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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I can not go on with dd, i am ashamed to say i just can't control her.

52 replies

ScoobyDoo · 30/06/2008 15:40

DD is testing me to limits i don't even have, everyday is a MAJOR battle, my whole life is all down to how dd behaves.

She can undo her carset strap & pushchair strap now & refuses to walk holding my hand, throws herself on the floor, runs away, scream at the top of her voice & clenches her hands whilst doing it, i can't go to the shop (or i can but it is just a major stress from her screaming) i dread taken & picking ds up from school because of her, i can't do ANYTHING.

She wakes up miserable & goes all through the day being on & off misery.

I am struggling, i want to give up, i have just burst into tears to dp because i can't go on with her, she is 2.5 going on 15, she has MAJOR melt downs, she pinches, pulls my hair & kicks me, i have lost control of her.

Like dp said she should not be controlling us we should be controlling her but i have absolutly no energy i am exhausted from life.

Please help me i can't do this anymore.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RubberDuck · 30/06/2008 16:15

Home Start is a charity run by volunteers... they sit down with you and you both work out what you need the most. It might be that they play with your dd for an hour or so while you get a relaxing bath or nap. It might be that you both go out shopping together (always easier with an extra pair of hands) or go to the playground with you and dd. It might be that you just need a listening ear and reassurance that these issues are perfectly normal and you're not a crap parent - just an over-tired and over-stressed one.

I haven't used Home Start myself, but a friend has and she found it invaluable. Sometimes it's the small things that help the most.

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 30/06/2008 16:18

Thanks Rubberduck sounds good, i will see if there is someone in my area

OP posts:

keevamum · 30/06/2008 16:19

She really does sound like a carbon copy of my DD. So independent it is scary, very quick to lose her temper and the persistence she has when she wants something. However, it really can get easier.

As you yourself has said it is the combination of the terrible twos and you are just feeling overwhelmed by it all at the moment. It really isn't surprising as you are working full time too. You have all my sympathies.

As already been said take on board the comments you feel have been most helpful and really talk to your partner and get his full support before deciding together on a plan of action to tackle her behaviours. Personally I would focus on aggressive behaviours as they have the most impact but only you know your daughter and it may be that you have to tackle something else first.

Let us know what you are going through good or bad and we can help listen to support you/each other through it. My DD is 25 months so a very similar age/stage but touch wood I feel we are really coming out the other side now. However, don't feel that you are failing as a parent because I was in exactly the same position and I have come out the other side. It is just a bad patch. That's all it will get better but it takes a bit of time and perseverance and definitely pulling together with your partner.

Best of luck.

frogs · 30/06/2008 16:22

Scooby, have you stolen my dd2?

Honestly she was every bit as bad as you describe, and then some. 2.5 was the worst worst time, it gradually improved after that (though only v. slowly). She is now 4.5 and delightful most of the time, but hideous when she isn't.

It's not your parenting, either -- I had two easy-going dc first, and thought it was all down to our fabulous parenting skills. And then I had the third, who landed already hard-wired with a completely different operating system.

Oh, how we laughed. Not.

Top tip: take photos. You can do little tantrum slideshows on the 'puter to amuse yourself, with a soundtrack that doesn't consist of shrieks and howls. 'Anarchy in the UK' by the Sex Pistols is a particularly good soundtrack, though 'A Town Called Malice' by The Jam also works well. We have an ongoing joke that we'll save the best ones to put on her wedding invitations.

It does get better, truly it does, particularly as they acquire more language and you can slowly train them to express their feelings in words rather than chucking themselves on the floor screaming because you've given them the wrong colour plate, or haven't peeled their banana to the correct specification.

lizandlulu · 30/06/2008 16:24

scoobydoo. just to let you know you are really not alone in having a child like this. my dd was/is the same although she does not pinch but would kick for england. not actually at me, but just trying to get away from me.
i will follow this thread looking for hints and tips to try to be a better parent as sometimes i feel that i cant control her too.

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 30/06/2008 16:26

I now have the problem she has gone to sleep when really i should have kept her awake as she now won't go to sleep at her bedtime

I think i will leave her till about 5 then get her up & she can go to bed at 7pm.

I am off to work anyway at 6.30pm so dp can deal with dd

OP posts:

taliac · 30/06/2008 16:26

You have my wholehearted sympathy.

This is the checklist I mentally run through for DD1 when she starts acting like devilspawn:

Sleep - is she getting enough?
Food - What has she eaten lately? Too much sugar? Additives? Has she eaten enough / drunk enough today?
Attention - Have I had some quality me & dd time today?
Me - Am I tired and not paying attention? Is she trying to tell me something?

The last is more often the case than I'd like. Loads of warring lately over getting dressed until I figured out that it was because she wanted to do it herself. She wasn't being naughty, just desperate to be independent!

But also its amazing how often its not enough sleep with my DD. Though I shouldnt be surprised, I'm that way too..

aly16 · 30/06/2008 16:30

You have not failed! I am sure you are a wonderful parent but everyone has limits and i'm not surprised yours have been reached! My DD is 2 also going on 15 and is always having tantrums! Her fave word is NO and is always nasty towards me, she tells me daddy is her favourite and won't come near me if he is around! It hurts so much but I know she doesn't mean it just like your DD is just prob trying to vent her frustration as her little brain is in overdrive with so many new things each day. Don't worry and just take all the time you can to do your own thing. If someone offers to have the kids say yes then flee and get some space! xxxxx

chocolatespiders · 30/06/2008 16:31

good link rubber duck....

homestart are priceless- i know because i am a volunteer....

i hope you can move on from this i rememeber dd being like this...

she has moved on but still a bit bad, like i will say to her come here to have your milk... she says no so i say ok then and then she screams the house down because she wants it.... it seems like she likes to be the one to make the decision

MsDemeanor · 30/06/2008 16:51

I find if my daughter was really wildly, horribly difficult at that age, it was nearly always sleep, so if she wouldn't go to sleep in her bed (ha!) I'd take her out in her buggy or the car to at least get a short nap in there. Tired two year olds are EVIL!

luminous · 01/07/2008 09:28

frogs thank you - love love your idea about the pictures. A sense of humour always needed at these times. My ds right git for about 2.5 years (1-3.5)- now very much improved. Only top tips are like everyone else.

make plan with man
stick to plan

Know that dd will run the world/ afford to put you in good nursing home with this determination

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 09:38

Wow, she sounds like a normal two year old to me... willfull and a nightmare. The trick is to remember she's only two and that everything you do has an effect even though it's not immediate. The good work you do now will be worth it. My ds (now 6) at this age called me by my first name, said 'go away' all the time and was miserable from nap time to bed time....he was a fucking (so necessary) nightmare. However I only remember when I think becak to anecdotes as my mother rosy memory forgets how frustrating it was!
Go back to basics, and focus on the big stuff that's important to you and her development. If you want her in the carseat then find a Karate style strategy to get her in. Do you need her to go in the pushchair, if so same again. Ignore any tantrums, she'll soon realise they're not worth the effort.
Make sure you get a break, if not during the day then something in the evening... something just for you that you love, even if it's a trip to the cinema or an evening class. It will help put her behaviour into perspective.
Remember parenting the right way is bloody hard work but it is all worth it.

2babies2tired · 03/07/2008 23:31

As mentioned by so many others here I think your DD is a typical "terrible 2"! DS went through exactly the same thing but used to bite. I found the best thing to do was distract him rather than to get cross e.g. "oh my goodness did you just see that elephant over there, I think he was calling your name!". It also used to distract me from the embarassment of feeling like I could't control him! He then used to forget what his tantrum was about without realising that he was doing what I had asked him to do. You will come out the other end, DS is now 3 and just adorable!

Locksikas · 03/07/2008 23:43

Message withdrawn

littlemissordinary · 04/07/2008 00:17

Just a big thanks to all of you - I have been feeling exactly like ScoobyDoo lately with my DD 2.5 year old, behaving almost exactly the same. At least now I feel a bit more normal and not from Planet Worse Parent Ever.

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 04/07/2008 14:29

I use the distraction mode alot with dd & it does work sometimes.

Actually she has not been to bad the last few days, has obviously had tantrums but we have been dealing with them alot better.

I know she is being a typical 2.5 year old but at times it just gets to much, not just dd but everything else on top of the tantrums is well.

Just trying to ride through it & hope that things get maybe a little easier next year

OP posts:

lou031205 · 04/07/2008 14:38

Scooby, I will join the club. DD 2.7 year old, is very screechy, and melt-downs are frequent. It is soul destroying when they melt-down, especially in public isn't it?

I went to a picnic with friends the other day, and spent the whole time retrieving her from the men's toilets, and generally chasing her around. I left feeling demoralised & a rubbish mum.

I think that we need to start chanting "it's just a phase, it's just a phase"...

fizzbuzz · 04/07/2008 14:45

Scooby, my dd (2 next week) is just like this......You are not alone

Won't go in pram, walk at side of me, wear reins etc...just the same. FIERCELY independent. Am exhausted just like you, and she is ill today, so has been even more horrendous than normal

I know that exhausted, downtrodden feeling so well. You are not alone........

LilRedWG · 04/07/2008 14:45

Scooby - just like to second (or is it third?) the HomeStart recommendation. They are invaluable to me!

MrsTiddles · 04/07/2008 21:03

I think its very important that you stop crying, if you are doing it at all in front of her. It is a clear reaction to her tantrums and one of the things which is key to dealing with tantrums is not overtly reacting. I know its REALLY hard, but it will help.

Original poster

ScoobyDoo · 05/07/2008 14:05

Thanks for all the advice/ideas, i seem to deal with it most of the times but have days when the whole lot comes unbearable.

I don't cry in front of dd, i normally end up crying to dp so it won't have anything to do with that, my stress levels do rise though & she is probably sensing this & it makes it alot worse.

OP posts:

Collision · 05/07/2008 14:11

DS2 was the same. Such hard work. So I put him into nursery for 3 and a half days a week and went to work!

Nursery got him through the hell stage and he is now a lovely 3.7year old.

He will be starting afternoons at the school nursery in September and we can spend the mornings doing fun stuff together.

Totally recommended.

..... and he was lovely at nursery with the odd spat and, sitting quietly to get over his mood.

Now I have my lovely ds2 back!

shirleyghostman · 05/07/2008 14:16

Oh ScoobyDoo - I was in your boat when ds2 was at the terrible twos stage and sometimes it seemed like days blended into one long drawn out day. I also wished for him to suddenly be 5 so that he would be at school and away from me. Anyway the thing is to just work through it and take the advice of some of the other posts. Also from my experience, when it gets really bad (although it always seemed to be when I was out in the car, shopping or elsewhere rather than home) take time out by talking to yourself (obviously when in public say it in your head ) which helps you from getting too mad with her.

Oh and it does get easier.

keevamum · 05/07/2008 14:18

My DD2 who is like yours to a t, has just had a major meltdown in the supermarkets. It really isn't nice is it and so hard to stay relaxed especially when you have disapproving looks from others? But I know she was tired which makes it a bit easier to understand. Unfortunately her big sister wasn't quite so understanding when she rammed the trolley into her legs and pushed and screamed at her.....at least today her big sister was being so helpful which almost made up for DD2 being devil's spawn!

blackmonday · 05/07/2008 14:45

sounds exactly like my dd2 she's had me in tears loads of times. She is now 2.9 and (fingers crossed) the worst of the storm is over. I can now reason with her and she rarely has tantrums. There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it doesn't seem like it. I am soooo grateful she's changed I say a little prayer of thanks every day and life has returned to normal

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