Is husband being constantly away damaging our ds??

[cheekymonk]

Hi All
A genuine question. Dh is in navy and has been for 1o years. When DS was born he was away fro weeks at a time and this has continued until now when ds is 3.5. DS seems incredibly angry at the moment about it and genuinely upset. DH comes home at weekends and they get on well but then he goes and DS is fine at first but very demanding and difficult afterwards. I am finding the anger and frustration very hard to deal with especially on top of me missing DH too.
Tiook a day off work today to join ds on nursery trip but ds played up whole time and cried for "daddy" . I don't really know what to do as I fel that ds missing his dad is starting to damage mine and ds's relationship as I am constantly being blamed for it.
His behaviour is appaliing and worse than others of his age as I clearly saw today. Nursery nurse and GP have hinted at ADHD but his behaviour is nowhere near as bad when DH is home...
Am so unhappy...any advice?

Really, Xenia?? I guess my dh working away for long periods is why I've only been married for 35years. What poppycock you spout sometimes.

To the OP, don't blame yourself or dh. As you'll so often hear, I'm sure, your ds is probably just 'going through a phase'. If it wasn't this, it would probably be soemthing else! It can be wearing to constantly bear the brunt of such behaviour, but if you can stay a little bit detached from it, that can help you stay calm. Also, although I'm not really a 'routines' person, I think having a familiar routine at this age is of benefit. And finally, don't forget to plan in some little treats for yourself while dh is away. My secret vice was a Mars Bars after the dc were in bed.

just HAD to jump in again. dh is about to leave the army having served his time - we've been married for plenty long enough and have 3 children which we support ourselves. go on the dole because he works away from home? what absolute rot you talk xenia. it's that attitude that's bankrupting the country, not gordon flipping brown.
bah.
(sorry, will go now)

sorry if you thought it was me who seemed surprised that your ds missed his dad. not surprised at all. just saying that dont worry aboutit affecting him long term i think?
xenia, personally i think it would be totally wrong for an able bodied capable person (as armed forces people would be) to go on the dole to be with their children more. it would never have crossed my family's mind. my parents have been together 35 years and have the strongest marriage i know.
It would be a very weak/ inexperienced armed forces we had if people left as soon as they had children/ got married? when should these people leave? after a first date?! anyway, i digress ...............

Blimey xenia, you have a right to your opinion, but do you live in the real world?! You're basically saying nobody in the forces/ sales people who travel/ even politicians stuck in Westminster all week (+ all manner of other workers) should ever have children.

• cheekymonk, DS takes it out on you because he can, it's really not because he loves you less. If anything he loves you more I'd say. Dad's special because he's not around so much and probably let's face it doesn't do as much of the day to day mundane stuff when he is. Hard to do, but the unconditional love of you being his constant is what he needs. It's what mum's do and need to do, and with you it's even more so with his dad being away. I have suffered the kicks and tantrums, so honestly wholly understand. He loves you is all and he'll grow into someone fantastic if you can love him even more now to get him through this.

I really feel for you cheeky monk. My dh is away frequently travelling for work (two or three nights a week usually) but not as much as yours obviously, but even with that dd (who is very much a daddy's girl) finds it very unsettling.

I agree with Xenia when she says that change is what they dislike because when dh is going away regularly dd finds it less hard than now when dh has been at home for two weeks but is now back on the road (if that makes sense).

It's bad enough feeling like you are lumbered with all the childcare but then you get to deal with the emotional fall-out too which can really get you down.

In the early days, I tended to make the mistake of over-compensating for dd's distress and let her get away with poor behaviour because I felt guilty about her father's absence. I soon learnt that that wasn't the way to go and she and I are both happier with firmer boundaries ...

Agree with Suedonim about treating yourself well and giving yourself special moments to look forward to and perhaps you and your ds could sit down together and draw a big picture of your dh or design a frame for a photo of him - draw his ship etc - and pin it up above your ds's bed. At least that would provide an outlet for his feelings ...or how about an "advent" calendar type thing to tick off the days until your dh returns .. that way your ds may feel that he has a bit more control over the situation and the comings and goings are not so arbitrary (in his eyes)

Good luck with it - it's tough ...x

bah.
reasons for leaving last job? 'wanted a different lifestyle and someone else to pay for it.'
doesn't cut it when you're signing on.

LOL Xenia - my uncle had a saying about couples "Too much togetherness is not a good thing".

Being apart some of the time is actually really good for lots of couples and families. I'd go spare without a breather from time to time (only 10 days until I get three weeks away on my own ).

Thank you all for your supportive comments.
I find it hard to understand your point of view Xenia, as we are proud of dh defending his country and having such a worthwhile job. Dh is proud of being in the Navy; despite numerous setbacks he has been loyal to them. It just is incredibly hard to live with. I found your post emotional Smee and right, too. I do need to be there for ds to get him through this difficult time. All I want at the end of the day is for ds to be ahappy, well balanced and well rounded person who is able to cope with but also enjoy life...to do that I have to give him unconditional love and support, I know that.
Thank you all for reminding me of why I had a baby in the first place. I mean that (it sounds sarky!)Family means everything and the absence is not forever xx

I wouldn't like it. It's the change more than the routine that is also the problem. If you know your mother (or father) will be away Tues - Thursday working in London and that's your pattern the child finds that easier to cope with than if sometimes people are here and sometimes not and isn't it always so dreadfully sexist as usually the women lumbered with all the dull stuff at home - like being a single parent but without the advantages really.

But change is good for people - it's like crossword puzzles, sudoku and travelling - keeps the brain nimble and fit and creating new connections.

Most women I know love a few days at home on their own with no DH/DP - lots of early nights and easy meals and then they feel all rested and happy when they see him again

My DH is also in the merchant navy and goes away for between 5-8 weeks at a time, he's just gone today actually. My DS is 3.5 yrs and it is becoming harder lately. I try to say to him 'It's sad that Daddy's gone back to his ship but we've got this and that to look forward to and then after that Daddy will be home'. We're lucky in that DH is home for the same amount of time that he is away so in the long run he actually gets more quality time with DS than a father who works long hours even if they come home every night.

Yes my dad worked nights, had 2 jobs and had very little time with us as children but when dh is here, he does spend a lot of time with ds and is very hands on. We do everything as a family when dh is home because we want to make the most of our time together.
Surely it must be more damaging to a child to have a dad that is there in person but clearly would rather be elsewhere than a dad who is away but wants to be home IYSWIM.
Yes I do sometimes feel like a single parent without the advantages of close knit family/friends network, lower bills, more help with childcare costs, possible benefits etc but then I know dh is coming home and can explain this rather than a loser of a dad who doesn't want to know/deceased partner etc etc. I do not see being a lone parent as an easy option in any way shape or form.

Haven't read the thread.......

My DP worked in London for 10 years. I had DD and 4 years ago DTs.

Its been hard. But I can't say damaging to our children in the slightest.

He has changed career now and works from home. Again, it has its stresses but not damaging to anyone.

What else is going on? It can't be only his being away that is making things difficult.

I have a 3.5yr old boy who shouts for daddy when he's fed up with me disciplining him........... thats no big worry, thats normal xxxx.

i have a friend in this situation, her dp has just got a posting where he can be home because they have found it so hard (and their youngest is six). it IS tough, it is not surprising he's finding it hard, nad it's not surprising you are. if it is only til jan 2010, you should be able to hold out. isnt there an armed forces group thingy on here? might find some usefu practical advice on that. good luck

lol xenia - the change becomes the routine. and it only becomes 'sexist' if you let it. i spent enough time in uniform myself (and still do on and off) to smash that notion in two. and i give him plenty of opportunity to bond with the dcs when i go off to work overnight. when dh goes away, we build them up to it, and they always know when he's coming back. same when i go. it's not threatening, or scary, or confusing, because their routine stays exactly the same.
dh is away at the mo actually - only for ten days this time. i think it can be a little distressing in the v early years (mostly because that's when mummies tend to feel it most as well) but dcs generally cope very well. actually, mine love it at the mo, because when he comes back he brings donuts he's the most popular man in the house lol.