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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 year old won't tell us what happens at school

51 replies

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 14:42

hello, this is my first post. I am actually a dad but I would rather post on mumsnet than dadsnet as there's more expertise here!

our 4 y/o boy won't tell us anything about what happens at school. is this normal?

his usual response is 'well I can't remember' or 'well I'm not sure' or 'well I don't want to talk about it.'

there's nothing sinister, I know, but if we try to get to the bottom of it, he says that chatting about school means not chatting about other things or playing.

of course he does sometimes drop the odd bit of info into a conversation but we basically have absolutely no idea what he does, when, or who with.

he is otherwise an animated, imaginative and charming conversationalist, so his reticence on school, only 1/2 way through his first year (reception) is disquieting.

please reassure us or confirm that we should be doing something that we haven't thought of...

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emkana · 03/04/2008 14:43

Hi, welcome to Mumsnet.

This is totally normal in my experience, and gets slightly, but not a lot, better as they get older.

peanutbear · 03/04/2008 14:45

absolutely normal I even have to wheedle out what he has for lunch

He is 9 now and slightly more talkative about school I get a yes and no anyway

OverMyDeadBody · 03/04/2008 14:46

Oh don't worry, this is totally normal!

In my experience they will volunteer more information about what happens at school if you don't ask any questions. Just say "hi" or "hello" when you pick him up from school. That way he won't feel under pressure to retell things.

I think, a lot of the time, so much happens in a school day that they really can't remember much of it!

elliott · 03/04/2008 14:46

normal. Don't make a big thing about it, sounds like he is feeling a bit interrogated! Try slipping in the odd open question casually and you will probably find that he starts to tell you stuff.
If you are worried, talk to his teacher to check he is ok.
Ds1 (6) used to tell us hardly anything but is fairly forthcoming now, I think because he is doing more stuff that is interesting and worth talking about. I think though its boring for them to relate their day - imagine how you would feel if you had to tell someone exactly what happened at work! You tend to piece it together somewhat and gradually build a picture over time....
hth

pooka · 03/04/2008 14:46

I think that this is absolutely par for the course.
DD is also very selective in her recounting of what happened at school. Will give a snippet of info, but if asked directly will say "well I'm not really sure" or "I can't remember" or "I don't want to talk about it".
She is fully aware that it drives me bananas, so perhaps that's why information is in such short supply.
I remember when she first started at pre-school the leader said not to worry if she didn't talk about it, that it was one of the things parents had to learn to live with: the fact that we no longer have insight into a vast part of our children's day.

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 14:46

emkana, thanks.

you say it's normal but any idea why? what's happening?

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McDreamy · 03/04/2008 14:46

Hi enchantedbroccolligarden! I have a DD who is also in reception and her standard answer to "what did you do today?" is "All sorts of things" drives me mad!!!

Someone gave me a tip though and it works for us, try and engage him in a low key activity when he gets back from school. DD and I colour together at the dining room table and she tends to open up a bit

cheesesarnie · 03/04/2008 14:47

mine are 8 and 7 almost(and i have 2 year old)i still have no idea what goes on at school!i have to question if i want to know who they played with,who they sat with at lunch!
i think your ds sounds completly normal!

elliott · 03/04/2008 14:48

What to you mean why? He's told you, he'd rather talk about something else or be playing - seems fair enough to me!
He is very young, I think at that age they just don't have much recall ability and they live so much in the present. Just let him talk to you about what he wants!

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 14:48

sorry should add that we don't interrogate far from it actually we've both tried not asking anything beyond a greeting. still doesn't work!

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Lmccrean · 03/04/2008 14:48

completely normal. I read somewhere that they need time to process what happens during the day. I tend to hear about dds day the day after (dd is 5). I do get bits and pieces if I ask specific questions like did you play with holly and molly in the playground today? What book did you read in story time?

MehgaLegs · 03/04/2008 14:49

I was a reception teacher and this was extremely common IME. We used to use a home/ school diary which at the beginning of the week had an overview of the weeks planned lessons and topics. It also allowed us to communicate anything of special significance that had occured that day to the parents and vice versa. The parents could use the info from the diary as a starting point to getting the child to recall his/her day. " Ah so I see you did potato printing and country dancing today" etc..

ajandjjmum · 03/04/2008 14:50

My ds is 16 and still doesn't tell me!!!! A tip - if I don't pester him, bits and bobs do get dropped out over time!

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 14:55

Hi MehgaLegs, interesting to hear as ex-reception teacher that' it's very common.

So are we dreaming when we imagine that one day this will change all by itself or does it just get more entrenched as they get older?

I do note that morning is better than evening, probably because he's not so tired and as had time to digest stuff. I had wondered if healready think of a lot of what he does as routine/ unremarkable (as we do when we're much older)

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Oblomov · 03/04/2008 14:56

Totally normal. Ds is 4 and at nursery. Occassionally get something out of him, often nothing.
Good job that they tell me what he's been up to/eaten or else we would all be none the wiser !!
Welcome.

branflake81 · 03/04/2008 14:58

I used to loathe telling my parents what happened at school, at every age. It was just boring for me to reccount things when, in my opinion, none of it was very exciting. Even now when DP asks how my day at work was I just say "alright" and change the subject.

nervousal · 03/04/2008 14:59

when I ask DD 4 what she did today she just says "maybe I'll tell you later"

NotQuiteCockney · 03/04/2008 15:02

I used to joke that there was an elephant that came at the end of the day and made them forget it all ... including the elephant.

No idea why I used to say that.

It does get a bit better, and you get used to it.

elliott · 03/04/2008 15:06

Well, as I say I think ds1 tells us more now, but it may just be that I've got used to it. Also he has been with the same kids in the same school for nearly 3 years now so I guess the small pieces of the jigsaw have somewhere to fit, so I can ask more relevant questions and also have more idea what he is talking about!
Really, don't worry about it. I am sure your point about it seeming routine to him is also relevant.

edam · 03/04/2008 15:07

Agree this is absolutely normal. And my own mother says it was the same in her day, too.

She reckons children either assume you know what you need to know (because you are Mummy or Daddy so don't you know everything?) OR quite enjoy having a little bit of the world that is 'theirs'. I suspect they just don't find conversations about 'what did you do today' terribly interesting.

Ds tends to tell me bits and bobs while we are doing something else later on. Anything that is really important or bothering him gets mentioned at bedtime, as I'm turning out the light! Another trick is to guess really badly - 'I bet Mrs Phillips made you do handstands all round the playground'. They enjoy correcting you.

gagarin · 03/04/2008 15:07

Try reverse psychology - "I bet you didn't have a story today" or "i bet you didn't do and numbers today" often prompted an indignant "oh yes we did ..AND it was about...blah blah" from mine.

But seriously - IMO the only way to tune in to what his school life is all about is to make sure you are a regular (once/twice a term?) parent helper - not necessarily in his class even. You'll soon understand the rhythym of the school day and will have better questions to ask.

Think of his response like yours at a job interview when they ask you horrid vague questions like "tell us about yourself" - that is such an awful question! But if they said "I remember you are in charge of blah blah...can you tell us how that's going at the moment" and we're away...your son will be experiencing the same blank when you say "what did you do?". He really doesn't remember!

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 15:08

well it sounds like we're in good company and it's the norm rather than the exception. phew.

OTOH I wish we had some idea. I suppose that's to do with our needs rather than his, though, so perhaps we should just get used to it!

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neolara · 03/04/2008 15:09

The only way I find out what my DD does at nursery is by playing nurseries with her (at her request). It's very boring, but at least I now know what happens at circletime.

binkleandflip · 03/04/2008 15:10

Normal - they hate being grilled and who can blame them??

However, a conversation is a different matter so you can initiate it instead of asking ' what have you done, what did you paint etc

say 'Lets talk about what we did today - I'll go first - I took you to school then I did the shopping and I bought etc' (then they take a turn to say what they were doing whilst you were shopping then its your turn again) try it - it does work because you are not putting them on the spot, it is just a normal exchange of info

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 15:11

thanks gagarin - that's a helpful analogy there with the horrid interview gambit.

but I suppose it's difficult to break this cycle: if you don't know a specific to refer to ( and we don't know anything about the structure of the day whatever) then it's difficult to dream up a direct question

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