As a parent, what is your gut feeling about nature/nurture?

[deanychip]

Dont know if you have read any of my recent posts, but i had a HUGE falling out with my sis recently.

she insists that my boy is the way he is because of me and my parenting.
i am adamant that it is 90% personality, 10% my parenting.

what do you think about this based on your experience?

Interesting question... I think two children treated exactly the same can turn out completely different. I know identical twins who can be uncannily alike and yet totally different (one of them is my dh!). If I had to give you a percentage I would say it's 50/50.

I think it's 70-30 in favour of nature

I go for nature. I thought before I had DCs that they were a blank sheet, but mine had strong personalities from day 1.
For example DS1 moved his arms continually in the womb (he didn't kick much)and the midwife insisted that babies liked to be wrapped securely-he went almost blue in the face with the effort but he got his hands free!!
I have loved it when friends have had a very well behaved, conforming first DC and have had a very superior attitude because they put it down to parenting. They then have 2nd DC, use the same methods and 2nd DC is a nightmare to them!!

50/50

Everyone knows a family where all the children are impeccably behaved bar one voilent and nasty little shite, it can't all be nurture.

And if it's all nurture, why do all babies behave differently from birth? You'd think if it was all nurture, they'd all be the same.

Def mainly nature. My twin girls are completely different and they have obviously been parented identically. One is a stroppy stampy little madam who is immensely hard work and the other is a chilled laid back go with the flow type of kid.

I would agree with mrsruffallo's percentage.

I think if your child is well behaved you will say nurture and if badly behaved you will say nature

I think every child is born with an inate temperament feisty, strong willed, adventure seeking, shy, laid back, sensitive etc. etc.

Values and morals are down to nurthure though, empathy and kindness develop through loving care. A very badly behaved child can still be very affectionate and empathic!

early life protective factors CAN massively influence a childs development and resilience. But you often find some kids with pretty awful starts in life (neglect, hostile critical parents) are amazingly resilient and turn out ok despite everything. Equally some kids with warm and sensitive parenting can sometimes "go off the rails". I see this a lot in CAMHS and it's very interesting.

We can all do our best to promote resilience though and that's never a bad thing

Also agree with mrsruffalo. I am so different from my brother, you could never imagine we are related. I am very independent and strong-willed, he is the opposite.

SPOT ON Darthvader! that is why my sis says what she says LOL!

i am 1 of 4.
me and my bro are laid back and peace loving, my 2 sisters though are mad as rats, very feisty and strong willed.
we were all brought up the same way, same experiences same mad parents.....

I love this nature nurture devate! Its something that i have researched alot when studying and am still interested in it now.
Im more in favour of NURTURE than Nature although both obviously play a part. Its the only way i can account for my DS (who is not my DHs). DS acts and sounds like DH and is starting to look like him too!

No idea. But can assert all 4 of mine have very different personalities. We have the 'typical-meets-milestones-on-time-has-normal-age-appropriate-tantrums-but-nothing-too-bad-and-lovely -around-others' eldest DS.

Eldest DD is COMPLETELY laid-back, very quiet, listens like a dream, has always been easy to feed/put to sleep/socialize, etc.

Second DD is a stroppy madam, always been hard to feed, has the same thing in her lunch every day and will go NUTS if it's different (down to spoon colour for yoghurt), reacts strongly to changes in routine, very high-spirited, all that.

Last DS is lovely at the minute but who knows what will happen.

And the 5th will occasionally kick (in utero at the minute!) but very softly, not like the others, almost like he/she is saying "can i say something too?"

I'm studying genes at the moment!

My own feeling and observation so far (dd 8) is that environment will either encourage or discourage aspects of behaviour for which an individual is genetically programmed to be susceptible to iyswim. So genes are the basic cake sponge and you do the cooking and decorating. Does that make sense?

well it's always going to be a mix of both isn't it. I think for some people the nature will play a bigger part in shaping them, and for others nurture will, but it is always a mix of both.

cakes ALWAYS make sense to me!

hmm. i am not shirking responsibility for the way my child has turned out so fr.
i do accept that i have moulded him, however he is the way he is. he is more susceptable to the wrong path. I lead him back and teach him thaat he has other options.
i love that he has imagination and i openly encourage it.

can be misinterpreted as distructive/messy/non respectful/out of control by arses with their own heads shoved up there i can see that now (!) am still mad at sis can you tell...?

siblings, even identical twins, are never brought up in exactly the same way, nurture will be different for each of them.

Message withdrawn

I take it by 'structure of your brain' you mean genes

I'm quite strongly in the nuture camp (apart from particular inherited conditions). My understanding is that there are very few genes which relate to personality/character as most relate to physical traits.

As for how siblings turn out so differently I have been persuaded by Oliver James' book 'They f**k you up' that parents actually treat each child differently (not necessarily treating one better than the other, but ascribing particular roles etc to them).

I can't say this makes me feel particularly comfortable as have a 2 and a half year old and am expecting a second in 3 months. Parenting seems quite enough responsibility without this as well

ovenchips, the book you quoted by Oliver James says it is almost all nurture. I believe he overstates the case and it is not a particularly well-referenced book. He likes a bit of a rant and is not entirely objective. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

Agree with peacelily.

I always thought nuture till mu dd was born , I've changed my mind and shes only 7 months!

She not only looks exactly like me but she has my personality, she's got a temper and is stroppy.
Everyone that knows us says she's inherited everything from me! I do feel sorry for dp, having two like of us like it!

I agree nuture plays it part but I think you have to work with what your born with, you can't change who you are.

We're just hoping the next work takes after dp!

If you assign it percentages, I think that suggests the picture is a static one - ie, that you are only going to do have, eg, a 10% effect - which I think underestimates the huge power that parenting/intervention/interraction etc. can have.

Just think of the different teachers a child has - and how that child "blossoms" for one & doesn't (or regresses) for another.

I think the real skill, challenge & what-makes-it-interesting of parenting is finding the route to a particular child's nature (which, of course, I agree is to a huge extent inborn) and working with that nature to develop it & make it the best it can. Some natures are very very easy to reach & bring out (like my dd, who I think of as like - grass, or cress, or some other kind of easy-growing lush tolerant plant which gets on with the job pretty much whatever the conditions); some are really quite difficult (like my ds, who is most definitely not grass/cress/anything else easy).

But every child can be reached & helped.

Mostly nurture.

My two DSs are completely different (so far!- 2nd only 7mth old), but DS2 yells loudly for attention, is far more vocal, already stands up for himself, is more 'grabby', will therefore I think grow into a louder and perhaps(?) more boystrous little boy than his (sometimes over-)sensitive older brother.... and the reason is?, well, clearly, he needs to be loud to be heard.
Otherwise, he is so laid back and smiley, we would end up leaving him playing with spoons on the carpet for hours!! (!)

65-35 in favour of nurture I'd say