Those of you with "high-needs" babies. How are you all doing?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 17 weeks old and tbh is a total nightmare. I don't know how to make him happy and I try EVERYTHING. He screams a lot for no apparent reason, especially when I leave the room. I can't be in the house with him as he is unbearable and he cries a lot in his pram, carrier, car seat etc. It isn't food, I'm bf on demand and he certainly gets enough, so what is it? He seems so highly strung. When I go out and see other mums and babies he starts off okay and then goes into top gear and really kicks off. Holding him is like holding a ferret at times - he's got so much energy and won't keep still. I long for peaceful times. I know there are other babies out there like this but I haven't met any. I just get sympathetic glances from other mums.

Don't get me wrong, he is very angelic and smiley when he wants to be - that's when he isn't tired, in his pram or car seat or not in my arms - but it feels as though most of the time he is unhappy.

I went out with friends yesterday with their babies of the same age and it is a totally different scenario. I know you shouldn't compare but I came home feeling totally depressed at his behaviour. It makes me feel very lonely as there are certain things I just can't do with him. I know it's nothing I'm doing wrong but on a bad day it doesn't feel like that. My DH is very supportive and also despairs but it just feels as though this isn't going to get any better. I was so looking forward to having him and being on ML but tbh I'll be glad to get back to work at this rate. I'm upset that things are turning out how I imagined them.

How do others with babies like this cope? Is it just a case of surviving one day to the next? Are there any examples to give me some hope that he'll improve? I really don't want to start resenting him but I'm shattered - he has my full energy all day and has also started waking up frequently at night just for comfort. How much comfort does he need?!!! Help

He does get very tired due to expending so much energy. Getting him to sleep in the day is a nightmare. He fights and fights and then wakes after 20 minutes, still tired. At night he goes to bed at 6.30pm and wakes up for the day at around 5am - I know he needs more sleep but he won't do it and I'm fighting a losing battle.

do you have him in bed with you? and is he your first?

My first was horrendous tbh, then with the second and third you just do what makes them happy (I do anyway) So if that means having him in bed with me then I do that to get sleep etc.

You sound ever so down. Have you been to the gp yourself? x

Hi Babyisaac,

You have my full sympathy! My DS (10+3 weeks) is one grumpy git baby as well. He doesn't sound as bad as yours but is certainly more grumpy than not. He's okay in the morning and early afternoon (I put him in a routine based on GF's timings since about week 7 and things greatly improved I have to say!) but has a meltdown late afternoon... He's not a smiley baby either though the times he has smiled and laughed, it just melts your heart!

Does your DS sleep enough? My DS loves his sleep and I have noticed that if he misses a nap or naps badly, that REALLY affects his moods. For example, he had a good sleep last night (just started sleeping through from 11 till almost 6 but he is FF I have to add) and was all chatty this morning. He started yawning and is now down for a nap. He will have a long lunchtime nap and then I take him out to run errands in the late afternoon and that's when usually things go wrong as he gets over-stimulated, misses his afternoon nap and has a meltdown in the late afternoon! I find a bath really helps as well. No matter how grizzly he is, he's contented for me to swish him around in the big bath (he hated the small bath, took us a while to realise).

I don't really have any answers for you but will be watching this thread as I need hope too! I can deal with DS but my problem is with DH. Because DS can be so grumpy, DH (not a 'small baby' person to begin with) is not keen to play/interact with him and it makes me sad. The baby whisperer has baby types and one of them is grumpy and I am afraid I've been landed with that one! LOL.

GL!

Ax

You have my full sympathy. I have an 11 month old who is just like this. I am now so tired and frustrated that I am beginning to actually dislike him. Even though I know rationally that it is not his fault. He has been poorly with colds, chest infections etc for the last few months pretty much non-stop which has exacerbated the situation. Like your son, mine will scream if I leave him alone, even nipping to the toilet is a nightmare as he just stands at the stair gate screaming.
I do think that Malory might have a point though - certainly it is true in our situation. He won't sleep in his cot and so we are co-sleeping and he wakes up ALL THE TIME! This is obviously awful for us, but it does also mean that he is clearly not getting enough sleep either. Unfortunately, trying to get him to sleep in his cot means hours of screaming which I worry will wake DD and to be honest, after almost a year of no proper sleep - I just don't have the energy!

I can't really offer advice as I am stuck in the same boat - all I can offer is support from a fellow sufferer of an extremely clingy boy.

You have my total sympathy - I could have written your post sincerely. DD was the baby that didn't stay still either. Goats Milk helped for us immensely but DD only really turned a corner when she started walking at 1 YO.

Good luck - I don't think there are any magic answers but it will get better..xx

When are you putting him down for a nap. Sounds exactly like my baby and it was all due to lack of sleep. Can you briefly outline when/how you are trying to get him to sleep?

Oh yes we still co-sleep at 16m and this really helped, I do not have the energy to have a screaming match in the middle of the night - Do whatever is right for you.

poor you babyisaac, it is so exhausting. i had one of these very energetic babies too. people with calm settled babies seem to be in another world.

it does get loads better and the upside is that generally ds is either full pelt or totally asleep so he usually sleeps through at night. still doesn't need nearly as much sleep as other 3yos though, 8pm-6am no naps.

once he started crawling and could expend some energy it got a lot easier. have you tried baby swimming?

My Dd was a screamer 24/7 for her first 6+ months. It was better when I went out of my front door, but you can't spend your life away from your own home...
Now she is mostly lovely, so it does get better. I hope you have some good friends and family to support you. I didn't have anyone to lean on really and it was a dreadful time.
big hugs to you both...

For daytime sleeps, I try him in his Amby hammock. After lots and lots of crying he can sometimes go to sleep, but only for 20 mins. DH tried sleeping on our bed with him in the day - lots of screaming and thrashing about then asleep for a short time. In the pram he will sleep eventually but just for a cat nap. In short, it takes a lot of crying before he will ever sleep.

Have tried to move bedtime later but he's desperate for bed by around 5.30pm and we even have to drag that one out.

solo - you're right, being out is better but a long for just an hour of peace at home in the day without having to go out.

We don't co-sleep but tbh he ends up next to me in bed from about 2am onwards.

Screaming now, have to go but will check again later. Why have I been saddled with such an unhappy baby

How soon after he wakes are you putting him down for a nap?

Babyisaac,

I do feel your pain. I had difficulty conceiving and then a high risk pregnancy and sometimes I think 'god, I don't get a break do I?'

The reason why he is struggling to stay awake at 5.30pm is because has hasn't had much rest the whole day! DS is like that if he has napped badly or misses his late afternoon nap. My DS sleeps really well in the cradle swing. He sleeps at night in his Amby perfectly but for some strange reason, keeps waking up when he is in it during the day. So for the time being, he is napping in his cradle swing! I am going to start putting him down in his cot for daytime naps soon. Wish me luck! Do you have a bouncer or swing he can go into for the day? Or someone who can lend you one? Our cradle swing was given to us by our friend who calls it the magic swing as her DD used to sleep 4-5 hours during the day in it! I know it's not good for them longterm but I think you need to do what you can to survive. You will be amazed at how much better you feel and can cope if you have had a good night's sleep!

Ax

ShowOfHands asked a good question... as some babies cry before they drop off to a deep sleep. Maybe you are picking him up too quickly? I have to admit sometimes I do leave DS to it if he wakes up and starts to whinge. And he surprises me by settling himself back to sleep. Obviously, if it is a cry of distress, I go in straightaway! I think the baby whisperer as well said something about how babies do three big cries before they settle themselves (or something similar) but the parents usually get there first and actually prevent them from falling into a deep sleep.

Oops, misinterpreted what SOH is asking!

DD was a high maintenance baby. Now at 2.7, she is definitely better, but still a high maintenance toddler - needs constant attention, bored quickly, needs change of scenery/activity/etc. Just when I put on the DVD she's been dying for, she brings me a book to read. Just when we are two pages into the book she wants to go on the balcony (with me) etc etc.

There's been a definite impovement once she started to walk & talk.

It's definitely exhausting, but I would recommend drawing the lines and instilling good habits early on. I am glad we got her to sleep through the night at four months, never budged from her sleeping in her bed, and treated any night waking the same. On the other hand, we weren't so strict about food/mealtimes and these are still a nightmare. The same character traits that make her a PITA demanding and stubborn strong-willed make it very difficult to change any bad habits she has now.

Ahh well I guess you are all aware of my ds as I have been on her MANY MANY times worrying and complaining! He's 9 months now, still not mobile, still not happy!

You all have my full sympathy. It's bloody murderous sometimkes and I am still in tears on a regular basis. I think the thing to remember is not to look into everything too much. i would find that one day he's be great in his pushchair and I'd convince myself that we's turned a corner and everything would be fine. Next day, he'll screaming at just the sight of his pushchair/carseat!

It's still hard but it did get a lot better when he could sit unaoded at 6 months. He can now sit for 30 mins or so and amuse himself with anything (an empty plastic bottle at the minute!)

Still counting down the days til he's mobile but he is still adorable and very very loving. Just a shame he is so damn grumpy!

You have my sympathy! My dd1 was like this, and my dd3 seems like a similar type (3 wks old). Basically, when they are tired, instead of winding down, they wind up and then cannot get to sleep and just scream and scream. The thing that has helped us greatly is training them how to sleep by putting them into a routine. It is difficult and painful in the beginning, but after a relatively short while resulted in much calmer happier baby and mummy and daddy! Seriously improved my relationship with the dc's. Consistency is the key. I looked at it in a long term way - 1wk or 1 month (or however long it takes) of the difficulty of sleep training vs several years of broken sleep.
We used Gina Ford - although many people hate her, it did help us. But there are other books out there (baby whisperer?) that can help get a child into a routine. Might be worth a read.
good luck!

My DS1 was a total nightmare - he screamed all day. All my friends had great babies and it seemed to make the situation worse.

TBH DS1 turned into the most lovely toddler and all my friends with perfect babies seemed to really struggle with the toddler years.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hello, mum of another high-needs baby here.

Do you have a copy of the Fussy Baby Book by Sears and Sears? link here

It's definitely worth a read. Lots of good advice on calming your littlie and stories from others so you know you are not alone.

And you're certainly not alone - as all the oters above will testify!

You'll maybe have heard this before, but white noise worked for us to get him off to sleep during the day (vacuum cleaner, washing machine and hairdryer worked miracles).

Yep - mine is like this too, she's 1yo next week, and I think she must be famous on this site now for her rubbish sleeping habits.

Let's face it, she's going to be a gregarious, strong willed, stubborn, excitable toddler, and I for one, would prefer that (although some days more than others!). We've all met boring people, haven't we? I bet they started off as boring babies!

This is the way I choose to make myself feel better anyway!

Hi SOH - stop lurking everywhere!

babyisaac, I am going to hold you by the shoulders and look into your eyes ..

• -

but it will happen so slowly and randomly you won't notice it. Look back after another 6 months, it will be like a different baby.

From being difficult, my dd imploded around 4-5 months. A combination of losing that baby sleepiness and becoming very alert but then realising to her GREAT frustration that she cannot doing anything for herself.

Once your ds starts sitting up around 6/7 months, crawling and walking, he will feel more settled.

It will be 3 steps forward, 2 sometimes 4 steps back.

For now, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. I could hardly go out with other mothers because I was held hostage by dd's mercurial moods. Other mothers also got fed up with me because I literally jumped every time dd so much as squeaked. I was the only one in the health visitors' clinic standing up bouncing dd around as she writhed and screamed because she has to wait more than 5 minutes in a waiting room. I understand what you say about being depressed looking at how easy other babies are ...

Dh and I would come back from one of these outings and say the same thing: "dd would NEVER do that" ie sit in her buggy quietly, lie on the floor playing with her toes, doze off BY HERSELF staring at the ceiling!!!

I went back to work at 11 months. Much as I love my dd and her high needs brother ds to bits, I am still loving my time away from them in the office. But it is much easier now ... one day, you will say that too and