Its not funny anymore, ds's behaviour is UNBEARABLE

[cheekymonk]

I feel I know what some people may say in response but here I am anyway. I know that 3 year olds are difficult and demanding etc etc but I am just finding ds uncontrollable to the point that i am having suicidal thoughts.
Don't panic, I don't intend to act on them as I couldn't do that to dh and ds but I feel so bloody trapped and unhappy! Today while I was on the phone to my mum he upset whole blackcurrant drink onto his table and light coloured carpet. Said carpet is already minging from all of his other accidents and it is such a battle to maintain basic levels of hygiene!!
He has suddenly started weeing on floor, in empty bath etc despite being very good at potty training. So cleared all this up and ventured into town to buy new shoes. This all went fine until he decided to crawl on floor in tescos until I had to frogmarch him out of there.
At lunch I got him a sandwich combo thing with drink etc and he wanted banana and gingerbread man on top. I got sandwich pack for me and drink. He also ate half of my sandwiches and the rest of his! (Weight is not issue btw he is perfectly healthy) I feel worn down and totally unempowered.
Tonight he emptied another drink all over rice pudding and tipped the lot on the floor. we cleared this up together and as I put pyjamas on he wets the bed!!!!
It is just relentless and so f*ing miserable!
This on top of dh being away and stressful debt/skint situation is just hopeless...
Any advice anyone...please

Home town is 3 hours away. Yes Xenia, I do come to the conclusion that I am not good with ds for long periods on my own either but then i also wonder does anyone in similar circs??
Yes we are talking about me moving back and dh staying in navy although we vowed we wouldn't that. You can't have it all and we do need to decide what is most important, really. We have an IVA, so could risk bankruptcy if dh didn't get similar paying job quickly.

I doubt I will have another simply because I don't think I am up to it and plus doubt we can afford it.

Cheekymonk, sorry but 3yo can be tough & lots of us relate to you!
I found it really hard to make new friends when we relocated (with 3yo&1yo) and used the excuse of inviting other children to play to talk to other mums, and invite them too. Nursery staff helped me find out who my DC played with and who their mums were. I still do it, only now it is school friends and I invite mums to come early to pick up their DC and have a cup of tea. It means when DH is away(lots) I can have an adult to speak to for a bit
If you fear rejection it can be easier to invite people to you than to visit them, most mums jump at the chance of a coffee out...
And keep a record of positive and encouraging things people say to you (like this thread) so you can re-read them when you are having a bad day - sounds odd, but it does help!
Good Luck! Shame I can't offer to meet you for coffee as I'm too far away

Chekymonk- is there an organisiation in your area called Homestart?
I was a volunteer- offering practical and emotional support to mums like yourself
ie- going to shops together or me looking after the baby whilst mum had a bath etc.

they are very helpful- you sound like you need some support

Ah you are all so nice. I wasn't sure if I was going to get "whats the matter with you why can't you cope" responses. I have heard of Homestart, will have a look...
Thanks again everyone. I am hoping hoping it is a particularly bad day and will be better tomorrow.
God, had no idea being a mum was this hard!!!! Everything else in my life seems like a walk in the park in comparison!!!!!!!!!

here you go- they are nationwide

You've had some great advice here and just wanted to suggest 'picking your battles' when it comes to disciplining DS. Obviously when he could hurt himself or others you have to put your foot down, or if he's juggling with your best vase, but maybe try letting most things go. I try to keep this in mind and it stops me 'sniping' all the time and make things so much less stressful. It also means you're not saying 'no' all day, which is depressing for both of you.

Thanks for link tiredemma and advice thinkstoo much. Am off to bed soon and will hope/dream for better day! Thanks again x

I think the biggest problem is you feel your DS is the only one that acts like this.I know I did,when my DS was this age.I think playgroup makes a big difference, as they will have to conform,and they want to as they want to join in,when they start school it also gets easier.But none of that helps now.Can you try Reward Charts? I was always told that Positive praise works so well with children that are behaving badly.I was told to look for ways of praising him,and even if you need to bribe him with sweets etc.what does it matter if his behaviour improves? Try to step in before anything happens ie."Wow you are being such a good boy drinking your drink so nicely I'm going to have to put a star on your chart as Mummy is so pleased".Look for something good to praise him with when he is naughty ie.What a helpful boy you have been helping Mummy wipe up the spilled juice. Try to ignore the Bad behaviour,look the other way if it is ok to do so,bite your lip and ignore.If it is really bad,put a "sad face" on his chart,a certain amount of sad faces means loss of a treat ie.you always go to the park on Mondays,and you wont go now.HTH

It certainly helps to be on child number 5 in terms of knowing what is normal but most people people don't get the chance of having that experience.

Also just adjusting to being a parent is very hard particularly if you do more childcare than the other half because it's such a change to your life.

People work out their own ways of coping with it and for us it varied hugely over the last 23 years but it certainly helped for me to realise the children and I were happier when I wasn't having them for 12 hours on my own.

I certainly agree with Nursejo, that ignoring helps a lot. The older I get the more I think things really don't matter so much and what is worse for the child is parents' over reaction to their behaviour. Also often it isn't bad behaviour such. It is normal 3 year old behaviour, how they were designed on the packet to behave.

I've just skimmed the thread, but wanted to send you my sympathies, very tough and HARD WORK it is having a small person running around.

There is LOTS of fantastic advise on this thread. I truly wish I had Mumsnet when my DS1 was around this age, he was incredibly challenging as a toddler and now at the age of 11, we often still have our 'moments' with him. One thing I do know from experience is that I have handled things very differently with my other two children (DS2 9, DD 8 months), I try as hard as I can to use the ignore the bad, distract technique. It's SOOOOOOO hard, but it really does work. Sadly, like the case often is, we did all our learning with our first born .

I think my overriding message is to try and create an environment where you are saying yes a lot of the time instead of no, it will help you relax a bit more and your DS will chill out too, they are SO switched on to your stress levels! So if at all poss, avoid situations cropping up, use anyway up cup, nappies, bring a snack box, strap in trolley, and distract distract distract!!

Good luck and stay strong/keep posting!!

I think also things get frustrating according to how we interpret them. The age of three is a challenging one anyway, so you're sort of on the outlook for challenging behaviour and it's easy to see whatever they do in that light.
But some of the things in your OP probably wouldn't have made the same impact if they had been done by somebody older- or somebody not your own child.
We went out to Pizza Hut recently for ds's eighth birthday and he started the evening by tipping half a pint of Pepsi down my crotch. Because he's a fairly well behaved 8yo I knew he couldn't possible be doing it to wind me up, so I took it as an accident (and dd and I had one of those giggly mother/daughter bonding moments in the ladies, where she tried to dry my jeans on the hand drier while I skulked in the cubicle ). The nice waitress brought him a lidded cup after that.
Again, dd (11) is on some sort of growth spurt, so often ends up wanting more food than I've given her; I've resigned to the fact that I'm forever transferring food from my plate onto hers.
But then I'm not exhausted from looking after a 3yo, and it's a lot easier to be philosophical about things when you're not exhausted.

Oh, and just remembered. Blackcurrant juice irritates the bladder, so not the ideal drink if you're trying to avoid accidents. Dd, who is mildly incontinent, has been banned from blackcurrant on a permanent basis.

Thanks everyone. I feel slightly better today and have been talking alot to dh but as always he does not what to say to me really. He wants me to ring NPFS and get him home. He tells me today that he is going to be away most of the year apart from summer leave and the odd weekend. He is unhappy in the job himself but I can't tell if that is my fault. I suspect that with a wife that could cope better, he would stay the full whack.
I just don't think i can get through this year.It really affects ds with his dad being away so much and I am scared it will be too much for us as a family to bear.I would rather be bankrupt in a pokey flat and us all together than continue living like this with dh constantly away.
I have always had depression on/off and had PND after ds was born.Tiredness/loneliness obviously make it much worse. I just want us to be together as ds behavoiur is not as extreme when dh is here and I am happier too.

Hi cheekymonk, glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today. Mumsnet is a great source of support and advise isn't it.

Have you thought about writing down some bullet points from this thread, to help you in times of crisis, you could almost use it as a mantra.

Here's a good one.....

I will see the funny side of this
I will see the funny side of this

or

It will get better
It will get better
It will get better

Sounds odd, but this sort of thing works wonders, almost like self hypnosis.

On the depression front, I suffered terrible PND after DD was born last September, aggrevated by many factors inc my DH's disability to his arm. I sought help straight away which included talking therapy and medication. It took several months, but eventually I was ok.

PLease keep posting, and we'll keep supporting you. Hope you have a nice day. x

Glad you and DH are talking about it. He sounds supportive, as much as her cna be with the job he has. But he sounds understanding at least and wants to do what he can to make it better. At least it sounds like you have a good relationship. It will get better. Meanwhile take a day at a time and maybe try and have 1 thing planned each week to look forward to with DS, tea out in ac afe on Friday evening, cinema together the following Sunday afternoon, etc etc?

New rule:-

NO DRINKS ON CARPET - ONLY IN THE KITCHEN OR GARDEN.

But a couple of drink bottles with lids - like sports bottles. They're cheap and safer.

If he crawls on the floor - let him. So what?

PICK YOUR BATTLES!

New rule:-

NO DRINKS ON CARPET - ONLY IN THE KITCHEN OR GARDEN.

But a couple of drink bottles with lids - like sports bottles. They're cheap and safer.

If he crawls on the floor - let him. So what?

PICK YOUR BATTLES!

Have had a much better day today with ds. I did ban all drink/food at start of day which Ds responded to. I then put his table back in lounge for tea where we both ate our tea together and he was very good (told him so too)
Only bad issue was his weeing everywhere so it is nappies from now on!
I know about picking battles but crawling on floor in tescos, its dirty, he could trip someone up, he wanted to walk and not have pram so he should bloody well walk! Had not been in town v long and most of that was lunch! Maybe I expect too much?!
Dh is lovely but like a lot of men finds it hard to say what he feels (except he always tells me he loves me )
Yes mantras could be a good idea- anything to stop me really shouting or smacking ( I know it is awful and I want to stop it. Have smacked 3 times now on bum in space of a month and I hate myself for it)
Only thing that worried me today was went to take ds to forset that I have been to seeral times before but I must have taken at least 6 wrong turns on roads I know really well and just could not find it- like I was not thinking straight?! i was fine to actually drive car but couldn't find it at all!!?!

Pop along to your Gp and explain your symptoms. It's always worth getting checked out. Mind you, I always get lost. I'm the family joke!

It could be simple as I need to go back to the ads! I am on slimming tablets at mo and don't think you can combine both but will see. Next step is ringing NPFS tomorrow which will be fun considering that when I was in hospital with potent gallstone attack they wouldn't let dh come back at first. I always remember being given morphine and then nurses handing me back my 13 month old baby and going "hope she doesn't fall asleep"!!!! The joys of being a lonely navy wife!

Both you and your DS are normal... work out what matters and ameliorate that ie Anyway up cups, forget pale carpets, protect mattress, only provide healthy food (if he's hungry, feed him as long as it'd not processed stuff), bring him to the park at least once a day for an hour, etc.... he will have no consideration for you so just remove risk of him either deliberately or inadvertently causing stress.... in particular, no matter what Ribena says, kids who don't drink blackcurrant cordial, really, really won't develop scurvy..

What slimming tablets are you on cheeky? Some really screw with your head.

Unless you are on Orlistat, you should know that the side effects of other drugs include anger and irritability. I tried rimonabant (accomplia) and it made me extremely angry and intolerant and I stopped taking it because I was not a good mother on it.