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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

please advise ASAP - DS seems to be self punishing

32 replies

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 08:56

DS is 22 months and a very very good boy who is so sweet. He is hitting himself in the face repeatedly as some sort of self punishment though I dont know why. Of course we never hit him!!!!!! Or each other. He doesnt see it ever. We never say he is naughty or anything we do nothing but try to make him feel good about himself. DH and I are so upset that he seems to want to hurt himself. He makes this weird noise when he does it too, like a engine revving up or something. What do I do? I keep saying "no do not hit Alex, Alex is precious" and he will repeat what I have just said then hit himself again.

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Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:00

just so you all know I plan on shamelessly bumping til I get a solution I am genuinely upset DS seems to feel so bad about himself.

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Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:06

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no1putsbabyinthecorner · 14/06/2008 09:07

This must be very distressing to see
Sorry have no advice really just wanted to keep it going in active convo for you.
Hopefully someone will come along with some advice for you.
x

RubySlippers · 14/06/2008 09:07

DS pinches himself sometimes

i think they are just "testing" what it feels like and isn;t anything to do with punishing

Flightybitchreturns · 14/06/2008 09:08

Eeny I am so sorry about this. I haven't any advice but someone will I'm sure - just helping you bump so you know we're listeniong x

tiredandnowty · 14/06/2008 09:09

Not got any advice at all I'm afraid, but wanted to let you know that my DD 23 months does exactly the same thing. She hits her face and pulls her hair. Again, she has not seen any of this kind of behaviour at home and I can't imagine she sees it at the childminders (60 yr female with adult daughter living at home, no husband, no other mindees etc) !
Sure someone wise will come along with a reason or solution for us soon !!

Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:10

thanks very very much for keeping the thread going! It's much appreciated.

There is a history of mental illness in our family and he is such a bright sunny happy boy but this traight to hit himself in the face is so sad.

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Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:12

I am sure its a normal toddler thing but he is just so emotional it scares me.

Can we all make a pact to keep this bumped til someone with more experience comes along? [pleading emoticon]

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RubySlippers · 14/06/2008 09:12

there is a reason

they are exploring themselves and the world around them

toddlers of this age are utterly instinctive and they do things just "because"

you are transferring some of your feelings to his behvaiour as you interpret hitting as punishing, but your LO has no concept of this

it is just another aspect to his developement

i am sorry it is upsetting you, but like everything else it is something which will pass

Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:14

thank you ruby - taking what you say on board.

Also I feel I should point out (I started a thread about this last week) he keeps crying "mama help" all the time. And I am always with him and always try to help but it makes me sad.

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Flightybitchreturns · 14/06/2008 09:16

bump x

EffiePerine · 14/06/2008 09:17

I think some of it is frustration: DS (20mo) hits himself, or bashes his head (being careful not to do it too hard ). I would try and ignore, though it is distressing. If you make a big fuss there's a chance they might do it more. I think most toddlers go trough this stage at some point - certainly NOT self-punishing (DS never thinks he has done anything wrong and would be most offended at the idea!)

Is he talking? DS is hovering between saying single words and really being able to communicate and I'm hoping thigs will improve as he gets more verbal.

Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:17

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Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:18

he talks really well. I can communicate with him almost perfectly though I cant get clear answers to why he is hitting himself or saying "mama help"

he definitely does think he does things wrong sometimes. He gets very upset and cries if he feels he has done something he shouldnt even if we dont mind it.

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joh75 · 14/06/2008 09:20

Hi-my ds this too sometimes-he is 2.5. In his case I think he does it as a release of frustration. He used to hit/pinch me a bit when he was little, he can control himself better now and doesn't lash out at me but has transferred it to himself!

He only ever does it mid-tantrum and looks at me to get a reaction so I just try and distract him and ignore. Does your ds do it when he is frustrated/upset? I know it can be terrible to watch but I think it is just a phase also (I hope!).

RubySlippers · 14/06/2008 09:21

agree with Effie re frustration

a friend's DD used to headbang which used to upset my friend

i think this age is such a transitional one

Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 09:22

well to be honest although he does do it when he is upset he will also do it with no provokation. He gets a sad look in his eyes and just does it.

god I am sounding so pathetic.

He really is a happy child!! 95% of the time he is sunny. But he is going on about "mama help" all the time and hitting himself and I just worry.

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madamy · 14/06/2008 09:23

Just a thought - have you tried ignoring both the behaviour and the 'mama help'? I'm wondering if he's getting alot of attention from you when both of these happen, so repeating them to good effect.

ShowOfHands · 14/06/2008 09:28

It's normal. I promise you that. Try to ignore it or distract him. He probably knows that 'Alex is precious' is something he gets attention for saying and using it in relation to this is enforcing the behaviour iyswim. It's frustration coupled with exploring sensation. He is also learning about his relation to you and how he controls you, how you respond to him. I would imagine the 'mama help' thing is tied into this.

He's handsome btw.

totalmisfit · 14/06/2008 09:34

my dd is 2.3 and also does this hitting herself thing, and sometimes pinching. I have been v worried about this as i'd never heard of a toddler doing this before.

But having read your posts and those of others I think we have to try and accept that it's not actually a punishing behaviour, and probably isn't anything to worry about. my dd is also v. happy 95% of the time and has not witnessed hitting (except for one boy at playgroup who seemed very angry, but i've taken her out now anyway).

if anything it's probably an attention seeking thing, they do it, and get a concerned/baffled reaction from us, and so do it again.

Original poster

eenybeeny · 14/06/2008 10:00

(thank you showofhands - your DD is a beauty too!)

I hear what you are saying regaring the attention seeking and me feeding the behaviour by giving him attention and getting upset about it. I dont know if I can bring myself to ignore it though. I will think about trying.

Just another question: what if it is not attention seeking. What are the odds there is something wrong with him, emotionally I mean. He is clever as anything (no joke he can actually recite about half of a poem he really likes!!) but he seems fragile emotionally. I guess all toddlers are. I just dont have as much experience with any but him.

He is starting nursery Easter next year. I think it will do him good to have other adults with him maybe he will get more independent?

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SoupKitchen · 14/06/2008 10:14

Ds is two and a bit and his favorite sentance is mummy help, and he did hit himself for a bit ( this has now stopped)
He tends to say mummy help when he cant work something else and often when he doesn't seem to understand what is going on around him.

Your DS sounds perfectly normal and very clever to me, his profile pics are gorgeous.

Try not to worry, I think the odds that there is something emotionally wrong is slim, but understand your concerns as we have a lot of mental illness in my family, and you do tend to look for clues iyswim, but thats because we read to much into normal behaviour.

EffiePerine · 14/06/2008 10:14

I'm not sure you'd be able to tell if anything was 'wrong' at this age, they are changing so quickly. I'd try to relax about it for now and see how he is at nursery - if nothing else, you'll be able to see him in relation to his peers.

If you are worried, mayeb talk to your hv?

Elibean · 14/06/2008 10:41

((eeny)) he is so little, I honestly wouldn't worry. Though I did, when dd1 went through a similar (brief) phase at around that age. I think some of it was purely experimental, and physical, rather than emotional - and some of it was frustration and no other way of expressing it yet.

The only other thought I had was tha tpossibly your DS has seen a child hit another child at nursery, it would be unusual if he hadn't, in fact - or in a playground, or somewhere.

dd1 got smacked in the face by an older boy at a playground once and was totally confused and upset by it: she did it to herself and me a couple of times after that and when she did, I said very firmly and clearly that I knew it had happened (I wasn't there), that it wasn't ok for anyone to hit dd, ever, and that Mummy was very cross with anyone who hit dd. THen I repeated simply 'we don't hit'.

She stood up in her cot (she was about 22 mos) and gave me a hug, and I think, I hope, she understood the gist of it all.

Whatever is going on with your ds, I am quite sure it will be put right with time and ongoing experience of lovely parents like yourself.

Hope you don't bash yourself, either

Elibean · 14/06/2008 10:43

Sorry, just saw he's not at nursery. So scrap that one.

Think its probably experimental, toddlers -especially bright ones - are very very curious and interested! Your reactions will interest him too, so I would calmly say 'no hitting' and gently put his hands away from his head, then distract

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