Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

You love your child but wish you hadnt had them- how can I stop feeling like this

47 replies

MsAshamed · 04/06/2008 11:34

Yes I know this is controversial and I have name changed for this because, believe me, I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself too. I know this will probably make some mums angry but I really need tips/advice on how I can get past feeling like this. I've read other threads from people with very newborn babies saying they wish they hadnt had the baby etc and everyones replied that things do get better, but what if they dont? My son is 3. Things have not got better. I havent got used to the regular tantrums, hysteria, lack of sleep, attempts to keep him entertained when he has the attention span of a flea, constant illness, constant attempts to discipline him and the mind numbing boredom which accompanies having read him the same story over and over again, answering his constant questions and basically planning my whole life around his wants and needs. Believe me I do love him but cant get used to the fact that my life is all about him. I have about 30 mins a day to myself and I cant see this ever changing until hes in his teens, years away. I think regularly about what my life would be like without him. I used to have such a lovely life but now I feel I have sacrificed it to give someone else life. I know I am awful and very unmaternal, maybe I shouldnt have had a child but I genuinely thought I'd make a good parent. I look after him well, make sure he is well cared for and loved- I hope he has no idea how I feel. BUT will I ever adjust to my new life???

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
FioFio · 04/06/2008 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jazzicatz · 04/06/2008 11:39

It does get better once they start school - very quickly they become independent of you for a period of time during the day - which allows you to start having a bit of a life back.

Remotew · 04/06/2008 11:39

You will get more time to yourself when he starts school, does hobbies, goes to friends. You are sounding depressed. Do you have a partner, job? Are you a single mum?

smint · 04/06/2008 11:41

Are you a SAHM or do you work? If you don't go to work, perhaps you should think about it? That way you don't have to spend all your time with him. If that's not really appropriate, should he go to nursery, or does he go already?! You just sound like you need to have a bit of a break and some me time!

whippet · 04/06/2008 11:45

MsAshamed - I could have written your post about 3 years ago when my children were 5 and 3 and I felt that my entire life was devoted to being their slave/ responsible for every last minutae of their lives.

I remember my Dad once saying that he remembers a time when I was about 4.5, strating school, and he said to my Mum, "things were beginning to get back to normal a bit" (albeit a 'new' normal...)

It doesn't change overnight, but you DO begin to be able to 'claw back' bits of 'me' time for yourself.

Suddnely they begin to entertain themselves for a bit longer; don't need your help on the toilet; pout themselves a drink; get up themselves; dress themselves etc etc.

Once I had my kids I never wished I hadn't had them, but I did wish sometimes I could just 'suspend them in animation' for about 24 hours just for me to be 'me' without all the responsibility.

Do you have support from your partner? Local friends? You do sound a bit 'down'. My only advice would be to try to keep busy with your son, and before long you will be back on here weeping over the fact he's about to start school full-time!

fondant4000 · 04/06/2008 12:18

I had to get out of the house every day - and I wasn't even full time at home!

Dd1 started nursery 2 mornings a week at 2 years old - and that really helped.

Is there any chance of a break for you? I'd say the combination of sleep deprivation, illness and constant responsibility is a recipe for the way you are feeling.

I'm not going to say 'me' time - 'cos I don't think I ever got much of that after dd1. But even doing the weekly shop on your own, or having a morning to tidy up the house (or read), can be a real help.

Also, make sure you do some things you like even if you have to drag dc along - eg sitting and having a coffee in the sunshine etc.

If he insists on same story, can you negotiate one story for him, and one story of your choice?

MsAshamed · 04/06/2008 12:20

It is as I thought, I am obviously not very maternal. I have a good career which I enjoy- I work a couple of days a week. I have a husband who I love and have a great relationship with, I also have lots of friends and family to support me. I dont think I'm depressed I just find everything about looking after a child so boring and mundane, yes there are highlights when he smiles at me or tells me he loves me but this happens only about 5 mins out of a 12 hour day of non stop demands!
Whippet- thanks so much for your comments it really helps, you are right that in a couple of years he will be relying less on me to do absolutely everything for him and will at least be able to play on his own for a bit unlike the current situation where he needs constant attentio 24/7. He does go to nursery a couple of days a week so gets lots of stimulation there.

OP posts:
Fennel · 04/06/2008 12:23

I think your feelings are very normal. Especially with a 3yo - when my dd3 was 3 last year I was working 4 days a week and couldn't stand the one day a week at home with her - I upped her childcare and went back to work full time. Have you considered that, if you like your job?

MsDemeanor · 04/06/2008 12:27

Of course you will have 30 minutes a day to yourself! At three he can go to nursery every morning and being such a bright, inquisitive, active little boy I'm sure he'll absolutely love it. Then before you know it, he'll be off to school, and you can do fun stuff like take him to the Science Museum (if you live within striking distance of London) and go to the movies to see the new Indiana Jones, and go to cafes and restaurants (best I think are cafe rouge and pizza express) and have a pretty civilised time. In the meantime the absolute best thing is to make friends with the mums at your son's nursery and arrange times when you go out together. Yes, being in teh park, just the two of you can be mind-numbing, but take a long a mate for you and a mate for him and it's really enjoyable. they kids play together and you can sit and chat, and then have coffee while the kids eat crisps.
I wonder if the 'constant attempts at discipline' take the joy out of life a bit? Three year olds are little wild animals half the time, and constantly trying to tame them about everything can be dispiriting. They do calm down as they get older.
There are lots of techniques to make life better. Constant questions can often be turned into rather interesting conversations, and are a sign of an active little mind.
I honestly also think you must consider the possibility of depression. Your initial post - not read the ones in between sounds so extremely hopeless and even dramatic that I honestly think you might need to see your gp for a chat. Everyone has moments when they'd happily ell their kids to the cats home, but you can see nothing but bleakness ahead, and that rings a warning bell to me.

MsDemeanor · 04/06/2008 12:30

And as soon as you drop him off at nursery on your non-workign days do somethign for YOU. Something you really miss. I love sitting in cafes reading newspapers and staring into space, for example! Or wandering round a shop. Sometimes I go to the gym. What exactly do you miss from your 'lovely life'? Can you write a list and make plans to start doing it again. Maybe seeing friends for dinner or drinks, going to the gym, having a night at a spa, doing a class, reading books, going to the cinema, rock climbing...whatever floats your boat. If this seems impossible, then I suspect you are depressed.

bubblagirl · 04/06/2008 12:47

sorry you feel like this i cant understand it on the same level im afraid i took to being a mum so naturally

and i love doing all the silly mundane stuff but can get bored and lonely

but then my ds who is 3 has just been diagnosed with ASD and i think this has bought us even closer together as now i fully understand his needs and why he does certain things

you have a gorgeous boy could you find some fun things you could do together that isnt boring or mundane

i guess some people just may not be maternal but dont feel guilty about that we all feel guilty about something being a parent but if you love your son and show him he is loved it shouldnt damage him in the long run and as he becomes less dependant on you you may see yourself becoming relaxed

maybe its just that thought that its all down to you this little human being relying on you for everything where as i find that wonderful feeling some people cannot see this

but unlike some mums they cant show love to there child so there is something in you that must love what your doing to be able to show him he is loved

pick your fights and remember 3 yr olds do play up a little bit but usually respond well with choices rather than alot of discipline

dont do that in here could be yuou can do that in the garden or your bedroom

only discipline bad behaviour not because its bothering you i find it less stressful to pick my battles not worry about to much else apart from if his settled occupied and i can always find time to put my feet up and read a magazine

good luck i hope you feel more settled but dont feel guilty its not the law that it should come natural to all women your not neglecting him so are doing nothing wrong

make sure you get out with friends when you can so you can be you not just mum

bubblagirl · 04/06/2008 12:52

if it helps my ds is speech delayed just been diagnosed ASD and would love the constant questions from him

maybe if you can see how lucky you are to have such an inquisative bright little boy you can work on more positive thought rather than here he goes again this is boring

maybe you find it hard to find the child within you to see him on his level

im not saying that to make you feel guilty but to show you what a special thing you have

dont re read the same book put excited voice on and introduce a new fun book you sometimes need to be able to be a child to communicate and maybe thats what you cant get

every day set yourself a target to do it wont happen over night play a fun game where you are a completely silly mummy you never know you might laugh so hard and actually start to enjoy it

im a big kid at heart and manage to put myself at a childs level to understand how to handle some situations but most of all try and have as much fun as you can

Acinonyx · 04/06/2008 13:15

My dd is nearly 3 and is at nursery 3 days/week. on the other 2 I always visit other mums with toddlers or go out somewhere for at least 3 hours - my favourite regular outing with another mum is 6 hours. I really climb the walls if we are at home all day. I do find it fantastically boring and mundane - it's the relentlessness of it. An hour or two is one thing but hour after hour - I just ached to read a book or work in peace.

I totally don't regret dd and actually would have another if I could. But then I don't beat myself up about finding it boring a lot of the time. Some of us are just like that. I have plenty of inner child TYVM but there is no child-friendly equivalent to the things I really feel a need to do with my time. Not yet, anyway.

Yes isn't it marvellous that are children don't have X or Y problem - gosh - how come I never thought of that before? Well that doesn't really get us all the way I'm afraid.

Don't feel so guilty about it and I think that will be most of your problem solved (works for me!). For the rest - get out more, more playdates, more company, go to places that interest you, favour the activities that you like most, look into preschool sessions and/or up your working week at least another day.

If I had had dd younger I would probably feel regretful - that is one big plus for me personally about being a much older mum.

blueshoes · 04/06/2008 13:19

MsAshamed, how I feel for you. It sounds like your ds is a demanding child. That is not to say he will not blossom or get better, much much better, at a later stage. In fact, for my 'spirited' dd, 3 was the turning point, but really only just the beginning cusp of it. Your ds will probably still be more demanding than other children, but believe me, when I would be writing the same as you at 3, I actually look forward to spending a day with dd now at 4.8.

My dd needed constant attention 24/7 since she was born and was difficult in almost all aspects - sleep, eating, playing independently. But if I had to decide what was the Hardest Bit about her early days, I would say the inability to play independently and constant demands and tantrums. Because then, there is very little time for you to be in your own skin. Which can be very very difficult if you are used to having a reasonably successful and directed career.

The only way I coped was to build in lots of breaks from my dd - 30 mins a day is hardly enough. I mean hours.

I assume your ds has had childcare experience since you work. Dd was like a different person in nursery (I cannot figure out why) - but she does not whine as much, eats very well, sleeps on her own (sob) and enjoys the hustle and bustle. The nursery workers think I am must be talking about a different child if I asked whether she tantrummed that day. Hopefully, your ds has a positive experience as well.

In terms of options, you could consider:

(1) using more childcare than you need. I work pt but use ft childcare, with the difference used to catch up on chores so that I clear the decks for dcs when they get home. Less knee-hugging, whinging and tantrums all round.

(2) Or if not affordable, go ft (as another poster suggested). I assume you know about the surestart grant that kicks in on the term after your ds' 3rd birthday which will subsidise your childcare costs by £100+ a month.

(3) Go out as much as you can when you are with ds.

(4) Make sure your dh does his fair share. My dh takes the dcs out on weekends to give me sheltered time, so much that the staff at a particular cafe can't believe my dcs have a mother.

(5) I co-sleep - it works for me, but I appreciate not for everybody. My dcs are so easy to love when they are asleep. I give them kisses in the dark of night and they cuddle up in the warmth. It helps me to reconnect.

(6) You don't have to believe this, but ... it will get better, possibly very soon. Once your dc is in school, there will be no looking back. Lots of experienced mothers on mn do say that 5 is the turning point.

(7) The last you want to hear, but ... have another dc. It is incredible how quickly my dd started having a lovely playmate in my ds (3 year age gap). Now they are best mates and sworn enemies in turns but the best thing is they leave me alone some of the time. All I need to do is mediate squabbles, which is a darn sight easier than what you are going through now!

blueshoes · 04/06/2008 13:23

sorry, realised that my post is very long.

On the issue of depression, I have no experience of it and cannot possibly say anything except that you can have all those feelings about a difficult child of that age and NOT be depressed. In other words, it is normal.

Parenting an easy child and a difficult child is like night and day.

Fennel · 04/06/2008 13:29

I do agree with blueshoes that to not be enjoying being a mother to a 3 year old does not mean that someone is depressed. I think that's quite important to remember. It's common. And very understandable. Many people, not at all clinically depressed, find parenting hard, and demanding 3 year olds can be utterly relentless.

MsAshamed · 04/06/2008 13:33

Blueshoes, thanks so much for your post. Its made me feel so much better about things. I agree, just because you find a child difficult and exhausting to look after does not mean you are depressed. I have thought about having another baby because my son seems to thrives when hes around other children, and thats the one thing that will keep his attention in a cafe or restaurant- the sight of other children. I think the problem is that I cannot reconcile my working life with my personal life. At work if I ask someone to do something they dont immediately throw a fit and lie on the floor screaming for an hour, but of course this is the same for everyone who works. Whats been said about children being completely different at nursery rings true- I ask nursery regularly if hes had lots of tantrums, played up and they say hes very well behaved and does everything hes told, the complete opposite to at home!
Thanks for everyones comments, they have helped.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 04/06/2008 13:37

I realised when dd was quite young that it helped my attitude tremendously if I got up about an hour ahead of her each day. That hour of peace - often sat quietly with a cup of coffee, reading the newspaper or chatting on Mumsnet - made a huge difference. Even now if I sleep late or she gets up early - and I don't have my 'peaceful' start to the day - I feel less ready to 'be Mummy' all day.

Earlybird · 04/06/2008 13:41

Meant to add - do you get time to yourself at home? For me, it needs to be in the morning when I am rested and not at night when she is bed - at that point, I am very tired.

Maybe give it a try?

blueshoes · 04/06/2008 13:50

Hi MsAshamed, your ds sounds sociable, just like my dcs - very very sociable in fact.

I am quite self-contained emotionally, which makes it difficult for me to be glued to an poppet dictator all day. I end up feeling besieged. It is not an easy fit I find - but in my calmer moments I do see how adorable they are and how the nursery workers, teachers, family and friends warm up to them (everybody knows them) - which is a big plus and will stand your ds in good stead in later life.

But this particular personality type can manifest itself in early childhood as difficult (ie not easygoing), constant need for attention etc

One thing you wrote: your dc throws himself on the floor and tantrums for one hour because you asked him to do something? That would be my ds (well, not for a full hour ecause he is just 1.5 years). Will your ds let you go to him when he is like that. I find with ds, he won't let me touch him. So I just hover around doing my own thing (eg tidying) and hold my arms periodically until the storm is over and he rushes into my arms.

If your ds is the same, then with the benefit of having more than one child ... just get on with your own stuff during those tantrums and go back every now and then. His tantrums can also be your break time. You are not responsible for them. He is entitled to his feelings, strong as they are. I barely register my ds' tantrums now, though I have to say he seems to be going through an existential crisis at the moment.

whippet · 04/06/2008 13:58

MsA
Before kids I had a'big' job with a team, budgets, responsibility, stress, deadlines etc. My whole working life had been focused on goal-setting, meeting targets,controlling things - budgets, timelines, people (!). Although I hadn't acknowledged it, I had become a semo-control freak, and delighted in my organisational skills, time-management etc etc.

When DS1 came along I was in total shock for a long time. Suddenly I was faced with something (someone!) who seemed hell-bent on destroying any routines or plqans I had - the things which I felt I needed to keep me sane.

It sounds so stupid looking back, but I had never considered that a child so regularly just won't do as their parent tells them - and so wilfully at times.

Some of my earth-mummy friends probably saw I was struggling and advised me to 'go with the flow more'. I had no idea what they meant and no skills to achieve it.

In many ways I think having a job/career you enjoy hinders things sometimes. I found it very hard to switch between the two roles, and I sometimes resented the pressure of having to 'downtools' at work at 5.30 to go to fetch DS from nursery etc.

Don't despair - they don't call them the terrible threes for nothing.

For what it's worth, I also suggest having another. My two DCs are now as thivk as thieves and barely bother us .

whippet · 04/06/2008 14:01

aargh - terrible spelling mistakes - but you'll get the gist!

Kitsilano · 04/06/2008 14:05

MsAshamed, I so identify with what you are saying. MY DD1 is 3 and though charming, very hard work; constant questions, utterly unwilling to entertain herself and very bossy and whiny. I have a 6 month old DD2 as well who sleeps extremely badly and am finding it very tough. I find the lack of mental space, the sleep deprivation and constant domestic drudgery relentless.

You are not alone. I'm hanging on to the hope that it will get better, that they will be in school eventually and that despite it all I do love them and am lucky to have them.

And I have help 2 days a week and STILL feel like this!

MsAshamed · 04/06/2008 15:08

Hello Blueshoes- the tantrums are frequent and always when he doesnt want to do anything (which is most things to be honest) This morning he threw a tantrum when I gently asked him if he wanted more milk. He will not be comforted by me at all mid tantrum. I've tried many approaches- putting my arms out, ignoring him, pleading with him, offering bribes but now find the ignoring him works best. Yesterday he'd worked himself up into such a state (I said he couldnt go in the garden as it was pouring with rain) that he eventually fell asleep lying by the front door mid tantrum. I suppose what gets me down is that the tantrums start as soon as he wakes until he goes to bed (unless hes at nursery when he has no tantrums allegedly). I will be glad when this phase is over...
Whippet- yes I am like you, I have quite an important job and am used to people doing what I ask on a professional level so it seems much harder than if I was my mum who had me at a young age and has never had a job so she doesnt know what shes missing...
Kitsalno- I know what you mean about the domestic drudgery, it is relentless and so depressing. I hate how I cant even read the newspaper for 5 mins- my son doesnt like me to give anyone or anything attention if hes in the room. His father and I cannot always have a conversation without him getting irritable and deliberately playing up so we re-focus our attention back onto him. My husband hugged me the other day and my son wasnt happy at all, not one bit.

OP posts:
MannyMoeAndJack · 04/06/2008 15:19

My ds is SN and parenting him is tough.

I can vividly recall thinking, 'only another 17mths to go until he starts full-time school', then 'only another 15mths to go', etc, etc, etc. What I'm saying is that when your ds starts full-tim schooling, you will find that you have some time to yourself again. You will be able to relax a little and slowly, you will be able to claw back some 'me time'.

Parenting is tough, whichever way you cut it (SN or not) so don't feel guilty about the way you feel.