New Year's Resolution - Toilet training my 3 year old!

[Eulalia]

Any advice please. The new year has brought the resolution, although it is really an absolutely necessity that ds must be toilet trained. He turns 3.5 this month and I am really ashamed to admit that he is still in nappies. The lateness is due partly to his reluctance although I haven?t been very good about trying recently. Some of it is also due to our house renovations and the bathroom wasn?t exactly a pleasant place to go to being cold and damp. Some days there was a large puddle of water outside the door due to a leak in the passageway. The leak has been fixed and things are a little better.

Anyway today I thought as I have 4 clear days with nothing to do till the mums & toddler groups/playgroup starts next week I may as well start in earnest. We get the training pants on and he does sit on the toilet (although doesn?t actually do anything) and gets a star to go the chart. Fine. However doesn?t seem able to ask for the toilet and just wets the pants. I change them and keep asking him if he wants the toilet. I check them again - they are soaking. He starts being stupid and hyperactive so I realise he is tired (routine gone to shot with Christmas and new year) dd his screaming her head off as she is tired, so I give in and put him in a nappy and he is now having a nap. What has actually been achieved I ask myself? I just don?t seem to be able to get a start on this. How does one cope with things such as nap time? What about going out? What about his playgroup which is 2.5 hours long. Its getting urgent. Anyone else had a child as old as this still in nappies? How do you cope on your own and with another child around

Eulalia, sympathies. I had a nightmare training dd before she was ready, then I left it a month or so and we tried again. I don't think age is an issue, its just that they need to get their head round something which is so new to them.

I would leave nappies for naps. Otherwise, leave them off. Go shopping with him to buy lovely new big boy pants. Take a potty in the car - invest in a pack of Pampers mats to line the car seat/put on the sofa in case of accidents. Put potties in each room that you spend time in during the day so that you have more chance of catching the wee. Remind him to go. Take him with you everytime you go. Let him watch a friend use the loo/potty. Try try try not to use pullups or nappies during the day, they do get confused very easily. Don't comment when he wets himself apart from pointing out that he could have done it in his potty. Make sure he has trackpants etc on that are easy to pullup and down.

Give it two days and if he hasnt clicked at all or done any wees in the potty, give up for a few weeks.

Hth, good luck.

Just a quick tip-if your little boy is 3.5 I'm surprised that playgroup let him in without being dry. Ours round here insist that they're dry when they start and my dd wasn't, right up to the day she started. When I suggested that as she was looking forward to going, that the leaders wouldn't let her in, she smiled smugly at me and said we'll see! The ladies were great and in two days she decided not to be stubborn and just do what everyone else did. Does your ds have a big brother or daddy to copy? As he's a little bit older, maybe he could do standing up wees? One trick I learnt from a friend was to make sure that my three ds's (and husband!) weed in the toilet and not on the floor, was to put a ping pong ball in the loo with a funny face on. First one to hit him got a sweetie, after thorough hand washing, I might add. The only yukkie bit was taking it out every time, but if you put a plastic sandwich bag on your hand, it's not too bad. I wish you loads of luck and don't worry about it, he'll do it when he's ready! Perhaps if he's due to go to Nursery School, they might let you in to enthuse about the wonderful toilet facilities and what a big boy he'd have to be etc...? I have four kids and although it is sometimes really stressful, my theory is that they won't be thumbsucking/wetting etc when they're eighteen and not to stress about anything more than I can help. I suddenly realised yesterday that I really hadn't spent any time playing with the smaller ones and felt really guilty, especially when they were totally shocked when I offered. I work with special needs kids occasionally and it's made me realise how quickly time goes and what am I going to stress about when they're all grown up! Lots and lots of luck, I'm sure loads of others will have ideas for you too!

Personally, I'd avoid the training pants ? I think they're confusing, as they feel too much like a nappy.
I'm sure you're not alone, Eulalia. My friend's little boy only just managed to ditch the nappies a month before he started big school.
Best of luck ? I bet it'll be easier than you think and you'll be wondering what you were worried about in a couple of weeks' time.

Sympathies Eulalia! I'm not quite there yet, ds1 is 26mo and is still in nappies, although he will use a potty v successfully if he's naked on the bottom half. My ds2 is 8.5mo which has made me reluctant to really work at the potty training. Perhaps if its not too cold at home, leave him naked on the bottom half with the potty readily available, and rather than asking ds whether he needs to use it, put him on it every 15-20mins? Obviously this doesnt work on out trips, but as I said I'm v amateur at this and hadn't worked out what we would do either. As soon as we put ds1 in pants he wets them. I think he just forgets especially if he's completely absorbed in whatever game he is playing. D+V over Xmas has put paid to our latest effort too. Oh well, back to the drawing board!

I read the suggestion somewhere that you should leave your child in the wet pants for a short while so they realise how yucky it feels (not for hours obviously! Just for a few minutes I think).
Have you tried rewards? eg a star chart with a prize at the end or a bag of small treats for each success.

Nap time, I used to put a waterproof cotsheet under DS1 and hope for the best

Don't go back to nappies though, at least don't give up just yet. A friend has just trained her 3 y.o. and had lots of accidents on day 1, far fewer on day 2 and then infrequent accidents thereafter.

When out and about, I took a potty (we had a travel one) and a few changes of clothes. I used to ask DS1 regulalry if he needed the toilet and watched for the fiddling and the little dance that meant he needed a wee!

This is the first thing you really have to teach a child I think and it's really tough. They do get there eventually though!! Good luck.

honeybunny

26 months is very young to train aboy unless they are really keen. Personally I would give it a break for a month or more as we have had relapses from trying to force our ds to train at 2.5. It is difficult to resist the pressure and expectations of others, plus the cost of all those nappies, but you may find it easier in the longterm. As far as I can tell the UK has the earliest expectations of toilet training.

hth

LizS

The playgroup doesn't mind changing nappies. Fortunately he's never done a No2 - they'd mind then!
He is our eldest and dh doesn't really have much time to help out. I am using washable training pants which do get wet very quickly but he doesn't seem to mind sitting in wet pants. Maybe I'll try ordinary pants and just keep the washing machine running constantly. I think I will go with Enid and try the potty everywhere and just lots of reinforcement. I had thought playgroup would help as he sees the other children going to the toilet. Maybe when he starts again next week I'll ask the staff to help out. In some ways I am not concerned but I do feel conscious that he's the oldest not to be trained out of my friend's children and my mother has started making comments such as "he'll be in nappies when he goes to school". This is still 18 months off but I am worried that it might take this long! Thanks for the advice.

LIZS- don't worry I'm not pushing the toilet training at all. Just post supper, wet nappy comes off, no nappy goes on and ds1 uses his potty v successfully. Even asked to get out of the bath to poo tonight!! I was so proud of him! It was his first "ask" for the potty! And he looked so chuffed. When I ask him if he wants to try a day without nappies he adamantly declines, so nappies it is.

Hooray - he just did a wee in the potty!

Hurrah Eulalia - don't be surprised if he goes backwards a bit today when the novelty wears off, but keep at it and see how you are feeling tonight.

fantastic, eulalia! one vial hurdle overcome.

I'd second the advice about leaving potties in your ds's sight and within his easy reach throughout the house. Our ds, potty trained for some months, still prefers the potty to the loo. He will`drag it to a nice, warm interesting place of his choosing, ie three feet in front of the TV, surrounded by assorted company - rather than sit on the cold and lonely loo by himself. And we have a warm house, carpeted throughout, (even the loo - the previous owners loved carpets)with the central heating on most of the time.

It also helped enormously to let ds run around minus pants when he was getting used to the potty.To be honest he still does this six months on. Not a good time of year to strip off, but if you could make your house extra warm for a few days it could speed things along. If not possible, as someone else said, keep your ds in easy pull down track suit bottoms.

I still soemtimes pop a nappy on if my ds has a daytime nap longer than an hour, but since his sleep pattern makes this a no no, long naps are a rarily. I used nappies for journeys, as and when it suited, for both of my sons when I was potty training them. It didn't confuse them or halt potty training progress at home. In fact quite the opposite - the sometime reminder of being put in a nappy like a baby soon became a turn off for them and reinforced the message that potties were good news.

Best tip I can give you: Be shameless in asking for help from nursey/playgroup workers, as long as they are willing. I'd say 70% of the potty training for my first son and 40% for my second was accomplished by nursery workers. My sons were far less blase about having accidents when taken-for-granted mummy was not around.

Hope there's light at the end of the tunnel for you soon!

Agree that training pants are confusing. They don't realise they've gone. Do think you have to go through a few days of constant wetting and washing - when they are in nappies they can just go little and often without ever realising that they're sitting in a wee soaked pad. Nappies today are so good they don't feel wet even when they are soaked through. Found with my ds that the first day was a nightmare - would ask if he wanted to go, he'd say no and then go two minutes later. But he got better and better with each day. So hang on in there. My ds' nursery suggested giving it at least two weeks before giving up. I'd say he'd pretty much cracked it within a week - despite the dreadful start. Good luck!

LizS ? I think you'll find that the UK is well behind the rest of Europe in potty training ? only the Americans seem to leave it later than us. I don't think 26 months is too young at all, although, obviously, it does depend on the child.

Things going dead slow and stop. He used the potty once this morning. Then we went out and I took it with me to my parents where he ignored it. Then he fell asleep at teatime. He's been ill just before Christmas which isn't helping as he's tired a lot now. This evening the potty has been ignored and is now full of toy money!

When he did the wee this morning he was naked so I think this may be the answer. I don't think dh is keen on this but will try anything if it works!

Don't worry Eulalia. Kids are only happy and co-operative when starkers, this is my finding anyway. I started potty training my son at 18 months because his nappies were becoming too tight, anyway my son is now 2 and a half and fully toilet trained at all times except at night and if hes at home with his clothes on. Unfortunatley my son although quite quick at toilet training cannot dress or undress himself at all. Apparentley this is something that should concern me just like his in ability to count to ten on command. But it dosen't because I don't put pressure on him or myself. Sooner or later your son will see other children without nappies and won't want to wear them or he'll outgrow them, eitherway. Happy toilet training!

Eulalia, we found the naked from the waist down thing helped with DS1, hopefully with your DS being older once he has the idea he will pick it up quickly. Just a thought, when you DS is at playgroup do they have a group toilet time? At my DS1's playgroup they all go to the loo after their snack whether they need or not and I was thinking if your playgroup does this that they could take your DS too and take the nappy off him to let him go to the loo with all the other boys and girls and hopefully he will get the idea (they maybe already do this mind you). All the best, it can be a stressful time.

hi Rosie T,

Did n't mean to start a debate on this one but I was speaking from my experience in Switzerland, among an expat community. Admittedly many are Americans but I do not sense the same pressure to toilet train toddlers here as the State School system does not kick in until the kids have turned 4 when they can opt to start Kindergarten part time. Until this age many Swiss children stay at home or attend private daycare so I think it is probably less of an issue. Most of the English-speaking PreSchools here expect dryness by entry at 3.

We lived in England until ds was 3 and his contempories trained on average girls 2-2 1/4 and boys 2 1/2-3. There are always exceptions however and I suspect younger siblings would train earlier than an eldest child.(We'll wait and see with dd!!)

hth some of those who are in the throes of toilet training,

LizS

Liz, sorry, didn't mean to sound arsey. My experience is from when I was an au-pair in France (which is admittedly quite a long time ago) as well as from French/German friends who seem horrified at how late some of us in Britain leave potty training. And I do think we tend take a lot of our cultural references from the States, where perhaps there tends to be less concern about land-fill sites than in Europe. But I'm all for living at letting live ? some children, especially boys, just aren't ready when the magazines tell us they should be.

Interesting regarding different ages. My ds has been in washable nappies for ages so my conscience is clear. However with the arrival of dd it was back to disposables as she is now on the washables and it was just too much to wash two lots.

Today ds hasn't done anythign in the toilet or potty. we went out this afternoon (him in trainer pants) and I forgot my housekey, then dh went out and locked us out. Went to my parents (of course without the potty!) and by the time we got home he had soaked the pants. The rest of the day has been naked - even eating his dinner! However he just peed on the sofa and also did a poo on the carpet (only inches away from dd!) while I was briefly out of the room. He's also done lots of pee on a towel covering his chair so there is a lovely smell (not). He also threw the potty in a temper not long after I had to reprimand him about hitting dd.

Sorry about the daily bulletins but does this all sound normal and should I still persevere ...? I guess there's not much choice really is there?

An update on ds. Yesterday I tried bribery. Gave ds a mini fairy cake every time he used the potty. Miraculous. He produced 5 times in one afternoon even squeezing out a few drops just to get a cake. Today he's used the potty without even getting the cake each time. I think we are getting somewhere at last

Eulalia, it sounds like it! I knew dd1 was getting there when she forgot to ask for her smartie, well done

fairy cakes - magic solution sounds like that potty is going to get lots of use now.

Bribery was our winner - dd was 2 1/2 when she was trained and we have a whole sheet of A2 paper covered in teddy stickers from when she was learning - we used swets when she was learning to ask to go with her pants ON, that took longer.
All the best, sounds like you have broken the back of it now though!

Yes its the pants bit that seems to be a problem. I had some friends due to come today and put him into training pants and he just didn't think to use the potty. Also I tried the bribery earlier and he said he didn't want a cake (sigh)

I know this isn't going to be easy but its a start, I keeping repeating that to myself ....

We bought a packet of star stickers and whenever he did a wee in the potty he could have alittle star to stick on the pot. If he did a No2 then he'd get a big star. We even let him stick them on the toilet. It worked a treat and he was completely dry in 2 weeks, which was just as well as he was due to start playgroup and I left it until 3 weeks before he started.
I didn't really use training pants as I thought they would confuse him (I think this has already been said) so we went 'cold turkey' straight to pants.
He's been dry night and day for 15 months now and I would guess he'd had about 10 accidents in that whole time.....maybe I'm lucky!