what if i am actually just a crap mum???

[chunkypudding]

just that really.

wondering if its possible i'm just rubbish at this parenting lark.

seem to be told all the time to follow my instincts but am starting to feel like maybe my instincts are not that great, and am aware that people around me feel that they would do things differently.

ds is 6months and i love him to bits but am feeling really tired and frustrated and like i have lost myself and sometimes i get really mad with him and feel terrible as it is not his fault (i would never hurt him btw)

just feel like hv's and rest of universe think i am too soft (in my heart i know thats bollix but i feel unsupported) at the same time i let ds have solids before 26 weeks as hv advised v strongly (wasn't so he'd sleep thru) and now i've read more about that i feel awful... although he was at the point where all the 'signs' were present and he could (sort of) self feed so maybe i haven't totally buggered him up...

and my mums about to start chemo and lots of my friends have moved away and although i have a lovely partner i've just had a shitty week and am so worried that i'm not a good enough mother to my lovely ds.

and i would never ever say any of this in real life as would feel like a total nutter, besides don't know who i would say it to.

sorry that was an utter utter rant but i just had to get it off my chest

shouldn't be such a misery really. just been a tough week. or i've not been up to dealing with stuff. or something.

can i have a fairy godmother please?

"it is hard to leave the house at the mo. he is a bit unpredictable, i am sooo knackered, and we're now both poorly"

just go out - it'll make you feel less tired and a change of scenery will lift yours and your baby's spirits. No idea about circumstances or pnd but just being outside will at least help you find some perspective. And no one will notice how knackered you look!

Not sure how old your LO is but I have never been so low and miserable as when he is ill (and inevitably we are ill as well). Normal life goes out of the window, and it just seems to go on for ages.
So I suppose what I'm saying is take it easy while he's ill and then see how you are when he's better about the PND. I also have major doubts about whether I'm doing things right, but have had a lot of reassurance on MN and in RL that you don't need to be :- delete as necessary, leaving them to cry until they sleep 12 hours; never letting them in your bed; on 3 meals a day by 7 mo; stopped bf by 9mo...; just go with the flow...well I am!
So sorry to hear about your mum as well, does she have someone looking after her in RL?

Don't normally post, but wanted to respond to your question about PND.

Yes, it can start as late as this and can be triggered by other life events, eg a serious illness in a loved one.

Your feelings of "Am I doing this right?", "Other people think I am too soft." and "I find it so hard to get out of the house." ring huge bells with me from when I suffered with PND.

Ironically, getting out of the house at least once a day was the one thing that staved it off the best (alongside support from doctor/HV, including ADs). Getting out and about was made easier by meeting other mums and babies nearby. I had to force myself to go to a local group and hated it for at least 3 or 4 weeks.

Finally, I managed to chat to people, bit the bullet and suggested we go and get a coffee. Was surprised when so many people said yes and later said thank goodness someone suggested it!

Anyway, please go to your GP just to chat about it, even if you and DS are still poorly. It's hugely important not to leave it too long and 'wait and see' if you feel better after x, y or z.

Btw, you're not a crap mum!

I wonder how many people clicked on this thread. I would say absolutely loads because I think we all think it. I have also, I think, started a thread on this subject, or maybe I just thought about doing it or imagined I did it or posted on another one with a similar title. I feel like a crap mum all the time. I think I don't give her enough attention, I think I let her watch too much telly, I feel guilty about feeling relieved when I get time off from her, I feel guilty when I see her playing with my mum and she laughs ALL THE TIME and I think she doesn't laugh at all with me so I must be making her miserable. And wow, you know, 6 months is so young, they do very little at that age and give you almost nothing (which makes me a much crapper mum for having an almost 2 year old and still thinking I am a crap mum). The fact that you worry when you're doing nothing wrong means you're not a crap mum. In a year's, six month's time, you'll stop thinking about the solids thing and never think of it again because it didn't do any harm and nothing bad will ever happen because of it. Oh, by the way, you're going to love it when he starts talking to you and hugging you - it's scarily soon! You'll still feel like a crap mum, but you'll enjoy yourself so much, too.

Chunky, I haven't read your responses but I periodically feel exactly the same. I don't think I enjoyed the first few months very much and I felt totally isolated not having friends and family around. I feel a massive guilt about everything.

My advice, which I can't take myself, is to focus on what you are good at and start to relax about the other stuff. What your DS wants and needs is just someone to love him and take care of his basic needs. The rest is extras and doesn't make you good or bad, that's just what makes us different. If you had nothing but the clothes you stood up in and a cardboard box for entertainment you'd still be a great mum because you are offering love and security and that is all that matters.

Okay, its a new day, the sun is shining, my nose is streaming (!) and i feel like i have a bit more perspective than last night.

i think stealthpolarbear is completely right. All 3 of us being ill, on top of everything else, has just made the whole thing seem ridiculously hard and has thrown sleep off even more than usual.

weirdly now my cold has kicked in fully tho i feel physically rough as a badger's bottom i think mentally i feel a bit better.

of course i'm gonna have some really dodgy days. i do have quite a lot on my plate at the mo. but in the light of day no i don't think its pnd. we are usually fine at getting out and about, its only been since ds came down with cold that we haven't managed it.

i just feel a bit rubbish, and if i could just accept that its ok to do that i will be fine...

minnie3 thanks so much for your post. i have to see doc tomorrow to get lump checked out so i will mention it then. i think things will be ok tho.

sorry for the monologue, but it has helped me to get all this stuff off my chest.

am planning a nice weekend bbq for some really close friends as its my birthday and dp will do all the work cos he is lovely

and of course i'll keep worrying about mum, but this course of chemo is the last bit of treatment and she should be absolutely all clear after that. and yes she has loads of people looking after her, she is a very popular lady!

so thanks again everyone. if i can just get rid of this bloody cold and maybe get a semi-decent nights sleep then the world will seem a slightly better place!

will post what doc says about lump. as i said am sure its a cyst but am getting checked to be cautious.

xxxxx

Don't know if it helps but my dsi was started on solids at 3mos!!! He was a big hungry b/f baby and we didnt know then he had allergies, but the advice was to start him on solids to see if it settled him a bit. so don't worry. He is neary 12 now and no obvious scars.....!!!!!

Oh chunky you are having a rotton time of it by the sound of it. Everyone has days (and indeed weeks) of feeling like they are crap parents - I certainly do. Many are the nights dh came home from work to find me sobbing about what a shit mum I was because I couldnt get ds to nap, stop crying etc.

You have a lot of strain in your life at the moment. Try and be a little kinder to yourself. Guilt seems to be part and parcel of motherhood but we all need to find our ways to manage it.

Ebenes, gingernija and wasabi, those were such lovely posts!

thanks for reminding me i'm not alone! and yes ninja ds gets a lot of love tis true... something i can do!!

went to docs today am being referred for lump, tho apparently it doesn't seem 'sinister' (it wasn't sneaking around any dark alleys looking evil )

so should be fine, will be a relief anyway to get it sorted just cause there is always a niggle in the back of your mind with these things.

also spoke to gp about pnd, she thinks i'm prob just having a hard time as am a bit up against it at the mo but asked me to come back in a couple of weeks so she can assess if i'm still feeling crap. i answered all her questions honestly so i feel she got a good picture of how things are.

and mum doing really well, tho she's knackered from first chemo. she got the cashmere beanie i sent so she has lovely soft posh headgear for when the hair starts to go... she loved it, am glad about that.

still exhausted and feel rotten with this cold and ds seems to be really into chowing down throughout the early hours which is definitely affecting my sanity.

had talk with dp as he took me to drs and sat with ds while i was in there. he knows how i'm feeling and is really supportive. and he's a lovely dad... really think we'll be okay. am just used to being a pretty happy person and don't feel like myself being soooo tired and run down and grumpy all the time.

this too will pass, but can it get better soon please??!!!

sorry chaps another rambling monologue from chunky.

appointment for lump at hosp came thru this morning, for next thurs. has been pushed thru cos of family history.

know it will be fine but will be glad to get it out of the way! one less thing to stress about...

chunky - your OP could have been mine. I don't follow rules or read childcare books. I wing it mostly. And usually that's fine but sometimes I get major moments of doubt. But right now my children are being so wonderful in every way and I have a feeling that I have probably got it largely right.

I am certain you are not a crap mum. You are feeling down because of all the awful things that you've had to deal with. It will look up again soon.

Hello Chunky,

Sounds like you're coming out of a crap few days now. It's weird having a baby, the upheaval is so immense, and just when you think you're dealing with it you go and get upset all over again.

If its any consolation, I felt my absolute worst when DD was 6 months, could see no end to the baby crap, decisions to be made left right and centre and still no firm sense that I actually had my brain back, very very very very tired.

And then at around 7/8 months, I woke up one morning and realised everything was actually going quite smoothly. And then things actually started to get quite fun. Because once LO's start really doing things, moving about, babbling, eating properly, they become proper little people, and you develop a relationship that is two way, rather than you caring for a blob, whilst the rest of your life drifts off into the sunset.

Well, that's my take on it anyway. And for what it's worth, I don't think parenting is a comparative arena - you are learning to parent your child. No one elses child is like yours, although they will go through similar stages. So you are not crap, just finding your own way!

agree with Pinkveto that at this stage it seems you have had, and will have, a baby forever. But the NEXT six months herald the biggest changes, they will sit up, crawl, maybe even walk and all of a sudden you have a toddler!

I totally recognise how you've been feeling chunky; there is NOTHING so exhausting as caring for a sick baby, and inevitably you get sick as well so are least able to cope with the demands. It's awful and life just goes upside down for a week or two and feels absolutely too much to cope with.

But things always shake down again, and as has been said, the next few months will bring progress.....

Chunky - you are NOT a bad Mum - just a stressed one (which is normal), and a sad and worried one, what with everything that is happening to you and your Mum. Hang in there. Will be thinking of you next Thursday. Good Luck.

Here's the thing about guidelines - me and a very dear friend were pregnant at the same time. I followed the "Best Odds" diet religiously - she ate and drank what she wanted. She stated solids at four months - I waited until six. She made her son wear shoes so that he would keep his feet flat and walk sooner - I let our daughter prance around on tiptoe for ages. We've both got wonderful, perfectly healthy two year olds now. So much for guidelines.........

thank you thank you thank you for the reassurance. am so up and down at the mo. is good to feel like there are lots of people out there who understand - makes me feel less like a nutter...

am trying to hang on to some kind of perspective, and to believe that one day i will properly feel like 'myself' again. and get some sleep.

thanks again to all, mumsnet is a bit of a lifeline at the mo.

jillydix, its really nice to know you'll be thinking of me next thurs, haven't told anyone in rl except dp xx

No you are not a crap mother and you certainly haven't buggered him up! If it makes you feel better I weaned my dd1 at 15wks and dd2 at 13wks. DD1 is a healthy 2.6yo who has never had a stomach bug and rarely been ill. FF DD1. DO AS YOU FEEL IS RIGHT and it will be.
You have a lot going on in your life so don't beat yourself up.
If you are really tired and frustrated, why? Lack of sleep? stress about your mum? Try to think about why you are down and what could make it better- writing it down can help, in a diary/blog. Once you understand clearly what is causing you to feel this way post on here with them to get some solutions. HTH kindly.

PS I feel like this at the moment because my dd2 is 16wks and dd1 is very jealous and does horrible things to the baby, really testing me. I put her in time out. She has now started putting her teddy in time out.
When I asked how long she was leaving ted in there she replied 'too long Made me feel like a bad mother.