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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Has anyone else found that four is harder than baby, toddler or threenager?

67 replies

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 21:23

Is there something about testosterone surge or is that a myth?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

notnowbernard · 01/06/2008 21:25

I used to think 2.6-3.6

Then I revised it to 4!

Don't know about testosterone surge?

Original poster

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 21:29

DS1 is 4.2.

He's getting really, really angry lately.

He was having ishoos with a child at school, but that's sorted now.

I'm trying to help him find new ways to calm himself down and different things he can do to express his anger, but I'm not very good at it - it would appear!

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 01/06/2008 21:33

DD1 is 4.5

I noticed the stroppy, door-slamming, foot-stamping shoutiness take off earlier this year

I give the "It's ok to be angry" talk but also encourage her to go and have a good shout in her room and to come back when she feels a bit calmer. Have found that puts her more in control of it, IYSWIM

Marina · 01/06/2008 21:44

Oh yes. And the testosterone surge is not a myth IME, little boys this age are in the grip of feelings they really cannot control easily.
Backchat, frenzied laps of the sitting room/garden/church tea-party...A lot of the excellent anger management techniques in How to Talk so Kids will Listen are not really suitable for this age group, alas.
We muddled through with ds, not least because we had newborn dd as well and could not disentangle what was Reception, what was testosterone and what was dd, very accurately.
I think setting some basic rules about not hitting (but in truth most of this was verbal rage with ds, not physical) and not spending too much time trying to analyse it all with him, helped. Ds got even worse when we tried, er, reflective listening and open questioning .
It does pass, quite quickly. We then had three years of blissful, sunny easiness and now we are into pre-teen "you're not the boss of me" stuff.

Marina · 01/06/2008 21:44

What notnowbernard said. Giving them space and permission is a great help.

Enid · 01/06/2008 21:46

i have girls - so no surge here - but with my top two I found the year before they start school the HARDEST

ditto my mum with her four

moopdaloop · 01/06/2008 21:47

if you think the hormone surge at 4 is bad, you should wait until 7

mypandasgotcrabs · 01/06/2008 21:49

Yes! Never had any problems with ds1 at all until he reached about 4.5, then wham! Suddenly had an angry, stroppy boy at times & no idea how to deal with it.

notnowbernard · 01/06/2008 21:51

Have had a few "She's ready for school, isn't she?" comments lately

Elibean · 01/06/2008 22:03

Oh, I think dds have hormonal surges too - and whether that part is a myth or not (I dont think it is, FWIW) it helps me to picture dd as having pre-school PMS at times...

I found 3.5 - 4ish particularly rough, but then again dd had a new sibling six months before the worst behaviour, so I think it had a lot to do with that too.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 22:24

Funny how just having people saying, "Yep, really recognise that" helps, isn't it?

Thank you all - very helpful.

of recognition at reflective listening not working.

He is incredibly sorry after he's had an outburst as well - he hates being out of control and is a very loving little boy (scrambles into bed with me in the morning, lies on my feet when he gets up and tells me he's cuddling me because he "loves me so much").

OP posts:

Pruners · 01/06/2008 22:33

Message withdrawn

chipmonkey · 01/06/2008 22:56

Oh, yes! Ds1 was a nightmare at 4. He is lovely now, though, at 11.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 23:01

Glad to hear it, Pruners! I have a horrible feeling I didn't reply to your email, did I? I must rectify that!

Chipmonkey, I do love you, you know. You're always lovely to me! Just tell me it gets better well before 11, please!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 01/06/2008 23:08

Oh God, yes you don't have to wait that long! We had a "phase" at 4 and another at about 6 but I think the phase at 6 was to do with a boy he was playing with at the time who was quite aggressive. Once they were put into separate classes ds1 improved dramatically.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 23:09

I'm definitely hearing a lot of stuff from nursery - "you're not my friend any more" etc.

He's utterly fab unless bored or tired.

Takes after his mother then

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 01/06/2008 23:15

I used to get "You not coming to my party!" from ds2 till I pointed out that actually I was paying for the party!
Hunker, have you seen my ds4? I have his newborn photo on my profile.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 01/06/2008 23:17

Chipmonkey, if I have a baby in 9 months' time, I'm holding you solely responsible!

He's gorgeous! [broody as hell] Congratulations again!

OP posts:

jamila169 · 01/06/2008 23:21

Mm My lovely DS2(4.5) has turned into a stroppy little bugger, while still having episodes of loveliness, DS1(9) has been having surges since he was seven and is just starting to calm down and stop having screaming fits if he gets told off.

lackaDAISYcal · 01/06/2008 23:22

Four was horrible in this house. I think the testosterone thing has somehting in it as it was around then that he started getting all fighty and guns and hi kicking everywhere....or maybe that was due to watching power rangers ...(now banned!)

they warn you about the terrible twos, but they forget to mention the troublesome threes and the fecking awful fours

DontCallMeBaby · 01/06/2008 23:35

Oh chipmonkey, the number of times got that one and responded 'I don't come to your party, you don't have a party'!!

(and mm, your ds4 really is rather lovely, and I'm not remotely keen on babies these days!)

Friendship politics are quite trying at 4, I think - and I have a DD, so I expect that side of things to last, ooh, fifteen years or so? DD has also had screaming tantrums since turning 4 that she'd never had the likes of before - 'fortunately' the frightens the life out of herself quite quickly and ends up clinging to me for solace.

DD had a little friend at her trampolining class for a while, I got to watch the 4yo boy testosterone surge from the sidelines there. Wow. He was a sweetheart a lot of the time, but there were times when there was just NO reasoning with him. Even the coach, ex-nanny, astonishingly good at getting small children to do her bidding, had to just leave him to it.

DontCallMeBaby · 01/06/2008 23:36

she frightens the life out of herself, not the, that makes NO sense.

Sixer · 01/06/2008 23:37

Yep, 4 year old boys, wide berth. I have a 6 yo but he's as big as an 8/9yo, bless he was hard. not only did he have that surge, he had serious strength behind him, so a hood pulling game in reception became an ambulance at the school!!! so... being himself, doing what the others do, landed him in alot of trouble.
DS2 is currently going through a testosterone surge and is vile. Unlike DS1, all I need to say is xxx I love you , come here, give me a cuddle. and he melts!!although there is a lot more verbal from him first.

BoyzntheShire · 01/06/2008 23:38

from title i thought you meant 4 kids.
was going to say that 3 is madness, what on earth would you want 4 for??

Aero · 01/06/2008 23:40

Hunker - you have written my post!! Does that help? Ds2 is shockingly harder work now at 4 than he was at 2-3 (and he wasn't easy then), but is totally adorable and endearing and loving. He just can't handle it when things go wrong (in his opinion). He's also suitably apologetic afterwards.

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