Is husband being constantly away damaging our ds??

[cheekymonk]

Hi All
A genuine question. Dh is in navy and has been for 1o years. When DS was born he was away fro weeks at a time and this has continued until now when ds is 3.5. DS seems incredibly angry at the moment about it and genuinely upset. DH comes home at weekends and they get on well but then he goes and DS is fine at first but very demanding and difficult afterwards. I am finding the anger and frustration very hard to deal with especially on top of me missing DH too.
Tiook a day off work today to join ds on nursery trip but ds played up whole time and cried for "daddy" . I don't really know what to do as I fel that ds missing his dad is starting to damage mine and ds's relationship as I am constantly being blamed for it.
His behaviour is appaliing and worse than others of his age as I clearly saw today. Nursery nurse and GP have hinted at ADHD but his behaviour is nowhere near as bad when DH is home...
Am so unhappy...any advice?

I don't think you can blame that directly. I apologise for having only anecdotal evidence but my own dad was in the merchant navy throughout my childhood. As a result he would be away for up to 7 months at a time - he never saw me crawling, for example. You'd have to ask my mum how my behavious was affected but I do not recall feeling any resentment about his absences. I understood that he had to work and his work took him away. None of us liked it but we accepted that this is how it was.

How do you feel about your dh's absences, about being a lone parent while he is away, about managing all the things you have to cope with alone for weeks at a time? Is it possible that you are projecting your own feelings onto your ds? How does your dh feel about it? Does he have his own resentment that is influencing this?

I don't have much to suggest but my brother and I gave my dad mementos of us to take away with him - I gave him a little doll which he still has - and my dad would write to us while he was way and my brother would mark Dad's location on a world map. Perhaps these ideas aren't appropriate to your situation but maybe you could find other ways to connect your ds to his dad while they are apart (and vice-versa).

Alternatively, do you and your dh need to discuss the possibility of him changing his career?

My DH is away Mon-Fri and have 2 DSs. They seriously miss him and I think it does have a certain amount of an effect on them. HOWEVER, they are lucky to have a hard working and good dad so I am careful not to (what's the word?), make it worse by dwelling on it and excusing any bad behaviour (there is lots as with everyone) because their dad is not around all the time - they need to behave wherever their dad may be. We talk about him a lot and I make sure I say that Daddy misses and loves them and will see them in x number of sleeps.

Ours is short term - 18 months to go - and life is a marathon not a sprint, and I think they will be proud of him in the long run. If I want a role model for the DCs, then DH ain't doing too bad. I am sure it will be the same for your DS too - Dad in the navy - cooooooooool !

My only advice would to try not to be lenient on your DS because you think he may be sad because DH is not around - be as strict as you would be anyway !

hmmm. dh is away for a couple of weeks every month or so (army) but not ops at the mo. dcs are 8,6,4 and accept it is perfectly normal - occasionally we have 'i want daddy' tears etc (from youngest) but have not experienced behavioural stuff. different children do deal with it in different ways though... he is also at that sort of age where he would be pushing a few boundaries wrt behaviour - but if it is being noticed by nursery i would suspect it is more of an individual thing for your ds, rather than dh's job per se. it is possible that he is 'better' behaved when dh is home because he doesn't 'know' him as well, he would be more confident that you will love him regardless of his behaviour that he can act out his frustrations with you? that sounds awful - i didn't mean that he doesn't have a relationship with him, but if he knows he is going again he might not want to 'chance' acting up?
have nursery and gp discussed any sort of behaviour plan or parenting course with you? it sounds as though they are keeping an eye on him, and tbh the sooner a plan is drawn up the better...
try not to guilt-trip about work...

It is my Mum who constantly says it is because his dad is away etc. I try to get on with it and be positive. I say I miss daddy too to validate his feelings but always talk about when he is next home etc and never say anything like well wouldn't this better if Daddy was here etc. I do feel guilty about situation however and am guilty of trying to overcompensate. I too talk about no of sleeps until daddy is home and his photo is in ds's room.
I did a calendar the other day at dy time dh was home and he just ripped it off wall.
I just feel that whatever I do isn't good enough for ds and get pissed off with that.
We have talked about him leaving Navy but financially not best option.
Thanks both for advice x

I agree wholeheartedly with mshighwater. My dad was also in the merchant navy and I didn't see him for months and months throughout my childhood - from birth to whenever he retired - I was certainly mid 20s.

So, it's more likely to be your reaction to that.

sorry, just read your other post:

Do not feel guilty for your DH being away. It is, as you say, the best financial option right now and until another, better option comes along, it is what you have to do. My mother never apologised for my dad being away. FWIW, my dad would never have stuck a regular job... never!

I don't think validating his feelings is a good idea - if he is scared, you are telling him that he has every right to be scared, IYSWIM... Tell him that everything is going to be OK and daddy loves him and is doing the best for his family... (this is my non professional POV, though...)

Would it also be a good idea to have your DH talk to him - man to man, as it were... Tell him that he has to be a big boy and be a good boy for mummy... my dad certainly used to write to me and tell me that (I was about 3-5YO at the time)

Can they write to each other when he is away?

Writing is a great idea - I have set up an email address for the DSs - just not got round to using it yet !!

It really is a funny one though CM - it is so difficult to know what they actually feel about it. My mum says the same to me about DH being away BTW. I have learnt to ignore her now, I know the DSs are proud of him and know he loves them - and that's all circumstances can warrant for now !

Your DS may just be being 3 - i.e. a little bollox! I personally would not get drawn into discussions about ADHD at this age - way way too young.

P.S. You used the word I could not get off my tongue - over compensate. I can feel when I do it, and I KNOW they play up to it when I am over compensating (sounds a bit like your DS saying " I want Daddy" - he knows this gets you and perhaps may even get you to excuse his behaviour), if you know what I mean !!

youcannotbeserios, when i say validating his feelings, I want him to n=know it is ok and normal to miss his daddy and there is no pressure to be a "big boy" about it but I see what you mean...
Dh does talk to him a bit but not as much as me admittedly as he is away so much.
Ds could start his "writing" I guess, may try that...
Yes , ds is def a big bollox!!!
Ds def knows how to manipulate me too. had no idea you had to be so bloody tough as a parent! i thought that as long as you loved a child all was ok- SO NAIVE !!!!

My other half works away all week and has done since DS was born and I too have had times when DS is awful and mostly at me and mostly the day after DH has left as he misses him. Often he's just been foul and no mention of Daddy, but the pattern makes it kind of obvious that's the cause.
So I'd say it's deep rooted and about not having control over the things you want - ie his dad to be there all the time. Surely at 3 that's fair enough really, though obviously behaving badly because of it is something that needs sorting.
And for those who say it didn't affect them, well hey you're grown ups and long term it probably didn't. But from what you say it is affecting your lo, trouble is there's sod all you can do about it. Kids have to deal with far worse though, so you're right. It's just something to be got on with as best you can. i applaud you letting him be open about his feelings and acknowledging them. Applaud too your recognition of how manipulative kids can be. I get stuck on that one too and often still get it wrong, but then who doesn't. If it's any comfort at 4, my son's now fully okay with it. He doesn't like it, but it's just what happens. I think at 4 he's got more of a sense of time passing/ how the week's structured, so feels more secure with it. Talk to him about the bad behaviour, acknowledge he's sad about his daddy not being there, but that not being nice to you or others just isn't on. Also, could you maybe think of something lovely on the day DH goes - if he's good that day he gets to go to the park or something. I did that a lot.

• if your DS is like mine, well hopefully you haven't got long to go... !

I agree with Smee that you need to acknowledge his feelings. I think young children find it particularly difficult when a parent goes away because they don't have much of a concept of time. Its OK to be sad about it. If you love somebody and they aren't there you feel rotten, and there is nothing wrong with having that feeling. I wouldn't tell him that he needs to be a big boy for mummy. To be honest I am sure I have used this line on my own son, but I think it gives mixed messages - if everything is OK, why would he need to be anything other than a 3 year old for mummy? Having said that, if somebody (your mum?) says "Oh its because he's missing his daddy" when he behaves badly, I think its likely to increase the bad behaviour and make him feel more insecure.

Re: the calender idea, I think this is a good thing to do. (even if your DS reacted badly at first). Other ideas would be boxes to open (like an advent calender) or knots on a rope to untie - relevant as your DH is in the navy.

my dad was in the navy and dont remember missing him at all (not that i didnt look forward yo him coming home biut it was just normal for us)i think mum found it harder than us.
have just asked mum and she said my sister went through a small period of misssing him age 3 and mum gave her dads jumper to sleep with and a photo of him by her bed.
when my dh went away for 3 months when dd was 2.5 we put a world map up with a photo of her on england and then one of dh whereever he was which worked well. he also rang and talked to dd every weds which i realise may not be poss with you.
you amy wellbe at the hardest stage? at 3 your ds is old enough to know daddy is not there but not necesseraly old enough to know why./how long for? good luck

I think what they don't like is change. So mine whose father left when they are 4 are fine about it because that's their normality. It's the coming and going which unsettles them. I also don't think it's acceptable in a relationship but I realise some people can accept their wife working away in the week or husband.

you dont think whats acceptable xenia? that some people have to work away from home?

My DP is in the Navy too, My DS is unsettled the first week hes away, then goes back to normal, but if i show him a picture of daddy, he gets mad. When DP came back from the Gulf the poor lad was so angry, for 2 days we had hell, he wouldnt go near him, screamed and clung to me for dear life. Hes 2.4 and im dreading DP going back to the Gulf in July.

my dh is going away soon, is normally away for 4 months at a time. Ds is nearly 2 and adores his daddy, I think its going to be very difficult.

I agree smee at 3, he has got the "right" to be angry and frustrated and it is only me he can feel safe enough to vent feelings at.I just find it hard to keep taking it and have really felt like withdrawing from ds the last couple of days as he makes it so clear that it is not me he wants. I know however, I have to rise above this, I am the adult etc etc and he is allowed to be angry.
DS very much wants the world to run his way and I know that he hates not being in control as you say.
Time is an issue, he understands some concept of time but not the idea of a week or fortnight etc. I think the coming/going is unsettling him like you say Xenia and do wonder if he would handle a cleaner break bettter but surely the more time together the better, too??
Thnaks madameplatypus for your kind comments.
I mean what about mums whose dads just walk out or only come in childs life when they feel it?? I realise there are much worse scenarios but it is about what "your" childs normality is, I guess.
I also notice some people seem surprised by ds missing his daddy so much...
I just run out of explanations sometimes.
Dh is leaving the Navy Jan 2010 if I keep it together that long!!!

I feel for you poshtottie. The anticipation is awful too, isn't it?
I too am interested in what aspect is unacceptable, Xenia. Dads working away in general or the coming/going?? (DH could choose to say away the 3 months if he thought it would be easier)

cheekymonkey, yes it is, we are already on countdown. DH has been home on leave for 3 months and we get used to him been home. DS is such a daddys boy which makes it worse.

I think parents should stay near their children adn go on the dole or take lower paid work or different work with less chance to be promoted ratherthan live apart from their husbands or wives. I also think women and men shouldn't marry a partner who will be away from them for along periods as it does not aid family harmony and nor is it good for children or relationships between husband and wife.

Xenia, unfortunately it is not in our ethos to go on the dole. We have just spent three months together and had a wonderful time. We have probably spent more quality time together as a family than parents who have full-time jobs. Actually when I met dh I thought it was a bonus he worked away

DH father also was at sea for months at a time. His parents have been married for 45 years and they are all such a close family.

oh dear, Xenia...

eerrrm is this the same xenia who tells people they shouldn't have children they can't afford???? i do remember a comment about marrying someone who didn't earn much.... still pissed off at the comments you made on the step-parent forum.

hijack over

if my other half went on the dole, he wouldnt be the partner or dad we know and love, he lives for us, but also for fighting for his country. Poshtottie is right about the quality time too, armed forces get alot of leave.