Am I doing it all wrong?

[rascal1979]

Not sure if this is the right place to post or not.

Basically I have a 17 week old DD (8 weeks corrected - as she was born 9 weeks prem) and she seems to need to be held more and more.

I understand that I can't 'spoil' her as she is too young and I realise that she needs cuddles but quite literally I can't put her down between feeds as she cries and if I leave her more than 30 seconds she is sick.

My DH works from 9 - 7pm and is often not home before 7.30/8pm. At which point I am usually at breaking point as she has been cluster feeding for 4hrs or so and I've not had any tea

DH helps out by cuddling her in the evening inbetween feeds but this is littlerallya coupl eof hours respite out of 24hrs. Then I am the one who is up with her all night (am exclusively breastfeeding).

The only way I can get her to go to sleep at night is to have her in bed with me which I don't really like doing as I am scared of cot death as she is still only tiny at 6lb 4oz. However in desperation I have been putting her in bed with me. Really tried to persevere the other night and fed her, cuddled her to sleep then wrapped in the blanket I'd cuddled her in put her in her crib - woke up and cried over and over from 11pm til 3am and eventually in sleep deprived tears of frustration (mine) put her in bed with me and she was fine til 7am.

I can handle the cuddling during the day - although a few friends have commented on her crying and how about giving her a dummy, or a bottle whix is making me think that I am doing soemthing wrong. I have also tried her in a sling but although this helps I find there is only so much I can do with her in it, ie feel unable to cook tea as she is too close to hot pans etc

I am at the end of my tether can anyone suggest how to get her to sleep better especially at night.

Baby massage?

Dummy? a lot of objections to dummies are on the grounds that they don't look nice, a bit common in fact but they can be just the thing for a sucky baby. And in fact the SIDS advice is that dummies are good for babies too!

Swaddle her nice and tightly?

Rolled up towels/ blankets either side of her cot so it does not seem too big for her.

Really feel for you, it's tough . Ride it out - it WILL get better.

Second the swaddling suggestion - swaddle her before the feed then as she's falls asleep feeding she may transfer to being put down more easily. Don't just dump her down - keep yours hands firmly on her and release your hold gradually.

And a sling might be a good idea - especially one which baby can feed in so that you can move around hands free whilst she is asleep etc.

Don't worry about habits - do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity.

Tried Massage - no effect other than wanting to feed even more

Don't want to give her a dummy although did try in desperation the other night and because she is exclusively BF she wouldn't have it anyway

Hates being swaddled

She is in a crib so don't think she feels too small in it...

Sorry to sound negative

I wouldn't dismiss the dummy thing out of hand. A cranial osteopath told me they were good for some babies - something to do with pressure being relieved somewhere in the head.
2 of my dcs were sucky babies, and I really couldn't have survived without a dummy. I know they look really really horrible, but if it soothes your little on and gives you a break, it might be worth a go. Good luck!

Sorry I just noticed you said sling...

Can you buy in some nice frozen food eg. food from Cook? that you can just whack in the oven but is nice wholesome food that you can eat with one hand whilst fedding so at least you are not going hours not fed?

Oh I've also bought one of those baby grobag things which she seemed unfussed about and didin't seem to help.

Also wouldn't dismiss dummies - you can get ones which are shaped more nipple like - I think Nuk do ones for breastfed babes.

Again i would echo not to dismiss the dummy or the swaddle too quickly. If she associates being swaddled with being put down, this may make a difference. Persevere with it for a bit and swaddle her during the day when cuddling her, even if she fights it a bit. it was an absolute godsend with my ds. Also, he wouldn't keep a dummy in at first, and she is still very tiny, but make sure you have a very small one, and hold it in for a bit, again, even if she fights it. AFter a while my ds took it, and it did help, he was really soothed by it.

Dummies may not be the answer but they may help....

These quotes are from the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths publications

"The use of dummies (pacifiers, soothers) excites strong feelings both for and against, largely determined by prevailing social custom and tradition rather than by scientific evidence of benefit or harm.

...it has been suggested that dummy use may be negatively associated with breast feeding. However, when this relationship is analysed statistically it appears that dummy use is more likely to be a consequence of breast feeding difficulties than a cause of them.

In the light of all the evidence of a significant protective effect, FSID now recommends that a dummy be offered when settling the baby to sleep from one month to 6 months of age. If it falls out when the baby goes to sleep it should not be replaced, and if the dummy is refused it should not be forced on the infant."

i sympathise. Have two children - both awful sleepers as babies. Baby 1 liked swaddling, and baby 2 sucked thumb which helped loads. I know this is against general advice, but baby2 would sleep much much better if put down on her side in the crib, with a muslin from her tummy between her legs to her back to wedge her in and stop her rolling onto tummy. it really helped. never used a dummy and bf until 10 months with both, and they both got much much better at going down in the crib after time. it does take time. also, it sounds cruel, but at some point you will have to give in and do a bit of the controlled crying thing as it's the only way they learn. keep going in and reassuring with stroking the back or head, but don't pick up. baby will learn to sleep alone. promise!

I will probably get told off for saying this but with all three of my DS's I have just surrendered myself to doing what they want in the first 6 months. Baby wants to be carried in a sling all day, fine. Baby wants to feed all day, fine. Baby wants to sleep in bed with me, fine. (less easy when you have more than one )

Once the fight against doing things in a certain way stops it becomes easier IYSWIM. People told me i was making a rod for my own babck - BUT - I have three contented and secure little children who have adjusted to cots/beds/food/life at their own pace.

Make things practically easier for yourself -have some really easy snacks that you can feed yourself when you are hungry, drink lots of liquid, get out of the house, ask others for help and most improtantly don't give yourself a hard time.

Have you tried going to a cranial osteopath? I too had a very unsettled baby who wouldn't be put down - my cranial ost. also said about sucking helping release pressure in the skull. She was excellent - if you can afford it give it a go.

Totally sympathise too. This was exactly my sitch until my baby was 4wks old. My DH used to do 12hr shifts and so it was only me with my newborn most of the time and i also breastfed exclusively til 61/2 mths when milk ran out cos he would feed for hours on end - very hungry baby. At 4wks DS was being sick and ended up in hospital getting op for Pyloric Stenosis (muscle in tummy thingy) up until then he was the same. As he had to fast for 3days(!) he was given dummy by nurses and i was totally against it thinking it would upset our breastfeeding. However, it actually helped him settle better without me holding him all the time and he uses it very very rarely now (now 16mths).

Also i learned that although i swaddled him he would get his arms out and would feel scared of the 'open space' in the cot. But taking a positive out of a negative experience (more for us than DS i think!) the hospital showed me that if you roll up a couple of blankets and place them in an egg shape with the centre big enough for the baby to fit into into and then put cot sheet over it it actually feels much more snug - and for us a baby who now slept in his cot!!

Never did the controlled crying thing and DS sleeps from 7 til 7 most nights if he is not poorly.

Not suggesting it will work or controlled crying wont work for you - but i remember feeling the same as you albeit for a shorter time but i was at the end of my tether feeling knackered and all, lack of sleep and breastfeeding, no time to eat let alone wash and get out the house to buy food! Try it and see if it works.

Good luck and i hope you find a solution that works for you soon.

right this is going to sound odd but I did this with my DS... have you a baby bouncer thingy (the chair ones, not the ones you hang from the doorframe) that you can tilt almost horizontal?

My DS slept in this until he grew out of it. it was the only thing he would settle in, I think it is because it was
enclosed-ish that he felt secure.

I would feed him, put him in it with the blanket/sheet I'd put on him to BF him, rock him v. v. gently in it in a dark room for 5 mins max and then leave him.

My DS would not tolerate swaddling either but this worked.

I second a Nuk dummy. Their top is flat, so feels like the breast flattened against the roof of baby's mouth (apparently).

have a think about a dummy.....it saved our sanity
if you've been bf-ing for a few weeks now, it's established, and the introduction of a dummy shouldn't interfere
DS was in a hammock for daytime sleeps, and in a moses basket next to us for night-time. he moved into his hammock full time at 6 months
have a look at the amby hammock website.....
the hammock is the next level (as it were) from mankymummy's bouncer idea....worked a treat for us
hope you get things sorted

Safe co-sleeping helps prevent sids, there has been a lot written about it not, but when you look into it the stories are of parents who were too tired, had had a drink or were on medication.

Babies will nurse through the night because they know that your prolactin levels are at their highest, this is a wonderful cycle because they are at their highest to stop your baby from going into a deep sleep when they can forget to breathe. Co-sleeping will ensure that you get good sleep all round as baby won't have to wake up to ask for a feed and you won't have to wake up to get out of bed and give a feed.

At 17 weeks it's quite possible that she is going through a growth spurt and that is why you are having the increased feeds, especially the night feeds! You are also at a corrected growth spurt (I found this because Tink was 9 weeks early) so that makes it all the more likely. A bottle or dummy at this point will interfere with your supply and you may not come out of the growth spurt with enough milk to continue. I know how much effort you went to get her on the breast, do you really want to give a bottle now?

Have you tried the back carry? Practice it with your DH helping you first so that you get used to it before you try it yourself. I found the best way to get her on my back when she was that little was to lie on her sounds odd, but it worked! Saying it worked, she didn't like back carry until recently and would stick her toes between my very sensitive vertebrae!

I'm going to tell you now what I always do, you are doing everything right and doing really well!

BTW, there is another thread on this, but I wouldn't take the information about dummies helping prevent SIDS seriously. Most organisations are knocking the advice. It prevents SIDS in babies who use them regularly and keep them in all night. In other words, if you never give them then the risk is the same as if you did and they kept it in all night. If you do give them they are at risk if they spit their dummy out and it's not replaced. I hope that makes sense, it's late!

Remember, our babies are inside us for 9 (or 7) months, it's only natural that they would want to be close to us when they come out.

dd2 was like this and a dummy was a godsend as I had an older dd with special needs who also needed me a lot. Despite being exclusively breastfed she also took to the dummy with no problems.

Definitely try a dummy - saved our sanity with ds1 and I with ds2 had taken to one - awkward little sod would just spit it out and carry on screaming...

But if it works it's heaven and when it came to getting ds1 off the dummy we were terrified it would be a nightmare but was sorted after the first night.

Oh and you're not doing anything 'wrong' - of course not. You're knackered and stressed and every day feels like it's never going to end. You need a physical break every now and then from your baby - even if it's only 10 minutes.

Honestly - try a dummy - she might not take to it but at least you'll have tried. It's not a failure, but is you trying a coping mechanism. It's a long day on your own with a newborn and you have to keep yourself well, rested (ha, ha) and fed, otherwise you'll get ill and that's no good to your baby.

she sounds like my DD! It took me three months to work out how to help her to nap, DH would frequently come home to find us both in tears. Our trick to get her to sleep is to put her in a hooded coat/snowsuit depending on the temperature outside, and put her in an upright style sling facing inwards. I will let her look out to start with, and then gradually cuddle her in more until she is in a safe little cocoon. About 20 mins marching round the park and singing (when there's no-one in earshot) usually sends her off. I go home and v e r y carefully put her down. Swift exit to the kitchen for some lunch. We have to do this at night too - then she sleeps on her own for about 5 hours before coming into our bed where I feed her lying on my side for a couple of hours so I feel a bit more rested.
I felt so much better once I got this break - I will either sleep too, or sometimes it is just nice to have some time without holding a wriggly baby. The fresh air is good too. I found a swing quite useful too when she rouses - it just rocks her off again sometimes.
Good luck, have lots of fruit around for snacks, get out for a walk, and remember that this stage will pass. Oh, and you're not alone

Have you read about reflux? This can sometimes be whats wrong with a crying / sicky baby who wants to be upright all the time:

more info here and here

The GP can diagnose and treat if you think its likely.. Also lots of threads on mn about it.

My friend had one of those baby bouner type chairs that played a tune & even vibrated slightly. This worked brilliantly for soothing her DS who also wouldn't be put down for a minute.

I found a sling helped as it gave me chance to get some food. Get a Tescos delivery of loads of easy stuff to eat - houmous etc that you can snack on so you don't actually need to cook, prepare, use a knife or fork etc