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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

15 wo DS screams for the best part of the day - driving me to tears. What am I doing wrong?

27 replies

Babyisaac · 24/04/2008 18:42

He has pretty much been like this since birth. He won't be put down on his playmat at all. I have to hold him all the time and even that doesn't stop the screaming. I go out as much as possible and he is quite in the baby bjorn but it is just a temporary fix because he screams again when I come home. I'm trying to get him to play with things (I'm worried about his development due to constant screaming) but he isn't interested.

The worst thing is, I take him to various classes and it starts off well but then is usually a screaming fit at some point. He gets overtired and won't sleep. I notice all the other mums with "perfect" babies looking at me in despair. What am I doing wrong? I've even stopped seeing one particular friend with an apparent angel baby as I'm getting tired of her fake sympathy and lack of understanding - constant questioning as to why he's crying. Like I know!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and there are very smiley moments during the day (particularly when someone else is there!) He loves to sit in the supermarket trolley but I'm spending a fortune at Sainsburys just for his sake.

Any advice? Please? I really do love him but I just feel as though I'm not enjoying him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

meglet · 24/04/2008 18:57

I have been there too and its a horrible time. My DS would scream whenever I put him down and I would have to keep moving, put him in the sling and go round the shops, he would charm the lady at the checkout, but yell again when we got home and had to be put down. He would cry whenever I wanted to sit and chat with the other mums I met at ante-natal classes and I ended up carrying him from room to room to keep him happy. I remember DP had to come home from work early twice as I was a nervous wreck.

If it any consolation my DS's development is fine. At 18 months he is incredibly curious and constantly pointing and saying "whass that?!". I guess that even at a tiny age he wanted to see more of the world and got frustrated when he couldn't.

I expect you aren't doing anything wrong, he probably just loves looking at lots of things. I really really feel for you and eventually he will get better. I never found a magic cure for DS, he just chilled out by about 6 months. (((((hugs))))) and chocolate and trashy magazines coming your way. x

meglet · 24/04/2008 19:00

Just to add that by 5 months I took him to gym tots as if he cried the loud toddlers would drown him out so I didn't feel like a freak. He could only sit with me but the bright colours and mad toddlers amused him a bit.

Zil131 · 24/04/2008 19:05

We've all been there!! Even those 'perfect' babies have terrible moments.
Do you wear the Baby Bjorn around the house - I found it a great help to just get on with housework / tidying with the baby strapped on, and it kept him quiet. Sounds like he likes to just observe stuff happening around him (ours also loves being wheeled round Sainsburys!), hence why I suggest just getting on with stuff while wearing the Bjorn...
He'll come round to his toys in time, have you tried reading him books sat on your knee?
Also do you think he gets enough sleep? Our DS would look and absorb until horribly over-tired, I now look at photos of him and can see the huge bags under his eyes!
Don't worry about his development, I'm guessing he's happily learning by looking for the time being...

smallwhitecat · 24/04/2008 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Meandmyjoe · 24/04/2008 19:21

I've certainly been there! My ds is still incredibly whingey and hard work now (8 months). He seems very irritable. He gets overtired but refuses to nap. He will now be put down and play for a while. He got a little easier once he could sit up on his own at around 5 months. He was exactly as you described and I worried about his development. He is fine though and is already pulling himself up on furniture and trying to walk. He still gets very frustrated at being immobile and constantly want to be up in my arms looking at things (can't sit with him). It's hard work but it will get easier. I cut a few of my friends and family out too, maybe not the right decision but I hated their constant questions and always asking what was wrong with him. I just wanted to scream "I have no f**king idea!" I found that I was constantly trying to pacify ds and prevent a meltdown. If he cried in front of them I would feel like I'd failed and it just wasn't worth it.

Keep getting out and about though, it does help. People have told me that a difficult, screamy baby is a sign of a very clever child stuck inside a babies body. Hang on to that thought, he won't be a baby forever. it's tough though and very isolating.

hotbot · 24/04/2008 19:33

agree with all other posters, its really despairing isn't it. remember YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, and your lo will grow out of it, mine did and she is good fun, always smiling with bags of personality.
I think back to the fist 8 months and they are an awful memory now ,but i did feel so drained and worried all of the time
so as everyone else has said already, it really does get better

firststeps · 24/04/2008 19:37

Babyisaac - have you considered taing your lo to a chiropractor or cranial osteopath - this helped DS2 massively who was also a 24/7 screamer for the first 3 weeks of his life until we took him to a chiropractor specialising in babies - turns out he had a jammed neck from a ventouse delivery, 3 treatments later and he was like a different baby. HTH

May2December · 24/04/2008 20:14

My ds was like this and became a very placid amenable toddler. DD was one of those 'perfect' babies who rarely cried, then morphed into a demon tantrumming madam from hell! Still love 'em though! (and it will get better!)

Meandmyjoe · 24/04/2008 20:23

That's what we like to hear May2December! (Not that your dd is a maddam, but that ds got easier!) more stories like that please

Original poster

Babyisaac · 24/04/2008 20:27

Thanks everyone I knew there must be others out there - I just haven't met any of them at any of the groups I go to. Maybe the Mums are just too afraid to socialise with them.

I had been telling myself that maybe it is a sign of an intelligent child. Glad to hear from some of you that there was no problem with development. I think he is just frustrated at being a baby.

Had a particularly bad day today. DH came home from work to find us both in floods of tears. The constantly finding something different to appease him wears a bit thin after a while. Had a bath and feel a bit better now but am still berating myself for feeling guilty for thinking the whole motherhood experience was a bit of a disappointment. I will hang on in there for better times but really don't want to wish his little life away

OP posts:

tori32 · 24/04/2008 20:31

This will sound really harsh but I would use time out. If he screams then remove him from your sight somewhere safe until he stops screaming. when he stops say 'good boy you stopped screaming' and just keep doing that until he realises he loses attention by screaming. Carrying him at this age is totally unreasonable and will hinder his development because all the time he is carried he isn't playing, which is how they learn.
I say get tough and be cruel to be kind. Persevere and don't give in to this demanding and controlling behaviour.

Meandmyjoe · 24/04/2008 20:32

Oh sweetie, it's so so hard isn't it?? I remember when ds was about that age my dh would 9 times out of 10 come home to us both in tears. It was such an awful time. I still have horrendous days and I still feel guilty for feeling disappointed but I can't help it. I look at my friend's babies happily cooing and smiling in their prams whilst I pace around and ds whinges. I keep hoping that I will get pay back for all the hard work and effort now! Hopefully when our friend's babies are turning into difficult tantrumming toddlers, we can relax and know we've been through the worst of it!

NineUnlikelyTales · 24/04/2008 20:34

My DS was like this. Had to be carried in a sling or in my arms all the time, couldn't be put down even for a minute, had to sleep on someone's chest. Big loud screaming if any of the above were not done. Was not interested in 'playing'. He was such hard work for the first 6 months at least.

I learned not to compare him with other people's babies and not to worry about what books/people said about what he would be interested in doing, eg lying on a baby gym etc. He had his own agenda and it was up to me to deal with it - so I just carried him in the sling all the time, which kept him happy and let me get on with things.

My DS is now 19 months and is the most charming, chilled out toddler you could meet . Loads of my friends who had 'easy' babies have 'difficult' toddlers. Basically your child has a personality of his own and you can't rush him into things he isn't ready for, like playing or being by himself. He may be a high need little chap now but grow into someone more mellow, or vice versa.

15 weeks feels like a flipping long time but really it isn't. Just do what you have to do to get through this bit and don't worry too much about bad habits, etc. You might find a different sling is better for your back if you do decide to carry him about all the time, as Baby Bjorns aren't great long term IMO.

Take care of yourself and do get your partner or someone to give you a break so you can have a long bath or whatever you enjoy as often as possible. Best of luck

Original poster

Babyisaac · 24/04/2008 20:34

Tori - I've tried doing that. As much as I hate hearing him scream, I have tried to leave the room and ignore him hoping it will stop eventually. I try not to carry him around because I want him to play but he won't stop screaming. Today when I tried to ignore him and left the room, he became more upset than he'd ever been before and when my DH came home he was really concerned about what had been going on. I don't think he'll just stop by himself.

OP posts:

msappropriate · 24/04/2008 20:35

Does feeding him help? I did a lot of comfort feeding at that age.

Carrying at 15 wks is not unreasonable and will not hinder his development, jeez. Babies will stop crying if you leave them, they learn that no-one comes. The cruel to be kind idea seems a bit like a Romanian Orphage school of child rearing.

Meandmyjoe · 24/04/2008 20:36

Sorry but I totally disagree with Tor32, i fail to see how leaving such a small and dependant baby will help development. In my opinion it will make an already frustrated and high needs baby into an even more frustrated and insecure baby. Your ds is very young. He needs to know that you will respond to his cries, if you don't he may feel abandoned and lose trust in you. I have been told to leave ds crying, I did it once, I put him down and left him in the living room. He was inconsolable for half an hour and I ended up sat on the toilet sobbing and rocking back and forth. I have never put me or ds through that since. Incedentally, he didn't stop crying, he screamed and screamed and was so so miserable and so hard to calm down, he had temporarily lost faith in me. I could never do that to him again.

tori32 · 24/04/2008 20:39

sorry scrap the last post I misread it as 15month old

at 15 wks all you can do is keep trying to put him down and allow a little bit of crying before picking up, once he becomes happy with 5 mins on the mat then stretch the time gradually. If you give in to carrying constantly though, then he will expect it. My newborn was the same, gradually over the last 4wks I have got her used to enjoying naked kicking time and she will now kick happily for 5 mins while I make a cuppa. Persevere.

ib · 24/04/2008 20:40

Tori32, you did read that he's 15 weeks, not months?

Ds was like that. He turned out to have really severe silent reflux. He was screaming because he was in pain. We put him on meds and he stopped almost immediately.

this really helped us, but I would definitely also check whether there is an underlying medical condition!

NineUnlikelyTales · 24/04/2008 20:40

tori32 was that a joke? I had no idea anyone could have the idea that a 15 week old baby could be demanding and controlling. How on earth can a 15 week child understand 'praise' for not crying? Your method is likely to emotionally damage a child.

Babyisaac you are not damamging your child or hindering his development by carrying him. If you need to put him down sometimes and walk away for a bit because he is driving you up the wall then of course do it - I think we have all done that at times.

Meandmyjoe · 24/04/2008 20:41

Oh all is forgiven, yeah amfifteen month old, i totally agree- leave the buggers to scream! But at that age you can explain to them what you are doing and also they are mobile so can occupy themselves a bit more.

ib · 24/04/2008 20:41

oh, x post with tori. Phew!

NineUnlikelyTales · 24/04/2008 20:41

Oh phew tori32, I just read your last post and am glad to see that you are not completely barking

tori32 · 24/04/2008 20:41

cross posts, I did read it as months not weeks.

tori32 · 24/04/2008 20:42

no only slightly barking

MicrowaveOnly · 24/04/2008 20:44

ib I was going to say the same thing...reflux, its awful for them. Check if he is particularly bad after feeding, and when he is on his back. if so prop him up in his car seat and see if that helps?

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