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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 year old won't tell us what happens at school

51 replies

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 14:42

hello, this is my first post. I am actually a dad but I would rather post on mumsnet than dadsnet as there's more expertise here!

our 4 y/o boy won't tell us anything about what happens at school. is this normal?

his usual response is 'well I can't remember' or 'well I'm not sure' or 'well I don't want to talk about it.'

there's nothing sinister, I know, but if we try to get to the bottom of it, he says that chatting about school means not chatting about other things or playing.

of course he does sometimes drop the odd bit of info into a conversation but we basically have absolutely no idea what he does, when, or who with.

he is otherwise an animated, imaginative and charming conversationalist, so his reticence on school, only 1/2 way through his first year (reception) is disquieting.

please reassure us or confirm that we should be doing something that we haven't thought of...

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fletchaaarr · 03/04/2008 15:11

Normal

With DS2 if I ask what he liked most or least about his day that usually gets a better response

Blu · 03/04/2008 15:12

I think they find it completely boring to recount what has already happened unless they have a real 'driver' to tell you some thing. I used to hear a load of made-up fantasy events - or nothing.

And the more you ask the less you will hear.

Hold back, don't ask at all and he will start to volunteer things as conversation.

AbbeyA · 03/04/2008 15:13

Absolutely normal-especially boys and never gets any better! I find out a lot from friends who have girls in the same class or listening to conversations when ferrying DCs in the car. They tell you things sometimes but never if you ask direct, in my experience! You get used to it over time.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 03/04/2008 15:15

God this is so familiar.

I honestly don't know why we bother sending ds.

He apparently didn't do anything in the morning, didn't sit next to anyone, didn't play with anyone, can't remember what was for lunch (although the state of his jumper lets me know he definately had lunch) and he didn't do anything after lunch. Oh and then he came home.

I've long since given up asking questions, importnat stuff ususally comes up eventually or we get notes from the teacher.

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 03/04/2008 15:16

AbbeyA so you think it's more a boy thing? I thought so, too, just by comparing the what I catch in the playground before school.

boy thing or not, I suppose it's a good thing in a way as the child is developing autonomy.

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Twiglett · 03/04/2008 15:18

totally normally .. DS now 7 in year 2 still won't tell me anything .. 'don't know' / 'can't remember' .. you need to ask his friends if you want to know

gagarin · 03/04/2008 15:18

"and we don't know anything about the structure of the day whatever"

That is why you really should take some time to go into school and help if you can! We have this fantasy that school when we were there is prob like school now - and often the truth is that they're miles apart.

Get into the classroom when and if you can

elliott · 03/04/2008 15:18

It sounds like it might be a good idea to have a chat with the teacher - she could at least take you through a 'typical day' and then you will have some pegs on which to hang the snippets of information!
I have to say though, I still couldn't tell you what time they have break or lunch, or how the day is structured. I think schools probably could do more to inform parents about this sort of basic info. But I guess, do we really need to know it, other than to satisfy our curiousity?

stleger · 03/04/2008 15:39

I knew it was a boy without looking. DD1 knew what her classmates ate for breakfast and what was in her teacher's bag....ds probably knew but no way would he tell.

mybestfriendiscalledstig · 03/04/2008 15:42

Ah, now, I always know exactly what ds did at school. he did 'nothing' and played with 'nobody'.
.

JodieG1 · 03/04/2008 15:43

Both my dd and ds1 are the same.

mybestfriendiscalledstig · 03/04/2008 15:43

Oh, but when George poked Alfie in the eye with a stick we heard about nothing else for DAYS.

stleger · 03/04/2008 15:48

DD still talks about the day Niamh wore the fancy hairband, juped up and hit Kevin and he had a black eye caused by an accessory. It is 9 years ago...

DeeMid · 03/04/2008 20:00

DD (10) has never discussed her day or events at school even with open end questions. DS (7) same as stig 'nothing' and 'nobody'.

Their dad is much the same - spent all day at work and doesn't want to discuss/think about it.

How about all agreeing to have 1 minute of uninterrupted chat about your own day while round the tea table, if you and DW/DP do it everyday eventually DS will join in.

Countingthegreyhairs · 04/04/2008 02:17

I worried alot about this until recently - as my dd (4.5 yrs) always used defensive responses such as "I don't know" or "nothing" when I asked her what happened at school.

Then I read my current parenting bible (often mentioned on this site) 'How to talk so kids will listen ...' by Faber and Mazlish which refers specifically to this issue.

Frustratingly for us parents, it advises not to ask too many questions and when you do, to be sensitive to possible effects of what to us seems like a fairly mild question such as "did you have fun today?" which is sometimes perceived by child as parental pressure ie you SHOULD have had fun, and if you didn't then we are disappointed etc etc
(slightly different from purely information-seeking type questions I know, but same principle).

The book advises just to say "hello, great to see you!" or "hello, welcome home" with huge emphasis on the welcoming bit!!

The theory goes that the less you ask, the more they open up. So I'm constantly buttoning my lip now ...

I'll let you know if works. To date, the only serious snippets of conversations we have about school tend to arise late at night when I'm putting dd to bed.

(Digression: did get to hear about one incident last term straight out of the school gates when dd's teacher fell over a chair (which caused great hilarity in dd's class apparently). That was followed by two weeks of 'Madame H didn't fall over today ...' (said in disappointed voice))

Btw, my sister, who has an older ds has instigated having "a little minute" just before he sleeps which is a special time for him to talk about his day ... seems to work for them ...

Sorry for long post = insomniac's ramblings!!

GooseyLoosey · 04/04/2008 06:47

It all sounds entirely normal to me too. With ds, I now don't ask what he did etc but wait a while and then say "so, I hear the whole class sat in silence all day and did nothing" - this usually gets a response from ds "no, no, that's not right, we did X". For variety, I also say things like "I thought I saw you Gruffalo hunting with Miss Y" etc. Only way I ever get to know anything!

flight · 04/04/2008 07:23

My mother has a theory that they need to keep school and home very, very separate. No idea why but something to do with coping while not with us.

That's why they don't spill according to her. She has read a lot about child development and used to be a music therapist so sometimes she is right about these things.

Threadworm · 04/04/2008 07:28

My boys were just the same. If he has school dinners, you could try a casual 'What did you have for dinner today?' occasionally because this is often a trouble-free or fun question to answer and helps them get into the habit of recalling something for you.

Mind you, DS1 allegedly had 'Just sweetcorn' every day.

SueW · 04/04/2008 07:41

I found it helped sometimes to ask 'What was the best thing you did at school today?' but that got the 'playtime' more and more often once real work started as opposed to reception play-based learning!

I read a book which talked about 'introvert' and 'extrovert' people which said some people ('extroverts') come home brimming over with what they have done (that's me - debrief to anyone who will listen about every minute of my day).

When a parent is extrovert and a child is introvert, the parent may find it difficult to understand why the child doesn't want to talk. IIRC the way to get around it is to do a side-by-side activity as suggested earlier - they do artwork/homework/lego/playdoh at the kitchen table whilst you're peeling spuds for supper and it will sort of trickle out.

Hope that makes sense.

schneebly · 04/04/2008 07:45

a little frustrating but totally normal - the only thing my DS1 will ever tell me he has done at school is 'played with construction' and 'I ate all my packed lunch'

DontCallMeBaby · 04/04/2008 07:56

I get this with DD at nursery, and I don't expect it to get any better with school. My parents found it frustrating too ... and grilled me to the extent that some time after i got into trouble at school for writing notes about what I was doing so I could tell my parents. Actually, that's kind of interesting as it implies I really couldn't remember.

Original poster

enchantedbroccolligarden · 04/04/2008 13:49

Thanks to everyone that's posted here. This was my first mumsnet post and it's been very welcoming and helfpul.

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imaginaryfriend · 04/04/2008 14:02

My dd 5 1/2 is also dreadful at telling me what's happened in her day. She's got such a poor memory for what she had for lunch that I now call it 'can't remember custard' / 'forgotten food.' Which makes her laugh.

I've found the following questions reap a response:

Who was the naughtiest child in your class today?
What was the funniest thing someone did today?
What was the saddest thing that happened today?

Generally I try to joke about it with her and I do find that just lately when I'm putting her to bed she'll suddenly tell me quite a lot of things about school.

squiddly · 04/04/2008 16:18

My sister recently accidentally found out a good way of doing this with my nephew. We played a game where everyone had to say 5 interesting things about their day. This was actually meant to limit my BIL's boring moaning about his job but had the effect of making my nephew tell us his 5 interesting things, like what he had for lunch and what he'd painted a picture of that day. You could always start with 3 if 5 is a bit challenging (I always have a job thinking of 5 interesting things that happened to me during the day!)

stleger · 04/04/2008 21:31

If anyone faints in assembly that is impressive. If teacher faints after writing sums on the board, that will be remembered and discussed for years!

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