain having to prepare 2 different meals and pretty much the only option in a restaurant is chips. anyway will follow your advice. What he does eat is healthy because he's not really ever been given any other choice - seems like there was a cut off point around 1 from when he has not tried anything new, so the first few months were crucial.
we are now doing baby-led weaning with DD (6mo) because I will do anything not to have another picky eater (definitely NOT going to be preparing 3 different meals), and so far she is amazing! chomping away at everything including MIL's Indian food, a joy to behold!

It is much more difficult to take a relaxed view when you are the parent because you get anxious about them eating enough of the right foods. They play on the anxiety that they pick up and dig their heels in because they know that in the end you will pathetically grateful if they manage a chocolate bar!! Try and keep your anxiety out of it and make it very matter of fact.

Abbey is right it is so hard to be relaxed - but yes it is worth it.

I have said on here before about DS when about 2, presented with a lovingly cooked lunch (had actually followed a Jamie Oliver recipe!) he sat there looking at it.....

ME: "Oh, are you waiting for it to get cooler?"
DS: "No, I'm waiting for it to get GOODER"

You really do need the patience of a saint not to get miffed when they reject things...but as you say, if they like nothing better than a drama then it's just easier all round to avoid a drama at the dinner table!

To the OP: you're not the only one! I have the same problem ever since DS1 was 10 months old (he was six this month!).

Our problem is with vegetables and fruit. Over five years we have tried:
cajoling
ignoring
threatening illness / hospitalisation
involving him in the food preparation
reward charts (these work a little!)
peer pressure (doesn't work - interesting that other children like it, but not relevant to what goes in his mouth).
anger
tears (mine and his)
hunger

As you may imagine five years has given me a lot of time to extensively test every single approach to gettign children to eat and my husband and I have really tried.
Often i cook meals which I know he won't touch but I have to keep trying.

What did work a little was when he was 4 and the doctor told him to eat better. The warning made a small improvement for a couple of months. Mostly he only wants to eat beige things he can pick up with his fingers (like chips), or pasta or cheese. Somehow he is still alive, healthy and growing.
Now its getting a fraction better thanks to those reward charts and also because I have assured him that eating vegetables is what 6 year olds do.
If I had the time again, I'd cut the threats and the tears but honestly I don't know what else I could have done except use reward charts earlier for food (only ticks never crosses for not eating).

Rony - my dd (3 yrs) is exactly like that. Won't eat a proper meal so we never all eat the same food together. Foods have to be seperate and not touching - preferably in different dishes. She'll eat 3 kinds of veg (peas, corn and beans) but is better with fruit so I try to get as much of that in as I can as snacks/puds. Puds are only fruit or yogurt.

If I put something in front of her (or heaven forbid - actually on her main plate!)that she doesn't want she will have a fit - so it's extremely hard to even attempt new foods.

It's hard to weather the judging from fellow parents at group meals sometimes, when I don't 'make her' try something or get something for her when I can see she won't eat her meal. I was a class A monstrously fussy eater as a child. My mother battled with me constantly - but I don't EVER remember giving in. I just hardly ate until I was old enough to choose food I actually liked. So I do not feel inclined to force the issue.

I really wish we could a normal meal like a family though.

My dd was a terrible eater with a very limited diet. I stopped worrying and made a deal with her that she would have on her plate the same as us. She has to try it, we won't mind if she doesn't like it. For each new food she tries she gets a star on her reward chart.
She happily does this and now loves broccoli and green beans! She actually asks for them for her tea!
Her favourite meal is still a picnic, cheese bread grapes etc and she won't eat meals at nursery so she takes packed lunch. But the improvement is great.
She eats three meals with snacks inbetween.
It does work if you don't stress, allow them to eat what they want, obviously within reason! I think it is better to do this than let them go hungry providing they aren't constantly eating junk.
Dd went through a phase when she has ready brek for her tea every day. I went with it, at least she was eating.

me too! I have a 2 year old that used to eat anyhting but has gradually started refusing allthe favourites. Now won't eat any red meat other than sausages, and no rice/pasta or anyhting like that. I cook for my 5yr old who thank goodness eats most things & give her some too - all seperately, not mixed up. If she doesn't eat it then she just gets a yoghurt. try to make sure the next day she has soemthing she likes but can never tell what this will be.

she has loads of energy & eats lots of cheese & fruit so I try not to stress too much but oh boy it is so hard. i wish she could talk then maybe I could find out what the problem is!

My theory is don't prepare an alternative, don't offer bribes and always expect them to eat what's on their plate. Don't bring out dessert unless they have finished their meal with no fuss. I also think that eating meals as a family is really important so that children are shown good examples (presuming that the adults in the household are good eaters).
My ds eats everything and always has. My dd would eat nothing but mac and cheese if it was up to her. She has always tried to be a picky eater, but I just don't let her. I don't make drama and I don't plead. You eat what is put in front of you. Period. I am an excellent cook (Italian) and before children people would fight to be invited to my dinner parties. Dd will eventually learn to appreciate most foods. And most importantly when she is older she will be thankful that she has been taught good eating habits. In the meantime, I will have to carefully ignore her dislike of whatever vegetable I am serving that day. (eg if it's broccoli, she asks for beans and if it's beans she asks for zucchini and if it's zucchini she asks for broccoli). The only food I don't force her to have is beets because it really is quite a strong weird flavor (rest of the family including ds adore them, so we're always happy for more for us).

DS is 3.5 and only eats:

Cucumber
Sausages
Oranges
Bananas
Apples
Cheese
Bread
Chicken
Crisps
Cereal
Panca kes
Malt Loaf
Spaghetti (Not the sort in tomato sauce)
Mash (only at school)
rice (only at school)
Potato Products
Burgers (but not takeaway ones)
Raisins
Melon
Yogurt
Fish Fingers
Custard

We took him to see a dietician and she said not to sweat it - she said he had enough fruit - although not any veg - and to leave it and he will gradually eat other things but to make an issue of it would make him worse.

So that is what we do - we just give him stuff that we know he will eat and every now and then he wil try something new and most of the time says he doesn;t like it.

Apparenlty at around 5 we are to make him try things as at this age he wil be more recptive and less likely to end up stopping eating all together.

It is a bit of a pain to have to give him something different to the rest of us as DD eats anything but I don't want mealtimes to become a screaming and ranting session and put him off trying new things altogether.

Oh he did eat anything until he was 18 months and had a terrible stomach bug and stopped eating anything.