You love your child but wish you hadnt had them- how can I stop feeling like this

[MsAshamed]

Yes I know this is controversial and I have name changed for this because, believe me, I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself too. I know this will probably make some mums angry but I really need tips/advice on how I can get past feeling like this. I've read other threads from people with very newborn babies saying they wish they hadnt had the baby etc and everyones replied that things do get better, but what if they dont? My son is 3. Things have not got better. I havent got used to the regular tantrums, hysteria, lack of sleep, attempts to keep him entertained when he has the attention span of a flea, constant illness, constant attempts to discipline him and the mind numbing boredom which accompanies having read him the same story over and over again, answering his constant questions and basically planning my whole life around his wants and needs. Believe me I do love him but cant get used to the fact that my life is all about him. I have about 30 mins a day to myself and I cant see this ever changing until hes in his teens, years away. I think regularly about what my life would be like without him. I used to have such a lovely life but now I feel I have sacrificed it to give someone else life. I know I am awful and very unmaternal, maybe I shouldnt have had a child but I genuinely thought I'd make a good parent. I look after him well, make sure he is well cared for and loved- I hope he has no idea how I feel. BUT will I ever adjust to my new life???

it could be the way you're talking to him.

I think it's extra hard for people who have been in high level jobs where they're managing others because you get set in a way of communicating that's very adult and straight down the line. If you mean no, you say no. Etc.

With kids it can help to head off tantrums so often, if you say what you were going to say but in a different way. Like with the garden thing perhaps when he said he wanted to go out, it might have headed him off at the pass if you said "Oh, YES, ds, WHAT a FANTASTIC idea, lets go in the garden, as soon as it stops raining....you look out, is it raining? It is? Oh, look at the raindrops falling down the window...shall we blow some bubbles while we wait?"

etc etc

I know that sounds lame but I just mean it's about talking to them in a different way.

I used this sort of approach with my ds who is very strong willed, and it worked well.

of course nothing works all the time and children WILL have tantrums. I think you're spot on that ignoring it works best.

I tihnk it's good to give yourself permission to have some minutes here and there; like having your DH hug you, that's not something wrong or something you should allow him to try to bust up. It's ok to be stern with him about stuff like that IMO. Don't let him bully you too much.

Have you read 'toddler taming' by Christopher Green? It's really good for making you realise that many children are this insanely hard at some point in their early years and he's got a humourous approach which helps.

BTW I do agree that working FT is a good option, not saying that in order to be a 'good' mother you must stay home and suffer - just that if you want to be home for his early years, other strategies may help you get through

MsAshamed, ah, I recently had that scenario about ds tantrumming because he was not allowed to go out. My aupair (see how much help I rope in!) was adamant ds was not to go out in the rain but weary mother that I am knew I would not be able to distract ds from his intended activity. Ds is notoriously difficult to distract. So I just gave in and opened the door. Ds refused to wear a raincoat - which dd promptly stole and wore for herself - but luckily ds' top had a thin hood which I pulled over his head and we all went out in the drizzle together and were happy if a bit wet.

Just wanted to say, it is ok to give in and avert a tantrum (not saying that it would be appropriate to give in in all cases eg if it was pouring down).

If it is not important, I try to say yes, rather than no. I recognise it in myself, sometimes I refuse to do what ds wants because it is messy, or I am tired, or I think it would erode my authority. But ... if I can, and frequently I don't or cannot be bothered or shouldn't and tough out the tantrum, you can appease and change direction. But to be able to do that, you need to be rested and have inner resources, rather than run on zero. Hence, so important you find time and space for yourself.

Falling asleep by the door sounds sweet but probably not to you who had to deal with your ds' nth tantrum that day.

I found this book quite good for learning to accept my persistent emotional dcs: Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

MsAshamed, to add to Honoria's point about communicating, your ds might be a little young but will soon be ready for the How to Talk ... book by Faber & Mazlish

Honoria - is that a different way? That's exactly the approach I employ (with some success I may say) in negotiating meetings.....

(but seriously, I do agree)

good point, legalalien . You might be dealing with grown adults at work but you still have to step around their massive egos and agendas and accommodate their different perspectives. Hmmmm, not much different from dealing with toddlers, really.

The only difference is they don't fling themselves on floors as much.

Yes, ok, see your point legal but yes, as blueshoes says at least most adults won't scream for 2 hours after your 'no'...though some may come close

and blueshoes, I totally agree that sometimes it's ok not to fight things.

After all to us it makes perfect sense not to go out and get wet because we know how uncomfortable it feels, and cold, etc etc. But if you're 2 you are quite likely never to have experienced that...so you need the chance to go out there, get ridiculously wet and cold and then WANT to come in...next time, you remember that feeling. It's all part of the process of learning.

I certainly take the point that I might be expecting to much of my son when I tell him no. When I say no I always try and give a reason, so when he was trying to eat paint the other day I gave him a warning that if he did it again I'd have to take it away from him because paint would hurt his tummy, but yes I am probably expecting him to act like a rational adult would rather than a child. I just wish every little thing didnt have to be so hard, it seems like a continuous battle.

i do know what you mean MsA. It can feel that way alot with young kids - you are certainly not alone, if that helps at all, which I don't suppose it does!

I certainly think that you should not repine about needing time away from him! All parents need this - it enables you to regain your sanity for the next round!

If you don't want to work FT, could you give him one or two more sessions at nursery so you can have time alone? Take him to the Gym and use the creche? Lots of people do this stuff - it doesn't make you a bad mum!!!!

!

!!!!! Honoria!!!!

MsA, thanks for starting this thread, it's too late in the day and my English declines as evening approaches, so this post will be completely useless, but there are fantastic posts on here, I just wanted to join in

"If it is not important, I try to say yes, rather than no. I recognise it in myself, sometimes I refuse to do what ds wants because it is messy, or I am tired, or I think it would erode my authority. But ... if I can, and frequently I don't or cannot be bothered or shouldn't and tough out the tantrum, you can appease and change direction. But to be able to do that, you need to be rested and have inner resources, rather than run on zero. Hence, so important you find time and space for yourself". Absolutely.

Btw, I used to work in fashion and they were more unreasonable than toddlers.

MsAshamed, totally agree. Let your ds makes his own mistakes, to the extent you determine it is safe for him to do so and you can supervise.

For example, we have a rather steep staircase in our house which even some adults find challenging. Ds has been on that staircase as soon as he could crawl. The stairgate did not last very long. But I did spend many hours going up and down those stairs with him ... and still do.

I remember reading this book about how children learn incrementally but always within their abilities. They might fall and hurt themselves but then they know they have hit a limit and subsequently be more careful. As their abilities grow, they push against it again.

You know in your heart of hearts whether your ds is a reckless sort to jump out of windows. Although my ds is daring and will want to do what is seemingly dangerous, he does not do Crazy Things. He has fallen headfirst down a whole flight of stairs before and out of my bed many many times, which I just add to his life experiences.

My dd 4.8 can now be persuaded not to eat too many chocs because I tell her it will hurt her tummy. She can accept that now because (1) she has a sense of time (2) she relates her past experience of tummy upset from eating chocs to the present; and (3) she has worked through her control issues. But it has been a hard slog.

ah it can be so tough and so joyless

i've found every six months I can see a definite change in the pressure - 3 was OK in some ways but still v v overwhelming - 3.5 was a definitely improvement, ds could play by himself a bit more, but for me it was more tantrummy than 3 (hope it's other way round for you).

Another child is a damn good idea. Not always possible. I just cannot do it - dh really can't do any nighttime stuff as it makes him ill and I am just not strong enough to face those nights again, or rather the days after the nights. I agree with other posters that if you can have another one, it's a really good thought.

Now that ds is 4 I find I have occasional moments where I actually wonder where he is. Heaven to me.

Remember that you are still the best mother for him. None of us is perfect.

Oh, MsAshamed you have written the post I was about to write - I have been walking about with it in my head in the last few days after a 'eureka' moment I had a few days ago.

Like you, I love our DD, in fact struggled to have a child for nearly 10 years, but realised that the happiest time of my life was before we had our DD and it will be a long time before I get the chance to have the freedom to enjoy myself in the same way again.

I hear you when you say you are not depressed. I am not depressed, possibly self centred, shallow and not very maternal but not depressed.

Like you I have a DD who is high maintenance - not badly behaved but highly sociable and craving constant interaction/attention. As a toddler she was phenomenally clingy, to the extent that I had to sit her on my lap even when I went to the loo (yes for number twos too!!) Although I too am very sociable I have always valued my independence and to a certain extent I think that DD and I are not a good fit IYSWIM - she wants a lot of attention, is not keen to play alone, though now she is 5 things are getting better, and I truly miss the ability to just take off and do what I want when I feel like it.

It has taken me a long time to admit how I feel to myself, especially after I tried so hard for kids and DD is a lovely child in many ways, bright, loving and very popular, anyone would be happy to have her as a DD. It feels like breaking a big taboo to say it but there it is - Before having DD I thought having a child would be the highlight of my life but it was not.

I namechanged too as feel very guilty = I feel the same way MsAshamed and Inarut.

Also I had DS later on - 35 years- and feel guilty too about not enjoying him and feeling resentful of him.

Good to know I am not alone.

DS now 5 - havent felt much difference since he started school really but now work school hours so dont have much free time so as to collect him from school etc.

Have been thinking hard about whether having a second child is a good idea, I know it would be excellent for my son but have decided just cant do it. Cannot go through all this again! This morning another bad day, he woke up screaming, screamed through breakfast, struggled when I tried to dress him, whined when I took him out the garden to hang some washing out and, had a tantrum when I refused him chocolate and then proceeded to scream all the way to nursery. It was a relief to drop him off and walk away... Tonight I know when I pick him up from work it will be the same performance. I just dont understand how this can be fun? I see loads of women with 2/3/4 kids who must not mind all this otherwise why would they keep on having children? I struggle to enjoy my son, how is it possible to enjoy having a child when you've been at work or day, or even spent all day at home with them, and then have to spend hours trying to get them to go to sleep, keep putting them back in bed when they get out every couple of minutes and then get woken up at the crack of dawn to do it all again the next day. I really admire women who can do this and not let it get to them, it just makes me wish I had my old life where I'd get home from work, potter round the house, read the paper, have dinner in peace and watch a film. Those days are long gone..

MsAshamed, hold on, those days WILL come again. And your ds WILL be more fun as he gets older - I believe this - 4 is certainly better than 3.

But I know exactly, exactly what you mean. Whinging gets me at 4 the way screaming abdabs used to get me at 3. And the guilt thinking that they are miserable because they know you aren't enjoying it. Oh dear. Wish i had an answer.

Just makes me wonder why people put themselves through it... If I'd known, but of course theres no way of knowing is there!

Thanks Kama, I think you've got a good point. I am perhaps my own worst enemey I need to relax more and stop worrying about his every tantrum, every screaming fit and all the whining etc

Hi MsAshamed,

I don't think there's one parent of a 3 yo who hasn't felt that way at some point. I won't repeat other posts, but here's what I found useful:

• When you're gritting your teeth at reading that story again, train yourself to focus on the sound of your own voice, or the pictures, anything to make the the time go faster. The LO loves it to sound the same every time so won't mind at all.
• Break the patterns that are stifling you. DH can probably read the books that you really can't bear to read any more. If the bathtime is a chore, have him take a shower a couple of days a week. Fun for him, a break for you. Routing is not that good for a child if the parent hates it.
• You do not have to be available 100 percent when he's with you. Try saying, 'no, mummy doesn't want to do X right now' and give him something nice to do that doesn't involve brain-numbing boredom for you.
• Write down the cuter questions because they won't come back, even if he's asking them 100,000 times for the moment.
• Personally I made sure I did things for me. Some parents seem to think that's sinful, but then that's their life, not mine.

HTH

And FGS DO NOT have a second child if the prospect freaks you out. I waited until my DD was at school and frankly it's one of the best decisions I ever took. Yes, there's an age gap: the older one is at school most of the day, you have different routines, there's the possibility of reasoning with the older one.