ok tell me the facts why smacking is wrong

[amidaiwish]

I am at the end of my tether with my mother. She keeps telling me that dd1 "needs a good smack". Today dd1 was messing around, laughing, running, shrieking at the dressmakers. My mum told her to sit still as she had been asked (about 5 times i must admit) or she would give her a slap with the wooden spoon

I was furious and said very calmly "no you will not".

She just won't let up on the idea that i should smack them when they are naughty and stop "reasoning" with them. This is mostly aimed at DD1 who is 4 and is generally very good though can be a bit of a handful.

So, what are the FACTS why i shouldn't smack them. thanks in advance.

Because all it teaches them is that it's acceptable to use violence to get people smaller/weaker than you to do what you want.

Nice.

Can you tell your mum if she doesn't stop going on about it, you'll smack her with a wooden spoon?

Hitting small people doesn't teach them hitting or misbehaving is wrong.

Do you want 'the facts' so you can tell them to your Mum?

If so, why do you have to justify your child rearing decisions to her?

Surely a 'Thanks Mum, but I'll bring mu kids up my way' would suffice?

I'll admit to having started off being NOT vehemently anti-slapping. I thought I see how it all panned out.

Although obviously I wasn't PLANNING to slap myself.

The only times I've ever slapped my DC1 were when she would NOT do as I asked, pleaded, negotiated. No inducement, no bribery, no reason worked. She is five now. I have slapped her when I could no longer control my temper. Maybe this is so shameful I should namechange. Not sure I'm that concerned what others think.

But I do know this, I ended up feeling so sh1tty about it that I would be trying to cuddle her the next minute. Confusing messages to send out.

I do try not to do it. But I couldn't say hand on heart that I will never, ever slap her again. But when I slap her, I do feel like I've failed. It's a really grubby feeling, and usually you still have the problem you started out with. eg, muddy wellies on the carpet or another drawing on the wall. Whatever. It's still there after you've lost your rag and slapped.

I'll be interested to read the facts too though.

It stops the behaviour immediately but it teaches them nothing.

Are there any facts? Surely its all anecdotal?

eg 'I was smacked and I turned out OK'

or

'I was smacked and I am a serial killer'

I don't think you need to explain anything to your Mother.

NB I am not sure there are any 'FACTS' about how smacking affects child development etc because it'd be damned hard (not to mention utterly unethical) to do a properly controlled randomised trial of smacking vs no-smacking.

I think it's more of a instinctive moral decision tbh.

It teaches them that hitting is acceptable. It is not.

I used to give my dd a smack on the hand then one day she did it to me and i thought, i can't tell her to not hit me when i did it to her!

When you hit a child (or, for that matter anybody) you aren't in control. That isn't a good thing.

There are two aspects to that, Wasabi - if you smack in a moment of anger as GreenElizabeth describes, you're not in control and that isn't great.
But smacking after consideration and in cold blood I find more disturbing as you have made a conscious decision to hurt the child.

• it teaches them violence/hitting is acceptable.
• it is using power and physical superiority over smaller people
• it stops the behaviour but teaches them nothing.

any more? thanks to those of you so far.

and i do tell my mum "i am not going to smack them and they are my children and you are not to smack them either" and she hasn't so far, but i just know she is going to at some point soon.

yes tell her that. also tell her she cannot threaten your child with it either.

i know, i did.
she just keeps on "x has given y a smack, just the once, now if he is naughty all she has to do is look at him and he behaves" "sometimes children just need a smack. DD1 thinks she is in charge, not you"

etc etc.

i would just like more of a comeback as i know a MASSIVE argument is brewing.

Because it makes them feel powerless, embarressed and resentful. And it's not necessary. Adults have a natural authority over children- some just aren't very good at using it to their advantage

when your mum makes a mistake, or does something nor so good, would she prefer to learn from the mistake or get hit but somebody much much bigger than her, particularly if she doesn't quite understand what she did wrong?

NO brainer

Stick your ground, she might be your mum but she isn't your DDs mum... end of.

i know i know. don't worry i have no problem standing up to my mum

i am preparing for my BIG FIGHT. you know when you just know one is brewing. she just keeps mentioning it more and more and more and more. me saying "no you won't" etc. just doesn't seem to me making much of an impact. actually i think it is as otherwise she probably would have given her a "tap" by now (her words.. a tap... she really wouldn't hurt her, i just don't like the whole idea/principle of it.)

Agree with all the reasons above but also think slapping actually does not work as a punishment. Physical violence is the last resort and when you have used it there is nowhere else to go.

We've all seen parents slapping their kids and the kids just continuing to misbehave without the slap making any difference - that's because they know there is nothing worse which their parent can threaten them with. They've already been punished to the max so who cares what they do next? then they are truly out of control...

My parents never smacked us but I can honestly say I was utterly in awe of my dad and very respectful towards him when we were growing up. IMO that kind of respect is earned and not beaten into a child

I also agree with all the above. I was smacked as a child-i have a distinct memory of my dad smacking me so hard on my backside (I'm being polite!) that he left his handprint on it. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a horrendous upbringing with multiple beatings-it was just the occasional smack whenever I was naughty. It didn't do me any harm but with hindsight it didn't do me any good either. The fact that I was smacked on more than one occasion proves it doesn't work-I was ultimately naughty again. You'll be pleased to know I am now a nice, polite law abiding citizen now and not a serial killer! I truly believe good children should be heaped with praise and ignored when they are naughty-if you yell and ball and demand co-operation, they know they have your undivided attention and I believe some naughtiness is purely attention seeking. In my scenario I was brought up with no affection shown whatsoever and so I now believe that my misbehaviour was borne out of attention seeking. If naughty children are ignored it teaches them that you are not bothered and that their bad behaviour doesn't get them what they want. I know how hard ignoring a naughty child can be-I've got an extremely mischievous minx of a 4 year old who is constantly testing the boundaries but it does work if you persevere. Good luck with your showdown with your mum!

If you need to go down the "facts" route tell her to read Gershoff "corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviours and experiences: a meta-analysis and theoretical review" (2002) vol 128 Psychological Bulletin pages 539-79.

According to Gershoff's analysis of 88 studies on this issue corporal punishment by parents is associated with decreased moral internalization, increased child aggression, increased child delinquent and antisocial behaviour, decreased quality of relationship between parent and child, increased risk of being a victim of physical abuse, increased adult agression, increased adult criminal and antisocial behaviour, decreased adult mental health, and increased risk of abusing own child or spouse.

That should shut her up.

Just do it your way and tell her to butt out. FWIW I have smacked them, but not often and it's so incomparable to smacking an adult - when my kids reason like an adult I will treat them like adults. Now awaiting loads of flaming. BTW, my kids are generally lovely, and not weirdly aggressive at all.

Try to see where she's coming from and the context in which she makes these remarks, then you'll feel more confident to deal with her and possibly strongerin your resolve not to smack.

I think inflicting pain on a small child is physical abuse. I was smacked as a child (not drawing blood or effecting bruising) and it made me fearful of my mother, a feeling which is still with me now as an adult.

I also think smacking is a sign of ineffective and lazy parenting. I do not think that smacking a child is different from knocking your girlfriend around.

So I am living proof - I can't talk about it even now without my words becoming hugely emotionally charged.

I too was smacked as a child by both parents. Don't remember my mother smacking me (only know cos she'd told me she did) and only remember the nasty, lost his temper 'smacks' from my dad. In no way was that normal smacking (and only a few times im my life so not like an every day event) but i don;t think i need to spell out my feeling for him now.

I don;t think a tap on the bum/hand is too bad as a discipline. sometimes behaviour is such that it cannot merely be ingnored, and sometimes reasoning doesn;t work (i HATE that defiant look kids get when they think they've got one over on you)and they repeat the behaviour over and over.

Your mum sounds like your DCs. She won't listen to you and stop going on about smacking, over and over.

Perhaps suggest to her it is she who needs a smack?