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Original poster

what if i am actually just a crap mum???

42 replies

chunkypudding · 12/07/2008 20:12

just that really.

wondering if its possible i'm just rubbish at this parenting lark.

seem to be told all the time to follow my instincts but am starting to feel like maybe my instincts are not that great, and am aware that people around me feel that they would do things differently.

ds is 6months and i love him to bits but am feeling really tired and frustrated and like i have lost myself and sometimes i get really mad with him and feel terrible as it is not his fault (i would never hurt him btw)

just feel like hv's and rest of universe think i am too soft (in my heart i know thats bollix but i feel unsupported) at the same time i let ds have solids before 26 weeks as hv advised v strongly (wasn't so he'd sleep thru) and now i've read more about that i feel awful... although he was at the point where all the 'signs' were present and he could (sort of) self feed so maybe i haven't totally buggered him up...

and my mums about to start chemo and lots of my friends have moved away and although i have a lovely partner i've just had a shitty week and am so worried that i'm not a good enough mother to my lovely ds.

and i would never ever say any of this in real life as would feel like a total nutter, besides don't know who i would say it to.

sorry that was an utter utter rant but i just had to get it off my chest

shouldn't be such a misery really. just been a tough week. or i've not been up to dealing with stuff. or something.

can i have a fairy godmother please?

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DaddyJ · 12/07/2008 20:18

You know, I would guess that most of us are here
because at some point or other we felt the same way
and looked for some guidance, knowledge, advice and kind words.

So consider yourself amongst fellow crap mums and dads

Seriously, you are a top mum. The fact that you actually care, that you try and learn,
that in itself shows how fantastic you are.

And, no, you have not buggered him up!!! (sorry it made me chuckle)

Limara · 12/07/2008 20:20

Sympathies with you, it's a tough old world, and hard being a mum.

Why might you have buggered him up? Is it dangerous. My dc's are older and I have forgotten the weaning senario.

lenny101 · 12/07/2008 20:20

You fed your baby because he seemed hungry and ready..... I'd say you're doing great. Take it easy on yourself, your world has just turned upside down not least because you've just had a baby, not least because your mum's not well. Breath.... there will be better weeks. xxxxx

Kayran · 12/07/2008 20:24

Echo DaddyJ - if you care enough to care you care enough!

Shoegazer · 12/07/2008 20:24

I have felt like that sometimes too, but you sound like a fab mum to me - you are trying to do the best you can for your DS. In the face all the advice that everyone wants to give you its no wonder that sometimes it can be hard to trust our instincts.

Maybe you could make some new friends, its horrible to feel isolates, maybe some MNers live near you?

You need a little treat for yourself too. Can you go to bed with a huge big mug of hot choclate with marshmallows in and a flake? Or substitute whatever would be a treat for you

cory · 12/07/2008 20:28

About the solids thing- don't forget that those of us whose children are a few years old will all have weaned them before 26 weeks. 4 months was the recommended age to start solids until very recently. And most of our children are strong and healthy and not buggered up in any way.

Hassled · 12/07/2008 20:29

If it helps at all - I've had 4 DCs and I still don't actually feel like I know what I'm doing. All of us are just doing the best we can and hoping that it will turn out OK. As long as your DS is loved (which he very clearly is) and cared for then he will be fine, and so will you once the relentless, exhausting first few months have passed. Just try to relax and enjoy him as much as you can.

Ate · 12/07/2008 20:30

CP, sorry to read about your mum and I wish her a wonderful recovery xx

You aren't a crap mum, really you're not. There are some posters who are quite hardcore re feeding and the guidelines on here but FWIW, the only one of my children I buggered up in terms of allergies and related issues is the one with whom I followed the guidelines.

Just because one thing is said to be right (at the moment at least) doesn't mean you are lacking in instinct! That your instincts are or were wrong? Absolutely not

Ups and downs. Hold tight. Things will look up soon, it's inevitable.

StressTeddy · 12/07/2008 20:30

Oh darling you are not a crap mum. I feel like this and I say it everyone(who will listen) in real life too. I don't care. being a mum is bloody hard work and it is relentless and we all feel like we don't know what we're doing and like we are muddling through and scarring them for life and......

You are absolutely in the best company

Love to you - cosset yourself as sg suggested. Have a treat and smile about the fact that you are definitely not alone

woodstock3 · 12/07/2008 20:31

well if you're rubbish, so am i. ds started on solids at 20 weeks: the hv pointed out that 30 years ago babies regularly started at three months which was probably too early, now the advice is six months which for some is too late, and probably somewhere in the middle is about right. ds will eat absolutely anything now and is thriving, so i wouldn't worry.
your instincts are probably great and there will always be other people around you who'd do things differently -the great secret is that there is no one true way to do parenting, and lots of different approaches work just as well.
good luck for your mum with her chemo - when some of the other problems around you lift, you may find you feel like a whole lot better parent suddenly!

Original poster
chunkypudding · 12/07/2008 20:33

thanks... you lot are lovely.

its not just the solids thing, it feels like i'm suddenly not sure of any of the decisions i'm making at the moment and i wish i felt more confident.

hopefully it's just a blip, i do know i'm doing my best (sometimes that's what worries me!!)

DaddyJ glad i can still muster a chuckle-able turn of phrase! Your post made me smile. Crap mums and dads unite!

you would never believe i have an english degree. can't even be arsed with capitals...

thanks again. you all make me feel a bit less alone with it all xx

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MmeBovary · 12/07/2008 20:37

You sound like you are doing excellently! Guidelines are just that - guidelines and half the time thought up by someone with their head up their own a*se. And they change every 5 minutes. I really think parents are the best ones to judge how to manage their own children and should not get too anxious about stuff. I swear I have done everything wrong ever compared to the books but I have a really happy, healthy 4.5 year old. I swear as long as they get a lot of love and mostly eat healthy stuff you can't go too far wrong....

shatteredmumsrus · 12/07/2008 20:37

You are 1 of millions of us that have felt like this some time or another. I went thru it too and you get thru it and look back on it. I remember it was a lonely time even when I had people around me. I felt isolated and not myself.It will get better - promise xxx

MmeBovary · 12/07/2008 20:39

PS sorry to hear about your mum. You must have a lot on your plate at the moment...

Original poster
chunkypudding · 12/07/2008 21:30

thanks gain. just hope i start feeling better really soon, i hate being so bloody highly strung and it makes me worse with ds. poor little babypudding.

take it no one has a spare fairy godmother then?

i really miss being able to lean on my mum (even tho she doesn't live nearby) but she has plenty on her plate at the mo. i should be looking after her (and yes i have also been feeling like a shit daughter)

your messages are all lovely tho. nearly made me cry - the kindness of strangers...

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkypudding · 12/07/2008 21:31

again, not gain

OP posts:
PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 12/07/2008 21:39

MN IS my fairy godmother

noonki · 12/07/2008 21:51

Oh you are so not a bad Mum so are such a good one for thinking about it so much

without support we all feel like shit at times...

The weaning thing - god don't worry about that, they change the rules every few years.. all of my three had different.. you must not feed before this date then that date!. If it makes you feel any better, my incredibly healthy husband was given rusks in his bottle at ten days and was on puree at four weeks and by three months (13 weeks) on full heinz pureed meals! He is 6 foot four and apart from a broken wrist never poorly...

Start going to playgroups etc, for a few weeks in a row, then anyone you get on with invite for a coffee etc, ask your health vistor about any groups in your area,

I live miles from my family and it is really hard. I got really low after my second one and talking it through with a couple of people made it not so bad,

it is really tough at times and lonely, but you will look back and think god I worried about that, but at the time it is huge. Thinking of you

Luxmum · 13/07/2008 12:26

you're NOT a shit mum, just a tired one, there is a whole world o`f difference. I hope you get some help as you seem to have an awful lot on your plate, good luck.

juniperdewdrop · 13/07/2008 12:33

you sound like a great mum who's under a lot of stress
Can you get a student nursery nurse in to help? Some friends have done this with under 1 year olds.

Ask for as much help as you can get hun, and don't worry about the food issue. Mine had solids really early and are very healthy. I bf too and up to now no allergies and never had ear infections.

Keep posting we're all here for you x

Original poster
chunkypudding · 15/07/2008 21:18

you lot, as always, help a lot.

today however is a bit of a new low. mum's first day of chemo - she says she's fine (just had good chat) but i'm not there to look after her (she didn't say that, just how i feel)

and the last few days with ds have been sooo tough, dp had a nasty cold (and never gets ill, only falls for really evil bugs) which ds caught, so he's been miserable/waking up for bf aaaaalllll night and starting the day at stupid o'clock (tho what that has to do with a cold i have no idea...)

i am now coming down with it, feel like utter shite, swollen glands the whole shebang.

and tonight ds decided bugger it, he wasn't going to sleep, sod the bath/boob/bed routine.

ended up with me in tears and dp rocking ds to sleep in pram in kitchen. which is the only way he'll sleep in the day, but we had at least got him to be happy settling at night.

see. i am a crap mum.

maybe its just cos he's been ill. oh. and also he's teething.

and he's just woken up.

am at the end of my tether, feel utterly miserable

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 15/07/2008 21:27

Chunky - the only way to be sure you never make a wrong decision, is to make no decisions at all. If you take all the available information into consideration and make the decision that seems right at the time, you are being a good enough mum even if with hindsight you wish you'd acted differently. There are few right answers and your baby needs his own good enough mother, not some mythical perfect mother.

Sounds like you need more sleep at the moment - can you nap during the day, or get some one to take the baby for you for a short break? Don't know your circs, whether you work etc. And I hope you are eating your 5 a day and some protein.

Who mothers the mother?

Sorry to hear about your mum being ill. Fingers crossed for her treatment.

Original poster
chunkypudding · 15/07/2008 21:39

just settled him ith a big feed... the one i couldn't get into him earlier... and the lovely dinner dp cooked is still warm...

forgot to mention to top off my glumness going to drs with a lump, have appt on thurs. sure its just a cyst, have had 2 before, but the timing is a bit iffy. and recently found out am high-risk for our business insurance due to mum and grannys history with cancer.

aaaarrgh. too uch, too much, just wanna sleep for a week - or even a few hours would be nice...

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jollyjolly · 15/07/2008 21:39

Oh hun, i have days like this all the time. i've got 2 ds's 1 x 2 year old and 1 x 9 months. its especially hard when my youngest is teething and not sleeping well, and my 2 year old wears me out big time.

Its totally normal to burst into tears from the pressure, but thats ok. and a day or two of lack of routine will not make a huge difference.

You need to make sure you're well and healthy, a happy mommy is makes for a happy baby. The best thing for you to do is take some time for you. even if its just a soak in the bath with a good book. express some milk and get DP to feed him.

You are not a crap mum!!!!!!!!
you are a normal mum. Nobody ever tells you how hard a job it is, you only know once baby has arrived.
You sound like a very caring person who as a lot on her mind and needs some like minded people aroudn her to support her and reassure her that everything is going right.

Where abouts do you live??
Could you join a moms and toddelrs group? rattle and rhyme? tumble tots?

Original poster
chunkypudding · 15/07/2008 23:03

jollyjolly (and everyone else who has said it!)

i know i really really should try and get out more with him. he is fascinated by people and loves seeing other babies.

to tell the truth it is hard to leave the house at the mo. he is a bit unpredictable, i am sooo knackered, and we're now both poorly.

and i can always find excuses to not do things that i'm thinking may be a challenge!

thanks for all the messages and support.

i guess i really should go to bed now, just trying to have a bit of time with dp...

can anyone tell me if i just sound like i am reacting to difficult circumstances or if it could be pnd? can it start this late? i think its just circumstances getting on top of me but am truly worried about how frustated i get with poor ds...

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