some days i just want to run away and he hasnt even got a disorder. he is just such hard work.

[donbean]

just come from a childs party without my ds because i just find it too stressful to take him.
this is for many reasons, some of which are nothing to do with my son.

when will it get better. he is near;y 5

You will laugh at this...the party i went to was a 2nd birthday party of my God son. The dad of the child followed ds round his garden at his sons Christening straightening the grass from ds's footprints.
Ds was about 3 at the time.
They are forever telling him "dont touch", "dont do that.."
I do not feel at all comfortable with them and him.
The dad told me that "If that were mine, it would be buried in a lump in the back garden". He is a police officer and said that ds was prison fodder, and how do i cope with him every day.
I jsut smirked to myself and thought "just you wait mate till yours reaches 3" Of course, theors is an angel. Dagnamit.

I've got a DS with SN Don - thread title is absolutely fine with me as well

These people sound odd btw. I might hit someone that said my DS was prison fodder. Hope things start to look up for you.

Just had to comment that those people who said your son was 'prison fodder' sound nuts, you sound normal! I'd tell them where to shove it if they said that about my ds... honestly, some people

I hope things improve with your ds soon donbean. As the parent of a completely 'normal' looking (very!) SN child, the thread title rankles a bit because it suggests that having a disorder is an undesirable thing to have but I guess that's the power of words that have no spoken context.

indeed manny!
So wih you experience, tell me how you deal with people and negative comments. Although you sound like a lady who does not suffer fools i must say.

Bloody Hell some people on here can be very cruel. Don, i feel for you. Anyway, i have no advice but I was intrigued (NOT OFFENDED) by the title! Sorry!

Know what you mean about your friends not liking your ds though and it being easier to go places without him. My ds is only 8 months but is rather challenging and very whingey. Lots of my friends and family have passed comments, (implying it's my fault he's an unhappy baby) or constantly rolling their eyes when he cries. I have as little or nothing to do with those people now!

It's hard when you feel like your child is somehow 'different' and it's very hard work. My situation is vastly different to yours but just wanted to send you a hug!

'So wih you experience, tell me how you deal with people and negative comments'

Because my ds looks 'normal' facially and physically, it is the looks and stares that are difficult to bear, rather than outright comments per se.

However, in terms of negative comments (and this is slightly off topic here), this leads me to an interesting observation...it is right and proper that, in this country, we no longer hear (on national TV/radio in the press, etc) any insults directed about a person's race, sexuality, religion, creed, etc. But there is one glaring exception! Turn on the TV and on any given show (whether soap opera, comedy show, etc), it is still a regular and acceptable occurrence to hear insults directed about someone's mental state.

Of course, because of my ds, I have been inevitably sensitised to this irregularity. It grates whenever I hear, 'are you mental?', and, 'you're a head case' and many others too! I'm actually not a PC type of person at all, not militant in any way but invariably, individuals with mental problems are unable to speak up for themselves and demand that such carefree insults be halted.

None of the above is directed at anyone who has posted on this thread, btw!

I should clarify that it is my ds's behaviour that attracts the stares (hence my comment about his appearance being 'normal').

Oh and by the way, that man's comments about ds being prison fodder. I'd be very hurt by this (as any mum would!) In fact he'd be the one burried under a lump in the garden!

Sometimes my DS marches to the beat of his own drum. However he is rising 7 and these incidents are becoming less and less.

He tells me he wants to be a fireman. I tell him, he will be a barrister as he has words at will and will argue black is white.

Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed donbean. From what you have said it seems like it's the other people, and not your ds, who are the problem.. My mum is also very intolerant of my kids, espcecially my sons, and it really puts me on edge and erodes my confidence.

Some people are just not good with boy energy. I would give them a miss if you can. Your DS is the one that matters and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near people who don't like him or appear to be irritated by him.

The comments made by this ex copper feller were really rude and offensive. I'd have probably had a barney with him. Good job you showed restraint, but don't let him get to you or your boy.

I agree with LGJ and have seen many boys calm right down at around 7/8 who'd been pretty full on before.

But let me ask you all this, am i letting him down?
Am i not fighting his corner?
Am i by not exposing him to these situations not then allowing him to learn?
Am i not letting these people see what 4 year olds do?

Guilt guilt guilt guilt!!

I feel that until he reaches that golden 6/7/8 years old i want to just avoid these peole with him. They are good friends, long standing friends of years and years BUT i it ripps my heart out that they dislike him.
Its family as well, not jsut freinds, none of them tolerate him.

I know what you're saying donbean. I've had a similar thing in my extended family whereby some members had been constantly slagging off a little boy who I'd always thought was just a feisty, normal and lovely boy. He's now eight and showing real intelligence and talent in several areas and his behaviuor has settled nicely. They're all dong about turns. I hope it has taught them to be less judgemental.

It's not up to you to have to teach these people but I understand you need to have relationships with them. I don't think you should have to put up with such rude comments even if they are said it the guise of comedy so if I were you I'd work out a strategy for dealing with future comments, or just have a word.

You do need to fight his corner or at least stick up for his behaviour if you deem it to be acceptable. Otherwise he'll pick up the prejudice and think they have a point and he is something akin to prison fodder.

donbean - nothing to add but {{{{{hugs}}}}}

it sounds like its been a really bad day and everything has got a bit much - people can be so mean.

i think lots of people get wound up with other people's kids - obviously some are not prepared to be 'adults' in the situation and put this aside...

am i allowed to say 'wanker' on mn? because that guy obviously is. i would absolutely have punched him. no one needs friends like that.

love x

The word 'wanker' came to my mind too chunky and yes you can say anything you like on MN.

someone called my younger ds ''an ASBO-in-the-making'' when he was going through his particularly challenging stage (from 9months to 4.4 years )

He is still enegertic and loud abd still has a very quick temper but so well-behaved generally. I still get a shock at school when the teacher tells me how good he is...
positive, positive, positive praise worked for us (in addition with running him ragged )

Leaving aside the negative comments from your family and friends for the moment, would you say that your ds copes well in the situations that the comments are heard? Do the situations that spark off his more challenging/high-maintenance behaviours have a common theme (for example, busy parties, noisy places, etc)? By contrast, are there environments/situations where he is noticeably more relaxed and less demanding of your time? If you can spot a pattern, then you could choose which situations to put him in and which to avoid. This could reduce the stress for both of you and the guilt for you in terms of feeling like he is missing out. You could also invite family and friends to one of ds's relaxed environments and they would be able to see him in a more favourable way.

I'm the same as Bree. My nearly 7 year old 'marches to the beat of his own drum'. He's always been a bit alternative and I've screwed myself up in knots, wondering what other people might think.

It was about 2 years ago that it finally dawned on me - other people are wankers. The only opinion that matters and I mean really matters, is that of my son, me, his Dad and his sister. Everyone else can go fuck them selves because they ain't so perfect either.

Take the example you have given - the police officer. What an utterly DICKHEAD thing to say about a small child.

Maybe he is a friend of yours Donbean - but the truth is, he's a knob!

There is no magic age either. Just time. Your lad is his own person and he's challenging but he'll grow up, and with any luck, he WILL NOT grow up to say dickhead things about small children because he has a great Mum who'll make him understanding & tolerant.

Donbean. I remember you posting about how much hard work he was over 2 years ago, soon after I joined MN. I knew what you meant by your thread title as well.

Now he's older, besides all the boundaries and following through etc., can you talk to him person to person, when he's not being difficult. Can you say something like "I really have a problem getting you to behave, if you were me how would you do it? Do you know how I could help you to be good when you need to be? I need your advice"

I might be barking up totally the wrong tree if you know that would be a non-starter, but just in case you haven't tried it... I have heard of it being useful to help the child think about their behaviour and how to make life easier for other people.

However in this thread I certainly haven't seen any descriptions of anything awful at all... walking on the grass? It's your friend who's got the problem there! (and the "prison fodder" and "buried" comments were truly awful - how terribly, shockingly hurtful. He is your child, how dare your friend say that!

Good advice snowleopard.

I also think that sometimes people form a judgement of an individual on the basis of one tantrum or one dodgy visit then can find it hard to change their minds and to see positive changes.

It's very frustrating. I like SLs idea to try to get him to think about his own behaviour in such a positive way.

It sounds like you're doing really well following through etc because that can be really tough.

like snowleopard, I'm starting to wonder how much of it is family/friends unable to cope with a normal energetic young boy, rather than that your boy's behaviour is particularly difficult. I do think the comments like jail fodder are shocking.

Title means

"there's no 'obvious' or medical reason for his behaviour so it's hard to understand how it can be this difficult to raise a nt child and it also means that others don't make any allowances for him and his behaviour which makes it hard".

I can't see any other interpretation.

We just had a 6th birthday party for my nephew. It was lovely. His 5th birthday was an absolute nightmare. He was rude, aggressive, refused to say hello or even thank you for presents (and this was just family - no friends at this event). It's hard to imagine that this was the child who had everyone in despair last year. He's obviously at full time school now and thriving and developing emotional maturity.

No advice other than the good advice you've had here. Stay consistent, put boundaries in place and keep on trucking.

PS, your friends are unpleasant. Sorry but they are. Can't believe anyone would say that about a child. I'm sure your boy has some lovely qualities. I would spend time with people who enjoy him.

Thanks, its so so so reasurring to have such positive answers and such kind words from you all.

he is gorgeous my boy, blonde hair blue eyes, he says please and thankyou, he is energetic and loves other children.
He is noisy and imaginative.
He has many pals, cousins and gets on well with them all.

We have aprox 10 close friends with children. They all WITHOUT exception tell me that thier childens faces light up when they say that they are coming to our house to play.
Not one of them thinks twice about asking me to have their kids when they are stuck or bored or need a break.
So i a m not a bad person, i think that kids like me.

On the other hand, none of them ever offer to have my boy round to their houses to play.
My sister says that she needs week with him...he will come back a different kid cos she would "sort him out". Needless to say, i dont leave her in the same room as him.

I have observed that these people dont like noise or mess. Both of which come with normal children, both of which children are absolutely permitted to do in our house.

Its them, not us isnt it.

jeez snowy, have i been moaning about him for that long? thats terrible, i should shut up about the poor little fella shouldnt i!