Parents and nudity - when should we cover up?

[oxocube]

Sorry if this sounds like a daft question, but can I just ask mums with older kids, when did you begin to feel it was no longer appropriate for your kids to see you naked. I ask because I have 3 kids- ds aged 7, dd aged 5 and ds2 who is 14 months. I have never been particularly bothered if the kids see me in the bath or getting dressed etc. but my older son is now becoming increasingly curious about 'how babies are made' and aware of sex in general. I have never been embarassed to answer his questions but I am beginning to feel a little awkward if he walks into the bathroom when I am undressed because he is obviously taking in a lot more than he did when he was younger.

Although my dd sometimes gets into the bath with me still, I feel it would be inappropriate for my older ds. Does there come a point where you have to say to your kids "I would like to be private" or do they just become aware of this themselves? Interestingly, ds no longer likes to dress/undress in front of anyone else (except the baby!)

Hope this doesn't sound too silly a question! Thanks in advance

It's not silly at all.

I guess you know when you reach that point with your own children. It will be different for different children and different parents. When you (or they) are uncomfortable, then that is the time to start explaining privacy. Without making a big deal about it I guess as there's really nothing wrong with nudity.

I'm not at that stage yet butI have been thinking about it. DS1 is nearly 4 so it's not an issue at the moment - there are some things I don't let him see although generally I have an "open door" policy with regard to the bathroom

oxocube, I think the fact that your ds has become modest himself about undressing gives you a big hint.

I can't remember exactly when I started locking the door when I was in the bath. I had 2 girls first and it feels a bit more relaxed around them for a bit longer - but generally I would say when you feel them staring at you, and you're not comfortable, then it's time!

HTH!

I cant remember when I started covering up with my 2 older ones. With my 26th mo old ds I just recently started. I know many will probaly feel hes still little (which he is) but recently when I get out of the shower and go into my room to dress he follows and just stands there staring at me. He doesnt say anything or act in anyway. I know hes not thinking about the difference at this age but him just looking with a blank expressing makes me feel like covering up. I will walk around in underclothes though.

My two are 15 and 16 years old, my DH and I both walk around with nothing on, not blatently but to and from bathroom etc and if they come into our room. My DD sits on the end of the bath and talks to me when I am in it, she has been known to get in as well!

I was a little more discreet when DS was at an age when he was easily embarrassed, but he comes in our room and uses my mirror, I've said to him if he wants to do that then has to accept I might not have clothes on. He says it's no big deal!

When we DS's friend on holiday with us, DS son said, I don't mind you walking around with nothing on but don't do it infront of my mate! I wouldn't have!

DD's friend also comes on holiday with us and is more than happy to see us walking around in underwear, and when DD went on hoiliday with them in the summer and Christmas the friends parents do the same. DD said it was so nice to be with a family who were like us at home!

I think it's about being sensitive to the child and their feelings. I grew up with my parents walking around with nothjing on, DH didn't ever see his parents naked, but has no problem with nudity.

(We have all sunbathed naked in St Tropez!)

Oxocube its not a daft question at all! I've always wanted a relatively unhindered household but have always known that at some point we would need to cover up. When dd was born (she's now almost 3) my dh suddently started wearing pants to bed. When questioned why he stated that he thought he had to because dd was in the same room as us. Since she wasn't even 48 hours old at that point I told him not to be silly. Since then its not really been a problem but....

Last September we went on holiday for a fortnight and my mother came out to join us for a couple days. During that time my husband was having a bath and I chose to dump a very dirty/muddy daughter in with him (secretly hoping this would leave me to have a quiet soak later on). My mother was horrified that I let my dh and my dd (his dd) be naked together in any way. She even went on to say "Men are always men". Most of me wants to ignore this behaviour but another part of me wants to know if I'm the only one doing this? Do I really have to ban my husband from bathing our toddler?

wills - no, surely not?? Baths by my dad were always favourite when I was a child, and if I can remember it I must have been at least 3 or 4, very likely older. Oxocube, I don't think it's a daft question and agree with others who say, when you are uncomfortable it's time to cover up. Cannot imagine it myself (mine both quite small) and think perh we will be more like Alibubbles' family, but it's whatever makes you and DS/DD happy.

Alibubbles - that is very brave of you! I remember as a teenager I would have been mortified to have seen my parents in the buff! Personally I think once children start to develop their sexuality, it is time to cover up and give them their own space too. Although your set up works well for you Alibubbles, it may not work for everyone. There comes a time in a child's life when a naked body takes on a whole new meaning, and I would be very cautious of embarrassing them or making them feel uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm just too private?

Wills, definitely not, I think it would be a great shame if your dh were not allowed to bath his children for as long as they want him to. I can remember my dad bathing me, he used to wrap me up in a great big towel when we'd finished and cuddle me dry whilst singing songs to me, I used to love it.

Rhubarb, I appreciate that you are not criticising me but please be assured nudity has always been handled with sensitivity and discretion at all times. But I do think we are a very open family, my son told me when he had his first wet dream!

I know there have been times when my son did not even want to talk about bodies etc, I have always been sensitive to the moment. I think that's probably why I have two of the most well balanced kids around, apart from the usual teenage angst!

Our kids go" yuck", if they see us kiss or cuddle, but when you get down to serious talking with them, like we do on a Friday after dinner when we play mahjong together, they actually feel very priviledged that their parents have a good relationship, (my son says we know you have sex life we just don't want to know about it, okay! ) as so many of their friends parents are divorced or separated.

I'll never forget my daughter being asked where she was going at the weekend just after she started her new school, she replied just at home, the other girl said, No, I mean are you going to your mum or your dads!

Every family is different and you have to look at your own lives and what you are comfortable with and act accordingly.

Alibubbles - I think it's great you can be so relaxed & open with your children but it wouldn't be for me. I don't even like DH seeing me with no clothes on and any 'bedtime activity' is strictly lights out! I know I am quite a prude, I don't think it's the way I was brought up as my parents (in the 70s) are still into nude sunbathing in this country!! It's just the way some of us are I suppose. I did find it quite odd when holidaying with another family recently & the 14 year old girl is in the bath whilst dad is using the loo (no discreet shower curtain) - but everyone to their own!!

This is a very complex area isn't it? I still screw my face up now when my mum asks me to fasten her bra strap or something, never saw my father naked and I distinctly remember (and it's making me giggle just typing it) me and my brothers throwing my mum's swimming costume in the bin just before we set off on holiday rather than be mortified with the shame of seeing her wear it in public.

On the other hand, since it is just me and my daughter in our house, nudity as an issue has never occurred to me. Mind you, that phase when they are about 2, of just blank staring at you in the shower gave me a waver. But, despite these effortless efforts, I still her the occasional 'yuk' from her.

But it is now complicated by my having had a boyfriend for the last 6 months. He would certainly never walk around naked in front of her. I'm sure it wouldn't be an issue if I had a son instead.

Hmmm... this is one of the things that put me off Steve Biddulph's book 'Raising Boys', he suggests that boys should not see their mum naked from about age 3 (I think - this is from memory - I now longer have the book).

My boys are 3.5 and 5.5, and I certainly don't have a problem now of them coming into the bathroom when I'm in the bath or shower, but I don't know how I will feel when they are a bit older.

DD is only 9 month so it isn't something I have thought about yet but I am not sure that it will ever be an issue for us. I remeber seeing both my parents naked when growing up - not regualrly, just if they were on the way to the bathroom for a shower, etc. DH is the same. I don't want DD to feel uncomfortable though so I will try and take her as cue.

I think children should be encouraged to grow up feeling comfortable with their bodies, knowing who it is okay to be naked in front of and not, and that bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

I do think Steve Biddulph is a bit far fetched about it as he says that boys see their mothers as sexual beings, that's why they shouldn't see them naked.

Our health club says boys over six must use the mens changing rooms, loads of mothers created about that! Nobody complained about boys seeing other naked woman in the womans changing rooms though!

Even to this day if I am at my parents my Mum and I will be in the bathroom together, one of us having a shower, the other using the loo (sorry!) or changing the kids. Nakedness between myself and my Mum has never been an issue but I do remember that my Dad started locking the bathroom door when I got to a certain age (can't remember how old) but it was never a great issue. I assume that with my DS1 and 2 I will know when the time is right to cover up but if neither of them have an issue we may end up like Alibubbles household.

It hasn't occurred to me to cover up either. I grew up with my mum being completely comfortable about getting up and going to the bathroom with no clothes on too. She still will, if it's just me and her in the house (i.e no dp BILs etc). I insist on going to the loo alone with the door locked but other than that ds comes in to bed with us sometimes (& I sleep naked) and still wants to get into the bath with me.

I do remember when I decided I was too old for my dad to see me naked though, vividly. I just said I'd like to bath on my own with the door shut please and he said fine. Up until then all 3 of us children were thrown in the bath together on a Sunday night. I think I was about 11. So for me it wasn't so much that I wanted them to cover up but that I wanted my own privacy.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I do feel a bit weird about this issue, mainly because I never thought it would be an issue, if you see what I mean. Maybe if d.s was a girl I would feel differently. Maybe this is sad. I just feel that the vibes I get from him are that he is becoming increasingly aware of sex and although he is not embarrassed to ask questions about it, I do feel a little uncomfortable being stared at! I certainly don't ban him from our bedroom and if I need to get dressed or undressed when he is there, I just get on with it, but I must admit to being a little discreet! Likewize in the bathroom. We don't have locks on any of our doors anyway and its amazing how all my kids urgently need me for something the second I disappear into the loo!

Alibubbles, I think your set up sounds great: in a way, this is how I imagined I would feel which explains some of my confusion!

What an interesting discussion! It has raised some points I hadn't thought of (my kids being 2+11months and 11 months). They both get in the bath with dh or myself on a regular basis - only problem being that if ds gets in with me he wants the breast, so we have lots of bubbles! I have no idea at all when that should stop - when we get uncomfy with it is my gut feeling. My parents were quite prudish and that made me uncomfortable as a teenager - what's to hide? Dh's family are a lot more laid back - think it's partly cos FIL is German.
We are funny about going to the loo - although I am OK about having children in the bathroom with me while I go, I couldn't have dh in there with me - noooooo waaaaay! Don't know why, it just gives me the shivers! Lately dd has been asking some questions about differences 'Why have you got a willy Daddy? Are you a boy?' so we have just been honest about it all with her, and she seems very happy (though does like to tell people all about her new found knowledge, including the checkout operator in Safeway ... dh went pretty red!!)

I agree with what KMG said about some aspects of Steve Biddulph's philosophy being a bit odd and covering up in front of your kids from three was definitely one of those odd moments. But he did raise a point about children around 3.5 to 4.5 becoming "sensual", and consciously delighting in the feel of soft skin (their own and their parents) etc. When ds is tired he likes to stick his hand down my jumper and stroke round my neck and collarbone, and he is a great smoocher at the minute. However, I think Steve Biddulph's confused the issues, and don't have a problem with ds seeing either of us in the nude. Until they are fully potty-trained I think up to a point it is also helpful for them to be aware of how adults use the loo - although we are encouraging him to think about being private on the toilet and also starting to talk to him about which adults can/want to see his wee-wee and bottom (nursery carers, mummy and daddy, trusted babysitter, doctor) and why no-one else wants to/should ask.
I will be very happy indeed if we manage as well as Alibubbles' family. I saw my parents nude until well into childhood and don't recall finding it upsetting or disturbing, and I'd like the same relaxed, unforced attitude in our house.

Interesting question. We went on holiday to see some family friends who moved to Sweden when me and my sister (or should that be my sister and I?) were about 14 and were rather embarrassed that our friends (in their 40s) went around totally naked. After a few days we got used to it though. Obviously in Sweden there is absolutely no problem whatever age you are. I think it is a contextual issue in our country - some places it is Ok but others not and I think children learn that themselves.

What is the age for a boy going still into a female changing room (at the swimming pool for example) - around 7/8 I think?

i agree with most of the postings here, its never been an issue in our house my olderst son is 13 and it doesnt bother him. they all get out of the bath wrap a towel round them and run downstairs where its warmer and whilst they are watching tv for a bit the towels get cast aside while they walk around to get a drink or switch channels. my eldest always brings me a cup of tea in the bath and its just not been an issue for me or the kids however hubbie always wears his gruds(undies) when leaving the bedroom. i think he feels uncomfy in front of DD who is 9 and he has done this for a few years. but its not a product of my upbringing where no one was ever seen naked.

I'm really glad this subject has been raised. A few years ago my dh and myself discussed this topic wondering what we should do now or in the future. We are just going with the flow so far but he has turned to boxer shorts for bed especially as the children often join us in bed at weekends before breakfast. I hope we can as a family remain relaxed in underwear at least as otherwise I think barriers start to be built up and I really want children who can turn to you no matter what and if there are instances of embarrassment then maybe chatting about everything and anything wont happen.

mam, clothes are not a barrier to communication, honest! My kids do seem to feel that they can talk to me about more or less anything despite the fact that I hide behind a locked door when I have no clothes on.

Also their own level of privacy comes from them, not from us - DD2 (17) leaves the bathroom door open when she's on the loo, whoever else is in the vicinity, including her friends, and both DDs will leave the door unlocked when they are in the bath and will then let their younger brothers in if necessary. And DD1 flits about the house in her bra and thong. Mind you they are both quite sylph-like...